A/N: I am continually disappointed by a certain notable absence from major events in other characters' lives. Until the writers correct it, I will correct it here. Short first chapter, but more to come.
Spoilers and References: Nothing major, but references from "Amaro's 180" and spoilers through "Betrayal's Climax"
And here, the obligatory disclaimer: these characters are so not mine.
"Former Partners"
Nick saw. She was a detective, so she was discreet about it—but he was a detective too, and he saw. At first he thought it was because of Cassidy, then he thought it was because Fin and Rollins were walking out, but then he realized it wasn't that. It wasn't that at all. Olivia had known Cassidy wouldn't be there, and her glance didn't settle on their colleagues in the aisle. It swept the perimeter instead—only briefly—in the moment before she paused for the department photographer. The picture would seem to capture pride and honor when anyone looked at it later, but in person, even five rows back, Nick could see that the taut smile didn't remotely reach her eyes.
I gave my whole life to NYPD, and I forgot to live my own.
She sits in the darkness of their apartment, Cragen's words of advice still swirling in her head after all these weeks. She hasn't changed yet, and her new cap sits on the coffee table in front of her, a reminder in the stillness of how similar things seem but how very, very different they really are.
She's waiting up for Brian, but it's a flimsy excuse because she really has no idea when—or if—he'll be home tonight. They've been on opposite schedules for months, and since he went undercover again for Tucker, she hasn't even heard from him. It's been four days.
Moving in together had felt like the right thing to do. Fiercely independent, she hadn't shared living space with another person since college. But, in all honesty, she knows that Lewis took more from her than she would ever let on, and among his unknown trophies was that piece of her identity. The longer she lived with Brian, the more she felt like she had been driven into cohabitation out of fear; the more like a victim she felt. Especially now, when she was wide awake, on high alert, well after midnight as she waited to see whether he would come home. When did she turn into a little lapdog, anxious to see its master?
Take care of yourself.
Nick wasn't staying there either, anymore. And that was probably a good thing, because the last time Olivia had talked to Brian, it had been about Nick, and it certainly hadn't been pleasant.
"I'm going out on a limb here to guess that Amaro just doesn't have any other friends," Brian had said that morning before he left for the day, shoveling Nick's folded sheet and blanket from one end of the couch to the other so he could sit where he wanted to sit to tie his shoes. The tone in his voice was clear: he wanted Nick gone.
"He's my partner, Bri," she had replied, as if that should explain everything. And to any other NYPD brother, it would. But there was history here. Tension under the surface.
"Yeah? You in the habit of having sleepovers with your partner?" he asked. Finished with his shoes, he stood up and shrugged into his coat. "Hm? How many times Stabler stay over, huh, Liv? How many?"
She stopped fixing her breakfast to glare at him.
"Yeah, it's probably better you don't answer," he sneered, and then tugged the door open. "Tucker's got me on assignment today," he said over his shoulder. "Amaro better not be here when I get back." Then he was out the door, and Olivia hadn't talked to him since.
You deserve it.
He hadn't come to the ceremony. Rationally, she knew he was working—or he said he was working—but that didn't change the fact that, emotionally, she really wanted him to be there. It was a moment she had wanted to share with someone she loved. Partners had each other's backs all the time, right? Shouldn't a romantic partner be the same way? She thought so, but she was so bad with relationships that she doubted herself sometimes.
She hated that doubt. She hated relying on him and being disappointed. She blamed herself when he didn't live up to her expectations, and she hated that, too.
Take care of yourself...
As she sits there in the dark, seconds ticking away on the clock they keep above the kitchen pass-through, she wonders what relationships are supposed to be like. She really only had partnerships to compare them to. She always thought that, while they had their ups and downs, either partner should be willing to sacrifice for the other. Now she considers all that she has given up (her independence high on the list) and wonders what Brian would say if he tried to list his sacrifices, too.
She suspects that she isn't following Cragen's advice. Deep down, she knows she isn't. Because somehow, she feels more beat-up now than she had in all the years she'd been alone.
(But she hadn't really been alone, had she?)
You deserve it.
She's got her phone out before she can feel its weight in her hand. The screen lights up the entire room, and she's dialing without thinking about the hour or the consequences.
One long ring. Two.
She expects it to go to voicemail, and her breath catches when the ringing stops.
There is a pregnant silence, and then: "Olivia?"
Breathless, she tries to keep her voice level. "I need to see you."
