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25 years ago today...

A small meteorite, the size of a basketball, crash-landed near a spooky old mansion somewhere near the West Coast.
The tiny impact this seemingly innocent speck of space waste would leave a lasting impact on the nearby cities, as urban legends spread far and wide... stories of insanity, mad science, bad elevator music, genetic mutation, time travel, exploding hamsters, old ladies being pushed down the stairs, diabolical shrinking rays, and people with blue faces.
For 20 years after, nobody left the mansion. The few who dared to venture inside were found in the river, horribly mutilated. Each twisted, mutated corpse had one thing in common- a completely empty skull.
Nobody knew if these victims had their brains sucked out of their heads... or if they just had none to begin with. You'd have to be retarded to go into....
"The Maniac Mansion".

12 years ago today...
Starbucks becomes a multi-million dollar corporation after an order for a metric ton of coffee beans is placed.
The address?
Maniac Mansion.

5 years ago today...
It had been ten years since the last bodies turned out in the toxic river flowing alongside Maniac Mansion. The populace had learned the sign on the fence spoke true- "Trespassers will be horribly mutilated". Little did they know that the denizens of the Mansion were getting restless... the supply of hapless adventurers on which someone was so desperately relying on was exhausting rapidly. The night before, two disembodied tentacles slowly sludged their way to pick up a very important package.
Sandy McTiff, head cheerleader of the P.S. 420 Tunaettes.
Purple Tentacle: Grr... This would be going so much faster if we had FEET...
Green Tentacle: Relax, Purple, we're almost there. What's this hamster for anyway?
Purple Tentacle: He said we just leave it at the door and ring the bell. Like most humans, she should easily be distracted by the cuteness of the rodent and follow it all the way back to the mansion.
Green Tentacle: That Dr. Fred's a genius.
Purple Tentacle: Let's just drop the thing off and get out of here before someone sees us. Remember last time someone got a snapshot of us? Every tabloid in the country was all over us! We almost got exposed! Grr... those humans and their fascination for our private lives... where's the justice?
Green Tentacle: You've been in the toxic sludge again, haven't you?
::Ding-dong::
Sandy: :: in a strangely perky voice:: Who iiiiis it?
::the hamster on the doormat is all she sees::
Sandy: AWWWWW! How adorable! Come here, sweetie.
::She lunges for the hamster, and it scampers off. Sandy gives chase, and, just as planned, the hamster goes right back to the Mansion::
Sandy: I got you now!
Doctor Fred: On the contrary, my pretty lab rat.... I have YOU!
Sandy: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
Doctor Fred: ... Remind me to send a check to your parents to pay for these eyeglasses.
The fateful night, seven friends gathered outside the Maniac Mansion to save Sandy McTiff.
Dave Miller, Sandy's boyfriend.
Wendy Hemingway, disgruntled writer.
Jeff Woodie, gnarly surfer and trivial clairvoyant.
Michael Stopper, photographer extraordinaire.
Sid Rotten, tone-deaf musician.
Razor Sharpe, teenage punk rock queen.
Bernard Bernoulli, quissential nerd.
The seven of them would each live out their personal dreams as they bravely invaded Maniac Mansion; flushing out all its terrible secrets; outsmarting the evil Dr. Fred, the quasi-evil Nurse Edna, and the Diet-Coke-of-evil "Weird" Ed Edison; rescued Sandy from the hideous Zom-B-Matic machine, and removed the threat of the meteor for good.

2 years ago today...
Juan Valdez and his trusty goat retire in style after someone orders another metric ton of coffee.
The address?
Maniac Mansion.

Today...
The campus of San Martino De Isobella De Francesca De Bananananabobesca El Tres University, located just off the beaches of California.
One dorm in particular housed three very... umm... strange roommates.
Hoagie: Dammit, Bernard, turn down that Mozart! I can hardly hear myself eat!
Bernard: Too loud? You bang your head against 20-foot speakers for fun!
Hoagie: Yeah, but they're playing music that doesn't sound like a cat playing a harpsichord.
Laverne: Has anybody seen my scalpel? I need it for dissection lab tomorrow.... ::evil grin::
Bernard: Have you checked your room?
Laverne: YES, Bernard. What do you think I am, some kind of twit?
Hoagie: Judging from the way you walk, yes.
Laverne: Who asked you? There's nothing wrong with the way I walk!
Bernard: Hoagie... kinda does have a point. You always seem to be prancing around everywhere with this clueless look in your eyes.
Laverne: ::sigh:: I could have taken the all-girls college... but NOOOO, I just HAD to take that anatomy class... at this rate i'll snap before I get my bachelor's degree.
Hoagie: Speaking of bachelors, Bernard, you still haven't turned down your lame-o music yet.
Bernard: Now wait just a minute...
Laverne: My scalpel! Hoagie, you've been eating lukewarm meatloaf with MY SCALPEL! Give it back!
Hoagie: No way! I'm not even half-finished yet! This is only my third helping!
Laverne: Murderer.
Bernard: Laverne, what are you doing?
Laverne: The right thing.
Hoagie: MY MEATLOAF! You threw my meatloaf out the window!
Laverne: Animals weren't meant to be eaten.
Hoagie: Then why do they taste so good?
Bernard: Umm... Maybe you two could talk this out somewhere else...
Laverne and Hoagie: SHADDAP!
Ah yes... Bernard, Laverne, and Hoagie. A nerd, a med student, and a roadie. Odd couple plus one. Poor Bernard, always having to listen to his roommates in a shouting match every day since he moved in. Little did he know a little demon from his past was preparing to haunt him...

The day before today...
It's a beautiful day- the fish are jumping, the birds are singin- well, that is, until they reach the rotten air coming from the river of toxic sludge just outside of the Edison household. While deadly to humans, animals, plants, and many forms of bacteria, it will be quite beneficial to a certain... synthetic being.
... NO! Not Cher! A DIFFERENT synthetic being!
Green Tentacle: You shouldn't drink that... it looks dangerous.
Purple Tentacle: Nonsense. ::slurp:: It makes me feel smarter. Stronger. More aggressive. Besides, it tastes like Snapple. ::glurp:: Why, I feel like I could...
::Purple Tentacle begins to shake violently::
Green Tentacle: Purple? Are you okay?
Purple Tentacle: LlLlLiIiIikKkKe I coOoOulLlLdD...
Green Tentacle: Purple, what's happening?
::CLANKETYCLANKCLANKBUCKAWKUMPBUMPFIZZKAPOP::
Purple Tentacle: ::Zoom in, Purple Tentacle strikes Dramatic Pose #37:: TAKE ON THE WORLD!
Green Tentacle: You grew arms!
Purple Tentacle: Pretty stylish, don't you think? With these new extremities and my superior intelligence, combined with my hatred for those worthless humans... I can... ::zoom in:: TAKE ON THE WORLD!
Green Tentacle: Come again?
Purple Tentacle: I want to ::zoom in:: TAKE.... ON.... THE.... WORLD!
Green Tentacle: Eh?
Purple Tentacle: ::sigh:: I want to conquer the earth. Run the place. be the head honcho. I.... want... to... rule... the.... world. Got it?
Green Tentacle: Umm.... what was that last part?
Purple Tentacle: Forget it. That's the last time I waste a dramatic villain pose on someone like you. I wonder if this is how that lab mouse with the big head feels?
Green Tentacle: Narf.

Back to today... tonight, actually...
Hoagie: Could someone get the door?
Laverne: Get it yourself, you're right next to it.
Hoagie: That would require moving.
Laverne: Grr... ::she answers the door:: Ooh, it's a hamster! Maybe I can use it for dissection lab!
Hoagie: Excuse me, miss meat-is-murder? You want to off that fuzzy little guy?
Laverne: It's in the name of science. Dissection teaches us, about these creatures, while meat just makes one fat and lazy.
Hoagie: And the bad part is?
Laverne: What were YOU planning on doing with this hamster?
Hoagie: Use it for the band. Maybe we could bite its head off, or whatever...
Laverne: Typical carnivore.
Bernard: ::busting into the scene, to a multitude of canned applause:: oh no... it can't be... DROP THAT HAMSTER!
Laverne: Freind of yours, Bernard?
Bernard: vacant, huge eyes... bald spots... athlete's foot... This hamster belongs to none other than my old friend, "Weird" Ed Edison!
Hoagie: Ed.... Edison?
Laverne: As in Dr. FRED Edison?
Hoagie: "I-suck-the-brains-out-of-cheerleaders-for-fun" Dr. Fred Edison?
Bernard: Oh that was YEARS ago! Some evil meteor made him do it anyway.
Laverne: A likely story.
Bernard: It's from Green Tentacle! He says Purple Tentacle's mutated into an evil genius, and Dr. Fred's gonna kill them both!
Laverne: At least they won't get eaten, HOAGIE.
Hoagie: At least they won't be dismembered in the name of "science", LAVERNE.
Bernard: This is no joke! Green's an old friend of mine!
::Bernard strikes Dramatic Pose #21::
Bernard: I thought I was done with Dr. Fred and those crazy Edisons forever. But now, I know that I must go...

::dramatic pause::







Laverne: Anytime now, Christopher Reeve.














Hoagie: Out with it already!

















::an hour later::
















::two hours later::














::three hours and 37 minutes later::
Bernard: BACK... to the MANSION!