You're sat in Regina's walk in closet, your back leaning against the door. You're still sat in the same position at you were five hours ago, when Regina had unceremoniously shoved you in here with your bundle of clothes, warning you to be quiet. Robin had come home from work early, some how he had found out about the two of you. You're not quite sure how, you had been so careful. You suppose it was only a matter of time until this whole sordid affair blew up in your face. Not that you regret a second of it, hell how could you?
It had all been Regina's idea, and of course you had jumped at the chance. Like you'd ever of been able to tell her no. You'd been in love with her from the first moment you'd laid eyes on her. She'd told you that her husband meant nothing to her, that she wanted you to help her escape from him, not permanently but temporarily. Of course you'd jumped at the chance, consequences be damned. What of it if you couldn't look Robin in the eye any more? What of it if your insides burnt with shame as soon as she pushed you away as soon as you were done.
When you and Regina are together, when she's coming undone beneath your hands, lips chanting your name, hands gripping the bed sheets, chest heaving, that's something you could never regret. As time has passed something tender had grown between you, she'd made you feel loved. You so desperately wanted her to love you, you had spent so many restless nights awake craving it. Knowing it was something unattainable, something that would likely never have. Like a fool you had allowed yourself to fall for the feeling regardless. Despite having a family now you'd never quite gotten over the habit of searching for morsels of love wherever you could find them. Old habits die hard, you'd think that Neal was enough proof of that for you. Apparently not.
So now, well over a year later, you find yourself sat in Regina's closet, pressed against the door, legs cramping and muscles tensed. Several times you had tried to force yourself to stop, to be honourable like so many people thought you were. The saviour, the honourable Sheriff. Of only they knew, if only they could see you now. You'd learnt much about yourself over the past year, you were about as far from honourable as it was possible to get. No matter how hard you'd tried to resist, all it took was a text from Regina and you'd come running at her beck and call.
They're in the bedroom again, they've been shouting for a little more than an hour. You can hear every word, the door's really not very thick. You can hear the pleading note in Regina's voice, the hint of panic creeping up her throat. Hardly noticeable, making her voice just a tad more high pitched than it should be. You know that you shouldn't be attuned enough to Regina's emotions to notice things like this.
You try and tune them out, because really, you don't want to consider how much pain you've caused, you've ripped their marriage apart at the seams. A part of you knows that that's not fair, Regina came to you, she started this. But you're the one who said yes and you're the one who continued it. You're the one who came running every time she said she wanted you, because the thrill of being wanted by some one you loved drove you mad, like a dog with a bone. It works to some degree, their voices become a buzzing noise in the background, Regina more in focus than Robin. You focus on the pain you're in, the cramps and aches and spasms. It feels like retribution for the damage you've caused, karma and everything.
You hear a loud and rather panicked shout from Regina, and you blink dully. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, after all, you've been sat in this closet for almost six hours. Her words register and you can pinpoint the exact moment that your world crashes around your ears and your heart breaks into a million jagged pieces. Regina had just screamed at her husband "She means nothing to me!" You dully note the sound of Regina sobbing before the sounds becomes muffled. After a while the sounds change and you hear Regina gasp in a way that she swore only you had ever made her, and like the idiot you are you had believed her.
You try your utmost hardest to tune out the sounds, you really do. But every sound seems to be amplified tenfold. You press the heels of your palms against your ears, so hard that for a second you worry you might cause damage, but you can still hear them. The sounds keep replaying in your mind, one continuous loop.
Of course you knew they had sex, they're married, and you're not totally inept. It had been so damned easy to pretend though. To pretend that you were the only one that Regina wanted, that you were the only one allowed to touch her. You so badly wanted to be the only one to touch her, kiss her, be with her, that you had managed to convince yourself of it. You learn a valuable lesson after six hours and twelve minutes in the closet, and that is that fantasies are a dangerous thing.
After a while, the noises stop. You hear a bed creak, and someone wandering around. You hope, for Regina's sake (and that makes you hate yourself just a little bit more) that if its Robin he doesn't come into the closet. From the sounds of things he dresses and makes some excuse about needing time to himself. After he leaves every thing is quiet. You make yourself stand and dress, awkwardly, with a lot of fumbling involved.
Finally, you hear Regina moving towards the door and you steel yourself. You can feel the walls that haven't been in place for so long rising. The door handle bends, and you know you must look a mess. In a sick and twisted way that bothers you, because she won't find you beautiful when she sees you like this. She opens the door slowly and you can feel your heart thud in your chest. It feels heavy, a lead weight, hard and dull.
She looks at you, chewing her lip, wringing her hands in front of her and it makes your heart break all over again. Despite your walls you can feel your bottom lip tremble and the tears fall. She reaches for you then, and she says your name, in a voice so small and broken that you almost want to comfort her. Almost. You flinch away from her touch and she backs away from the doorway as though burned, arm still raised towards you.
You feel a need rise within you, something you haven't felt in well over half a decade. A need to run, as far away from this awful place as possible. With it comes the ability to clamp down on your emotions, the ability to push everything down to below the surface where it belongs.
You push past Regina, and you're well on your way to escape, already at her bedroom door, before you hear her voice, panic filled and frightened.
"Emma, wait!"
You tense and briefly hesitate, you chance a glance back at her. She looks more vulnerable than you've ever seen her. Her face tear streaked, her lip quivering, whole form trembling, her arm wrapped protectively around her middle. You want to go to her, more than anything in the world, your heartbreak be damned, but her words hold you back. You mean nothing to her. Nothing.
All she had ever said to you had been a lie, she wanted her husband all along. She made that clear to you. So although you hesitate, long enough to look bad, long enough to break your heart even further and have it trampled some more, you don't stop. You carry on going, out of her bedroom, out of Mifflin street, out of Storybrooke and out of her life.
After all, you tell yourself, it's not like you're hurting any one but yourself. She didn't come after you, she didn't fight for you, she said you meant nothing. So you let your heart break and hope that she managed to fix her marriage. You may be miserable but that doesn't mean you want her to be.
You hope she's happy. She should be. After all, you meant nothing. Didn't you?
