For the Love of Coffee – A Read or Die Story
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Disclaimer: I don't own Read or Die, or any of the characters depicted within this story, aside from Joe, the greatest coffee-guy in history, and my various random lab techies. This story is not in the interest of gaining a profit, which is good, because it has approximately zero merit. ^_^
Summary: Every good evil organization needs a coffee guy, and the I-Jin were no exception. Being the I-Jin, they had the greatest coffee guy in history. This is his story. (Note: Rhianwen has a severe and incurable Nancy/Yomiko bias. Her Joker/Wendy bias is also considerable. Exercise extreme caution. ^_^)
Author's Notes: I must note that characterization of Ikkyu may be somewhat (okay, incredibly, incredibly, didn't-even-try-to-write-him-properly) lacking in accuracy (and not just in the fact that he's around – it's another clone; what else? Created solely in the interest of a silly story, so I may be forgiven). This is indeed a silly story by name, nature, and everything else. Everyone will probably be out of character at some point or another.
That being said, I don't mean any disrespect to these terrific characters. I just have fun with my silly stories. ^_^
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Chapter 1
Not long ago, in an alternate universe created mostly for the purposes of giving a certain fan fiction author somewhere to play with the characters that she had come to know and love after three all-too-brief episodes of an OVA series that she had never seen the corresponding manga for, a young man took a deep breath to calm his nerves and, letter of resignation in hand, knocked hesitantly on the door of his boss's office.
"Yes?" a rather sleepy voice called from within.
"Mr. Ikkyu, sir," the young man called shakily, unsure of exactly how one was supposed to address a clone of his boss (created and hidden in a shack in rural Manitoba just in case the impossible should happen and he should be killed), who himself had been recently killed in some nasty business involving a rocket, Beethoven, and a book, thus proving that the case wasn't nearly so impossible as Ikkyu had supposed it. "May I speak with you for a moment?"
"Ah! Joe!" the voice from within the office said warmly, seeming to wake up a bit. "Of course. I've always got a minute to spare for my favourite coffee guy."
Joe cleared his throat as he entered the messy, cluttered, and extremely offbeat office and took a seat (or a cushion, rather) opposite his boss.
"About that, sir," he began, sliding the letter across the tabletop. "I-I don't know how to say this, but…sir, I would like to resign from my position as Official I-Jin Coffee Guy."
Ikkyu turned pale. Having his original killed, his fortress destroyed, and worst of all, his straw hat taken away was one thing – or three things, rather. But to lose Joe on top of it all!
"Joe," he said resolutely, "I would like to ask you to please reconsider."
"I've thought a lot about this, Mr. Ikkyu, and I really don't think this is the right place for me."
"Why is that? Please know that I am willing to do whatever it takes to change your mind. Are your wages a problem?"
"I didn't know I got paid," Joe commented reflectively.
"Well…we'll start paying you!"
"The money isn't the problem, though!"
"Is it the other minions?"
"No, it's not them," Joe sighed ungrammatically. "They're all nice enough, if you don't mind a slightly evil bent. Except for Freud. He's just creepy. If I may speak freely, sir, I don't know why you needed one of him around."
"Well, if I read my predecessor's memories right, it had something to do with my glee at seeing women chase him about the room with blunt objects when he referred to them as castrated males and talked about penis envy," he said absently. "But, Joe, if Freud's been bothering you, I'll get rid of him! Kill him! Simple as that. I've done it before, you know."
Joe laughed nervously, opting against explaining to Ikkyu that his manner of dealing with minions that annoyed him was most of the problem. Then he sobered.
"I'm sorry, sir, but there's nothing you can do to change my mind. I've thought long and hard about taking this step, and I feel that it's time for me to move on. Here's my letter of resignation. My last day will be two weeks from Friday."
"No, Joe, if this is really the step that you feel you need to take, I'll release you from your duties as I-Jin Coffee Guy as of today," Ikkyu sighed. "Clean out your desk, turn in your time card, and good luck to you in your future endeavours."
"Thank-you," Joe said, feeling an absurd lump in his throat. After all, there had been good times as well as bad. No! If he started to think about that, he would waver. And he could not waver. Bravely, he continued. "And may I say, sir, it's been a pleasure working for you. Good day."
With that, gathering together all his courage to do so, Joe stood and walked from the room in as dignified and stately a manner as he could.
Certainly, his dignity would have been far less had he been aware that, just behind the closed door, as he made his way down the hallway with legs that felt as though they'd been turned to jelly by sheer fear, Ikkyu was regarding the closed door thoughtfully.
"Yes, Joe, it's been a pleasure having you here," he murmured to himself. "A pleasure that will remain all mine. You will never serve coffee to anyone else, Joe. Never. If I have to kill you to make it happen, it will happen."
Of course, being a busy jingly-staff-wielding guy, Ikkyu certainly did not intend to do the killing himself. Rising from his cushion, he made his way at the slow, relaxed pace befitting a villain constantly sounding on the verge of falling asleep, from his office, down the hallway, and through a door, the third from the end of the hall, on the left side.
"Listen, boys," he began, addressing he several scientists milling about the lab, busily doing scientist-things. Addressing them as 'boys' was most unfair, as many, indeed over half, were not 'boys' at all, but either old men, or women of varying ages. "I have a few new orders for you all. We have recently lost our coffee guy."
He paused for a moment to let the news sink in. The reactions of his scientist team did not disappoint him. They all gave a shocked, horrified gasp and began asking each other frantically who would get them their coffee now. Finally, as it seemed that a few were on the verge of hysterical tears, he continued.
"You don't have to worry, though," he reminded them comfortingly. "Remember who we are. We can just make a new one. You, there," he said, nodding towards a young redheaded man with an eternally shy, scared look and an abundance of freckles. "We need a genetic sample to make a replacement. Please bring me a cup of Joe."
"Why do I get the feeling that these horrible puns won't end here?" a dark-haired man muttered to a man of remarkably similar appearance.
"Because we're being written by Rhianwen," the other dark-haired man replied.
"Ah," the first guy nodded, understanding entirely.
"Wonderful!" Ikkyu was meanwhile saying as the redhead reappeared, clutching the necessary 'cup of Joe'. "We'll get right on the creation of a new clone of the greatest coffee guy in history!"
"When you say 'we', you mean 'you', don't you?" a young lady with a light brown ponytail asked.
Ikkyu pondered this for a moment.
"Yes."
"If I may speak freely, sir," the young woman continued, "it seems a little strange that you would have a team of scientists around, if you never let us do anything."
"I let you do things!" he protested. "Why, just now, I let that boy run an errand!"
"Yes, sir, and I appreciate it," the redheaded boy assured him. "It's just that…well, we all spent a great deal of time in university, and we learned to do a lot more than run errands."
"Very well," Ikkyu said hesitantly. "I didn't realize you all felt this way. But since you do, how about I let you create the hit team that will go after Joe and punish him for his treachery?"
Twenty-four scientists gazed at him with clasped hands and shiny eyes, much to his consternation and slight worry.
"You'd really do that, sir?" one old man asked, sounding giddy as a schoolgirl at the possibility of actually doing something.
"W-well, sure," he shrugged. "After all, I'm making our new Joe. I'll be busy."
"Thank-you, Mr. Ikkyu!" twenty-four scientists chorused together.
"Of course," he said, eyes darting nervously about. "I leave this entirely in your hands."
"O-kay!"
"Right. Well, I'll be going now," he informed everyone before darting from the room, pondering as he went the pros and cons of eliminating his entire team of scientists for being too damned weird.
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As Joe stepped outside the newly reconstructed I-Jin fortress, he took a deep breath.
"Ah! Freedom!" he said happily. "Never again will I be Joe the Coffee Guy! A whole new world of opportunities is opening up before me! Now, the first thing I've got to do is look for a new job…preferably one that actually pays."
On his way to the staff parking lot, he ticked off possibilities in his mind.
"Hmm…where can I apply? Starbucks? No! That's coffee again! Second Cup? Dammit! That's coffee, too! Ooh! I know! Tim Horton's! I've always wanted to work with donuts! Y-yes…donuts. Not coffee. Donuts. It doesn't matter if Tim Horton's coffee is loved the world around. I seek to work there only in the interest of working with donuts."
And so, this assurance in mind, Joe set off for his home, a plan to write out a resume and get to the Tim Horton's before it closed all set in his mind.
A pity nothing ever goes as
planned, isn't it?
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"Mr. Ikkyu!" the little freckled redheaded boy cried as he burst into a smaller section of the lab, closed off from the rest.
As the sound of a shattering test tube filled the air, it occurred to this boy that knocking before barging in on one's extremely malicious and heartless boss while said boss was in the middle of a meticulous process might have been a little stupid.
Wiping the glass and Joe off of his hands, Ikkyu regarded the boy calmly.
"What is it, Li'l Timmy?"
"F-first of all, sir, my name is Peter," Peter said, confused as to where his boss had gotten Tim from, never to speak of Li'l Timmy.
"All right, Peter, continue."
"We're finished with the hit team!" he announced proudly. "Phil and Bob sent me to tell you."
The evil villainous mastermind blinked.
"Already?"
"We told you we were good for more than errands," Peter grinned.
"Oh, right. Well, wonderful! I'll come take a look. I could use a break from this, anyway," he finished ruefully. "Sadly, it seems as though Joe really was one-of-a-kind."
"If anyone can make a new Joe, Mr. Ikkyu, you can!"
"Thank-you, Peter," he laughed fondly, ruffling the boy's hair. "That's a good little butt-kisser."
As Peter skipped happily down the hall, Ikkyu watched him carefully. I'll have him killed for interrupting me as soon as we're done with Joe.
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"So, that's basically it," he finished five minutes later, addressing his newly cloned hit team of twenty men.
The twenty men exchanged dubious looks.
"I don't think we can do this," one of them finally said.
Ikkyu frowned.
"Why not?"
"Because we find a plan of such violence unnecessary."
"Nevertheless, the plan will be carried out."
"Not by us, then," another one of the men called out.
With a Herculean effort, Ikkyu kept his expression neutral, wishing once again that his predecessor had cloned his hat along with himself. It would have been much easy to pull off a good poker face with a big straw hat covering most of said face.
"Very well, then. You may all leave."
"Thank-you, sir," they all chorused together, walking in single-file out the door.
After the last one had left, he turned to glare at his team of scientists.
"Okay, whose bright idea was it to make an assassin team out of twenty clones of Ghandi?"
