Standard Disclaimer: This is all the work of Peter Jackson, the cast and crew of FOTR, and whoever in all that mess of credits wrote the script. If you really thought that this was ours, you have more of a problem than we do and, frankly, we would like to hear from you because that is some feat!! NO infringement is meant, and-what was that about imitation being the sincerest form of flattery? ;-)
All right, now...this is a collaboration between one morpheus kannon and one dolphin (and no, neither are meant to be capitalised!). dolphin actually did most of the work-big surprise there-but morpheus gets to post it because dolphin has plenty of work posted already, and it is my turn! YAY!!!
The Lord Of The Rings: A Ruined Transcript
Galadriel: The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. When I sniff around for my coffee in the morning, I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for everybody that would remember it has croaked. It began with the forging of the Rings of Power. Three were given to the Elves: immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings.
Pippin, from behind the scenes waiting for Lady Looselips to finish talking: *snorts* Not very biased, is she?
Galadriel: *out of the side of her mouth* Hush while I'm talking! *takes a deep breath and continues* Seven were given to the Dwarves, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls.
Legolas, equally behind the scenes: Aw, now you're just sucking up.
Galadriel: *spins around to face the waiting cast members* SHUT UP!! I am TRYING to say my lines, so unless you want ME to interrupt YOU when you're trying to say YOURS, you had better BE QUIET! Rrrr! *huffs, composes herself, and goes on* And nine-nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire power. For within these rings was bound the power and the will to rule each race.
Merry: *sarcastically* Yeah, that would be why they're called Rings of Power!
Aragorn: Really, how many MORE times can you fit the word power into your little speech! Do you just like the sound of it? Oh, I know! That's why you keep Celeborn drugged, because you like to be powerful!!
Galadriel: *innocently* I do no such thing.
Pippin: Oh, sure, he's not drugged! *points to Celeborn, who is currently drifting around drooling over how gorgeous various pebbles and bits of cotton fluff are*
Galadriel: Okay, so he is drugged. But I knew nothing of it! *tries to finish lines again* But they were all of them deceived. Deep in the land of Mordor, the Dark Lord Sauron forged another ring, a Master Ring, and into this Ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life! One Ring to rule them all. One by one, the free peoples of Middle-earth fell to the power-
Aragorn: *annoyed at further use of an already overused word* URRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!
Galadriel: *winces but goes on* Of the Ring-but there were some who resisted. A Last Alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Mordor, and on the slopes of Mount Doom, *starts waving her arms around dramatically, getting into the spirit of her speech* they fought for the freedom of Middle-Earth!
Various Castmembers, still behind the scenes: *snickering behind their hands and pointing* Ahahaha! She's going to take off!
Galadriel: *goes on being dramatic, apparently not noticing the snickers* Victory was near-but the power-
Aragorn: *roars, draws Anduril and starts to leap forward* AHHHRRRRRR!!!
Galadriel: *terrified* AHHHHH!! *gets ready to run*
Gandalf: *wildly* Film, there's FILM still running! Stop him!! *entire rest of Fellowship and most of rest of cast leap after Aragorn and pin him down, tying him up and sedating him*
Galadriel: *sighs in relief* Uh, what were my lines? Oh, yes. The-*whimpers* uh, the You-Know-What of the Ring could not be undone.
Sauron appears on the battlefield, flinging a dozen Men here and there like smelly old socks with each blow of his huge mace.
Galadriel: It was in this moment, when all hope had faded away like colours under bleach, that Isildur, son of the king, took up his father's sword!
Isildur snatches up sword, Sauron stands on it and breaks it with his gigantical weight, but Isildur uses the broken blade to cut off Sauron's fingers, and the Ring with them.
Ring: *taking a good look at Isildur* OH!! HE'S HIDEOUS!!
Galadriel: Sauron, the scariest nemesis since Darth Vader, was defeated.
Aragorn, backstage: Uh, Gally, y'do know that we came first, right? I mean, before Star Wars? So, Sauron actually came before Vader! Right?
Galadriel: UHHH. You are ruining my speech. And I still say Darth Vader is scariest. *continues lines* The Ring passed to Isildur...
Ring: *kicking and screaming* NOOOOO!! Let me go! I can't stand the smell!! And his FACE, ugh, what happened to his FACE!
Galadriel:...who had this one chance to destroy evil forever, but the hearts of Men are easily corrupted. And the Ring of...ahem, You-Know-What...has a will of its own. It betrayed Isildur, to his death.
Isildur is attacked by goblins.
Isildur: AHH! Goblins! Oh, they're so UGLY! Save me, save me! *croaks in the river; Ring is lost in the water*
Ring: Ahh, a nice bath. After being with that stinky old git, I surely need one!
Galadriel: And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend. Legend became myth. Myth became fairy-tales. Fairy-tales became-
Celeborn: *sticking his head into the room during a lucid moment* We get the point already!
Galadriel: Here, take this-*hands him a pill, which he takes and drifts into silent euphoria* For two and a half thousand years, the Ring passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, the Ring's magnificent beauty ensnared another bearer.
Ring: *primps* Come and get meee!
Gollum finds the Ring in the riverbed.
Gollum: My Precious, my own.
Ring: No, I am NOT, you ugly creature! Unhand me, sir! *struggles*
Gollum: My precious-*bonks it really hard and sticks it in his pocket, the whole time managing to look like he loves it*
Galadriel: The Ring came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels under the Misty Mountains...and there, it consumed him.
Ring: *chomp chomp chomp* Mmm, tasty Gollum...
Gollum: It came to me...my own...my love...my precious.
Ring: *sulkily* You wish!
Galadriel: The Ring gave to Gollum unnatural long life. For five hundred years it poisoned his mind, and in the gloom of Gollum's cave it waited. Darkness crept back into the forests of the world. Rumour grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a nameless fear, and the Ring of...uh, You-Know-What...perceived that its time had come. It abandoned Gollum, but then something happened that the Ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable. A hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, of the Shire.
Bilbo: What's this? A ring!
Ring: *looking Bilbo over* Well, he's not as hot as Sauron, but he's far better than the hideous things I've been stuck with so far!
Gollum: Lost! My Precious is lost!
Galadriel: For the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the fortunes of all. *under her breath* Yeah, and they'd better do it right, or else I am gonna hit them soo hard...Oh! Did I say that on camera? Oh, I'm so sorry... *audio fades into intro music with her still babbling*
Note: All italic not indicated as someone speaking is most likely a flashback, as in the parts with Isildur, Gollum, and the battle
