In this series three friends travel with the Doctor across the universe! Yay.

Every "chapter" is a new episode and they get pretty crazy!

So, please, enjoy the wonder that is Doctor Who fan fiction...


DOCTOR WHO—THE GRASS IS GREENER

By Squishy

"Put that down!"

"But it's fuzzy!" Kristin argued, giggling, stroking the small figure. "What is it?"

"It's not to be played with," implored the doctor, flicking switches to fire up the TARDIS.

"They don't show any of this in the show," Sidney murmured, looking over the large shelf overstuffed with nic-nacs you've never seen before.

"What, do you like keep souvenirs from all the planets you save?"

"Only the ones that thank me for it," said the doctor, his sonic screwdriver between his teeth.

"Holy crap, it's your first hand!" Lacie squealed, rushing over to the little capsule full of purple liquid and the doctor's excess limb. Her companions screamed.

The doctor smiled, then waved at them, wriggling his fingers. "Hello."

The three of them laughed, more in a shocked way, like a holy-chiznits-I-can't-believe-this-is-actually-rea l-life-right-now kind of way.

Sidney and Lacie then began to impulsively quote the TV show. Kristin gazed up at the googly TARDIS ceiling, stretched out her arms and spun in a circle. She meandered over to where the doctor was working.

"I had dreams before about this," she said. "I never got past getting into the TARDIS."

"That so?"

"Yeah, it's kind of disappointing."

"Well, not this time, Miss…oh," the doctor faltered. "never asked for your names."

Kristin laughed. "SEK. Or Citen, or Toad or…well, mostly just Kristin."

The doctor blinked.

Kristin turned and pointed at Sidney. "And the curly-haired one's name is SAM, or Bowser, or POTO, or Sid but usually Sidney. And that other one is You-In-The-Blue, or YoshiYoshi, or Walt Disney, or, just Lacie."

The doctor's nose twitched as he blankly stared at Kristin and then abruptly knelt over the controls again. "Right then, just unloosen this…"

"Can I ask you a question?" said Kristin.

The doctor shrugged. "Might not have an answer."

"Why'd you pick us up?"

"Oh you know," he waved away the inquiry disinterestedly. "Community service. The lot of you looked so bored."

Kristin crossed her arms, lifted her eyebrow and shifted her weight over to one leg. With a little sister, a step dad and an abundance of chickens she knew when someone was hiding something. "Really?" she managed to make herself skeptical and fierce at the same time.

The doctor stopped working, sighed, and stood up to face her. "The star Eleanor. Ever heard of it? It's in your galaxy."

Kristin shook her head.

The doctor shoved his hands in his pockets. "There was a war on it, not too long ago. Fifteen million Ice Kings, nineteen million Esks. I had a plan; I did. I was going to stop it all. But, it's a black hole now. It was the first time I ever failed because I was alone."

"So now you need us?" Kristin whispered.

The doctor snapped out of this reverie, and fiddled with some of the instruments. "I dunno. Never that sure where I'm going. 'Had three companions before; just not all at the same time. Alright, the lot of you!" The doctor raised his voice to reach Sidney and Lacie, who were now singing. "Grab on to something!"

"Doctor, where are we going?" ventured Sidney, securing herself to a bubbly pillar.

"He just said he's not sure," replied Kristin knowledgably.

"Oh now that's funny-looking!" smiled the doctor, indicating to his little blue screen. "That planet there, it looks like a donut, or a very large earring…"

"Let's go there!" The girls chorused together.

Great trembling shuddered through the TARDIS and all three earthlings fell immediately to the floor. The TARDIS whirled and twisted and spun until everything became indefinite. Kristin was screaming in terror, Lacie in enjoyment and Sidney was laughing maniacally. This continued even after the shaking stopped, and the doctor had to go about helping them all to their feet.

"Here we are!" he sang jubilantly. "Galaxy Lymphed De Garssio, Sector WK296. Teeny little thing, this one. The planet, Oooook, it says. Ook, just like that."

"You've never been here before?" Lacie grunted.

"It's a big galaxy…universe….place." The doctor grinned, that usual exhilarated about-to-go-on-an-adventure look about him that he always gets before he hops out of the TARDIS. "We're about to find out, aren't we? Come on, then!"

The four of them piled out the front doors of the TARDIS.

"This isn't Planet Ook," muttered Sidney, disappointed. "This is a golf course." Which is essentially what it looked like. So…now I won't have to explain it to you.

The doctor folded his arms, rocking back and forth on his heels. "That could be. Never considered there might be a golf course in Sector WK296."

A loud squealing echoed throughout the empty meadow. The ground shuddered once, twice and again until what looked like a horse, a giant horse the size of ten sky-scrapers came bounder over the hill.

The doctor's mouth dropped open.

"What is that!" howled Kristin over the earthquake.

"Uh…big. It's very, very big," murmured the doctor.

The four watched as the masculine beast bounded past, followed by three more.

"So," concluded Sidney. "The planet Ook is the land of giant horses?"

The doctor shook his head. "No. Those aren't horses. They're called Eleck, slave-drivers for the species Noob.

Lacie snorted and then fell over.

"But they're never that big," continued the doctor, staring, puzzled in the direction the Eleck had gone.

"How big are they normally?" wondered Kristin.

"More round 'bout the size of goats or llamas."

Sidney's mouth went slack. "So…so, we've been shrunken or something, right?"

Again, the doctor shook his head. "If we shrank the grass would be taller."

Lacie rolled over and got to her knees. "You're telling me we're on the planet for newbs!?"

"I hope not," muttered the doctor, squatting down and plucking a blade of grass from Ook. He inspected it for a second, then ate it.

"Blimey!" he yelped as the tip of his left pointer finger inflated to the size of a ping-pong ball.

"Is that normal!?" Sidney gasped.

"For Ook," said the doctor. "It must be why the Eleck are so big, it's in the grass they're eating."

"So if we all ate a bunch of that, we'd be big too?" Kristin asked.

The doctor wagged his swollen finger in her face. "I suppose so. There must be an anecdote."

"What's wrong with being big?"

The doctor stood. "Well, for one thing it's against Sector regulations to enlarge any organism more than sixty times its original size. These look to be approximately ninety-four point six times."

Lacie and Kristin looked at each other.

"And for another thing…there's usually a reason for them to be enlarged."

Before this could sink in completely the doctor's pocket quaked, like he had a vibrating cell phone there. "Hold on," he questioned, taking out his sonic screwdriver which was indeed vibrating. "She's picking up an energy signal. That's got to be over twelve-hundred volts!"

"Ooh, scary," said Lacie lifelessly, and her friends laughed.

Suddenly the doctor lurched forward, his outstretched hand carrying the screwdriver. The others followed. "Oh, that's very strong."

"Doctor what's happening!"

"The screwdriver is magnetically attracted to some sort of foreign energy. Oh, that's very interesting."

"So we're just gonna follow it?" squealed Sidney, alarmed.

"For now, yeah," said the doctor, obviously enjoying himself.

"But what if it leads to something bad?" She insisted.

"Then we stop it," he replied simply.

"I like this guy," Lacie giggled.

The doctor, Sidney, Kristin and Lacie speed-walked through the open grassland for three miles.

Soon voices were heard. Hammering, sawing, heavy machinery, and queerest of all, chanting. The four stopped atop a hill that overlooked a round bowl-like valley. It was a construction site. They were making something.

Sidney, Lacie and Kristin stopped dead when they saw who they were.

Short, knee-high scaly orange midgets with pimply faces and long blue tongues that served as their fourth arm made funny grunting noises as they worked. They were naked, ginger and cranky. Several wore hard hats. Kristin gasped in alarm, Lacie's eyes widened, and Sidney again laughed.

"So these are…Noobs," said Lacie, trying not to laugh.

"The lot of them, yes," said the doctor, then his brow furrowed. "What's that?" He walked along the edge of the bowl to see past the funny-looking tractor that was blocking his view. Then he understood. "Oooooh," he sighed grimly.

"What is it?" The girls hurried to follow. In the center of the bowl, the ground was gone. A huge gaping hole. The size of a football field, all that was visible was stars.

"Oh this is very bad," said the doctor, taking from his coat pocket a small box of pastries.

"What is it?" repeated Sidney, "And why are you eating donuts at a time-" the doctor shoved one of the treats into her open mouth, choking her.

"Déjà vu," snorted Lacie quietly.

"It is not a donut, Miss Bowser, it is a donut hole."

"Oooooooh," Kristin echoed the doctor. "I get it now. The doctor began to pass out the goodies.

"But, like if there's a big donut hole in this planet, wouldn't like gravity and stuff be too strong for us to be still standing here? We'd all get sucked in, right?" Lacie strained to understand the ridiculous concepts of science.

"Right, but I'm supposing they've got a chemical to keep that from happening. Hydro -no- Oxygliceryn."

"That's not even a real chemical!" Sidney accused.

"On Earth," said the doctor patiently. "So that hole's all this energy my screwdriver's been picking up. I wonder…hm!" he trailed off and began to play with his screwdriver.

"So what are the Noobs doing, then?" Kristin wondered. "Trying to close it off?"

A construction fight broke out below and one Noob went soaring over the heads of the others, right into the hole. As soon as the ground was gone beneath him, his limbs were torn apart, smearing him into mush as the hole stole him away in lightening speed. Sidney blinked hard, but she was sure she saw the hole widen, ever so slightly.

"That's twelve millimeters so far today!" cried a Noob in a tractor, sitting in front of what might have been a computer. "Keep working and the wage will go up two credits for the day!"

The Noobs, as a whole, gave a jovial cheer and continued working.

"They're not trying to close it off," realized the doctor quietly. "They're making it bigger."

"You there!" A deep, gruff voice thundered behind the four of them.

"Hey, it's the rhinos from the moon!" Kristin recognized as the five masculine beasts in black uniforms trudged their way.

"Eh? How can I help you, officer?" The doctor welcomed pleasantly.

"His royal Noobness requests the doctor's captivation and any of his accomplices," announced the rhino that had spoken before.

"Oh I'm no doctor," said the doctor, taking out his psychic papers and flashing them at the policerhino. "Jon Smith, from the health department. Just seeing that these Noobs are following protocol. Safety and sanitary," he winked. "That's our motto."

The rhino was undaunted. "That may be, sir, but His Noobness still requests your captivation."

The doctor considered, and then shrugged, pocketing his papers again. "That's alright, I suppose. I've been wanting to speak with him anyway."

The rhino nodded curtly. "Bind them."

"Oh no sir, that's not necessary."

The policerhino glared. "Yes sir, it is." The rhinos latched their metallic vice-hand onto the quartet's arms, one to each girl and one to either side of the doctor.

"Doc- I mean Jon!" yelped Kristin, panicking.

"It's alright," he assured, "Just do as they say."

After walking about a quarter mile, Lacie managed to move herself next to the doctor. "Did that hole actually get bigger when that Noob fell in?" she whispered.

"It's a void: it feeds on life. You give nothing something and it becomes an even bigger nothing," explained the doctor, his eyes trained forward.

"O…kay, I'm gonna pretend that makes sense," allowed Lacie. "Then is that why they're enlarging the Eleck? To have more to put in the hole?"

"Yes…yes I suppose that'd add up."

"So they're using their own slaves to turn their planet into a black hole?"

"What am I, a magic nine ball? I've never met another lot of earthlings with more questions!"

"Doctor," hissed Lacie urgently. "Why are they trying to make the hole bigger?"

The doctor wet his lips, still staring intently forward. It was a long time before he spoke again. "I don't know."

A large green brick extravagant palace came into view and the policerhinos marched toward it. "The castle Noob," said the doctor reverently.

"Hey Lacie!" Sidney called, and then bluffed Shrek's rich Scottish accent. "Ya think maybe he's compensating for something, eh?"

Lacie laughed. "Oh my gosh that movie's so old!"

"Have you seen the fourth one yet?" Kristin asked.

"Of course not, smarticus, it's not even in the theaters yet!" Lacie snorted back.

"We should totally time-travel to see it!" Sidney declared. "Doctor, you're taking us to see Shrek four!"

The doctor's brow furrowed. "Who is Shrek?"

"An American legend!"

"We will walk in silence," said the policerhino gruffly.

"Yes sir," said Lacie sarcastically.

"Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the donut," Kristin whispered to Sidney, and they struggled to contain their laughter.

They arrived at the castle moat and Lacie giggled ecstatically. "Holy crap I've always wanted to cross one of these! Are there like crocodiles in there? She gestured down at the rosy water.

"Smuts," replied her captor.

"What's a smut? Jeez, you guys come up with the greatest names! What does it look like?"

"You will find out if you continue to talk," barked her rhino, tightening his grip around her arm.

"Oooooh, you got told," Kristin grinned.

"Uh, humankind," the doctor explained to the policerhinos. "They don't follow orders well. And human-female kind down like to be quiet. It's…difficult for them."

"They will be given one more chance," allowed the head rhino irritably.

The girls reluctantly pressed their lips together.

The nine of them marched through the rich beautiful halls and the girls were enamored by it's splendor. Slaves ducked out of their way: all sorts of colors, textures, shapes and sizes. It seemed ages before they entered the main hall and were pushed down to their knees before a twelve-foot throne. "The doctor as you asked for, your Noobness," announced the head rhino.

A short stubby Noob dressed in long sickly-golden robes that went far passed the ends of his does and purple jewelry looked absolutely ridiculous in his enormous throne. He smiled. "Good," his voice was comically high, like Alvin and the Chipmunks. Sidney strained to keep her composure. "You are dismissed, guards."

The rhinos released their vices and trudged away.

"Ah Doctor," the king's pleasant smile was as sick as his golden oversized robes. "At last we meet. I see you've brought your munchkins."

"Munchkins!" Kristin sputtered. "Look who's calling who a munchkin!"

"Easy," the doctor warned tentatively. "he's extremely powerful."

"Are you kidding me!" Lacie spat. "I could shake his hand too hard and smoosh him!"

"I think he means royalty power," Sidney clued in. "It's all in who you know."

The king's eyebrow lifted and just one of his eyeballs swiveled to a small urn against the wall beyond Lacie's head. In less than a second, the urn shattered into a billion pieces.

"Nnnnnevermind," Sidney reclaimed quickly.

The king gave a contagious Alvin chuckle. "Chattery little aliens you brought along with you, Doctor. And if I were to address them…?"

"Kinigit."

"Obi-one."

"Squishy."

"Very good," grinned the king.

"If I could plead your indulgence, your Greatness," the doctor chose his words cautiously. "How could you tell I had arrived?"

The king grinned dramatically. "I could smell you."

"What? Oh no, that was Sidney."

"Lacie what the heck!"

"Noobs are programmed with an impeccable sense of smell," the doctor explained through his teeth.

"And you certainly did make quite a stink, didn't you? The last Timelord and three humans, in this galaxy. I knew it was only a matter of time before you came around. Beautiful timing, by the way."

"Right, about that," said the doctor, "how long has it been that you've been working on that hole of yours? Certainly is a pretty one, out there."

"Six millions years," said the Noob. "Even longer to create the fertilizer for the grass."

The doctor laughed incredulously. "Over six millions years and you haven't had one peep of trouble from the government about that?"

The king gave a delicate shrug. "Some people must be eliminated."

The doctor shoved his hands into his pockets, turned around and paced backward. "So you've broken the law so you can turn simple wagon-drivers into dinosaurs to dump into your black hole and probably increase that by ninety-six point four times its size as well," the doctor turned back to the king and posed the brilliant question. "All for what?"

"I love it when he does that," Kristin whispered to Sidney.

"Oh Doctor," squeaked the king happily, patronizingly. "You of all people should know, the older you become, the more enemies you make."

"Ah, I see," the doctor said.

"Wow, you are a newb," Lacie said bluntly. "You're turning your entire planet into a life-sucking black hole? Who does that?"

"You know I can't let you do this," the doctor stated sternly.

"Fortunately for you the project is nearly completed. The Eleck are fully grown, and ready to be cast into the hole. You'll stay in a holding cell just long enough for the measures to be taken and make themselves irreversible. Then you are free to go and warn any planet or ship you like, though I seriously doubt anyone might listen."

"Why don't you just kill me?" he demanded fiercely.

"Because it's not my place," giggled the king. "And it would do me no good. The last Timelord. Can't have the universe go without one of those, can we? Apocalypse, I'm telling you!"

"Dude, choose a side! You're twiggin' me out!" Lacie snarled, annoyed.

The king chuckled. "Silly little earthling." He sniffed. "Earthling? Is that certain? How certain are you of your origin, dear Squishy?"

Lacie glared.

"Squishy…that does sound rather familiar. Slishy? Perhaps? Queen Slishy? Hm, no, more like Slisht-"

"Stop," Lacie snapped murderously.

"This guy is off on one," Kristin laughed.

"Got that right," growled Lacie, still glaring at the king.

"I see how you're enjoying this," the doctor stepped toward the throne. "You've got everyone working for you. You hexed those rhinos to be under your command, you've altered some field sheep to be your monsters, all the other Noobs bow down to worship you, working to exterminate each and ever last one of your enemies, and you got me keeping everything in order for you, eh?"

The king again gave his cheeky smile. "Quite an insightful one, aren't you?"

The doctor put his foot on the steps leading up to the throne. "IF these plans follow through I won't do anything in your favor," he vowed intensely. "I'll contact the real police: they knew me and they will listen to me. You and your entire planet will be destroyed, after six million years of wealthy development. There's still time to turn it around. I can help you. You just have to let me try!"

"Oh I'm sure you'll be helping me quite a lot in the future, Doctor."

"Don't make me destroy your planet!"

"Not to worry: you wouldn't get the opportunity. Guards, take them away, please."

Rhinos entered instantaneously and began grabbing the four of them. The doctor struggled against them.

"I can help you! I'll find you a new planet! You can start new! No one will have to know about the Elecks! Please! Don't do this!"

The Noob just smiled and waved as the four were carried away, all howling in protest.

The cell was nothing like a prison. More like the mental hospital Sidney always said Lacie would end up in one day: white walls, ceilings, floors and four white pillows. The doctor pounded his fist against the white metallic door when the rhino had at last shoved him inside. For a moment he stayed there, his head pressed against it.

Then, he turned around. "Right then, here's the plan. Citen, you come with me, I'll need an extra pair of hands. You-In-The-Blue, find the Elecks and set them loose. Get them out of here, got it? We can't let a single Noob lay a hand on them."

Lacie nodded.

He turned to Sidney. "When I'm ready, I'll give you my screwdriver." ("Yesssssss!") "Get yourself as far away from the castle as you can, and when you see SEK and I are safely outside, point the screwdriver at the castle and press this button, see that?"

"What does it do?" She asked.

He considered, then crinkled up his nose, shaking his head. "IT's better you don't know right now. So," he looked over the faces of the girls. "We ready?"

"The Noobs are going to die, aren't they?" Sidney asked quietly.

"Yes," said the doctor softly, his eyes teeming with gentility. "I'm sorry, I tried. There's no other way."

Though she strained, tears pooled in her eyes and went spilling down her face. The doctor hesitated, then pulled her to his chest, stroking her curly hair. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

Kristin and Lacie stood there awkwardly and jealously until they were done.

The doctor dove down to the ground and felt along the floor for a seam, and then ran his screwdriver along it. Like nothing, the floorboard popped up. "Noobs come up with the weakest prison mechanisms," he mumbled, mostly to himself. "Quite…what's the word they use in the states? Lum, limb…"

"Lame," the girls chorused together.

The doctor grinned. "That's the one. Right then, down we go." He swung down into the hole and disappeared into the dark.

Kristin peered over the edge. "Doctor?"

He suppressed a grunt. "Nice soft cushy landing," he called back up, his voice distressingly distant. "One at a time, then! I'll catch you!"

Suddenly, the girls were fighting over who was first. Lacie won.

When they were all gathered at the bottom, the tiny square of light more than thirty feet above them did no good. "Somebody got a light?" The doctor asked.

"Surprised you don't," said Sidney, taking out her phone and turning it on. "Holy crap! Twelve bars! How does that even work! I love this galaxy!" her joy was quickly doused when she flashed the light around the room.

"Oh, this is very bad," the doctor moaned as the monstrous multi-headed beasts around them began to rouse. "RUN!"

Using only the light from Sidney's phone, the four dodged the life-sized, ravenous creatures, searching desperately for the door. No one needed the doctor's instruction this time. It must have been instinct, or maybe my creativity is running on fumes right now. I don't know. One of the tow. They all just happened to know what to do, okay? Each of them found a wall and dodging the masculine animals' teeth and spikes and whatever other pointy things protruding from their bodies, they groped the wall, seeking a way out. The doctor's long cloak was torn, Kristin got a cut going from her collarbone to the nape of her neck, Sidney lost a small patch of hair and Lacie was just having issues. But at long last, Kristin called out, "Here!" And the other three fought their way toward her. The door opened easily enough, after a couple of Lacie's body slams, Sidney's karate kicks and the doctor's screwdriver did a number on it. The point is, they made it out alive.

"Okay," said the doctor when they were all leaning against the door, gasping for breath. Maybe the mechanisms aren't as lame as I thought they were."

The four found themselves in a darkened hallway, obviously the basement of the castle. They made their way swiftly through the corridors. All of them remained calm as a Noob passed by and the doctor took out his psychic papers.

"Jon Smith, maintenance," he said casually.

The Noob stopped, inhaling sharply. "You're not maintenance! You're the doctor!" he accused.

Lacie rolled her eyes, seized the little man by the knees, swung him upside down, and bashed his head into the floor, letting him drop there, unconscious. "Frickin newb," she muttered as they continued on walking.

The four of them laughed. "Always forget these papers never work around Noobs," the doctor scolded himself quietly. They approached the door at the end of the hallway. The doctor pressed his ear against it. "Alright." Applying the screwdriver, the door swung open to a grassy courtyard. He nodded at Sidney and Lacie. "You two go on, then."

"Where're we going?" Kristin wondered.

"Down to the computer room for techy stuff," said the doctor.

"Yippee!" she cried gleefully.

The doctor laughed. "Oh, the three of you are growing on me."

"We do that," Sidney said, and then followed Lacie across the threshold.

Lacie stopped and turned back. "We will see you again," she stated firmly.

The doctor nodded solemnly. "Yes, You will."

Lacie nodded back, her lips pressed into a tight line. "Meet you at the TARDIS, then." And she strode out of view with Sidney.

"Where do you learn all this computer stuff?" Kristin had to ask after ten minutes.

The doctor zipped around the room like a lemur on caffeine, knowing exactly which switch to flip and knob to twist and cord to unplug. Kristin mainly could only stand among the rows and rows of complex technology and watch him spring around. He got away so well with being the biggest geek in the universe.

"Is there like an academy you go to in some smarty galaxy?"

"Timelord training," he replied simply. "And Timelord instincts. Hold that," he dumped a great stack of wires into Kristin's arms.

Kristin watched as he pulled from his faded red converse a thick black pen and pointed it at one of the screens. Like the screwdriver, the light at the end of it flashed and hummed, the screen went fuzzy.

"That's Matron Foster's sonic pen!" Kristin realized.

The doctor gave her a wary glance.

"You stole Foster's pen!"

"I didn't steal it, she died. It wasn't like she'd be needing it again."

"But you threw it away!"

"Yeah, that's what Donna thought. And, apparently the rest of the world. Look I needed a spare, alright? It only works in situations like this."

"What, when you give yours to someone else?"

"The screwdriver and the castle need to be connected, that's all."

Kristin rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

The doctor took the cords back from her, then led her over to another section of the computer room and immediately began plugging everything in again. "The computer needs human components. Fit your arm in there," he instructed.

"You kidding?" Kristin guffawed.

"No," said the doctor patiently. "Do it."

Sighing and muttering something along the lines of 'the things I do for sexy aliens' Kristin surrendered her arm into the small empty, dark compartment. Instantly it came alive with a blue light and Kristin began laughing hysterically. When the process was over she was left panting, and turned to see the doctor waiting with his hand over his mouth, suppressing chuckles.

"I never get over that part," he said, and Kristin hit him.

"You jerk!"

"Who goes there!"

Both whirled around to find a herd of six or seven Noobs had discovered them, armed with very Toy Story-looking guns. "Crap," Kristin muttered.

The Noob in front sniffed. "It's the doctor! Fire!"

"Noooooooo!" Kristin screamed, and (in slow motion) James-Bond-jumped in front of the doctor.

"TOAD!"

"Find the Elecks, that's a great idea. Find the Elecks, Lacie. Could be anywhere on this freaking planet, just keep your eyes open, and keep walking. Doesn't give me a sonic screwdriver, maybe a GPS, maybe an Eleck-detector? Noooo! Not even a bloody electric scooter! Lacie's good with furry things, oh yeah. Guess this is what I get for being nice to something. All you gotta do is wait around till you see the doctor, point at the castle and press a button! We all know how to do that! My brother could do that! My grandpa could do that! Just press a button on a remote! I'll press you a button, Doctor! How many friggin' Elecks are there on this friggin' donut? You'd think you couldn't friggin' miss them, so friggin' big. What do they have, like a giant friggin' Eleck stable?"

Moodily, Lacie flung herself around a corner and over a hill. Perched happily in the middle of the next terrain was a mountainous Lincoln-log barn. Lacie stopped there.

"Oh," she finally said to herself

She then proceeded to ninja her way up to the stable.

Lacie entered through the sky window, knocked out the two attending Noobs patrolling the nosebleed chicken coop, and continued to ninja down to floor one. She truly did feel shrunken then. It was like a natural horse stable, only she wasn't even tall enough to see over the hoofs of the great things. Tall skinny ladders with a thousand runs leaned against each stall. Lacie scaled the on closest to her. At the top, a Noob was balancing levels that held the Eleck's bowl of food in front of it. Lacie yanked at the Noob's foot and sent him plummeting to his death. She then maneuvered herself atop the Eleck's nostril and stroked his nozzle, making peace with the beast. When she was sure he trusted her, Lacie found the levers that opened the stall door. As he obediently left his stall, she snatched the line of rope that was hanging on a nail by the door and began tying herself a makeshift harness. She lassoed the other end around the Elecks' ear and as he began to move down the aisle of the stable, Lacie Tarzaned herself back and forth between stalls, unlatching each as she went, taking out any Noob that stood in her way.

Soon they were all trailing out of the stable behind her, riding bare-nose on the leading Eleck. The words of the doctor returned to her. Get them out of here, got it? So Lace was freeing the Elecks…but they were so big! And they were all under her control now; this had been easier than she thought.

Plus, she wasn't sure how se was gonna get down yet.

Lacie stopped and looked to the right, then to the left, assessing her options. Making up her mind, she then pressed her heels into the side of the Eleck's nose. "Ya!"

Sidney shifted her feet nervously. This is what was great about Washington, and what sucked about Ook. Trees. There was no place to hide out as she waited while Kristin and the doctor took WAY TOO LONG. So she just stood there awkwardly, the sonic screwdriver in one hand, the other one rubbing her forearm so hard she was probably gonna start a fire sometime soon. She felt so freaking exposed!

Which was probably why the Noobs were able to spot her so quickly, pointing and sniffing and shouting and running as fast as their little legs could carry them. Sidney remembered a movie in science once where the red ants overtook an entire frog just because their numbers were so large. She suddenly felt very much like a frog. She frowned as she saw the Noobs coming.

"Fun," she muttered to herself.

Then, without a prayer that it would work, Sidney lifted up the sonic screwdriver and pointed it at the Noobs. They stopped dead in their tracks, you could hear a pen drop…or whatever Noobs used to write with.

"Well this is good," she decided out loud. "Not sure how long it's gonna last, but this is good."

The Noobs began to shout scornfully at her.

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" She roared. And miraculously, they obeyed. "Now!" she shouted, thrusting around the screwdriver. "Anybody knows what happens when alligators go to the dentist?!"

Sidney was halfway through explaining the definitions of ancient runes, sitting cross-legged in the grass, no longer pointing the screwdriver at the little beasts when the doctor came sprinting from the castle. Kristin bounced flaccidly in his arms, and a whole new herd of Noobs were in hot pursuit.

"Now, SAM, now!" he shouted.

"Oh yeah!" Sidney leapt to her feet. The Noobs, awoken by their brethren and now remembering their place also jumped up and advanced Sidney. She pointed the screwdriver at the castle. The doctor hit the ground Tom Cruise style, shielding Kristin with his sexy body.

The castle, breaking into a million pieces, flowed over the hill and was pulled right into the hole, just a quarter-mile away.

"Listen!" Sidney quieted everyone once more. "Your empire is dead! Surrender the black hole or be sucked into it!"

"Oh Sid," moaned the doctor, a hundred yards away. "What have you done."

And as he knew they would, the Noobs revolted energetically. The disloyalty here was incredible. Sidney pointed at a Noob and pressed the button, but nothing happened.

"Uh, Doctor?" she called nervously.

Sidney managed to batter off the first ten Noobs that attacked her, having a number of younger siblings, but there were simply too many of them. "Ribbet," she cried desperately as her vision was blocked out by a fat pimply orange belly.

Thunder and the earthquake ceased their attack. Over the hill, the Eleck came galloping. The Noobs scattered, their arms in the air as the Eleck bounded forward, whinnying triumphantly. The Eleck herded them onward, sheep-dogging them all toward the donut hole. In all their shortness, the Noob race only expanded their hole six inches or so. Lacie motioned the Eleck free, but rode hers back to Sidney. With a series of coded pats, she persuaded the Eleck to lower his head so she could easily slide off his nozzle. She helped Sidney to her feet, grinning. "Who needs to be a ninja! You hypnotized them! That was freaking awesome!"

The two sprinted back to where the doctor was kneeling over Kristin. "No, no, no! C'mon, breathe!" He pumped at her heart, then leaned over and gave her two breathes. The doctor waited, and slowly, Kristin's eye opened and she found the faces of her friend.

"Jealous?" she wheezed.

The girls tackled her in a huge octopus hug. For a long while, they laid in a row in the grass, gazing up at the twin suns, reminiscing the entire mission and laughing the adrenaline chills off.

"So," sighed Sidney after a couple minutes. "What happens now?"

The doctor shrugged happily. "Ook now belongs to the Elecks. I give them the anecdote and the planet will never be a black hole threat to this galaxy again."

Lacie thought, then began to laugh stupidly. "Newbs," she said. They laughed together.

The doctor sat up and pulled from his coat pocket a small container of what looked like toothpaste.

"Dude I swear you have Narnia in your pockets!" exclaimed Sidney. "What is that?"

"The anecdote: put it together in the computer lab. Screwdriver," he held out his hand to Sidney and she replaced his precious tool. He began to smear the paste onto the end of it. "Call over your minions, Walt."

Lacie whistled and the brilliant steeds came galloping their direction. They walked when they came closer, and lined up perfectly in front of the doctor. "Anecdote!" he sang, buzzing one of he creatures down to its natural size. "Anecdote!" Another.

Lacie sighed. "They're so pretty. Can I have one?"

Sidney and Kristin laughed, having heard this before. Watching Harry Potter or Avatar, or some other movie with funny looking creatures, Lacie would always ask her mother, who hated animals, if she could have one as a pet. Her mother would roll her eyes and calmly say yes. The only time she actually did allow her to keep a bizarre animal was when she literally did get a hippopotamus for Christmas once. Lacie's still not sure how long it'll last.

But the doctor didn't laugh. "Hm, let's see…" he pointed at a single Eleck and said, "Anecdote, anecdote, anecdote, anecdote" until the little thing could fit in the palm of her hand.

"Aw sweet!" she cried, holding out her prize to her friends. The Eleck began to impulsively lick her hand.

The doctor applied the anecdote to his own finger, and wiggled it in front of himself for a minute. Lacie and Sidney exchanged a look. "That's better," he said, cleaning off his screwdriver. "Right then, back to the TARDIS, now."

Helping each other up, they stood and watched for a moment as the Eleck began to graze serenely on the un-hexed grass. It was easier now to notice Ook was such a pretty planet. The four turned and began their journey back to the TARDIS.

"I vote Atlantis next," Kristin announced.

"I'm for Pandora," said Sidney.

"Pluto all the way," Lacie claimed.

"I'm up for a nap," yawned, the doctor.