Dead Kid
It's been two years.
Two years since the worst day of her life.
Two years since a permanent ache took residence in her heart and soul.
The grass around the gravestone is freshly cut and soft as always, and the stone itself, which must have been cleaned early this morning, is shinning in the late fall sun. She quickly removes the old flowers and replaces them with a fresh set of daffodils. The flowers don't fit with the red and orange leaves covering the cemetery, but they were her boy's favorite. Every mother's day, without fail, he would proudly present her with a fresh cut bouquet.
"Hi sweetheart," she whispers tracing the letters on the gravestone. Fitzgerald Thomas Grant IV, Beloved son and brother. She doesn't know what to say to him today. She usually tells him about her life, his sister, and his brother but she covered all the usually topics yesterday when she was here. She sigh and sinks to her knees, laying on the ground, an act she hasn't done since the earliest days after his death. "I miss you so much baby."
She doesn't know how long she lays there, starring at the clear blue sky above, until suddenly a figure standing above her blocks the sunlight from hitting her face.
Fitz is dressed similarly to her in jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt. Besides short conversations concerning Karen and Teddy, they haven't spoken much since the divorce and Mellie isn't sure if he is going to let her stay. Besides being the two year anniversary of their son's death, it's also Sunday- Fitz's day to visit Jerry alone.
Fitz doesn't immediately say anything, so she begins to sit up, figuring that his silence is an indication that he wants her to leave. However before she is able to stand, Fitz takes a seat next to her and lays down as she was moments before. "Hi, Jerr," he says closing his eyes. "I'm sorry I haven't been to see you for a few weeks," Fitz's voice is breaking and against her better judgment, Mellie lays down next to him. "You're mom and I miss you so much."
Mellie can feel tears begin to pool in her eyes, she lives with the pain of losing her son everyday of her life. But she mostly lives with that pain alone, hearing her ex-husband talk to Jerry reminds her that there is someone else who knew their son. There is someone else who held him as a newborn and promised to protect him forever, there is someone else who would give their own life for him if they could, and there is someone else who will never forget him.
Mellie doesn't know if Fitz senses her thoughts, but he reaches out and takes her hand in his. The act is simple enough, they are of course two people mourning the death of their baby, but the act is comforting in ways she did not expect it to be. She suddenly realizes that while they may not be together or in love, this is a day they will get through together. He needs her to get through this day as much as she needs him.
They remain lying together holding hands, as she tries to remember everything about her baby boy, from the corner of her eye she sees Fitz's crumble more and more each minute. It's a look she's only ever seen immediately after the surgeon at James Madison Hospital told them Jerry was going to die. She gives his hand a squeeze hoping the feeling will provide him with some comfort.
Her touch seems to bring him out of his thoughts and with tears rolling down his face, he finally speaks. "I'm so sorry."
"I was supposed to protect you Jerr. When your mom and I first held you in that hospital room, you were so tiny, only six pounds even, and I promised to protect you and never let anything bad happen to you. I'm so sorry I failed you."
At Fitz's words, Mellie lets out a cry. Fitz's words remind her that the situation they are in isn't fair, parents shouldn't burry their babies. "Fitz."
Fitz sits up and turns to her. "I'm so sorry Mel."
A few months ago, she would have thought he owed her the apology. A few months ago, when she found out that his mistress's father killed their son, she blamed him. It was easy to blame him, in her heartbreak, she could justify passing the blame onto him. But deep down, she's always known he would have never allowed it if he'd known. She knows in her heart that if he'd known his affair or the presidency would lead to the murder of their son, he would have never slept with Olivia Pope, he would have never run for governor, let alone president. She's forgiven him for that, just has she's forgiven herself for allowing her rape to dictate the time she spent with her son while he was alive.
"I let Eli Pope out of jail," she says as she sits up. "Olivia came to me and I did it for her. I knew he killed our son and I let him out of jail."
"I know."
She knows Olivia told him, but she had assumed her name had been left out of the conversation because she hadn't been arrested or even summoned by Fitz to explain herself. "I don't know why I did it. I think part of me wanted to see him, see the man that killed Jerry. The other part of me thought that controlling Olivia and getting her on my side, getting her to make me president would mean that Jerry's death meant something. That sounds horrible I know, but he's gone and we're done, I just thought since nothing could change what happened, I should take advantage of it. Lean in, I know it's sick, but I've, we've lost so much I didn't want it to be for nothing."
"I know."
"What?" She surprised he isn't yelling at her, letting her know that he agrees with her, that she is sick.
"Our son is gone because we wanted the Whitehouse."
Mellie nods in agreement and lays back down, Fitz following suit. "I would give away a million terms as president to have him back."
"Me too."
"I know."
