This. Was. Worse. Than. The. Ark.

Clarke was going stir crazy. She had her own space on the Ark, she had room to breathe and be sane, but this... this bunker filled with 1,200 people, both Grounders and Arkers, now one, are all on top of each other.

Yes, there were the other levels, the lower levels with the hydroponic farm and the hydro-generators below that and then the boiler room. The one level she refused to go down to because she locked Bellamy up down there, his dried blood stained the floor. His wrists took months to heal and she blamed herself. She should blame herself, it was her decision. Then she nearly shot him and she just... she couldn't, whenever it's him who's at risk she does whatever she can to keep him safe.

He's her weakness.

She had that epiphany when he said she'd have to make it a kill shot. That moment has plagued her every day. How could he forgive her when she has done so much he couldn't forgive, allowed a bomb to be dropped on TonDC knowing Octavia was there, choose Polis over their people, lever after lever after lever, locking him in the bunker and could have nearly killed him, who could forgive all that?

"God, you're acting like we're never getting out of here," Raven grimaced, downing another shot of moonshine before sitting back against the couch.

"What?" Clarke asked snapping out of her thoughts.

"We're out of here in a month, you're acting like it's the end of the world, which we just survived."

"I—I've just been thinking about what we're going to face when we get out."

"So not Bellamy."

"What are you talking about?"

"Bellamy, you haven't spoken to him in three years and the only reason you did then was because you helped him carry a passed out Octavia to her bed. And you said 'good night.' Two words, what's going on? We were all betting on you two getting together."

"We who? The only one that bet was Jasper and he's…" Clarke shook her head, she can't think about Jasper.

"Monty, Miller, Harper, the rest of the delinquents. Even some of the grounders that knew you guys. Indra being one. Octavia doesn't talk about it because she still misses Lincoln and kinda blames him a little still but you've seen him, he's changed. He's happier. The weight of the world isn't on his shoulders. Yet it's still on yours, why?"

"Someone has to be in charge when we get out of here."

"Isn't that what the coalition was for three months ago? Choosing the next Heda without Nightblood?"

"I have Nightblood."

"Yeah, and they don't believe in it anymore. You're still who we follow, though everyone's blurred together now. It's been good. These five years being stuck together. Started off rocky but everyone is good, we have a plan to rebuild as Wonkru as O likes to call it."

"Will you stop bringing up the Blakes? You're worse than my mother!"

"Your mother talks about Bellamy?"

"Tries to get me to talk to Bellamy," Clarke corrected. "I don't know what to say. 'I'm sorry' isn't enough and everything else is abysmal."

The door burst open then and the atmosphere in the room changed completely, charged and yet also heavy with regret and possibly disdain.

"Raven, Abby said…" Bellamy stopped short and stared at Clarke.

She knows he's changed, she's watched him and he's better, happier than when they were at war. Bellamy Blake, happy; Clarke liked the sound of that.

Bellamy blinked and looked over to Raven, "Abby said the generator is on the fritz. It still needs to last us a month."

"Right," Raven jumped up out of her seat before limping to the door. "I should get on that and you deserve a drink," she poked Bellamy in the chest and walked out.

He stood there and Clarke thumbed the rim of her half empty cup. She didn't know what to say, couldn't say anything but the second she lifted her gaze and opened her mouth, he cut her off.

"Don't. After all this time don't, Clarke. You ran away again and I—I can't keep doing this with you. It hurts too much."

Her eyes swelled and she put down her drink on the table. "I didn't run away, I just didn't know what to say."

"'I'm sorry for pointing a gun at you, I thought it was the best thing to do at the time.' That wasn't so hard now was it?"

"It's not that easy, Bellamy," Clarke sighed, he has no idea how hard it was for her. Everything in that moment. She'd take a bullet for him and yet she was the one pointing the gun at him. It broke her.

The muscle in his jaw jumped and Clarke wanted to soothe it but knew her touch would not help him at all right now. "No, it's never that easy but it could have been. Sometimes it was as though you didn't care about me or how I felt. We were on the beach, separating again, even though we were stronger together, and you wouldn't even let me tell you what I had to say."

"We didn't have time… the hydrazine —"

"Could have waited ten more seconds to be moved. You didn't know what I was going to say so you couldn't risk hearing it, it's who you are."

"So tell me. What were you going to say?"

Bellamy scoffed and looked away. "It doesn't matter, it's not true anymore."

"You can't tell me because the circumstances are different? What, we don't have an axe hanging by a thread above our heads ready and waiting to kill us?"

"God, Clarke, you haven't changed. You're still trying to lead people when you aren't in charge!"

She didn't want to be in charge, she didn't want to lead, but even though there was a new commander, she still wanted representatives from each clan. Yeah they all mixed together and helped keep each other alive in their respected jobs helping with the farming and everything else they had to do on a daily basis to keep the bunker running smoothly and Skaikru chose Clarke for whatever reason.

"Fine, don't tell me. It's been five years anyway."

"You did this, Clarke, don't you get that? You pushed me away, you nearly shot me and you're acting like it doesn't phase you anymore. Like we weren't on the cusp of something more before you shot that gun at me!"

"Do you really think I could ever shoot you? Didn't you see the running theme? You were my weakness, you are. I just don't know where to take it."

"You're not supposed to dismiss me and my opinions and feelings because they're inconvenient to you. How does it feel, pushing your weakness away and letting him fall out of love with you?"

He turned and grabbed the bottle of moonshine and poured himself a glass and gulped it down before filling it again and held it in his hand, turning back to her. Clarke's eyes were on him the entire time staring at him in bewilderment. He loved her? Bellamy Blake loved her?

Past tense, she grimaced. "I didn't know."

"Because you wouldn't let me say it and then you shot at me. How could I love someone that was willing to kill me?"

"I wasn't. Don't you get that I wasn't willing to kill you? I just didn't know what else to do."

"You should know by now that Octavia is my first choice. But there was a time where you were my first choice and keeping you safe was the only thing that mattered to me. Now I don't. I have both of you here and both of you are safe so I don't worry about either of you until Monty's moonshine comes out and she gets wasted on that."

"So you don't… anymore?"

"How would I know? You haven't spoke to me since you pointed a gun to my head," he grumbled.

"Yeah, because 'I'm sorry' wouldn't have been enough!"

"Of course it would have! I know why you did it, I would have too if you were doing it for your mother."

Clarke shook her head, burying her face in her hands. She tried so hard not to cry, to be strong and not make him feel like he needs to soothe her when she was the one in the wrong. How could he still not understand that she wouldn't have done it for her mother if the roles were reverse. That the only person she would have opened that bunker for was him.

"You," she said weakly through a sob.

"What?"

Clarke looked up at him, directly into his eyes, "You. The only person I would have opened that hatch for was you. Everyone else was expendable, I just wanted you."

"And I needed O, you know I'd need her, so why would you fight me on that? I would have said fuck the grounders and grabbed her but you nearly shot me and I was furious at you for going against me but damn it, Clarke, I was in love with you and you threw away my trust. You spent five years watching me from across the room, never speaking to me. And now, a month before we get out of this damn place is when you want to talk? When you want to hash out all the bullshit between us? How is that fair, Clarke?"

"It's… you stopped loving me the moment you looked me down the barrel of that gun, I saw it in your eyes and it broke me because the moment you stopped was the moment I realized how I felt. It's fucked up and I couldn't just tell you I was sorry for doing it at all but the thought of losing you, of making that kill shot, I just…" Clarke shook her head, not knowing what she could possibly say other than; "I couldn't do it."

"You didn't even try, you thought the worst and you didn't try."

"Neither did you! You didn't come to me and try and talk about it and I couldn't because I was racked with guilt."

"I went and brought Raven back!"

"You wouldn't let me come with you! You conspired with my mother in the middle of the night and left with Miller before sun up. You didn't even think about reconciling with me. You left me in charge of the list, again."

"I promised your mother I'd keep you safe and even with the hazmat suit, it wasn't safe out there. You were better off here."

"Here where I worried about you and thought you were dead because you returned late. You had a three hour spare window and you almost didn't make it and I wasn't even allowed to acknowledge your safe return because of Raven and Miller's radiation burns. Then it was too late and every time I saw you, you were talking with someone and then it was three months and way too late to apologize."

"It's been five years! I've forgiven you, you're the one pushing me away."

"I—" Clarke shook her head, how could he have forgiven her? Who could forgive someone for pointing a gun in their face? It's insane. "How? How can you forgive everything I've done to you? There's too much to forgive, you can't do it all."

Bellamy sighed, his shoulders slumped and he knelt on the floor in front of her. He placed his hand on her knee, "Stop beating yourself up. I'm not mad about what you did outside of here. Avoiding me for five years is the only thing I'm upset about, okay? I lost my partner, my best friend, the one person I could exchange a glance with and have a full blown plan done and decided in three seconds. The one person who understood me and knew what I needed to hear and said it. I will always need you and right now, I need you to stop crying."

Clarke wiped her cheeks and her fingers pulled away wet, how hadn't she known that she was crying? She sniffled and sat up straight, wiping her hands on her pants. Her hand momentarily touched Bellamy's while wiping the tears away and that zig of electricity blew through her from her fingers up her arm and to her heart before diving down to the heat between her legs.

She dared to look up at him, only to find Bellamy already watching her.

"I am sorry," she told him, her eyes locked on his deep chocolate irises.

He nodded. Swallowing, his Adam's apple jumped before his tongue snaked out and licked his lips all while keeping eye contact with Clarke. "I know," his voice rougher than it was a moment ago.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, reconnecting and Clarke didn't want to move, she didn't care what happened in the next month down in this God forsaken bunker as long as she had Bellamy in her life again.

But it became overbearing and she needed to say something to slice through the intensity. Of course the first thing out of her mouth was; "The next few months are going to be insane, huh?"

"Yeah, they are," he sighed.

"Bell, you found happiness here. I watched it grow. You're happy."

"No, I wasn't, I was angry but I realized you didn't want me around so I let go of my anger. I trained and farmed and stayed out of all the bureaucratic bullshit, I gave you the space you silently demanded. I found peace, it's more than I could have hoped for, Clarke. But happiness? No, I can't be happy if I don't have you in my life. I realized that when you said good night to me three years ago after helping me with O. It was the most I got out of you in two years and I was happy that I got to hear your voice again. I missed your voice, Clarke. I missed your opinions. I was about to break."

"I didn't want to ruin your good mood."

"I was never in a good mood, Clarke. God, my best friend was avoiding me and no one knew why."

"You asked?"

"Of course I asked. I—you can't tell me that you don't know I care about you. How many times did I save your life? How many times have I gone after you? Gotten stabbed and prodded for you. Fuck, I hung for you."

"You were… that was to get our people out of Mount Weather, that wasn't for me."

"No, you just sent me in there hoping I didn't turn into a Reaper."

"Don't blame me for that! I didn't know it was the alterative."

"I'm not blaming you. Jesus, Clarke, everything I did was to show you that I loved you and it wasn't enough. It was never enough until you almost killed me yourself."

Clarke wanted to cry, she wanted to sob heavily and mourn losing the man that loved her, it's harder to love someone who didn't love you back than to lose them to death, because knowing about their love while they died was different, it's eternal, but losing it and being the reason it's gone was different. It was there and you ripped it away without knowing it existed. It hurt more than with Finn or Lexa. Losing Bellamy's love felt like a hole being torn through her chest, like in that show they had back on the Ark, Clarke couldn't remember the name or the characters names but they were vampires and they could tear out their enemy's hearts with their bare hands. That's what it felt like.

"This isn't how I wanted this conversation to go. Can you at least agree to stop avidly avoiding me?"

Clarke nodded, "Can I still listen in on story time?"

"What?"

"I had Raven teach me how to hack into the intercoms and listened in on story time for the kids. I missed your voice too. "