It's the not knowing, you know, that's the worst. It eats away at you, captures every thought you have changes it to one more dark and dreary. It's scary. I plan, I check the plan, and then I do it...Following the plan. I avoid unknowns at all costs, thats just who I am. I like to be prepared for everything, inclucing disaster which in fact is how we have been living out of that beaded bag for the last few weeks. By we I mean Harry, Ron and myself, that is up until Ron took off a few day ago. He could be anywhere, and that thought haunts me.
Thats what is occupying the majority of my mind recently, and I Merlin knows I need to have my wits about me at all times, its just too hard not to think about him constantly. My parents always warned me that boys were a distraction from studies, but I have come to the realisation that they are at their most distracting when they are present only in one's mind. Right now I am completely unable to concentrate on anyhting but I need to be strong for Harry. He needs me and I thought Ron did too, I was wrong. Its's not a feeling I'm used to I will admit. I feel like he has shut me out, like he doesn't want me anymore...I thought I meant something to him, evidently not.
Still however I contuinuously worry and want to be with him. That makes me sound clingly and over protective, I'm certainly over protective but clingy implies unwanted, well I guess thats me too. The horcrux search has made us al tense, but was running off like this really the answer? Leaving Harry and me alone here in this tent in the middle of no where, where I cant reach him. Every deatheater and Ministry of Magic employess is afeter us. He has made it more dangerous not only for us but for himself. What if something has happened him?
I don't understand anything anymore, and I' close to breaking. This habit of writting letters destined to be left unmailed is helpful but which each letter I write I increase the risk of one of them being found. i think I need a more inventive hiding place than under my pillow, but at least they are close to me most of the time.
I might be lost, sad, alone and broken, but I'll always have writing.
