Chapter 1
This is based off the episode in Star Trek (The Paradise Syndrome) where Kirk is stuck with no memory on the planet that worships him as a God. Basically, Jim is stuck, and Spock didn't save him or blow up the asteroid that was threatening everybody. Bones said that for 4 months Spock didn't eat or sleep for guilt, and my inner writer exploded. So here it is.
The italics are quotes from the episode The Paradise Syndrome, Star Trek original series.
Also: This is not a oneshot! There is more to come! Thank you for reading.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
(Quotes are copied down, and for some reason I can't put it in this story. ((+_+)) Sorry. But I don't own that either.
Scott OC: The only thing that'll fix these poor darlings is the next repair base.
Spock: I've already summarized that. Thank you, Mr Scott.
McCoy: Well, Mr Spock, you took your calculated risk in your calculated Vulcan way, and you lost. You lost for us, you lost for the planet, and you lost for Jim.
Spock: I accept the responsibility, doctor.
McCoy: And my responsibility is the health of this crew. You've been driving yourself too hard, and I want you to get some rest.
Spock: Mister Chekov, resume heading eight eight three four mark one.
McCoy: Back to that planet? Without warp speed, it'll take months, Spock.
Spock: Exactly fifty nine point two two three days, doctor, and that asteroid will be four hours behind us all the way.
McCoy: Well then what's the use? We might be able to save the captain even if he is still alive. We might not be able to save anything, including this ship. You haven't heard a word I've said. All you've been doing is staring at that blasted obelisk.
Spock: Another calculated Vulcan risk, Doctor.
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
That had been only a few hours ago. Spock buried his face in his hand, McCoy's words playing over and over in his head, taunting him.
"You lost for us, you lost for the planet, and you lost for Jim." "You lost for us, you lost for the planet, and you lost for Jim." "You lost for us, you lost for the planet, and you lost for Jim."
Yes. He had. Jim. Jim who was really the only friend he'd ever had. Yes, there was McCoy, but their relationship wasn't the same, and the doctor was sure to hate him now. Spock didn't blame the doctor. He hated himself too. Perhaps it was logical. After all, he had been given the responsibility of ensuring Jim's safety. And he had failed. Failed.
"We might be able to save the captain even if he is still alive. We might not be able to save anything, including this ship."
Not with Spock leading them, they wouldn't save him. Spock was painfully reminded of his 'first command'.
"If any minor damage was overlooked, it was when they put his head together."
"Not his head, Mister Bomba his heart. His heart."
Of course Spock had heard. Vulcan ears could pick up on things far beyond human range, certainly barely lowered voices from the inside of a shuttle craft. It was nothing new, of course.
All his life he had been told, if not with words but actions, that he was never supposed to exist. That he was a mistake, a failure. Vulcans were not supposed to have human blood. His purpose in life was to show that a Vulcan / Human hybrid could survive. Done. It had foolish and illogical of him to somehow think he could be more than the Vulcan reject who had been cast out from his family and shunned by his entire planet.
Jim… Jim had had a way of somehow convincing him that he was more. Spock turned his gaze back to the screen, the symbols remaining meaningless. Illogical though it was, he wished he could change the past. Wished he'd never joined starfleet, never done this to Jim.
Everyone would be so much better off had he stayed away. Any officer could what he did on this ship, and more. Another officer could truly befriend Jim, could give him the emotional release that humans seemed to so need. Spock could never do that. He was to Vulcan to ever be able to.
And yet Jim had befriended him anyway. He wondered how the man really felt about him. He'd always known that he shouldn't allow himself to become friends with the human, that it was illogical, but he couldn't help himself. Years of being alone had made him shamefully desperate for anyone who would care for him. And Jim had cared.
But now he was gone. Gone, because Spock had allowed the man to be captured or lost, or whatever else right in front of him. Spock knew that he should have been the one to be caught. His life was of no consequence, Jim's was.
Spock knew what he had done was unforgivable. McCoy hated him, along with the rest of the crew. And he deserved it. He had failed his captain. Reject. Failure. Worthless.
