Disclaimer: Of course none of these characters are mine. They belong to Julian Fellowes and probably at the beginning of the story taken from Episode 8 of season 2.
"It would make me very happy."
"If I thought that then I would take it gladly. Will you be happy? Really?"
"I have no right to be unhappy, which is almost the same."
"Almost. Not quite. Can I kiss you before I go?"
He cannot remember ever having felt so conflicted. He told his wife that they were all right only hours ago. And he told her that she didn't have to apologize. He shouldn't let Jane kiss him but he wants to so much, so he gives in. The kiss feels bittersweet, like something he fondly remembers from his past but knows he will never have again. It is that feeling that almost drives him to tears when he sees Jane leave the room. He turns around to sit down at his desk again and sees his wife at the other end of the library. The look on her face tells him that he hasn't broken her heart in two; he has shattered it into a million pieces.
"No right to be unhappy", she says. She doesn't sound angry and she isn't crying. She says it as if her world has come crashing down around her and she is too shocked and sad to react to her emotions. He watches her turn around and leave the room. "Cora", he whispers but she doesn't hear him or maybe she only pretends that she hasn't heard him. He follows her. "Cora", he says and sees her walking up the stairs. "Cora", he shouts but she doesn't turn around and he wonders if she will ever look at him again. He follows her, but she shuts the door to their room right behind her and he hears the lock click. He can hear the lock on the other door click as well. He knocks on her door and says her name. There is no reaction, so he starts to bang on the door and shouts her name but she doesn't react to that either. He knows that he is drawing attention to himself but he doesn't care. He needs to talk to her; he needs to explain to her why he did what he did. Eventually he gives up.
He isn't surprised when she doesn't come down for dinner, she is still sick after all. He decides to try talking to her again afterwards. He knocks on the door between his room and theirs and when she doesn't say anything he turns the doorknob and is surprised to feel the door open. "Cora?" he asks. She is sitting on their bed, staring into space. She turns to look at him when he calls her again. Her face carries a look of deep disappointment and hurt. Her eyes are bloodshot and she looks feverish again. Her mouth is half open, her eyes are empty and although they are focused on him, he isn't sure whether Cora actually sees him, or if she does see him whether she recognizes him. It dawns on him that she might recognize the Earl of Grantham but not her husband. He walks over to their bed, sits down on his side and touches her forehead without thinking about it. She is burning up. "Cora, you have to lie down. Your fever is back. You have to rest." She just keeps staring at him and because he doesn't know what else to do, he helps her lie down. "I'll telephone Dr. Clarkson.". "Don't. It's not the flu. I know. It's from crying." Her voice is still expressionless, as if she didn't know what to feel. "Cora I'm", in that moment she takes hold of him so tightly that he has trouble breathing. He tries to ease her grasp around him but that only makes her hold on to him even tighter. And she starts to cry. He doesn't know what to say, he thinks that she probably wouldn't hear him anyway, so he puts his arm around her and strokes her hair. He briefly wonders whether he isn't being too forward, considering what he has done, considering what she has seen him do, but she keeps holding onto him and although she hasn't stopped crying all together, she has at least calmed down a little. He doesn't know whether this goes on for thirty minutes or three hours, but eventually he realizes that she has cried herself to sleep. He looks at the clock next to her side of the bed and realizes that it has been three hours. He is still wearing his dinner jacket and he wants to get up to get changed and he isn't sure whether he'll come back. But Cora makes that decision for him, because the moment he moves to get up she says "no" and he is sure that although she is still asleep, she doesn't want him to leave. So he stays. He is incredibly uncomfortable but an uncomfortable night is nothing compared to what he has put her through. Eventually he falls asleep himself.
He wakes a while later when he feels her stirring beside her. "Robert?" she asks and her unique way of pronouncing his name sends a shiver of love and longing down his spine. "You can go to your room if you want to". "Would you like me to?" "No. But get changed at least. You must be very uncomfortable." "All right. Would you really like me to come back?" "Yes." While he's getting changed he wonders if he shouldn't stay in his room despite Cora's words, but he thinks that would make him an even worse husband then he already is. He goes back into their room and is a little apprehensive about joining his wife in their bed, but since that is the only thing there is to do, he does it. Cora moves closer to him immediately and puts her head on his shoulders. He puts his arm around her reflexively as he has done a million times. "We need to talk", he says. "Yes", she replies, "but not tonight. We can talk tomorrow and I am willing to turn a blind eye." "Turn a blind eye to what?" "Tomorrow, darling. Let me have this last night." This scares him more than anything. He wants to talk to her now, tell her that there is nothing to turn a blind eye to, tell her that he has never regretted anything nearly as much as he regrets kissing Jane, but she has fallen back to sleep.
