Harry Potter and the Posterior of Cartman

By Starrysummer

South Park, Colorado, is a very dreary place in the summer, indeed.  Whereas usually the children's favorite activities including insulting each other and hitting each other with ice and snow, this July, as every July before and after it, the children were reduced to insulting each other as their sole means of entertainment.

This day was no different.  Kyle Broflovski, Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick and Eric Cartman stood in front of the bus stop, because they had nowhere else to stand.

"Your ass is so fat," Kyle began, "that when you walk down the street, people go godDAMN, that's a fat fat ass."

"Shut up, you greedy Jew," the kid with the fat ass replied.

"No, you shut up, lard-butt," Stan replied.

Kenny, because he was poor and had no other clothes, was still wearing his orange parka in July, even though it covered his entire face, preventing him from being able to speak.  Well, he still spoke, but it was very hard to understand.

"Mmm fmmm asdfojkkladremmm," came the voice from within the parka.

The other three boys burst out laughing.

Cartman was seething, and about to come up with something equally offensive in reply, when suddenly, he was hit on the head with owl poop.  "Motherf*****," he shouted, throwing his defecation-covered hat behind him.

Just as the other three boys were about to start making fun of Cartman's hair, they looked up to realize the sky above them was positively swarming with owls.  Brown owls, white owls, black owls, all sorts of owls, and they appeared to be holding letters in their beaks.

"What the f***?" shouted Cartman.

"Dude, there is no WAY this is the most fucked up things we've seen," Kyle reminded him.

"Oh, yeah," said Cartman.

"Dude," interjected Stan, "that does not stop this from being seriously f***ed up."

"Rhfdaspojvclkjaf."  The four boys burst out laughing as an owl swooped into each boy's hand, depositing a letter.

Cartman looked at his.

Eric Cartman

The Bus Stop

South Park, Colorado

United States

Each of the boys' letters was similarly addressed.  They thought it strange, but not all that strange compared to giant Trapper Keepers that took over the world and corporate underpants gnomes, so they opened the envelopes and began to read the parchment enclosed.

Congratulations!  You have been accepted for attendance at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  Enclosed you will find a list of school supplies.  Term begins on the first of September.  We expect your reply by the fifteenth of August.

Yours,

Minerva McGonagall

Deputy Headmistress

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

The attached list indeed included a list of supplies, but those were none of the supplies the boys had ever needed for Mr. Garrison's class (though he had shown them several interesting uses of wands and rats).

"All right, whose idea of a joke was this," shouted Cartman.

Nobody responded.

"Motherf*****," Cartman repeated, out of sheer frustration, stamping his foot on the ground.  As he brought his big, fat foot onto the soft summer earth, he noticed a cat beside it.  "Hey, kitty," Cartman began cooing.  When the cat ignored him, his voice turned harsher.  "Goddammit kitty!"

Suddenly, the kitty began to walk upright and turned into a woman.  She wore robes, rather than the clothes the boys were accustomed to seeing adults wear, and had her hair pulled back in a very severe bun.  Most shocking to the boys, however, was the fact that she was not made of construction paper cutouts.

"Hello, boys," the woman said.  The boys just stood at her, transfixed by her appearance.

Just then, Chef drove by, which was very fortunate for the boys depended on Chef to explain everything they didn't understand.  Which, between the boys being young and naïve and the many strange things which happened in South Park, Colorado, was quite a lot.

Chef was a large, black man with a deep voice and a white chef's hat.  Hence the name Chef.  Well, actually, the name Chef was due to the fact that he worked as a chef in the school's cafeteria.  And the fact that his name actually was Chef.

Anyway… Chef immediately stopped the car when he saw the four boys… and the woman standing beside them.  The brakes screeched as his car came to a halt.

"Baby, I ain't see you around here before."

The woman looked at him quizzically.

Chef continued, as music broke out in the background.

"No, I haven't seen you round here before

But I'd like to get to know you some more

And more and more

So please get into the backseat of my car

And we can go really far

Really far"

As he was about to break into his refrain, the woman cleared her throat.  "Excuse me.  My name is Minerva McGonagall, and I am the Deputy Headmistress—"

"You can deputy my head, mistress, any day," Chef announced.  Kenny laughed.

"I am the deputy headmistress at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  Are you this boy's guardian?"

"Are you asking if I'm their parents?"

"Well, that, or if you're the one responsible for them."

"Compared to everyone else around here, I'm pretty f****** responsible," Chef blurted out.

"Right, then," McGonagall replied.  "I would like your permission, then, for them to attend our school."

"Sounds good to me.  Can't be any worse than what that pervert Garrison is teaching them."

With that, Chef drove around, singing to himself, and McGonagall turned to the boys.

"All right, then," she began, "we're going to need to do some shopping."