Title: Barely Hanging
Author: Noa
Feedback: julianna_fan@yahoo.com or sharlot12@hotmail.com
Archive: Just ask.
Catagory: Angst/Romance
Spoilers: Very minor ones to 'Hindsight' S9EP10.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A sort-of follow-up to The Advocate, regarding Luka's line about staying in Chicago because there's no connection.
Disclaimer: All "ER" characters and institutions are the property of Warner Bros., ConstantC Productions and Amblin Television. This is written strictly for entertainment value, no infringement of copyright or ownership is intended, and nobody is making a profit on this piece. Any errors in continuity, characterization, or common sense are entirely my own fault.
- - -
I stayed for her. I stayed in a country that would never be home to me no matter how long I would live in it, and it was all because of her. I often thought about moving back home, and had every reason to – Expect for the one strong reason that kept me in Chicago... I couldn't leave her. It did not matter that we barely talked anymore, or that we no longer spent time together outside of work – I still needed to know I could see her almost every day, could still watch her and worry about her.
Leaving Chicago and her would be cutting off my last connection to life. I no longer felt connected to anything, be it my profession or the family I left behind; nothing but her. She made me feel a bit at home, a little less lost in this place, a little less lost in my life.
[My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Hangin' by a thread]
She will never know that, never know how I feel for her or what she means to me – I'll never let her find out. She needn't know, needn't worry about me or what new mess my feelings for her would get me into. She deserves to not worry, about me or anything or anyone else. She deserves the happiness I'd like to believe he could give her, the respect he seems to have for her. She deserves to be happy and to never be sad or upset again, to not have someone in her life that would darken her days with the lack of light in their own life.
I stay to watch her, to make sure those things happen to her. I thought they were, earlier this year, which made me terribly sad and incredibly happy at the same time. I had wished that I could be the one making her smile for as long as I can remember.
Her smiles started to look less genuine, though. In my drunken state I even had the courage to say it to her, and much to my distress, she denied it. "I'm happy," she said, and I tried so hard to believe – I had to, I didn't know anything but to join in on her denial games, if only to not be quite so worried about.
I kept watching her though, just not quite as closely anymore. I wanted to make myself completely tangled up in her denial, I wanted to trust her judgment. I watched her less as time went by from that Christmas party, too mellow to be noticing other people.
That serves us right for getting more distant than we have ever been, which I took as being entirely my fault, even if a rational person would say that we both carry the blame for that... I was unwilling to let her carry any more blame than she already does. Blame doesn't make one a happy person, and I want nothing else for her.
It hurts me to think that distant as we are, she's still the only connection. I tried forming new ones, replacing the one I barely had with her anymore... But nothing else would do, nothing managed to even take some of her place. I was stuck connected to her by the frailest of threads, threatening to be torn at any given moment.
[I miss you all
I wish I was
With you now
I wish I was]
Author: Noa
Feedback: julianna_fan@yahoo.com or sharlot12@hotmail.com
Archive: Just ask.
Catagory: Angst/Romance
Spoilers: Very minor ones to 'Hindsight' S9EP10.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A sort-of follow-up to The Advocate, regarding Luka's line about staying in Chicago because there's no connection.
Disclaimer: All "ER" characters and institutions are the property of Warner Bros., ConstantC Productions and Amblin Television. This is written strictly for entertainment value, no infringement of copyright or ownership is intended, and nobody is making a profit on this piece. Any errors in continuity, characterization, or common sense are entirely my own fault.
- - -
I stayed for her. I stayed in a country that would never be home to me no matter how long I would live in it, and it was all because of her. I often thought about moving back home, and had every reason to – Expect for the one strong reason that kept me in Chicago... I couldn't leave her. It did not matter that we barely talked anymore, or that we no longer spent time together outside of work – I still needed to know I could see her almost every day, could still watch her and worry about her.
Leaving Chicago and her would be cutting off my last connection to life. I no longer felt connected to anything, be it my profession or the family I left behind; nothing but her. She made me feel a bit at home, a little less lost in this place, a little less lost in my life.
[My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Hangin' by a thread]
She will never know that, never know how I feel for her or what she means to me – I'll never let her find out. She needn't know, needn't worry about me or what new mess my feelings for her would get me into. She deserves to not worry, about me or anything or anyone else. She deserves the happiness I'd like to believe he could give her, the respect he seems to have for her. She deserves to be happy and to never be sad or upset again, to not have someone in her life that would darken her days with the lack of light in their own life.
I stay to watch her, to make sure those things happen to her. I thought they were, earlier this year, which made me terribly sad and incredibly happy at the same time. I had wished that I could be the one making her smile for as long as I can remember.
Her smiles started to look less genuine, though. In my drunken state I even had the courage to say it to her, and much to my distress, she denied it. "I'm happy," she said, and I tried so hard to believe – I had to, I didn't know anything but to join in on her denial games, if only to not be quite so worried about.
I kept watching her though, just not quite as closely anymore. I wanted to make myself completely tangled up in her denial, I wanted to trust her judgment. I watched her less as time went by from that Christmas party, too mellow to be noticing other people.
That serves us right for getting more distant than we have ever been, which I took as being entirely my fault, even if a rational person would say that we both carry the blame for that... I was unwilling to let her carry any more blame than she already does. Blame doesn't make one a happy person, and I want nothing else for her.
It hurts me to think that distant as we are, she's still the only connection. I tried forming new ones, replacing the one I barely had with her anymore... But nothing else would do, nothing managed to even take some of her place. I was stuck connected to her by the frailest of threads, threatening to be torn at any given moment.
[I miss you all
I wish I was
With you now
I wish I was]
