1. Prologue

It will be as if I'd never existed.

I lay for hours, my mind too numb to think. My eyes were too blurred for me to see, my ears could not pick up any tiny hint of sound. It was as if I were underwater, deep, deep underwater, too far down to resurface. The oxygen I had taken before being pulled down by the current was too little to save me and I did not wish it to be. I was so still, hardly even blinking. My warm skin could feel the cool, smooth wooden floor as I lay motionless, still, too still. My arm did not twitch, I did not move to reposition myself… comfort didn't seem necessary anymore. Nothing seemed necessary anymore.

I longed for unconsciousness to save me from this feeling… this utter desolation. I knew I was in shock, I was rational enough to know that soon the numbness would fade and pain would instead wrack my frail body until it tore me apart. I blinked once, the wetness in my eyes spilling over now, I felt the salty tang as it slipped down my face resting carefully on my lips. The first shaky breath wasn't so painful, it stung my lungs as if I hadn't took a breath in years rather than seconds, but it was a dull pain, a pain that had not been fully realised by my stunned mind. The second breath did not sting, it burned and the swell of tears finally unleashed themselves on me. My heart began to ache as the realisation fully dawned on me.

Edward was gone. I flinched unconsciously at his name, instead of the warm pleasantness it had once brought with it, now there was only unbearably agony. My stomach was filled with knots, twisting relentlessly as my breathing became erratic, uncontrollable. I would not live through this, it could not be possible for any human to feel such… such undeniable, unequivocal, absolute anguish… torture. He wasn't going to come back, that he had promised. The rejection bruised every part of my tender flesh, knocking the breath from me as though I had been punched, hard, in the gut. This was not the most excruciating part of all of this, no, what hurt the most was knowing I would never lay eyes on his beautiful face again. That I could no longer stare into his liquid topaz eyes. That I would never again feel his cold, hard fingers brush softly across my face… The pain at these revelations was too great to bear, my mind could no longer stand the burning aguish consuming it, and so my earlier wish was granted. Unconsciousness embraced me in its dark arms, bringing me no peace.

His breath smelt so sweet as he leaned in close to my face, his eyes smouldering with the desire I knew was mirrored in my own chocolate brown ones. His cold fingers ghosted over my warm cheek, a small smile creeping onto the edge of his lips, he was amused, probably by my body's reaction.

I leaned eagerly into his cool touch, my lips parting slightly as I stared, dazzled into his eyes. My heart sped twice its normal pulse, my breathing quick to match this new erratic pace.

"Bella," he sighed. "I…"

I watched confused as anguish marred his flawless face as he fought an inward battle with himself.

"Yes?" I was eager to learn his thoughts, the thoughts that were causing him pain.

"It's nothing." Edward whispered softly, his eyes told me another story.

"Okay." I nodded slightly then, deciding to drop it.

His strong arms wrapped carefully around my waist, his face coming down slowly to rest in my hair. I heard him take a deep breath, knowing being this close to me, smelling me like this… it must be hurting him.

"I love you," I breathed almost inaudible. "Forever." I let my eyes slip closed, feeling safe and content in his arms.

When I opened them again Edward was nowhere to be seen. I was standing alone in our meadow. It was twilight, the very last of the suns rays slowly disappearing under the horizon. A cold breeze sent shivers down my exposed arms, I hugged myself tightly, trying to keep the heat in my body just a little bit longer. My lips quivered as I stared around myself. There was an eerie silence I had never before experienced, shouldn't I be hearing the sound of the nearby river? I wiggled my toes realising I was barefoot for the first time.

"Edward?" I called out to him. Where had he gone?

Suddenly I felt two black eyes on my back, I whirled around quickly almost loosing my balance. I could see him now, standing just beyond the trees watching me with a dead calm.

"What are you doing?"

He did not answer and panic began to flood my system. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. Why was he watching me from within the trees with that strange expression on his face? I couldn't understand it.

Then he turned his back to me slowly, deliberately, his eyes still locked with mine. He smiled then, not the soft gentle one I had grown accustomed to, not even one of humour. No, it was sick, twisted, wrong. Surly this couldn't be Edward.

"Edward?" I called after him again. He was running now and so was I.

"Wait," I screamed, trying desperately to keep up. "Don't leave me here!"

It was too late, he was miles ahead of me now, running effortlessly, faster than any other creature on the planet. Where had he gone? Darkness had already descended and I was startled at just how dark it was. No moonlight was permitted to penetrate the thick tree's which surrounded me, closing me in, trapping me. All too quickly, the panic and fear stopped me in my tracks. I was rooted to the spot, to afraid to even breathe. My lungs protested but to no avail. I was suffocating and I could do nothing to stop it…

I woke panting, my skin slick with sweat, tangled in a mess of sheets. I blinked back the tears the agony of what had just happened tearing me to pieces, it had only been a dream, I knew that but what had happened before the dream had been real. The pain multiplied sevenfold instantly. It took me a moment to realise Charlie was standing over me now, an expression of pain and worry deeply etched into his face.

"Bella honey, it was just a nightmare." He soothed, stroking my hair.

"No," I shook my head, fresh tears spilling down my cheeks. "He left me." My voice cracked and broke, my heart breaking into a million tiny pieces that could never be put back together again.

"Bella…" His voice was thick with anguish, Charlie never had been good at the emotional stuff.

"He left me…" The sobs escaped from me before I had a chance to hold them back. I shook violently, it felt like every bone in my body were about to break.

"Shh, Bella… it's going to be okay." Charlie didn't hesitate to take me into his arms, holding me tightly almost as if he were too afraid to let go.

I appreciated this, I knew it was hard for him to show how he was feeling, I was the same but this kind of pain… I couldn't hide the desolation it brought me.

It felt like I had sobbed for an eternity, surly it wasn't possible for me to shed any more tears? The pain did not get any better as the hours passed, it had begun to get much worse. I felt so alone, so empty. He was gone and I was left all alone, without him. He didn't want me. A fresh wave of agony swept over me as I let the thought occur to me. Edward had always been far too good for me, how could he even see me within the beauty that surrounded him? He didn't. He didn't see me at all. Where was he now? Had be already found someone more worthy of his love? This thought tore me apart, I could almost hear the rip as everything inside me came away. Just thinking hurt me beyond repair… but how could I not think?

It was dark now, the sobbing had stopped, my eyes closed, unable to resist the heavy pressure forcing them down. Charlie had left a sandwich and a glass of water on the bedside table, he was probably sleeping by now. I could not. I wouldn't allow myself to see his face in my dream, to feel him hold me, just to have it torn from my grasp. I wasn't strong enough to survive this… I wish I had died in the forest. I wish I hadn't been born. I wish Edward Cullen was here in my room holding me as the fresh sobs began to take their hold on me.

I was barely aware of the sun rising, bringing a new day with it. I hardly even noticed when Charlie removed the untouched sandwich replacing it was some toast and butter. My face and pillow were wet with the salty tears that refused to stay at bay, my eyes stung horribly from the excessive crying and from the sleep I deprived them of. Mostly I think they stung from not seeing his face. From not being able to stare wistfully into his ever changing eyes. The hole inside me grew so wide I thought it would swallow me whole… I wanted it to.

The week's passed, day turning to night and then back again without so much as a glance from me. I did not care about time. I didn't care about food or water or air. The only thing I could bring myself to care about was the one person who could not bring himself to care about me, who didn't want me. Again, the pain washed over me stronger than ever before. It was getting worse…

He knocked softly before coming in, his eyes conveying the desperateness he was feeling. He glanced quickly at the barely touched pasta he had left me hours earlier, in any other circumstances I would have been proud of him for his cooking abilities. I watched vaguely as he weighed his words carefully.

"Bella, sweetheart… I know this is hard for you but… this is hard for me too. I can't bear to see you like this anymore," His voice broke then and I felt a wave of guilt at how much I was hurting him. "Please, try to get through this, for me."

His words triggered something deep within me then. Probably what little humanity I had left in me after the weeks of pain and anguish took their toll erasing everything I was. I felt like I had nothing left, didn't know if I had it in me to try for Charlie, for Renée, but the look on his face told me I had to try. Just to try.

I nodded then, trying and failing to smile for my father.

"I'll try dad. I promise."

This seemed to ease some of the weight from his shoulders. He leaned down to kiss my forehead. His eyes brightening a little.

"That's all I ask."

Later that night when Charlie was sound in bed and I tried desperately to hold the pain at bay I knew what I had to do. If I really wanted to try, I had to keep the pain away, as much as possible. My life was over, a life without Edward was not a life at all. He had come into my life, had shown me what happiness was and when he had left he took every single part of me with him. I had nothing but this shell left. I couldn't promise Charlie I would try to live, because living was no longer possible. I would try to exist for him, to muddle through things, act normally so as not to upset him but only to exist. It was all I was capable of now, all I had to give.