Akuroku


My Darling...no that wasn't right

My….can I even call him mine?

Axel,

Where do I begin? It's been about a month since I lost saw you, but your acid green eyes and cheshire grin are still fresh in mind. I can even remember your laugh perfectly, not that I've been trying all that hard to if I'm being honest, I've been doing my best to forget you actually. Trying to forget the way you would absentmindedly gravitate towards me and we'd talk about anything. Or how we'd end up finding any excuse to touch each other, you putting your arm around me as if it was the most natural thing or when I'd play with your hair. Or, god, when you'd just envelop me in a hug and hold me like I was so much smaller than you thus had to be protected. We both knew I was so much smaller than you, but you always made it a point to look into my eyes. You never made me feel small, even when I got too nervous to actually hold a conversation with you, you just wanted to make me smile because that's what you did. You always made people smile. Maybe I was stupid to think I was special to you, after all I was just another boy in your class and hell none of us were even entirely sure you even liked boys! But the way you looked at me, the way you'd pay attention and remember things and shared random things with me, I-I thought I was special.

I guess I thought wrong, huh? I guess I was the only one who was opening up, I was the only one excited to share things. Do you remember the day we came back from a long weekend back in January? It was just after my birthday and before we had said our goodbyes for the three days I had told you I would be getting a tattoo sometime soon? Then I came to school Tuesday and was showing some of the others and you saw me showing it off and just walked away without a single word. Hayner said he saw you just stare at my hip and my face while I was talking then just walk away. Then class came around that day and everyone was doing their own thing and I found you alone on your laptop, doing your homework like the ever studious student you were in the backroom. I remember this perfectly, god how pathetic am I, I walked into that room and climbed into a chair right in front of you grinning like a madman and just chanted "guess what!" You just looked at my hip and said "well show me," I had totally planned it too. I had been praying I would get you alone that day so I could show you, like it was another moment between just you and I. I got up and stood next to you while you sat there and I just babbled about how it was still wrapped up since I had just gotten the day before. The look on your face was priceless, I pulled down my pants and my underwear ever so slightly and you blushed an adorable shade of pink. I'm more than sure I was blushing just as bad, for whatever reason showing you was so intimate. Then we talked until some girl came into the room and our conversation completely changed, and you were called on by the teacher and you left.

I remember so many of our stupid moments, us getting Jamba Juice, you taking me to go try some coffee place for the first time, you playing my Joker for our drama class. That bus ride home from that two day festival we went to, it was a nice night. Everyone had their windows down so it was chilly and you were right behind me and we were talking or making faces at each other. Until Sora sat next to me and offered me one of his earbuds, then a friend ended up next to you and your attention shifted. Sor and I just listened to music and of course sang along, I think you interrupted me during Daddy Issues to point out that coffee shop we went to. God, you were so cute, then Somebody Else came on and it was like you knew or something because it was that moment you reached over my seat to start playing with my hair. It was the most bittersweet moment of my life, a scene straight from a movie. We hadn't talked or anything at that point for about five minutes, then that song starts playing and I feel myself feeling things, then your hand is in my hair. Making me want to curl up by your side and never leave, but there was always something in the way for us.

That night it was a the back of a bus bench, maybe I should have just sat next to you that night but I had been stupid and had wanted to see if you would notice I was in front of you, other days it was other people, then some days it was us. Some days you came off as cold, like you didn't care about me or what I had to say, then other days I didn't want to be around you at all, for my own sanity. I didn't want to like you Axel, much more I never wanted to become infatuated with you...I never wanted to fall in love with you. But that very first day I cried because I was talking about how stupid you sometimes make me feel for thinking I might have a shot, that's when I knew and when Sor even pointed it out. That I was in love with you, hopelessly so. We still talked, still laughed, then all of a sudden you were gone. You were out of my life in an instant. Your plans changed because you were being given the opportunity of a lifetime and I was and am so happy for you.

But I'm selfish Axel, you were supposed to stick around, you were supposed to stay close enough to where we could eventually form a relationship that would be officially more than friends. You were supposed to be mine and I was supposed to be yours, but this time it was obviously fate, you were never meant to be mine, but god how I had wished for it. You're one of a kind, I can honestly say there will never be another guy quite like you.

I hope your grandma is doing well, I hope you're doing well. I guess I just needed to officially say it to you. I thought I had when asking you to be my Joker, I thought I had told you my feelings in so many different ways but I guess it was never clear. I loved you Axel, despite every barrier I have, I feel in love with you this year and I still dream about you and think about our times together. I'm pathetically hoping I'll run into you just so I can see you one last time because the last time we hugged I was so upset, I was so happy to leave your presence so I can get stoned out of my mind so I could forget how I was feeling.

I honestly believe you deserve the world Axe, you're an amazing person thank you for...everything.

-Forever Hopelessly Yours,

Roxas


Authors Note: I basically listened to I See Stars cover of Youth the entire time I wrote this...maybe I'll turn this into something, but as of this moment in time it is meant to simply be a one shot. Hope it made some of you feel something! I know my heart hurt as I wrote this...

And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one
'Cause most of us are bitter over someone
Setting fire to our insides for fun
To distract our hearts from ever missing them
But I'm forever missing him