Football season was always Edward's favorite time of year at Spoons High School.
Not
because of the sport, he HATED football.
It was the time of year
that Emmett would put on tights and run his cute little ass around
the field tackling the shit out of other guys.
It was so hot.
Mostly Edward would sit in the bleachers (dazzlingly, of
course) and watch him practice, imagining what it would be like to be
slammed by the big, hulking mass that was his big brother.
And
every time his team made a goal (or was it a score? A basket?) he
would stand up and cheer dazzlingly for his sexy and talented big
brother!
But Emmett never heard him.
Even if he did, he
wouldn't acknowledge him.
He'd just smile with his perfect
mouth and teeth at the gaggle of blond cheerleaders who shook their
breast-implants at him and flashed him their stupid lace
panties.
'Effing whores,' he pouted to himself as he
dazzlingly drew all the things he wanted Emmett to do to him on his
shiny new Volvo on his math homework.
He was a dazzling 50 million
years old anyway.
Who cares what the square root of t-lnmq to the
765465th power is??
The only math he cared about was Emmett, minus
the clothes, plus the bed, dividing his legs, and multiplying
dazzlingly.
But at least he got to sniff Emmett's underwear
whenever he changed.
It was a small, small consolation.
But at
least it was something.
"EdWUURRRRRDD!!! There you are!! I've been looking EVERYWHERE for you!!!"
"Oh, gods!!"
Edward screamed dazzlingly, and dove underneath the bleachers.
But
it was too late.
Bella's Edward senses had tracked him, and
could find him anywhere.
'One of these days,' he thought. 'I'm going to try hiding in the deepest, darkest part of the ocean.'
"I wrote a poem for you!!! It says just how I feel about you!!!" Her eyes sparkled and glittered staring upon his beautiful and dazzling face.
"Unlike the last 30,000 poems you wrote for me?" He stood up and dusted off his pants dazzlingly as the brown-haired chick danced around in front of him. "Exciting."
"OMG EDWURD YOU'RE SO HAWT AND DAZZLING WHEN YOU DUST OFF YOUR PANTS LIKE THAT!!! HAVE MY BABIES!!" Bella threw herself around his waist and clung tightly to him.
"Uh, I don't think it works that way!" He desperately tried to pry her off. But even with all his dazzling vampire strength, she failed to relinquish her fangirl hold.
"YEAH! Way to go, lil' bro!!" Emmett shouted from the 50-yard-line to him. "Gettin' some head in the bleachers!! Just like your big bro!! Woohoo!!"
'NOO! Now my sex bunny thinks I'm straight!!' Inner Edward emo-ed. 'What am I going to do now?!'
"GET OFF ME!!" Edward squirmed dazzlingly. "How many times do I have to tell you that I HATE vaginas?! Especially YOURS!"
"But but but but!!!" she pouted, her lower lip extended. "I have the best blood ever!!! YOU CANNOT RESIST ME!!!"
"GO AWAY YOU STUPID STUPID HUMAN!" Edward finally got out of her hold. "AND STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!"
And using his super duper dazzling inhuman speed, he was gone.
"Rats!
Foiled again! Time to consult the manual…"
And Bella opened
her book 'How to Make Your Man Love You!' by Yamanaka
Ino.
"Hmmm…it says here that if your man insults you and keeps running away from you, that he is just playing hard to get. Keep your intentions straight and pure and to the point and follow him to the ends of the earth! He will eventually give in and love you forever!"
"Yes! Now I know what I must do!!"
"Bella!" A scruffy but ruggedly handsome boy ran up to her and held out a bouquet of flowers. "If you go to prom with me, I will promise to love you forever and always be by your side to protect you no matter what! I'll keep a steady job, won't do drugs or alcohol, and always love our kids!! And I'll never say that I don't love you OR your vagina!!"
"EW! DOG GERMS!" Bella punched away poor Jacob. "GO AWAY! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M HUNTING DOWN MY ONE TRUE LOVE? GO HUMP A FIRE HYDRANT CUZ I'LL NEVER LOVE YOU!!!"
And she stomped away to go practice making out with a statue and left poor Jacob standing all alone on the bleachers.
---o---o---o---o---
"Wow! All that practice sure does make me thirsty for some animal blood!" Emmett said as he popped open his favorite can of Zebra blood and guzzled it down.
"Maybe you should go take a nice, hot shower." Edward suggested dazzlingly, trying to look indifferent. "That would refresh you."
"Sweet!" Emmett exclaimed and crushed the can against his head. "Yeah! I love showers! Especially ones with Rosalie being naked with her boobs and stuff!! Where is she anyway?"
"I don't know." Edward answered dazzlingly. "She's certainly not on a rocket ship headed toward the sun. But who cares about that dumb blond anyway, right?"
"She's my wife."
"Psh. Wife, schmife. You're going to spend the rest of your life with her. But how long has it been since you've had any bonding time with your little brother, huh? *sniff* I really miss you! *sniff sniff* I feel like we're drifting apart!"
Edward's eyes got all teary and sparkly and he stuck his lower lip out in the most perfect (and dazzling) pout.
'Aw, man! I hate it when he makes that face! I can never resist that adorable pout!' Emmett thought, as he watched his baby brother .
"Well, I guess it has been awhile…"
"Great! I'll go get the shower started!" Edward zipped quickly (and dazzlingly) upstairs.
---o---o---o---o---
"Um…" Emmett said as he walked into the bathroom with a towel around his waist. "What's going on?"
"Why, I don't know what you mean big brother…" Edward purred as he lounged dazzlingly in the bathtub, batting his eyelashes and putting a finger to his lips in a gesture of innocence.
"I mean, what's with the bubbles, the champagne, the Barry White music, the candles, the box of fruity tongue condoms…"
"Oh, those?" Edward giggled dazzlingly. "I always bathe with those. It makes my bath so much more relaxing. Now…aren't you going to take off your towel and join me or am I going to have to drink all of this champagne by myself?"
"But, we're vampires. How can you drink champagne?"
"I slaughtered the members of your rival team and mixed their blood with it. Just the way you like it!"
"Sweet! I LOVE drinking the blood of my enemies! It's so manly and tough and NOT gay!!"
"I know. That's why I did it for you…" he stuck his dazzling feet out of the tub and crossed his legs. "C'mon. The water's still warm…"
"Yes! That would be the manly thing to do!" and when Emmett let his towel fall to the floor, Edward got a glimpse of the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen in his life.
And he KNEW that tonight would be the night all of his wildest dreams would come true.
---o---o---o---o---
A half an hour later, Emmett
was smashed with his arms wrapped around his shoulders and
crying.
Not what exactly what Edward expected, but you have to
take the good with the bad, he dazzlingly supposed.
"And
Rosalie NEVER wants to do take it up the ass! She's always like
"OMG EMMETT that's so gay!!" But I said "I'm not gay! I'm
doing you, aren't I?!" and she said "Well maybe you think I
look like a guy!"
and I said "Well maybe you only sleep with
me because I look like a girl!" and she said "Well maybe I do!"
and I said "Well maybe I do too!!""
Edward gasped dazzlingly. "The BITCH! You are the manliest man ever! Hasn't she seen your cock?!"
"No!" He cried. "She always wants to do it in the dark!"
"The scandal!" Edward cried. "Well, I TOLD you she would be this way, big brother. But you NEVER listen to your adorable and sexy little brother, now do you?"
"I'm so sorry, Eddy! I'll never not listen to your words again!"
Ed almost melted. 'He hasn't called me Eddy in forever! I must seize this opportunity!'
"There there, Mr. Manly. Why don't you let just sit back and let Eddy make it all better?" He started to massage his older brother's masculine shoulders.
"Mm.
That feels so good, Eddy."
Inner Edward smiled extremely pleased
with himself.
"Oh, you like that? How about I go a little lower…"
And as he did so, Emmett moaned and slackened his front side against the side of the tub.
"Where did you learn to do this?"
"Oh, here and there." He mused, dazzlingly. "Lower?"
"Yes, please!"
And Edward continued his journey lower and lower, until he finally reached Emmett's taut ass.
His dream come true!
Inner Edward nearly had an orgasm. 'Keep it together, Ed. We can't lose it now...'
"Y'know what, Eddy? I don't think Rosalie loves me anymore…"
"Who knows with women? You really can't trust their emotions, y'know."
"Yeah, I know. That's what I like about hanging out with the guys. They're…guys, y'know?"
"Oh, yes. Believe me, I know."
"Eddy?"
"Yes, Emmett?"
"You love me, right?…"
"More than anything in the world, Emmett." Edward answered sweetly.
"Aw, that…that's nice. That makes me feel really good. Thanks, little brother. I think…I think that I'm going to divorce Rosalie…"
"You should! Just divorce her bitch-ass and kick her to the curb. Then we can share a room like we used to!"
"I'd like that. And then we can stay up dancing to Ricky Martin all night like we used to."
'Dancing all night without clothes and under the sheets, maybe…' Inner Edward gleamed devilishly.
"Wow, Emmett. You're ass is really, really tense. I think that I should work the knots out of it…"
"Go ahead…" he mused sleepily.
'JESUS TITTY-FUCKING CHRIST!!! HELL YES!!!' Inner Edward threw a party.
And it was the most beautiful and softest thing Edward
had ever touched in his billions of dazzling years on earth.
And
god, he was SO SICK of being a virgin.
He just wanted to reach
down and lick Emmett's ass, inside and out, until the end of
time.
'Mmm…' Emmett moaned.
'Ahhh…' Edward
responded weakly, in complete awe of the ass.
His hands
continued to move down onto Emmett's strong, sexy thighs, working
and kneading the imaginary knots out of them.
Massaging down to
his knees, then his hands began to work on the inside of Emmett's
thighs, closer and closer to his prize.
"Ahh…Eddy? Where are you're hands going now?" he asked, almost sounding amused.
"I told you. I'm just working out our tenseness in your muscles."
"If you keep working your hands north, I'm going to have a certain muscle that will be tenser than all hell."
"Well, it will be my job to work the tenseness out then, right?" Edward couldn't stop the dazzling grin that spread from ear to ear on his face.
"I guess so…"
'Oh, god please let me touch it just once and I swear to you I won't kill anymore humans!!'
"EDWUUUUURRRDDD!!!"
"Except for THAT one…" he muttered, dazzlingly. "ALICE!!! Go intercept that brown-headed hussy until I'm finished giving Emmett a hand-j…I mean taking a bath!!"
And Edward continued to let his hand fall dazzlingly between Emmett's legs and grasp onto the wonderful and huge length that was Emmett's cock.
'Dear Gods, I have to have him inside me NOW!' Inner Edward groaned, but before he could put the dazzling moves on his drunken brother, Emmett had passed out.
Freaking perfect.
---o---o---o---o---
So Edward sat in the back of the classroom, once again doodling in his notebook all the naughty things he wanted Emmett to do to him, desperately trying to ignore the pieces of paper that were being thrown at him.
"Edwurd!!" she hissed while the teacher's back was turned. "Edwurrrddd! Here! Read mah poem!!" and a large chunk of paper was thrown at him.
"Bitch!" Edward muttered, kicking the paper ball underneath his desk.
"Edwurrrd!! Eeeedwuuurd!!! Psssstt!!! Edwuuuurdd!!!"
'OMG shut up please! You're interrupting my thoughts of Emmett violating me!'
"Edwuuuuurrrrdd!!!"
His eyes glanced over in her direction as she held up a sign on her notebook that said.
'LOVE YOU!'
Edward quickly scribbled a note back to her. 'RESTRAINING ORDER'
And Jacob was outside the
window next to her, holding up a sign that said 'NOTICE ME!'
But
of course she didn't see him because her eyes were glued to the
ever-dazzling vampire at the back of the classroom.
In the lunchroom, Edward found a note in his dazzling food that said 'Nothing can stop our love!'
"Oh, for god's sake! Why won't she just leave me alone?"
"Just fuck her and be done with it." Jasper muttered as he watched Alice twirl and dance on the table like a pixie.
"HELL NO. I'd rather have dazzling sex with an electrical outlet filled with razorblades and alcohol."
"Aw, c'mon little brother! Cheer up! Everyone finds true love sometime! You can't be alone forever, y'know!" Emmett piped up cheerfully, hugging a charred and bald Rosalie.
Suddenly, Edward heard Bella's not-so-dazzling voice ring out across the lunchroom.
"DID U EVER KNOW THAT UR MY
HEEEEROOOO
AND YOURE EVERYTHING I WOULD LIKE TO BEEEE"
"Dear merciful god," Edward choked dazzlingly. "Why do you continue let her live, WHY?!" he hung his head in shame.
"Awwww! How CUTE!!!" Rosalie piped. "I LOVE this SONG!"
"You know what I like?!" Edward fumed, standing up. "NOT VAGINAS." And he stormed out.
"Bella!!" Jacob cried, falling down at her feet. "I wrote you a song! You wanna hear it?!"
"EDWURRRD!" Bella cried. "COME BACK AND RECEIVE MY LOVE!!" and she stomped on Jacob's head on the way out.
---o---o---o---o---
"Eeeedwuuuurd…"Bella sang in her annoying sing-song voice. "Guess what's happening this weekend…"
"A comet is going to strike the earth and kill you?" Edward tried so dazzlingly hard to focus on his notebook/ watching Emmett's ass run around in tights.
"Psh! No, silly! PROM of course!" and she snorted/laughed.
"Yeah, because social gatherings work out SO WELL for vampires…"
"So, I was thinking…"
"You have to quit doing that."
"...That maybe, you should take me seeingashowI'myourtrueloveandeverything."
"What?" Edward looked at her dazzlingly as if she had five heads. She just smiled undazzlingly and batted her weird eyes at him.
"Sorry, but you have too many vaginas. Please go away now."
"Butbutbutbutbut you HAVE to be my boyfriend! I'm the pretty emo and distressed smart girl with the blood type you crave!!! You HAVE to love meee!"
"Yeah, just as soon as Donald Trump takes a part-time job parking cars."
"…what?"
"Exactly." Edward picked his stuff up and moved to the other bleachers, leaving Bella and her big smart human brain to figure out what he just said.
'So, prom, huh? Perfect! Emmett ALWAYS takes Rosalie to the prom and THAT will be my chance to prove my love to him!'
---o---o---o---o---
PROM NIGHT
Edward
didn't just look dazzling in his tux.
He was SUPER DAZZLING.
So
of course, all the girls were going to be fawning over him.
But he
ignored them because he only had eyes for his beloved Emmett.
Who,
of course, was twirling Rosalie around like he actually loved
her.
"You don't deserve him!" Edward growled underneath his breath.
"HIIII EDWURRRDDD!!! Let's dance!!! Dad says he wants me to be home by 10 so we have to hurry if we're going to have sex and stuff!!
Edward took a few steps to the opposite direction of Bella, but she just followed him.
"Argh! WHY do you INSIST on FOLLOWING ME?!"
"Because that's what true loves do Edwurd!!!"
"Oh, my god you seriously need to get laid." Edward pinched his eyes.
"THEN WE AGREE!! HURRY LETS GO!!! I HAVE CONDOMS IN MY TRUCK!!" she yanked on his arm, but he pulled it back, maybe a little too hard.
The force of his arm pulling back threw her against the wall of the auditorium and knocked her unconscious.
"My god…" he looked at his arm. "Why didn't I think of that sooner?"
"You BASTARD!" Jacob shouted from across the room. "I'LL KILL YOU FOR HURTING MY PRECIOUS BELLA SWANN!!"
"And it just keeps getting better and better…"
Edward ducked down underneath a table to try and avoid the chaos, futilely of course. It WAS a werewolf that was after him.
Within minutes, the table he was under got knocked over.
"JUST AS I EXPECTED…"Jacob screamed.
"PLEASE! Do you have to yell? I'm right here…"
Jacob cleared his throat. "Just as I expected from a cowardly thing like you!"
"Much better."
"Thank you." Jacob then, lifted Edward up by the shirt.
"Now you shall pay for harming my beautiful Bella blossom!"
"Dude, you're almost creepier than she is!"
Jacob lifted his fist to punch Edward in the face, but, before Jacob could land a punch to Edward's perfect and dazzling face, he was stopped.
"LET GO OF MY BROTHER, HEATHEN!"
And
then there was a dazzling blur before Edward was set back down on his
feet. He looked over and saw Jacob laying on the other side of the
auditorium, his body leaving and imprint buried in the brick
wall.
"Emmett!" he exclaimed, dazzlingly, throwing himself at his hunk of hero.
"Are you all right, Edward?" Emmett asked, trying not to let his face show too much concern.
"I
am now…," he said slyly, dazzlingly leaning against Emmett's
chest.
Emmett cleared his throat and patted Edward on the
back.
"It was nothing, little brother…"
"How can I ever repay you?"
"It was nothing! We're family! It's what we do!"
'It's now or never!' Inner Edward cried. 'I've got to let Emmett know of my true feelings!'
"No, please! I insist…" and, without thinking, leaned up and gave Emmett a passionate kiss on his lips.
And everyone and everything froze.
Except for
Rosalie.
She fainted, causing her wig to fall off.
But
Edward was dazzlingly happier than he'd ever been in his life.
When
he pulled away, he looked up at Emmett's face.
He was bright red
and speechless.
Edward looked up at him, dazzlingly.
"Big brother?"
And suddenly, Emmett pushed Edward away.
"What was THAT?" he wiped his lips.
Edward's eyes got teary.
"My gratitude, big brother…" Edward simpered dazzlingly.
"Well you can keep your gratitude, you little fag! I don't want any of it! Didn't I tell you that I'm married?"
"But…but…B-b..."
"You're NOT my brother anymore! I don't ever want to see you again! C'mon Rosalie! We're leaving."
And everyone watched the scene in horror, except for Bella and Jacob who were unconscious.
Their eyes turned to Edward, but he was long gone.
---o---o---o---o---
Edward sat, all alone in the countryside, watching the moon because he was unable to sleep.
It
had been nearly 5 months since the incident at the Spoons High Prom.
It wasn't long after that that he bought a plane ticket and left
the country to go to some third-world country and go on a killing
spree to release all of his pent-up frustration.
He then moved to
France, dazzlingly killed some higher-up, and took his house and
belongings as his own. No one questioned him about it because
apparently no one liked that guy anyway.
But the guy had a shiny,
new Volvo and Edward was happy.
A little.
'How could Emmett do that to me?' he angsted dazzlingly. 'I thought we had something special. That bastard! I hope he enjoys the rest of his life in his unhappy, unsatisfying marriage!'
"Monsieur Cullen?" the made called from the doorway. "There is a tiny dancing woman here to see you."
Edward sighed dazzlingly.
"All right. I'll be down."
Once he
was downstairs, he saw that it was Alice.
So, as to not seem
awkward to his staff, he played the piano so that it kinda looked
like she was not dancing randomly.
"Edward, you have to come back to Spoons." Alice said.
"No. I'm never going back! Not after I suffered that horrid embarrassment…"
"Oh, quit being a pussy. Emmett is miserable without you."
"Miserably happy, you mean."
"No, no I'm not kidding. Emmett and Rosalie had a falling out and he wanted a divorce, so she went and ran off with Bella's dad."
"What the…?"
"Yeah, I know. But needless to say, Emmett's been miserable and you were the only one that could pull him out of his funk."
"Who cares about that prick?" Edward slammed his hands down on the piano. "He humiliated me right there in front of god and everybody. Why should I do anything for him?"
"Because you still love him."
"Get bent." Edward muttered before turning the page of his music and continued the song.
"Please. It was soo obvious."
"Well he hates me now so it doesn't matter…"
"Of course it matters!"
"No! He'll never love me back! Ever! He doesn't even want me as his brother." He emo-ed dazzlingly. "I'll never go back."
"Bella's gone, you know."
He stopped playing.
"Really?"
"Yeah. She was so sad without you that she jumped off a cliff."
"SERIOUSLY!? FINALLY!!"
Alice
smiled.
Edward continued playing.
"But that's still not enough to get me to go back."
"And I had a vision of Emmett's killing himself, too."
The playing stopped.
"Let's go."
And Edward grabbed Alice by her wrist and immediately took off dazzlingly to the airport in his shiny new Volvo.
---o---o---o---o---
MEANWHILE, BACK IN SPOONS…
"Goodbye, cruel world!"
"Emmett! You dumbass! Jumping off of a cliff won't kill you, y'know!!" Jasper grabbed onto Emmet's legs, desperately trying to keep him from jumping. "You're a VAMPIRE, for Christ's sake..."
"OH! MY POOR HEART! I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR…"
"What about your team?"
"GASP! MY TEAM? THERE IS NO TEAM!! THE ONLY TEAM I HAVE NO IS ANGST, EMO, AND SELF-HATRED! OH, CRUEL FATE!"
"Jesus, try out for drama in your next lifetime, Emmett!"
Weep. Moan.
"God…where are you Alice?"
"FEAR NOT, MY DEAR JASPER!" came an all to familiar, yet dazzling voice. "THE PRODIGAL SON HAS RETURNED!"
"Fina-frickin-ly! Carlisle is ready to beat your stupid ass into next week for running off!" he let go of Emmett's legs and walked over to his dancing girlfriend.
"Y'know, we almost got kicked off of the plane because she wouldn't sit down AT ALL." Edward complained dazzlingly.
"Welcome to my world." Jasper muttered, dragging Alice along with him.
"Emmett! What do you think you're doing, standing here on the cliff?"
Emmett turned around dramatically and pointed a finger at Edward.
"You! I thought I told you to never come back here!"
"You're about to kill yourself! I HAD to!" he dazzlingly said as he took a step toward him.
"What does it matter to you? Did you want to fuck me before I offed myself?!"
'Lie! Lie, dammit! Lie your ass off!'
"No, of course not! I came back because you were my brother!"
"LIES!!!" Emmett took a step toward the cliff.
"Um, Emmett? You realize that that WON'T kill you, right?"
"WHAT DO YOU CARE!? MY LIFE IS OVER!!"
"No it isn't!!"
"IS TOO!!"
"IS NOT!"
"IS TOO!"
"IS NOT!"
"IS TOO!"
"IS NOT!"
"IS TOO!"
"Dammit, Emmett!"
'Heh, I've been
sitting on that one forever!' Inner Edward laughed.
"Come
to your senses, man! You can't just die like this! You have plenty
left to live for!"
"OH YEAH?! LIKE WHAT?"
"I…I…I'M PREGNANT!"
Emmett gasped, and took a step back in
astonishment.
Edward stood there, trying to look as dazzling and
serious as possible.
"Y-you mean, you got Bella pregnant?"
"NO! I mean that she…had a penis…and I…have some weird…female things and I…IT JUST HAPPENED, OKAY! NOW ARE YOU GOING TO DIE BEFORE YOU GET TO SEE YOUR GRANDCHILD?!"
"You mean nephew or niece?"
"YES! NEPHEW OR NEICE!"
Emmett just stood there in stunned silence, before running up to Edward and hugged him.
"Oh, Edward! Why didn't you just TELL me what was going on with you?! It was your fluctuating hormones that made you kiss me! I completely thought that you were gay or something!"
"Emmett, I have a confession to make. I...am gay!"
"GASP!"
"But please! Don't leave me!" he brought on the dazzling tears. "I need you! How will a gay, pregnant vampire ever make it in this world without his lover...I mean, big brother?"
Emmett didn't know what it was.
Maybe
it was divorcing Rosalie.
Maybe it was being groped in the
bathtub.
Maybe it was the sparkling and dazzling look in Edward's
eyes.
But he just had to confess too.
"EDDY! I HAVE A CONFESSION FOR YOU TOO! I…"
"Yes?!"
"I…I'M GAY TOO!!"
"OMG, EMMETT!!! I LOVE YOU!!"
"I LOVE YOU TOO, BABY BROTHER!!!"
And the most beautiful moment
in the history of anything happened right there on the cliff.
The
most wonderful, perfect and lovingly dazzling make-out session in
Edward's life.
There were tongues in throats and groping hands
and dazzling hair being blown about by the wind.
And Jasper was totally putting this moment on YouTube.
Suddenly, Bella's ghost popped up from her watery grave.
"EDDWUURRD!! YOU CAME BACK FOR ME…GASP!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING SO DAZZLINGLY KISSING YOUR BROTHER?!"
"Oh, shut up wench and go be in one of E-vay's mary sue fanfictions!!"
"NOOOO!!!" Bella screamed as she floated off into the distance and disappeared into the land of Mary Sues and Dub Naruto.
And he proceeded to have his face sucked off by his older brother, who then took him to his shiny new Volvo and f*cked Edward's brains out.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Fin
