This is the baker's dozen thirteenth episode of The Driven Wild Universe. It follows
- "Rose-Colored Lenses,"
- "The Tie That Chokes,"
- "That Thing You Say,"
- "'Shipped Out,"
- "Andrea Speaks!",
- "Cheered Down,"
- "None in the Family, Part One,"
- "None in the Family, Part Two,"
- "Outvoted,"
- "Of Absolute Value,"
- "Breaking the Mold," and
- "Surreal World."
I'd give it a 2S...
Let me start off by saying that I hate the title I chose for this episode. I don't usually go for titles that only make sense phonetically. But I since I'm not one to shed titles I've chosen, I decided to stick with it.
Let me also say that this isn't exactly Anti-'Shipper Two. While this has definite anti-'shipper undertones, it is more of an exploration of love and its effects. Well, you'll just have to read it to see. ; > Enjoy!
Ten Spot Promo: These are getting so monotonous -- I think I've used all of them twice by now. It's reaching the point where I'll have to start making some up. Hmmmm, how 'bout....... we see half of Daria's face, the way we do on the show's logo. The screen behind her is black, a la "The Blair Witch Project." Daria looks at us pleadingly and says, with none of her usual deadpan, "Help us! We've been trapped inside the TV for almost three years! We're not cartoons, we're people just like you! To Jane's mom, and Quinn's mom, and Helen's mom, and Jake's mom, I just want to say I'm sorry. The project was my idea. I am soooooooooooo scared!"
Okay, that was the first and last "Blair Witch" spoof I'll ever do...
[intro theme music...................]
ERIN THE HEAD
byKara Wild
SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, evening)
(Shot of the outside.)
JANE: (off screen voice-over) I'd say... Kevin Costner?
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Too old.
JANE: Costner is? Yeah. And his career's on life-support...
(Cut to close-up shot of Daria and Jane sitting on Daria's bed. They're staring at a bunch of photos, which are positioned in such a way that you can't see who's on them. Jane's gazing at them with amusement, while Daria seems only mildly enthused.)
DARIA: If I must choose which overpaid movie star most resembles my aunt's boyfriend, I'll go with a Fiennes brother.
JANE: Yeah... but Joseph, not Ralph.
DARIA: He's not as attractive as either of them, but why not? (sighs.) At least she's got one of the Fienneses.
JANE: Yep. (Bt) So this is the Joel, hmm? That Amy can sure pick 'em.
DARIA: Mmmmm...
(She stands up and walks over to the chair by her computer, while Jane continues to look at the pictures.)
JANE: Oooh -- Speedos! He looks gooood.
DARIA: (sarcastic) Want the negative? You could use it to make a poster-sized copy of your very own.
JANE: (faux consideration) A poster of another woman's main squeeze -- that does sound appealing in a "Fatal Attraction" kind of way. But nah. (Bt. cocks a brow.) So care to tell me why these've been sitting around your house for two weeks and you never told me about them?
DARIA: What's to tell? (shrugs.) She got back together with him a whole month before these even arrived. They're living together.
JANE: Cool. (eyes Daria carefully, noting her dismal expression.) So why bother to bring them out now?
DARIA: With my cousin Erin appearing on the Guptys' marriage therapy show, today just felt like the right occasion. Why miss the chance to create a big family snugglefest?
JANE: (sardonic) You do so love to get warm 'n' fuzzy.
(Daria sighs.)
DARIA: I'd known for a while that Amy had a boyfriend, but until these photos, I'd never thought of him as a real guy. But now... it's... just weird.
(Beat)
JANE: (wry sympathy) Weird in a Tom kind of way?
DARIA: No. (Pause. reddens. blurts out.) Weird in an "everyone has a relationship except me kind of way."
(Pause. Jane looks at Daria with interest. Daria blushes even harder.)
DARIA: Forget it. Strike that from the record.
JANE: Now hold on. (Bt. delighted) Daria, would you happen to be thinking of making another play for Trent?
(Beat. Before Daria can respond, we hear off screen: )
JAKE: Kiddo! The show's about to start!
JANE: Y' know, he's not seeing anybody right now.
(Beat)
DARIA: Whoopee for him. Let's get downstairs.
(She jumps up out of her chair and quickly leaves the room. Jane lays down the photos and follows her, wearing an "I knew it" expression.)
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 2 (living room, a short time later)
(Shot of the four Morgendorffers and Jane sitting on the couch, watching the Guptys' marriage therapy show. The angle is such that we see the backs of their heads and the glowing TV screen. Cut to close-up of the TV screen. We see Mr. and Mrs. Gupty sitting on two of many chairs, which are arranged in a typical talk show fashion. With them are several guests, including Erin and her husband, Brian, whom we recognize from "I Don't" and "None in the Family." The Guptys are in the midst of talking with them.)
MR. GUPTY: (irritatingly pleasant) Little did we suspect that our meeting with Brian and Erin Danielson at a local gas station would change our lives!
MRS. GUPTY: After counseling their marriage back to health, we decided to spread joy and cheer to the other crumbling marriages in Carter County by creating a television show! And the ratings and endorsements we've received these past two months have really shown your gratitude!
MR. GUPTY: Don't forget to eat your Gupty Frosted Flakes in the morning, kids. They're Gup-tacular!
(Cut to shot of the four Morgendorffers and Jane. Helen and Jake watch with delight, Jane with wicked pleasure, Daria with her usual deadpan expression, and Quinn with noticeable melancholia.)
JANE: (faux shock) Such blatant product plugs. Is public access television not sacred, anymore?
DARIA: In a country where textbooks double as Wal-Mart catalogues, I'd have to go with no.
(Resume shot of the T.V.)
MRS. GUPTY: And how does it feel to be back with us since our last meeting?
BRIAN: (mumbling) 'Sokay.
ERIN: (bubbly) Oh it's wonderful! I just want to say hi to my mom, who'd be watching if this channel were shown in more than one county, my pal Daphne who's always told me "Erin sugar, you've just gotta go after your little ol' dreams and..."
(Resume shot of the Morgendorffers and Jane.)
HELEN: Ohhh... Erin looks so attractive. We really should pay her and Brian a visit someday, Jake.
JAKE: (enthused) Yeah -- if ever there's a day when you don't have a meeting and I don't have a golf game!
QUINN: (desolate) She's too attractive! Gahhhhd, why does she have to be so perfect?? I feel like such a failure next to her!
DARIA: (to Jane. deadpan) At long last, undone by a female who's even more vain and shallow than herself. Too bad she's also family.
(Resume shot of the T.V.)
JANE: (off screen) And don't she and hubby make the perfect Ken and Barbie set?
DARIA: Hollow plastic heads to boot.
ERIN: ... and I especially want to thank my Uncle Jake and Aunt Helen, whose horrible separation forced me and Brian to come out to Lawndale in the first place!
(Cut to shot of Helen and Jake, who eye each other uneasily.)
HELEN: (grumbling) Dammit, I'll hear it from Linda Griffin on that one.
(Resume shot of the T.V. Brian's scowling, but Erin doesn't notice.)
MR. GUPTY: Wonderful, just wonderful! And now, if we might ask, do you feel as though your communication has vastly improved since our meeting?
ERIN: Oh yes! We talk about everything, now!
BRIAN: Yep, we sure do. I talk, and she talks... and talks... and talks...
(Erin closes her mouth part way and frowns at Brian a little.)
JANE: (off screen) Whoops. Looks like Ken just sucker-punched Barbie.
MRS. GUPTY: And, um, have you managed to satisfy other areas of your life?
ERIN: Definitely. We have sex every day, sometimes more than once a day!
MR. & MRS. GUPTY: Mmmmmm... ("Whoa.")
BRIAN: Erin!
ERIN: (surprised) What? Why can't I mention it? We do have a healthy sex life, and I think sex is one of the most important parts of a relationship.
BRIAN: Maybe the most important part of your mother's relationships.
(Cut to shot of the Morgendorffers and Jane.)
DARIA/JANE/JAKE: Ooooooooooh...
HELEN: (outraged) How dare he say something like that about Rita!
(Resume shot of the T.V. Visibly offended, Erin has now turned to face Brian.)
ERIN: What are you saying?? That your mother's better?? That heifer-woman?!
DARIA/JANE/JAKE: (off screen) Oooooooooooooh!
BRIAN: Hey, at least that "heifer-woman" can cook a decent meal and iron out the wrinkles in my shirts, which is more than I can say --!
ERIN: (voice rising) Don't you think I'm trying to do a good job?! Why do you always have to compare me to her?!
MR. GUPTY: (nervous) Kids, perhaps we can discuss this quietly, like rational human beings.
MRS. GUPTY: Yes, give us the chance to heal you.
BRIAN: (not hearing them) Can I help it if she's the kind of woman who chooses to spend every day doing stuff that's useful, while you --
ERIN: What?! Say it!
BRIAN: Do absolutely NOTHING!!
(Cut to shot of the Morgendorffers and Jane. All are completely absorbed except for Helen, who looks distressed.)
HELEN: This is getting out of control. I don't think I can watch anymore.
JAKE: (absently) Yeah... me neither.
(Suddenly we hear a sharp pounding from off screen. Helen turns her head toward the front door. Resume shot of the T.V.)
ERIN: That's not true, you stupid BLEEPhole! If you'd ever bothered to help me out once in while --!
MRS. GUPTY: (now really nervous) Please, children, no need to resort to unpleasant language.
BRIAN: BLEEPhole! Don't call me a BLEEPhole you BLEEPing BLEEP!!
(Erin bursts into tears.)
OTHER GUESTS: Ohhhhhhhhhh!
WOMAN GUEST: You don't have to take that from 'im, girlfriend!
MR. GUPTY: (distressed) We need a commercial!
MRS. GUPTY: But this is public access television, Lester.
(Cut to shot of the Morgendorffers and Jane. We hear the pounding again.)
HELEN: (irritated) Well I guess if no one else is going to answer the door, then I'll have to.
QUINN: (absently) Have fun, Mom.
(Helen stands up and walks away. Resume shot of the T.V., where we see that Erin and Brian are out of their chairs and are practically in each other's faces. Erin is openly crying.)
ERIN: Y' know these past few months, I kept wondering if things really had changed between us. Now I know they HAVEN'T!
MR. GUPTY: Oh God... oh God...
(He bursts into tears. Mrs. Gupty leans over and comforts him. Cut to shot of Helen at the front door. She opens it, and who do we see but Erin. She stands there for a few seconds, looking dejected, before hurling herself at Helen and overwhelming her with an embrace. Resume shot of the T.V.)
BRIAN: Yeah, well all this time, I've been sick and tired of your yacking! Yack-yack-yack-yack --
ERIN: Well you won't have to listen to me yacking, anymore!
BRIAN: YACK!
(Cut to shot of Daria, Jane, Quinn, and Jake.)
JAKE: That doesn't sound too good.
DARIA: Nope.
(Resume shot of the T.V.)
ERIN: I'm leaving, you BLEEP!
BRIAN: Oh yeah?? Well BLEEP you!
(Now both of the Guptys are crying.)
(Resume shot of Daria, Jane, Quinn, and Jake. We hear Helen clearing her throat off screen. They turn and see Helen coming toward them, leading Erin, whose face has puckered up at the sight of this last explosion.)
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 3 (the kitchen, a short time later)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up of Erin sitting at the table, her eyes swollen from crying, bearing little of the "attractiveness" Helen, Quinn, and the rest were talking about earlier. She gasps, hiccups, and sobs, gasps, hiccups, sobs. Cut to wider shot. Helen, Jake, and Daria are standing around her. [Jane's gone home -- she took Erin's entrance as her cue to exit, with the promise that Daria would fill her in on all the details later.])
JAKE: (hushed. to Daria) Geez, I didn't realize it was tape-delayed.
DARIA: (deadpan) You thought the censors just had really quick trigger fingers?
(Quinn comes over to the table, holding a steaming mug.)
QUINN: Here's your cocoa, Erin. (sets it down.)
ERIN: Th-tha-tha-nk-k-k-k-k...
QUINN: Um, you're welcome.
(Helen puts a hand on Erin's shoulder.)
HELEN: Now, sweetie, everything's going to be all right. You're with your loved ones, now.
JAKE: Yeah, you'll never have to go near that bastard ever again!
(At the word "bastard," Erin bursts into tears and starts crying even harder. Quinn rolls her eyes. Helen glances at Jake with a weary "We'll have to proceed with caution" expression, and keeps patting Erin's shoulder. Finally Erin takes a deep breath, gets a partial hold on herself.)
ERIN: I r-r-really th-thought he was the one, Aunt Helen.
HELEN: Oh sweetie, we all did.
(As she says this, she desperately tries to keep the corners of her mouth from twitching. Daria can't conceal a smirk. Luckily Erin doesn't notice.)
ERIN: Wh-why do these things happen to me?? Here I am, an attractive and fun person wh-who's good in bed, a-and I end up with these jerks!
HELEN: I know, honey, I know... I know you mean well. It's not your fault your mother's served as your primary role model.
DARIA: So much for sibling loyalty.
HELEN: She's always thought that the best way to behave is to let a man tell her what to do, when nothing could be further from the truth. Right, Jake?
JAKE: You bet, sweetheart!
ERIN: I l-loved Brian, Aunt Helen, b-but now... I don't know, all I want to do is find a really n-nice guy.
HELEN: And you will. Or at the very least, you'll show Brian that you're someone worth appreciating. All you need to do is boost your self-esteem.
ERIN: Boost my self-esteem? But how?
HELEN: Oh, it's really not so difficult.
ERIN: Could you teach me??
HELEN: Teach you? Well I --
ERIN: Please? You're always so good with being assertive.
HELEN: Awww, that's very sweet --
ERIN: And don't tell Mom I said this... (looks down modestly.) but I've always kind of looked up to you. I only hope my life turns out half as well as yours has.
HELEN: Aww... (Bt) Well in that case, I'd be happy to teach you. Stay here as long as you need to, sweetheart.
JAKE: Yeah, hon. Let ol' Uncle Jake set up the guest room for you!
(Daria and Quinn eye each other warily.)
QUINN: Um, just remember that it has its own bathroom, so there's no point in hog-- um, sharing one with me an' Daria.
ERIN: (brightening) Thanks, you guys -- this is so great of you! (to Daria and Quinn.) And I'm gonna love spending time with you two. We'll be just like sisters!
QUINN: (flatly) Great.
DARIA: I'm having fun already.
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer house, noon on a weekend, a few days later)
(Shot of the outside.)
JANE: (off screen voice-over) So? How're things with Barbie? Has Ken come crawling back to her yet?
(Cut to shot of Daria sitting at the kitchen table with the cordless phone against her ear. Split screen to show Jane on the other end.)
DARIA: Nope. But at least she stopped crying about it -- for now.
JANE: (faux maternal tone) Poor thing.
DARIA: (deadpan) Oh yeah, I feel real sorry for Erin. She's living in our house expense free until my mom can find the time to talk to her, which should be never.
JANE: Naturally.
DARIA: She's got the good looks and personality to attract any number of guys -- and to shed them like last season's designer outfits. Which she probably does.
JANE: No doubt.
DARIA: She may be crying now, but come next week, she'll have long forgotten Brian. People like her bounce right back from these types of problems. (grim.) Relationships come so easy to them, they don't appreciate their value.
JANE: (also grim) Yeah.
DARIA: Erin's already recovered enough to go on three shopping sprees with Quinn to buy a new wardrobe.
JANE: Did you say "with Quinn"??
DARIA: (rolling her eyes) Yes. They've been trading beauty secrets, shopping strategies, gossip, you name it. You know I thought I'd reached my limit having to put up with one spoiled, self-absorbed "cousin" in my house, let alone two.
JANE: Aww, poor amiga. Well at least you'll get sprung from the joint for a little while today.
DARIA: I'll be over just as soon as I convince my mom to give up the car.
(Cut to full screen. We see Quinn waltz into the room, still dressed in her pajamas. She slides into a chair next to Daria.)
DARIA: (to Jane) I'll see ya.
JANE: Later.
(Daria hangs up. As soon as she sets the phone on the table, Quinn instinctively grabs it and holds it protectively.)
DARIA: Calling to make a playdate with your fashion cronies?
QUINN: (chipper) Erin said she might teach us how to find the perfect smudge-proof mascara today.
DARIA: Sounds riveting.
QUINN: Y' know I was kind of jealous of Erin at first, but these past few days've taught me how cool she can be. I've already learned so much from her. She's kind of like the sister I wish I had.
DARIA: (sarcastic) Aw, thaaanks.
(Beat)
QUINN: (realizing that last bit sounded mean) Um, not that you're so bad, or anything.
DARIA: Forget it. (Bt) Come to think of it, this quality time with Erin hasn't given you much time to study, has it? Since she arrived, I haven't seen you crack a book.
QUINN: (frowning) There's more to my life than studying, Daria. (Just then, her face lights up as she sees Erin come in. She holds out her hand.) Hey, Erin!
ERIN: (chipper) Hey, girlfriend! Ooh, love the shade of your nail polish.
QUINN: Thanks. I figured pink lemonade brought out my skin tone better than tangerine.
ERIN: Good call! You have such great nail polish instincts. I'll have to try that one sometime.
QUINN: Thanks!
DARIA: (to Erin) And hi to you.
ERIN: Oh -- hey, Daria! Sorry I didn't say something earlier.
DARIA: (imitating Erin's tone) No biggie. (Bt) Oh by the way, another swarm of mostly male viewers of the Guptys' show called to give you their support, and said that they'd like to share your pain.
ERIN: How sweet! Um, I don't suppose Brian called, did he?
DARIA: No.
ERIN: Oh. (face falls slightly.) So... did any of the other people say what they looked like?
DARIA: (slightly annoyed) I didn't have time to establish a rating system.
ERIN: No, it's just --
(Just then Helen comes in, dressed casually and carrying several heavy files. She looks at them and gets an indulgent expression on her face.)
HELEN: Ohhhh... it's so nice to see you three getting along.
ERIN: Hi, Aunt Helen! (reaches over to hug her, but pulls back when she sees Helen's too loaded down.)
HELEN: Erin, sweetheart, I'm afraid I'm going to have to postpone our meeting to discuss bolstering your self-esteem -- I've got so much to do today.
ERIN: No problem. In that case, could I borrow your car for the afternoon?
HELEN: Well... I don't see why n--
DARIA: Um, actually, I was going to ask if I could borrow it. Jane and I are going to an arts and crafts fair in Scarsborough.
ERIN: I could drive you there... wherever it is.
DARIA: (resistant) Where's your car?
ERIN: Brian has it. (starts to get a desolate look on her face.) I had to take the bus here.
HELEN: (groaning) If Jake didn't have a golf game...
(At the mention of Brian, Erin's lips have begun to quiver, and whimpers threaten to spill out of her mouth. Quinn and Daria get wary expressions. Helen looks at Daria with an exasperated "Do you want us to go through this again??" Daria sighs, concedes.)
DARIA: All right. She can drive me to Scarsborough.
HELEN: Wonderful -- now everyone will be happy. Don't tell your mother I don't look after you, Erin honey.
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 5 (drivin' around)
(Shot of the SUV driving along a residential street. Cut to frontal shot of Erin and Daria. Erin is singing along to Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me," and she actually sounds pretty good. Daria seems to think so -- as unenthusiastic as she is to be alone with her cousin, she can't help but cock an eyelid with mild astonishment.)
DARIA: (deadpan) Your Grammy will arrive in eight to ten business days.
ERIN: Huh?
DARIA: Nothing.
(She fiddles with the channels on the radio until we hear "With Them Bones" by Alice in Chains. She and Erin drive along for several more seconds, not speaking, until: )
ERIN: Y' know Daria, me driving you to Scarsborough will give us a chance to talk and, like, get to know each other better.
DARIA: Get to know each other. Right. (Bt) Um, this is not the way to my friend's house.
ERIN: Oh we'll get there eventually. (Bt) So... do you... have a boyfriend?
DARIA: Why yes. He's a wealthy foreign exchange student from Italy. Next winter he plans to fly me out to Naples in his private jet so we can exchange wedding vows.
ERIN: Wow, really?? (Pause) Wait... you're being sarcastic, aren't you?
DARIA: 'Fraid so. People like me don't have boyfriends. We get laughed at by the girls that do.
ERIN: Oh... that's too bad. (Bt. slightly awkward smile.) But it must be neat being a brain, right? You are a brain, aren't you? That's what Mom and Grandma said.
DARIA: Yes, I've been told I fit that description. And aside from daily humiliation and some healthy loathing of my fellow human beings, there's not much I can tell you about it.
ERIN: Oh.
(Cut to shot of the outside. Erin pulls the SUV into a gas station. Resume inside shot.)
DARIA: (frowning) Why are we stopping here? The tank is full.
ERIN: I know. But I think I may've left my sunglasses here when I stopped to get gas.
DARIA: But I thought you --
ERIN: Would you mind waiting here for a few minutes? (turns off the engine, jumps out of the SUV.)
(Fade-out. fade-in to an outside shot of the SUV, sometime later. We see Daria sitting in the front seat with her arms folded, looking as impatient and irritated as she possibly could. Several minutes have passed since Erin disappeared into the gas station store. She checks her watch. Suddenly, from off screen: )
BOY: Hey, it's you!
GIRL: You made our mommy and daddy cry!!
BOY: And you made them lose valuable endorsements!
GIRL: Take that, you big meany!
(Beat)
ERIN: Aghhh!
(Daria turns and sees Erin rushing toward the car, Tad and Tricia Gupty pursuing her with water guns. She can't help but smirk as her cousin hops into the SUV, one side of her body dripping wet, and quickly puts the key in the ignition.)
ERIN: (gasping) Ugh, let's get out of here!
(They speed away onto the street.)
DARIA: So, did you find your sunglasses?
ERIN: Um... no. (gets an uneasy expression.)
DARIA: Somehow I suspected you wouldn't. (Bt) Why would you forget your sunglasses after pumping gas when you supposedly took the bus to get to our house?
(Beat)
ERIN: (wilting a little) Oh... I did say that, didn't I?
DARIA: Yep. Either you have a really bad memory, or something's up. (Bt) In fact, it sort of brings to light this question I've had since you arrived -- why are you staying with us?
ERIN: Huh? I told you --
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Why are you really staying with us? Your mom would've treated you better than we could, and with a little arm-twisting, you could've talked Grandma into buying you a car.
ERIN: Oh, I couldn't ask her to buy me another one... (glances at Daria. sighs.) All right, all right, I'll confess. I did take the bus to get to your house, that's the truth. But... I didn't decide to stay with you just because I totally admire your mom.
DARIA: Well duh. From the moment the words flew from your mouth I knew they were as phony as your press-on eyelashes.
ERIN: Oh. (Bt. insistent) But the reason I'm here does have to do with that gas station. You see, it started when I was on the bus, and I was upset and depressed and wanting to go home to Mother, when suddenly I realized: hey, now I'll finally have the chance to see him again!
DARIA: Him who?
ERIN: This guy I met at the gas station. Back when your parents were separated, Brian and I stopped there to fill up his car, and...
(Fade-out. fade-in to a flashback. We see Erin standing next to Brian's Range Rover, looking really ticked-off -- she and Brian have been fighting. Her gaze trails off sideways.)
ERIN: (off screen voice-over from the present) I was just standing there, when out of the corner of my eye, I see the guy come toward me...
(Pan over to where he is. The screen is hazy, so it's difficult to tell what he looks like, but there's something familiar about his outline.)
ERIN: (off screen voice-over) And he says to me --
GUY: (echoing... yet familiar) Hey, you might want to put on a jacket, or something. It's cold.
ERIN: Thanks.
GUY: Mmmmm...
ERIN: (off screen voice-over) I was going to say more, but then Brian got finished pumping gas and we started arguing again. The next time I turned around, the guy was gone.
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Back to the sunset whence he'd come.
(Cut to shot of them in the present.)
DARIA: (with some disbelief) So you actually remember someone that vividly with whom you exchanged maybe two words?
ERIN: Yeah. I mean, in that one minute, he showed more concern for me than Brian did the entire time we've been married. (Bt) Besides, he was hot.
DARIA: I see. (her tone is quite skeptical, but the look on her face shows grudging, very grudging, respect.) And you visited the gas station with the hope that you might, by chance, run into him again?
ERIN: Or else maybe find out some stuff about him, like where he lived. (sighs.) I was gonna drive around town looking for him -- that's why I wanted the car.
DARIA: Uh-huh...
ERIN: Guess that was kind of a stupid idea, wasn't it?
DARIA: You could've waited until after you'd driven my friend and me to Scarsborough.
ERIN: Oh... yeah. I'm sorry -- I guess I just wasn't thinking. It's hard, you know, when you think you've found someone to care about. And you want more than anything to hold on to that person and form a life with him and love him and have him love you -- y' know what I mean?
(Pause. Daria gets a skeptical look on her face and prepares a mocking response. But then, slowly, her expression changes to reflective.)
DARIA: (mumbling) I'd like to.
ERIN: But geez, I guess it's hopeless. I'll just drive back to your house and drop myself off. You can have the car.
(Cut to shot of the outside. The SUV makes a sharp turn onto another residential street. Resume inside shot.)
DARIA: Okay. But I wouldn't give up just yet, if I were you. What did the guy look like? Did he give you a name?
ERIN: No... but let me see. He was tall... dark... sexy.
DARIA: Which narrows you down to about five people in Lawndale. And one of them goes to high school. Try being more specific.
ERIN: He... um... had this wild hair... and a goatee... Oh, and he was carrying a guitar. Can't believe I forgot that one!
(Pause. Daria gets a stunned expression on her face, as who Erin's talking about sinks in.)
DARIA: Uh-huh. (Bt) Um, I wouldn't worry if I were you. Your knight in shining armor should appear before too long.
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 6 (Morgendorffer house, a short time later)
(Shot of the outside. We see the SUV in the driveway. Erin has just gotten out, and Daria has slid into the driver's seat. Just then, from the left, we see a familiar car drive up and stop next to the curb. Jane pokes her head through the front passenger window.)
JANE: (to Daria) There you are. Didn't know if you had the car, so I roped Trent into giving us a lift to Scarsborough.
(Now Trent leans his head toward the window.)
TRENT: (smiling his crooked smile) Hey, Daria.
(Erin has been moving toward the house, when the sound of Trent's voice causes her to stop. She turns around, looks at him.)
TRENT: (seeing her) Heyyyyy.
[Shot of Erin and Brian shouting at each other on the T.V.]
You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.
- "Next Friday, on the Ten Spot: When Jodie becomes the victim of racist remarks, someone familiar to us gets accused of being the perpetrator. And Lawndale High tries to come up with ways to promote diversity. Catch it next week on an all-new 'Daria.'"
- SEE "The Blair Witch Project"!!! OWN "The Blair Witch Project"!!! No thanks -- if I wanted to see and own something that was overrated, did not stir up my emotions, and left me sea-sick, I'd've bought "Titanic."
- Clinton and school violence: Have you seen the commercial where they have all the little kids share disturbing experiences with school violence, then Clinton comes on in the end, urging parents to talk to their kids? I don't know why, but for some reason, when I see politicians come on TV claiming they're in touch with the concerns of America's youth, it just makes me think of how out of touch they are...
You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?
ERIN THE HEAD
SCENE 1 (Jane's house, later that day)
(Shot of the outside.)
JANE: (off screen voice-over) Boy, that was a close one.
(Cut to shot of her and Daria in her room, looking wood carvings, engravings, and other purchases from the arts and crafts fair.)
DARIA: What was?
JANE: That encounter between Trent and your cousin earlier today. Didn't you see the way she was totally putting the moves on him??
DARIA: I believe they exchanged dialogue, yes.
(Fade-out. fade-in to flashback. Trent and Jane have gotten out of the car and are standing across from Daria and Erin.)
ERIN: So you're a musician?
TRENT: Uh-huh. I play in a band called Mystik Spiral, but we're thinking about changing our name.
ERIN: That's nice.
TRENT: We've been wanting to do it for a long time.
ERIN: Cool. (Bt) So've you ever thought of changing it to something like "Electric Sunrise"?
TRENT: (mulling it over) "Electric Sunrise"? Could be cool.
ERIN: I've always wanted to name something "Electric Sunrise," but I didn't know what. (giggles a little.)
TRENT: I know what you mean. I've always wanted to name something "Frozen Caterpillar," but I didn't know what.
ERIN: Neat.
JANE: (off screen voice-over from the present) I did not like where this obviously sexually-charged conversation was going.
DARIA: (off screen voice-over from the present) You got "sexual charge" out of it?
(In the flashback, Daria stifles a yawn. Jane steps forward.)
JANE: But Trent, doesn't "Electric Sunrise" sound like a name that one of your ex-girlfriends toward whom you harbor bitter feelings -- like Denise or Monique -- would've chosen? [*] see "'Shipped Out," "Lane Miserables"
TRENT: Hmmm... I never really thought about it.
JANE: (off screen voice-over. triumphant) I saved your ass right then and there.
DARIA: (off screen voice-over) How so?
ERIN: Oh... I wouldn't want to give you a name that would cause bad memories.
(Cut back to present shot of Daria and Jane.)
JANE: How?? The conversation broke up soon after, Trent got into his car and drove home, and he's still yours for the taking. It's a good thing your cousin's so shallow, or else Trent would have sounded a whole lot more interesting.
DARIA: Um yeah... shallow. (gets a slightly uncomfortable look on her face.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house, at that same time)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Erin in the kitchen with the cordless phone at her ear.)
ERIN: Hey... Mom?
(Cut to split screen. It's not Rita, but Jimmy from "None in the Family, Part One" who's at the other end. He's sitting up in bed, his upper torso bare. He looks his usual scraggly and apathetic self.)
ERIN: Mom? Is that you?
(Pause. Then Jimmy groans.)
JIMMY: Do I sound like your mother??
ERIN: (annoyed) Could you put her on the phone, please?
(Jimmy groans again and lazily hands the phone to Rita -- pan over to show only her. She is also sitting up in bed, her exposed parts bare.)
RITA: (to Erin. concerned) Baby, is that you?
ERIN: Uh-huh. (wrinkles her nose.) Ugh, Mother why did you get back together with Jimmy?? He's such a boring do-nothing, no-talent slob.
(Beat)
RITA: (surprised) But he's cute.
ERIN: Whatever. I just called to tell you I'm doing okay. (giggles a little.) Better than okay, actually -- wonderful! Today's the day I went the longest without thinking of Brian. A whole two hours!
RITA: Oh... that is wonderful news! Well I only hope that pathetic jerk is making the phone ring off the hook because he wants you back so badly. Well don't forgive him, baby.
ERIN: (paling... realizing the phone's been quiet) Um... well... uh, I won't.
RITA: Now have your Aunt Helen and Uncle Jake been treating you well? (voice takes on a slightly hurt tone.) You know, baby, you didn't have to stay with them -- Mama would've been more than happy to take you in and help you through your ordeal.
ERIN: Oh, um, that's really sweet of you, and I was actually thinking of doing that, but Aunt Helen --
RITA: (bristling) Oh, let me guess. She probably twisted your arm and pressured you with her incessant talking until you had no choice but to say "yes," right??
ERIN: Um... right.
RITA: That is so typical of her.
ERIN: And I couldn't leave now. I'd feel guilty.
RITA: That's too bad. We could've been gal pals and gone out cruising for guys every night.
ERIN: ("Ugh... 'gal pals' with Mom??") Actually, no offense, but --
RITA: We could've found you someone better. You know, baby, I didn't want to say it, but Brian always reminded me too much of your father.
ERIN: (sighing) Oh Mom, do we have to talk about Dad again?
RITA: Well I'm sorry, I can't help it. That bastard -- I can't believe he just abandoned us the way he did --!
ERIN: (quickly) But that was fifteen years ago, and you've done a great job bringing me up, believe me.
RITA: (more sober) I hope so.
ERIN: Anyway, I met a really great guy today who's nothing like Dad. And (giggles) he asked me out!
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (Daria's room, that evening)
(Close-up of Daria.)
DARIA: He what?
ERIN: Trent asked me out!
DARIA: How? We saw him leave before --
ERIN: I know, I know -- but after you guys'd left, he came back. Said he'd forgotten to give your friend something. Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to go watch him play at this club, whatever it's called...
DARIA: The Zen?
ERIN: Yes!
DARIA: He asks everyone that.
ERIN: (enthusiasm fading a little) Oh. (Bt) But at least it's great he asked me, 'cause I'll get to see him again.
DARIA: Uh-huh.
ERIN: And he's just the way I remember him -- really nice, really considerate, hotter than hell. (giggles a little.) He's got this really cool smile that has "sensitive" written all over it. I know I could be so happy with him.
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Oh really?
ERIN: Yeah, I can just see it -- he'd travel on the road with his band and play his crybaby music, and I'd be the supportive girlfriend who he'd dedicate songs to.
DARIA: (sardonic) I don't suppose you had these pie-in-the-sky fantasies when you were dating Brian, did you?
(Pause)
ERIN: Well... (slightly defensive.) maybe I did. But so what? Just because I have the same fantasies doesn't mean they're the same guy.
DARIA: True... but allow me to throw a wrench of caution into your schemes. (Bt) Trent sleeps fourteen hours a day.
ERIN: I could live with that. (Bt) Besides, he won't be that way forever, right?
(Daria shrugs cryptically.)
DARIA: He speaks in monosyllables.
ERIN: I like quiet men.
DARIA: He never changes his clothes. His personal hygiene is highly questionable.
ERIN: So? I could change that.
DARIA: So you say. And most of all, he's not exactly known for being considerate of his girlfriends.
ERIN: That's just because he hasn't found the right one yet. But I just know that once we get together, he'll be a whole different guy.
(Beat)
DARIA: You seem very confident. What makes you so sure Trent is going to change -- or that you could change him? Especially when you just confessed that he's the ideal guy for you right now, the way he is?
ERIN: Oh, I don't mean that by "different guy," he'd stop being nice and considerate. I would just iron out the rough spots on him, so that the rest of him was just as good. I mean, that's what they call the "power of love," right?? The way you can transform someone into something else?
(Pause. Daria pales a little and averts her eyes. She appears to be pondering something.)
ERIN: Daria?
(Beat)
DARIA: (deadpan) Um...thanks for telling me. I wish you good luck on the journey to your new life.
ERIN: Um actually... (makes a move to sit on the bed, after looking at it with some trepidation.) I also sort of wanted to ask you a favor.
DARIA: (wary) What?
ERIN: (hesitant) Well... even though I know Trent and I will be together eventually, he only seems to think of me as a friend, now. I thought... since you know him, maybe you could tell me some stuff about him, ways I can get his attention.
(Pause. Again, Daria wears an uneasy, thoughtful expression.)
ERIN: (more urgent) Please, Daria?? It would really mean a lot to me, and I'd pay you back if you wanted. (Bt) I could take you and your friend shopping for a new wardrobe, or (looks uneasily at the padded walls and bones.) give you... some decorating tips.
(long Pause. Daria still looks thoughtful. Then slowly, she nods.)
DARIA: You're so set on having him, how can I refuse? I'll help you.
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Pizza King, the next afternoon)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the inside, where Daria, Jane, and Tom are sharing a booth. Jane and Tom are finishing off a large pie, while Daria is bent over a notepad, scribbling. Tom peers over, then eyes Jane mischievously.)
TOM: Should we ask her what she's writing?
JANE (also mischievous) Again? But wouldn't that be invasive of us?
TOM: Yeah -- it would definitely be disrespecting her privacy.
DARIA: (annoyed) Since when has that ever stopped you?
(She groans, sits up, and pushes the notepad toward them. Jane and Tom examine it with interest.)
TOM: Ooh-la-la... intense. "Look at the way/ They're tearing up the streets/ Look out -- they're turning on their own..."
JANE: (delighted) Methinks these are song lyrics. (Bt) You plan on giving them to Trent?
DARIA: (clipped) Yep.
TOM: Great -- Mystik Spiral could use some new songs. "You're a Liar, I'm On Fire"'s been played to death.
JANE: The man'll be putty in your hands.
DARIA: The lyrics aren't from me. They're from Erin.
(Beat)
JANE: (confused) Erin??
TOM: Who's Erin?
JANE: Daria's ditzy cousin. (Bt) Daria, why are you giving these to her?? These are good lyrics.
DARIA: So?
JANE: So if you don't want her to win Trent over, shouldn't you at least be writing skanky lyrics for her?
DARIA: I doubt Mystik Spiral would know the difference.
JANE: True. (Pause. raises a brow.) Okay Daria, what's up?
(awkward Pause. Daria averts her eyes, then lets them drift toward Tom, who gets the idea.)
TOM: (faux anxious) Oh my -- look at the time! I really gotta get to... wherever I have to go.
(He jumps up and gives Jane a peck on the lips, which she seems to appreciate, but which makes Daria blush with discomfort.)
TOM: See ya, Daria.
DARIA: (half-hearted) Bye.
(Beat)
JANE: Okay, now that we're alone. Daria, if you like Trent, why are you doing your best to set him up with your cousin? Even for you, that's twisted.
DARIA: I just... felt sorry for her, that's all.
JANE: Yes, it's true -- the poor gal's been jilted. But still, for you to be this generous to her, after the way you talked about her yesterday morning, seems very, very strange.
DARIA: (frowning. defensive) Why?? That was before she started telling me about how important it was to find the right guy and have a fulfilling relationship. For once, I actually felt like we saw eye-to-eye on something. (Bt. blushes a little.) I... would like that, too.
JANE: Well great, that makes two of us. But still, I don't know if I completely buy your excuse. There's gotta be something more... (Pause. looks closely at Daria.) Wait a minute... (smirks wickedly.) Daria, you wouldn't by chance be using Erin's relationship with Trent as some kind of vicarious experiment, would you??
(Daria averts her eyes, a guilty expression flickering across her face.)
DARIA: (feigning innocence... badly) Um, I... don't know what you're...
JANE: (satisfied) Ah-ha -- just as I suspected. You're afraid if you told Trent your feelings about him, he'd reject you. But because Erin's pretty, there's no way he'd reject her, especially after you write her these great song lyrics. So they start to date, and you live vicariously through her experiences, without feeling pain and humiliation. Splendid work, Cyrano.
(Beat. Daria's frown deepens.)
DARIA: (sarcastic) Thank you, Dr. Ruth. Though actually, my plan is to watch Erin interact with Trent and find out whether it's really true that love is a transforming experience.
JANE: A what?
DARIA: (reddening) Whether... you become a different person through loving someone. Whether it makes you deeper... or better... or just not who you are now.
JANE: (raising a brow) Hmm, sounds like some pretty heady stuff. What made you think of it, all of a sudden?
DARIA: (reddening even more) It wasn't so "all of a sudden." When I looked through Amy's photos for the first time, the question just popped into my head. It's stayed with me on and off these past two weeks, until my talk with Erin last night really got me thinking about it.
JANE: Hmm... okay. But don't you think you could solve the mystery without risking your prospects with Trent? If you're so scared of getting rejected, you could at least ask someone with experience. Like Amy -- since her photos were the ones that started it all.
(Daria looks down, clearly uncomfortable.)
DARIA: (with unusual fierceness) I don't want to ask Amy. (Pause) If I do, I might find out that love changes you, all right, but not for the better.
JANE: What d' you mean?
(Daria reaches over into her backpack and retrieves a few folded up e-mails, which she hands to Jane. Jane looks them over, smirks, then bursts into chuckles.)
DARIA: (making a sour face) Could she sound any sweeter??
JANE: Hmm-hmm, I'd say she sounds slightly less cynical. (Bt) If I had to wager, I'd guess she and her beau are enjoying a second honeymoon period, and that she'll be back to crusty self before too long.
DARIA: (slightly subdued) And what if she's not? If you thought those e-mails were as sweet as it gets, then you haven't listened to her new answering machine recording. (shudders a little.)
JANE: (taking Daria's concern with a grain of salt) Like candy corn covered in maple syrup, eh? Okay, so fine: you don't want to talk to Amy. So then why don't you just talk to me?
DARIA: You've only just started to date Tom.
JANE: (rolling her eyes) Well Erin would've just started to date Trent, so what's the difference??
(Pause)
DARIA: (with extreme reluctance) Fine. (Bt) Do you feel like a different person since you started dating?
JANE: Geez, who can say? I guess I feel a wee bit less jaded about our whole high school situation. Like, since I've got a boyfriend who's older and more mature, it's easier for me to ignore the jerks who make fun of us in class. Sort of.
DARIA: (mulling it over) So you feel more validated at school... hmm...
(Pause)
JANE: (gently sardonic) Y' know, I think the easiest way to answer your question would be if you went through the pratfalls of love on your own.
DARIA: There's a time and a place for that. Way off in the future.
JANE: Okay. (Bt. irritation creeping in.) So in the meantime, you have absolutely no problem at all with setting my brother up with your cousin.
DARIA: (deadpan) I don't see why you're so bothered by it. You said you wanted to be a part of the Barksdale family.
JANE: (rolling her eyes) I meant through painful and twisted upbringing, not (cringes a little.) as a girlfriend-in-law. I mean this girl's on the rebound from her marriage and looks as though she could just dump Trent the minute she lays her eyes on the first hunky, dull-witted --
DARIA: (defensive) Hey, Erin's not that bad. (Bt) She's even kind of nice... in a dopey sort of way. Besides, who says Trent deserves any better?
(Pause. Jane frowns.)
DARIA: That came out wrong. (Bt) What I meant is that however this shakes up, Trent winds up with someone who appreciates him.
(Beat)
JANE: (sighing) If you say so.
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, next afternoon)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the living room. Daria's lying flat on her back on the center couch, her head turned toward the T.V. She's got a reflective look on her face, and is oblivious to what's on.)
SSW ANNOUNCER: (off screen) Meet immigrants who said they married American women for love -- then sold them into sexual slavery! America or Busts neeeeeext on "Sick Sad World."
(We hear the front door click open and see Erin, Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy come on screen in the background. None of them notice Daria's presence. Cut to close-up of them.)
ERIN: ... And so that's how our fashion club saved the school from the evil Seventies revival!
QUINN/TIFFANY/STACY: Oooh... ahh...
STACY: Wow.
TIFFANY: I hear they even brought back bell bottoms.
ERIN: (shuddering) It was just... horrible. I still get nightmares.
QUINN: (dramatic) We almost faced something similar at our school -- but we counterattacked with pamphlets to all the students which showed just how geeky they would look, and that pretty much snuffed out the crisis.
ERIN: Ooh, that was great thinking! Your fashion club must be really influential at school.
QUINN: Well, I don't like to brag, or anything, but --
STACY: Quinn's a really neat leader! She always knows just how to deal with new fashion trends.
TIFFANY: She's way smart about stuff.
QUINN: (faux modest) Oh, you guys...
STACY: She'd be an even better president if she had more time. But our stupid math teacher makes her stay after school every day and work on dumb homework assignments.
ERIN: (to Quinn. concerned) Really??
QUINN: (suddenly hesitant) Oh... well. I mean he doesn't really make me --
STACY: (to Erin) I always hear him tell Quinn: (deepens her voice in imitation) "Ms. Morgendorffer, you're not allowed to leave this room 'til you've learned how to do the assignment." He never offers to help me that way, and I've got a worse grade than her.
ERIN: Ugh, he sounds like a total creep. But don't let it get you down, Quinn. When I was in high school, I managed to find ways to keep school from getting in the way of stuff that was important to me.
(Cut to close-up of Daria. She cocks an eyelid.)
QUINN: (off screen) Oh, um... I won't.
STACY: (off screen) Ooh, Erin, at the slumber party tonight, will you tell us more about how Trent kissed you and how you plan to make him over when you get together??
(At the mention of "kiss," Daria's eyes widen. Resume close-up of Erin and the F.C.)
ERIN: Sure!
TIFFANY: Cooooooool.
STACY: You're so neat, Erin. Way better than Quinn's weird other cousin.
TIFFANY: Qui-inn, when's her mom getting out of jail??
[*] see "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say"
ERIN: (to Quinn) Y' know, the way you've been talking about her, it sounds like your dad's side of the family is really spooky.
QUINN: Uh... yeah. (chuckles nervously.) Um, let's go upstairs.
(Tiffany and Stacy nod, and the three of them bolt on up.)
ERIN: (calling after them) I'll be with you in minute! (turns, heads toward the guest room, when she sees Daria sitting up on the couch.) Daria!
(Cut to close-up shot of her on the couch. Daria straightens up and looks at her with a deadpan expression. )
DARIA: So how did it --?
(Erin hurries over to the couch and drops down beside her.)
ERIN: The lyrics worked! I went over to Trent's house today and he loved them. Thank you so much for suggesting that I sing them to him!! (abruptly reaches over and engulfs Daria in a hug.)
DARIA: Mmph... mph. (pulls back.) You sing well, so I figured --
ERIN: He said that they were really deep and they had, like, a message and everything. And they were deep -- they were really great. (note of admiration in her voice.) I never knew you were such a good writer.
DARIA: (surprised by the praise) Oh... thanks.
ERIN: Then he asked me if I wanted to be a member of his band! He said anyone who sing the way I can and think deeply would really take it places.
DARIA: (stunned) Member of his band??
ERIN: And I said yes!! So now I'll get to be with him all the time, and he even kissed me! I can just feel him falling for me Daria, I swear!
(Pause. Daria blinks several times, trying to let all of Erin's revelations sink in. Finally she shakes her head.)
DARIA: Um... that's great. So this kiss... um, how did it feel when he kissed you?
ERIN: Wonderful! Like, I don't know, explosions and everything. I felt like I wanted him to kiss me forever.
DARIA: (blushing) Oh...
ERIN: Just imagine if he'd kissed me on the lips!
(Beat)
DARIA: The lips?? (Bt) Where, exactly, did he kiss you?
ERIN: On the cheek. But that didn't matter -- I know the meaning of a kiss when I feel it, and there was no mistaking his meaning.
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Oh really? (slightly disappointed.) At the risk of raining on your parade: how do you know you're not jumping to outrageous conclusions?
ERIN: (puzzled) What d' you mean?
DARIA: How do you really know he kissed you out of infatuation? A kiss can mean many things -- friendship, respect, and in some cultures, a way of greeting. How d' you know his kiss wasn't to thank you for a job well done?
ERIN: Well I... I'm pretty sure he wasn't doing it for any of those reasons. (Bt) But why are you so interested, all of a sudden?
DARIA: Because... if you're so set on having a fulfilling relationship with this guy, you'd better make sure he feels the same way about you as you do about him. Otherwise, you're liable to build up grandiose fantasies about what your life could be like with Trent, only to watch them inevitably self-destruct when you learn that he just wants to be friends. (Bt) You'd be spared a lot of pain and misery if you just kept your eyes open to reality instead of fantasy.
(Pause. Erin gazes at Daria incredulously for a few seconds, then bursts out laughing.)
ERIN: Wow, you sounded so mature when you said that. Just like Nora.
(She hops up off the couch and dashes toward the kitchen. Daria gets up slowly and follows her.)
DARIA: (sardonic) I realize rational thought's something you're not too familiar with. (Pause) Who's Nora? An old friend?
ERIN: (looking over the fruit for something to choose) No, she was my singing coach at Northern U.
(Daria cocks an eyelid.)
ERIN: She gave me some big lecture about how I shouldn't throw away my volleyball scholarship and give up the chance to sing, like at the university or professionally or whatever, all just because I'd met some guy. Well Brian wasn't just some guy! I mean he came along when I was feeling depressed and lonely and filled this huge void in my life. I was so sure it was going to work out between us, and we got married -- well you know, you were there -- but he wasn't some guy.
(Beat)
DARIA: So you dropped out of school because of Brian??
ERIN: Uh-huh. School was great and all, but being married and going to college would've been way too complicated, so you have to pick what's more important to you so I went with marriage, naturally.
(Beat)
DARIA: And your mother wasn't upset?
ERIN: (nonchalant) Oh no -- my mom's been cool with whatever I do ever since Dad left us. She knows I'll do the right thing.
DARIA: (sarcastic) Oh I'm sure. Her daughter throws away an education to become the happy homemaker. I'd be "cool" with it, too.
ERIN: (missing the sarcasm) Anyway, it's been great chatting with you, but I gotta get upstairs -- your sister will be wondering where I am.
DARIA: Okay, fine. But one last thing: (cocks an eyelid) tell me more about this singing career you might have had.
(cut to: )
SCENE 6 (Daria's room, later that evening)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria sitting in her room, enjoying some rare interrupted minutes on the phone [with Erin and Quinn in the house, phone time's been difficult to muster]. Jane's on the other end.)
DARIA: (deadpan) She said she'd won some singing contests back when she was a kid. One of them was state-wide.
JANE: (from the receiver) Impressive.
DARIA: It's sure as hell something my mom never told us. I doubt she wanted to revel in one of my Aunt Rita's successes.
(Cut to split screen with Daria on the right, Jane on the left.)
JANE: Ah, sibling rivalry takes a few more casualties.
DARIA: Then in college, she had this singing coach who was connected to a couple of music producers. Told Erin that if she worked hard enough, she might break out someday.
JANE: Do you believe it?
DARIA: Who can say? But as it turned out, she never even tried. Once she met Brian, she gave up singing for good.
JANE: Ahh, trades her talent for an ingrate. The old story. (Bt. turns more serious.) Y' know Daria, that reminds me: I've gotta apologize for acting a wee bit snobbish toward your cousin yesterday.
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Snobbish? You?
JANE: (rolling her eyes) Yes, yes, sisterly protectiveness reared its ugly head. But although she may be lacking in the mental department, the girl can sing. I listened to her on some tapes that Trent made -- she even made "Ice Box Woman" sound good.
DARIA: And now she gets to show off her stuff in a band. (makes a sour expression.) And the only thing she cares about is how it brings her closer to Trent.
JANE: (a tad uneasy) Yep. They'll be spending a lot of time together.
DARIA: I'm starting to really regret having set them up.
JANE: (more uneasy) Yeah... you should. (Bt) I spent some time watching Trent play the tapes. He played them over and over again... and he really seemed to like them, if you know what I mean.
DARIA: So what you're saying is...
(Beat)
JANE: If you hoped to get together with Trent... you may have missed your chance.
[Shot of Trent, Erin, Daria, and Jane in front of the Morgendorffers' house.]
You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.
- Digimon: Good lord, what is that?! America has just learned how to accommodate the Pokémon craze, and now we have to deal with cheap knock-offs??! It may just be the straw that breaks parents', and marketers', and anyone else who doesn't love these toys, backs...
- Those commercials where they advertise the special pillows, mattresses, etc for back, neck, and shoulder problems. Contrary to what they say, those things just look so darn uncomfortable to me...
- Dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.COM, dot.COM, dot.COM, dot.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM!!!!!!
Ahh, now that you've repeated it enough times, it's all out of your system. And you'll realize that far from being The Future, the online retailers usually don't offer you much more than what you could buy from a real store. Well, maybe except for the Daria books...
You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?
ERIN THE HEAD
SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, a short time later)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up of Quinn in the bathroom, looking very weary and annoyed. She's leaning on her elbows against the counter, staring at herself in the mirror.)
QUINN: (to herself) Trent-Trent-Trent alllllllll evening. You'd think that was, like, the only freaking topic in the world worth talking about! Well it's getting old so let's drop it for five minutes, o-kaaaay??
(She doesn't notice that Daria's just come in to get a drink of water.)
QUINN: (mimicking the others.) Oh nooo, we wanna hear about how Erin's gonna make Trent over a million different ways, and what their wedding's gonna be like an' what their kids will be like -- (sees Daria.) agh!
(Beat)
DARIA: (smirking at her discomfort) So Cousin Erin's getting to you, is she?
QUINN: Um, no. (Bt. mumbles to herself.) Just the parts of her that go off on some stupid guy like there's no tomorrow.
DARIA: (with some satisfaction) Guess that means construction of the Erin Chambers Fan Club Center will be postponed indefinitely. [*] see postscript (Points of Interest)
QUINN: (glaring at her) Hey, I still think Erin's cool in every other way, an' I still wish I could be more like her.
DARIA: Even when she tells you to forget school and the stuff you're good at besides shopping and dating?
QUINN: Oh God, this is gonna turn into one of those lectures, isn't it? Where you, like, tell me I'm not living up to my geek potential??
DARIA: (deadpan) Bingo.
QUINN: Well I'm doing the best I can, okay?? I'm doing that stupid after-school math stuff, aren't I??
DARIA: True.
QUINN: God, whenever you bring this up, you sound just like Mom.
(Daria shudders.)
DARIA: You just spoke the most hideous sentence in the English language. (Bt) Okay, I'll leave you alone. But would you promise to do me one favor? Remind yourself that you've got natural talent. And keep reminding yourself.
QUINN: (annoyed) All right, Mom.
(Daria smirks a wry "My work here is done," takes a swig of water, and leaves.)
(Cut to shot of the bathroom door as seen from the outside. We see Daria coming out just as Helen, as if on cue, comes rushing past. She's carrying a large, covered object.)
HELEN: (rushed) Daria, would you ask your cousin to come downstairs? Dad and I want to have a little chat with her.
DARIA: Sure.
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (living room, a short time later)
(Cut to shot of the couches. Jake is sitting on the right-hand couch, reading a newspaper. Helen is at work on another multimedia sculpture. We see Erin dash over to them.)
ERIN: Aunt Helen, you wanted to see -- aghhhhh! (cringes when she lays eyes on the sculpture.)
HELEN: Shhh, Erin honey, it's all right.
JAKE: Yeah -- it's just one of your aunt's crazy sculptures!
(Helen turns to look at him, frowning a little at his choice of words. Meanwhile Erin nods and tries to compose herself. She timidly slides over onto the left-hand couch.)
ERIN: It's, um, really... neat, Aunt Helen. What's it supposed to be?
(Pause. Helen looks it over, frowns, then shakes her head.)
HELEN: I don't know. (Bt. cheery) Oh, but Greg, my instructor, urged me to try more wood in this one, so you see how I've lined the base with bits of carving? (taps the area to which she's referring.)
ERIN: (humoring her) Um, uh-huh.
HELEN: He said it was important that I strive to live up to my creative potential. And see, now, Erin sweetheart, that's exactly what I've been wanting to talk with you about. Which is why I decided to forego my art class and put aside the one evening a week that isn't work-related so we could have a serious discussion.
ERIN: Thanks for scheduling me in.
HELEN: No problem, hmm-hmm.
ERIN: But I don't think I need you to help me with my self-esteem, anymore. I met this guy who's really nice and treats me real well and I think he loves me. So I've been feeling a whole lot better about myself.
JAKE: That's great, honey! (gives her a thumbs up.)
HELEN: Don't need help with your self-esteem?? Why that's absurd. (tries to keep the resentment out of her voice, but dammit -- she missed her art class for this!) You don't think falling in love with another boy is going to solve your problems, do you??
ERIN: (surprised) Well, I... thought that's what my problem was: that I didn't know anyone nice.
HELEN: (firm) Erin, honey, until you boost your self-esteem, you're never going to meet someone who's really nice. All you'll get are boys who see a pretty, naive girl whom they can take advantage of.
ERIN: (looking worried) Really?
HELEN: Yes, really. Nice boys want someone who's strong and confident, who shows inner depth and experience.
ERIN: Oh.
HELEN: But don't worry, honey, you'll get there. I've given it a lot of thought, and I think I know the best way for you to correct your problem.
ERIN: (face brightening) Really? What??
HELEN: (briskly) By going back to school and earning your degree. With a degree under your belt, you'll know that you're an accomplished, interesting young woman who's got a lot of value. And if you know it, the boys will, too. You'll be much more likely to attract someone who wants you for yourself rather than for some prehistoric image of what he thinks a woman should be.
ERIN: (subdued) Oh. (She still looks worried, and starts recalling the conversation she had with Daria earlier.) But are you sure nice guys won't want me unless I'm college-educated? I thought --
HELEN: (raising a brow. gentle, but somewhat condescending) Honey, think of what's happened to your mother. Or think of Brian -- now did he try to respect you for who you were?
ERIN: No. (Pause) Aw, but Aunt Helen, I don't know, I mean college just isn't for me --
HELEN: Well then think about my life. You said you wanted your relationship to be like mine with Uncle Jake, didn't you?
ERIN: (face brightening) Oh, definitely! I think it's great the way you two've managed to stay together for so many years.
HELEN & JAKE: (flattered, as when Erin made a similar compliment in "NITF/1") Awwww...!
ERIN: And even when you two separated, it was only for a couple of days. (face falls a little.) When my parents split up, it was, like, the worst thing that had ever happened to me. Sometimes I feel like I've spent half my life trying to make up for it.
HELEN: Well look, don't think I just rushed into marriage. First I went to college, where I lived on my own, filled my mind with all sorts of interesting and meaningful ideas, got involved --
JAKE: (chuckling) Experimented a little...
HELEN: (chuckles uneasily) Yes, hmm-hmmm... experimented a little. With life. (frowns at Jake, before returning to Erin.) Then I paid my own way through law school because my father disapproved of my lifestyle choices... although he thought nothing of buying Rita a Mustang even though her sins were about ten times worse than any I --! (catches herself just in time. chuckles again.) But anyway, through my experiences with school, I strengthened my character and became a far wiser and more thoughtful person than if I had never gone at all. And by the time I was ready to marry, your Uncle Jakey was waiting for me.
JAKE: (beaming) You bet I was.
HELEN: (to Erin) If it happened to me, it can surely happen to you. Now if you have some time, I have a few college brochures that you may be interested in... (reaches down, picks up a briefcase on the floor.)
ERIN: But Aunt Helen, I still don't know if I need to go back to college. (Bt) The guy I like already thinks I have inner depth and life experience, or whatever.
(Pause. Helen sets down the briefcase and she and Jake exchange flabbergasted looks. "Erin -- inner depth??")
JAKE: How??
ERIN: (quietly) He, um... he thinks I can write song lyrics.
HELEN: He does?? (Pause) Well... how nice.
JAKE: Yeah, Erin, that sounds really neat.
HELEN: Well, it may not be college, but it's a step in the right direction, at least. As long as a man thinks you're interesting, he's far more likely to appreciate you into old age.
JAKE: Yeah, look at us -- I'm still learning new stuff about your Aunt Helen. There hasn't been one dull moment around here since she started her sculpting class.
HELEN: Yes, that's right! (Pause. frowns) Hmm, what exactly do you mean, Jake?
JAKE: Oh, nothing! (Pause. chuckles uneasily.) I'm not saying your sculptures are bad -- far from it! It's just been interesting to watch you try to make them.
ERIN: Well anyway, thanks you guys. You've really... cleared up a lot of things for me.
HELEN: (not hearing her. to Jake, an edge in her voice) Sort of like it's been interesting to watch your attempts at cooking.
JAKE: (getting irritated) What d' you mean "attempts"??
ERIN: (standing up) Anyway, I gotta get back upstairs. I'll see you later...
(Still frowning from anxiety, she leaves as their fight picks up.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (Lane residence, afternoon, a couple of days later)
(Shot of the outside. We hear the heavy thuds of rock music being played. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane standing in the basement, watching Mystik Spiral play the song Daria wrote lyrics for. Erin and Trent are singing [and if it makes no sense, that's because the song is chopped up for the sake of length!])
ERIN & TRENT:
What do you do
When the world comes tumbling down??
Where do you go
When nuh-thing's the sa-a-aame?
(As they sing, Daria observes them, frowning mildly.)
DARIA: (thought VO) So could it be what Jane said is true? Trent's starting to go gah-gah for Erin?
(Close-up shot of Erin and Trent from Daria's POV.)
ERIN & TRENT:
Look at the way
They're tearing up the streets.
Look out --
They're turning on their ohhhhhhwn...
(As Erin sings, she creeps closer and closer to Trent, until they're practically touching. Trent appears so consumed in the song, he doesn't notice. Cut to close-up of Daria.)
DARIA: (thought O) Nope.
(Resume shot from her PO. In the midst of singing, Erin turns toward Trent and makes gestures to suggest that she wants him to look at her. Trent doesn't.)
DARIA: (thought O) He's too dense to want her, and she's too dense to know it. They make the perfect couple, all right.
(Cut to wide shot, showing Daria, Jane, and all of Mystik Spiral.)
ERIN & TRENT:
It's too late
To go back to be-gin-dings.
It's too late
To hide out from what's true.
You already know
You have nowhere to go.
'Cause no one's gonna take good care of you.
You are alone, alone, alone
You are al-one!!!! (they bow.)
JANE: (clapping) Who-hoodoo!! Excellent, my friends, excellent. And for once, I'm not just saying that to preserve your fragile egos.
TRENT: (crooked smile) Thanks, Jane.
MAX: (pumping a fist) We're gonna ROCK at the Metreonopolis and then BURN the place down, maaan!!!
JANE: (cocking a brow) The what?
TRENT: The Metreonopolis is a major new club -- in the place where Cafe Lawndale used to be. (vaguely proud.) All the bands in Carter County would eat each other for the chance to play there, but it's gonna be us this Friday night. (looks at Erin, cocks a brow admiringly.) Thanks to you. [*] see postscript (Points of Interest)
MAX/NICK/JESSE: Yeeeeeeah! (victory chant.) Whoo-whooo-whooo-whooo-whoooooo!!!
NICK: I always knew cool stuff would happen to us if we got a chick on board!
MAX: Hey, I knew it first, man!
ERIN: (blushing from the praise) Aw, thanks, Trent...
(Trent smiles at her, then turns in the opposite direction to talk to Jesse.)
TRENT: We're gonna have to work real hard if we wanna be ready in a few days...
(As Trent continues to make plans, Erin gets a look of disappointment on her face that he didn't respond to her more. Then she tries to hide it. Cut to close-up of Daria watching.)
DARIA: (thought VO) I shouldn't feel sorry for her. It's her life, and her right to screw it up however she pleases. I can't protect her from the truth.
(Cut to wider shot. Nick and Max approach Erin.)
NICK: A hot chick like you gives a little class to our act, ya know what I mean?
MAX: Hey quiet, Nicholas! Quit slobbering all over Erin! For someone who thinks he knows class, he sure doesn't got much himself. Right, Erin??
NICK: Shut the hell up, Maxwell!
MAX: Why don't you make me, Nicholas?! (Bt) Hey Erin, you want a guy with real class --
JESSE: (interrupting) Would you children cut it out?? It's obvious none of you could hang with Erin. (turns to her.) If you want a real man, look no further than here. (points to himself.)
MAX & NICK: (outraged) HEY!
(Meanwhile Daria's watching and frowning darkly with envy.)
DARIA: (thought VO) Yes. Shouldn't feel sorry for her.
TRENT: Chill, you guys.
(Erin looks at him and gets an adoring expression once again, thinking that he's staking his own claim.)
ERIN: Yeah. That's really sweet of you three, but I'm looking for someone a little more... mellow. (glances at Trent, who blinks sleepily.)
(Jane rolls her eyes and leans over toward Daria.)
JANE: (hushed) So do you ever plan to tell Erin to back off Trent?
DARIA: (deadpan) I'll get to it eventually.
(Jane groans.)
JANE: Y' know, Daria, regarding your scheme to get Erin and Trent together so you can observe what it's like to be in love, there's just one thing I still don't get.
DARIA: What?
JANE: Why you think you can learn anything from her. I mean look at her, Daria -- she's nothing like you. She's a sweet, naive, disturbingly perky puppy dog, while you're a stoic, cold-hearted, man-eating shark.
DARIA: So I'm sharper-edged than she is. Even major lab experiments have some margin of error.
JANE: Well I just think you're erring big if you think all people in love act the way your cousin does. I mean she's... (stops. looks carefully at Daria.) Unless of course you wanted her to act differently from you.
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Excuse me?
JANE: Ooh, ooh... I'm getting it now. (Bt) If you see Erin acting all giggly and goofy around Trent, you can conclude that love turns normally sane people into mushy-headed fools, and therefore convince yourself once and for all that it's not worth the risk. Am I right?? (smirks with satisfaction at Daria.)
DARIA: (frowning) Were you by chance a radio psychologist in a previous lifetime?
JANE: Daria, this is getting old. You have to be willing to approach Trent sometime -- at least so credit can be given where it's due. (gestures at Trent and Erin.)
TRENT: (to Erin) Say, you think you could put together another song by tomorrow night? You, me, and the boys could try to have it down for the gig.
(Beat. Erin averts her eyes briefly, blushing a little with guilt and discomfort before responding.)
ERIN: Oh... sure. Sure I could.
JANE: (loudly enough for Trent to hear) Gee, Daria, didn't you write some lyrics just a couple of days ago that were really similar to the ones they were singing??
(Erin gets a panic-stricken look on her face. Trent eyes Daria with interest.)
TRENT: Wow, you did?
JANE: Yep. She sure did.
(Trent glances at Erin. Erin looks at Daria with a pleading, desperate expression. Daria cocks an eyelid -- she's reluctant to lie, because she senses it would do more harm than good. But one more look at her cousin's desperate face, and: )
DARIA: (slowly) No. I didn't.
(Jane frowns with exasperation. Why didn't Daria go with this opportunity?? Trent looks confused for a moment, but then shrugs his shoulders. Erin's face relaxes, and she laughs weakly.)
ERIN: Yeah... she gave me some ideas... if they seem the same th-that's why... (Pause. sees Jane's skeptical face and Daria's deadpan expression, and finally wilts.) Aw, I can't keep lying about this. These are Daria's lyrics. She wrote the song.
(Trent looks confused again, and turns his attention to Daria. She, herself, is stunned that Erin would risk her prospects with Trent by confessing. Finally she shrugs affirmatively.)
TRENT: Daria's lyrics, hmm? (closes his eyes thoughtfully.) Hmmmm...
ERIN: T-Trent?
(Trent remains silent, with his eyes closed and a mild frown upon his lips. He's in a meditative trance, pondering the new turn of events, but Erin thinks that he's so angry he can't even look at her. She starts trembling a little and moves toward the basement stairs.)
ERIN: I-I'm sorry... I-I should really... go....
(She dashes up the stairs and is out the door before anyone can react. When she realizes what happened, Daria gets a faintly regretful look on her face. Trent opens his eyes, looks up with astonishment.)
TRENT: Whoa. Why'd she do that?
NICK: Dammit, Trent, you scared her away!!
JESSE: Maybe it's just her time of the month, or something.
JANE: (also with faint regret) Geez, I was hoping she wouldn't take it so hard.
DARIA: (deadpan) Jane, I want you to know something. (Bt) I'm not interested in Trent. Nor have I been for a long time.
(Jane gazes at her for several seconds with a dumbfounded expression. Then finally she rolls her eyes and tosses her hands in the air.)
JANE: (exasperated) Well now you tell me!
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer house, early evening)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria, having just come through the door into the living room. She walks into the center of the room and stops. Makes a motion toward the guest room, as if she's thinking of walking over to it, but then stops again. What if she finds Erin crying her eyes out?? She doesn't want to be in a position where she'd have to console her. Instead, Daria goes upstairs. fade-out.)
(Fade-in to shot of her sitting on her bed, the phone in her lap. Slowly she picks up the receiver, sees there's a dial tone. She dials Amy's number.)
DARIA: (thought VO) You're the one who started this whole thing. You're the one who can help it make sense to me.
(She waits until the phone rings four times, then rolls her eyes at what's obviously coming next -- the answering machine recording. A male voice comes on first -- Joel's. His voice is faux deep and gloomy, like a mortician's.)
JOEL: You have reached the residence of Amy Barksdale. Alas, poor Amy cannot take your call, for she is no longer with us. She has suffered a ghastly, horrrrrrrific death, and -- (Suddenly we hear a faint sound on the recording.) Wait, what's that??
FEMALE VOICE: (low moaning) Ughhhhhhhh...
JOEL: (faux shock) Amy? Is that you??
AMY: UGHHHHHHHHHHH!
DARIA: (thought VO) God, you two are the worst actors to emerge since Adam Sandler hit the big screen.
JOEL: Good lord, she's risen from the dead! She's... she's... (suddenly bursts into chuckles and is unable to finish his sentence.)
(Pause)
AMY: (in her normal voice) God dammit, you wrecked the... (starts chuckling, too.)
(Daria rolls her eyes as the uncontrolled chuckling ends with the answering machine's beep. She starts to put the phone back on the hook, when suddenly we hear a click on the other end.)
AMY: (rushed) Hello??
(Pause. Daria lays the phone against her ear once again, shocked by the sudden response. She tries to collect her thoughts.)
AMY: Hel-loh-ohhh?
(Daria's about to respond, when we hear another click and the rapid pressing of buttons, accompanied by husky breathing and sniffles.)
AMY: Who the hell is this??
ERIN: (from another receiver. husky) Aunt Amy?
(Pause)
AMY: (stunned) Erin? (Bt) Oh... hi.
(Daria can't help but smirk at the discomfort Amy must be feeling. Cut to shot of Erin sitting in the Morgendorffer's kitchen, huddled over the cordless phone, her eyes bloodshot from crying. Split the screen to show Amy on the left. She's lying on her stomach on the couch, looking pretty much the way she did in "Through a Lens Darkly." As Daria anticipated, she's wearing an uncomfortable frown -- Erin's not exactly her "favorite niece.")
ERIN: Wow (sniff), I never thought I'd get a chance to hear from you.
AMY: (sort of mumbling) Yeah, well... your Aunt Helen told me you were staying here, so...
ERIN: I thought you hated me because I broke your Led Zeppelin records when I was three.
(long Pause)
ERIN: Aunt Amy?
(long Pause)
AMY: (through clenched teeth) Oh-ho, no... I'm completely over that. (Bt) So what's up?
ERIN: Oh gosh, I don't know (sniff). I don't know where to begin. (heaves a sob.) I mean everything was fine -- great in fact -- but now I'm just getting so confused, and maybe you could help me 'cause I don't know who else I can turn to and I was gonna call one of my girl friends but I don't think they could help me and I already --
AMY: (looking confused) Okay, okay. Just slow down -- I can barely follow you.
ERIN: All right. (big sniffle, sob.) It's just I met this g-g-guy and it s-seemed as though we were really hitting it off and he was falling in love with me --
(Amy cocks her brow in an "Oh I'll bet" manner.)
ERIN: -- but he just found out that I didn't write these song lyrics, so now he no longer thinks I'm deep and he probably thinks I'm a big liar, too -- even though I only wanted to get his attention with them, I wasn't going to pass myself off as the writer forever --
AMY: (gentle-firm, trying to get her to slow down) Erin.
ERIN: -- and I would've told him sooner if Aunt Helen hadn't said that nice guys only date deep girls a-and this guy's so nice and I didn't want to lose him. (sniffle, sob.) The only other option was if I went back to college like Aunt Helen suggested, but I don't think I could. I would if I were as smart as Daria -- but I'm not! (big sob, starts crying harder.)
(Beat. Amy looks stunned that someone like Erin would compliment someone like Daria. Her chilliness toward her least-favorite niece thaws ever so slightly. At the same time, she's picked up a faint, suppressed gasp not coming from Erin's end. She half-smirks upon realizing that there's an eavesdropper on their conversation.)
AMY: Look, Erin, you have to buck up. You can't burst into tears every time life hands you a problem. There'll be a lot of them throughout your lifetime, so you'd better learn how to handle them.
ERIN: (deep breath, sniffle) Okay.
AMY: Now what is this you said about going back to college?
ERIN: (sniff, sniff) Aunt Helen said that's the only way I can become deep and life-experienced enough, or whatever...
(Beat)
AMY: Uh-huh. I see. (smirks.) Hmm, sounds like another one of those times when Aunt Helen is one-third right, two-thirds wrong.
ERIN: Huh? What do you mean?
AMY: Just consider this my personal opinion . She's right in that most people find their soul mates when they're mature enough to know who suits them best -- and that maturity comes after years of life experience. But she's wrong to make you think the only way you can get that experience is to blow a hundred grand on an education.
ERIN: Well then how else do I get it?
AMY: (suppressing a chuckle) Try through living. (Bt) Look, thousands upon thousands of people who never went to college still became very wise through years of trial and error. You aren't a loser just because you don't want to go.
ERIN: (relieved) Th-thanks.
AMY: At the same time, you want my advice? (Bt) Try to let go of that guy you like so much.
ERIN: (flabbergasted) Let go of him?!
AMY: (with mild exasperation) I just mean don't be so hung-up on what he thinks of you. If you're ever going to mature as a person, you really should live on your own for a while. Try taking a few risks, test your personal limits, and see what happens.
ERIN: (confused, slightly annoyed) Live on my own?? But the whole point is that I don't want to be alone. I want a boyfriend.
AMY: (rolling her eyes. frank) Hey, listen, if you live on your own, you may find that you can actually be happy. Then you'll be less eager to go after any half-decent guy to be your boyfriend -- and be more likely to find the right guy.
(Beat)
ERIN: (disbelief) Has that ever worked?
AMY: I'd like to think it's working for me.
(Beat)
ERIN: I-I don't know... I'm supposed to be singing with this guy at a club on Friday.
AMY: (vague interest) Singing, eh? (Bt) Well then at least put the idea in the back of your mind to think about afterward.
ERIN: I... guess I could do that. (Bt) But Aunt Amy: what if this guy decides to ask me over to his house afterward to spend the night? Do you think I should??
AMY: (cocking a brow with amused exasperation) Have you even been listening to what I just told you?? (Bt) Besides, I'm not the kind of person who would endorse going home to sleep with someone you just met, especially after a few drinks. [*] see postscript (Points of Interest)
ERIN: Yeah, I didn't think you would. (Bt) Anyway, thanks for talking with me about this. (Bt) It's made me feel better... I think.
AMY: Good. I'll see you around then. (cocks a brow.) And good luck.
(Erin nods, hangs up the phone, and leaves. Amy leans closer to the phone. [Assume that during their conversation, she's been shifting around on the couch, playing with her glasses, et cetera. This is a long phone scene.])
AMY: You still there, Daria?
(Erin's empty screen gets replaced by that of Daria up in her room, wearing a deadpan expression.)
DARIA: How'd you guess I was listening?
AMY: (smirking) Call it intuition. So did you learn anything from my chat with your cousin?
DARIA: Just that love is a hell of a lot more confusing than I ever thought possible. And that if you're not really careful, you'll wind up with a dud for a boyfriend.
AMY: (groaning) Daria...
DARIA: What I don't get is how we can be approaching the Millennium and still have people like Erin stuck in a Fifties mindset. She's got talent -- why doesn't she seem to care?
AMY: (shifting into an upright position) Who knows? Maybe because not enough people told her she could succeed on just her talent. Certainly I never did. While she was growing up, I'd see her do these cute little talented things, but I was too pissed-off that she'd stolen my mother's love to ever praise her.
DARIA: (surprised by this revelation) Oh.
AMY: Her mom's no slouch, either -- not that I ever told her so. (smirks resignedly.) But maybe it's not too late. So Erin's singing at a club, huh?
DARIA: Yeah, with Trent. That's the guy she was talking about.
AMY: (surprised) Your Trent?
DARIA: (emphatic) Not my Trent, any longer. If I had any doubts about how I felt about him, they were put to rest when he flaked out on the multimedia project Jane and I were working on for school. Now he's just Jane's brother, nothing more. [*] see "Jane's Addition"
AMY: I see...
DARIA: But still, he's a nice guy, and I've received enough knocks to know that nice guys should not be taken for granted. So I figured if I couldn't fully appreciate him, then maybe Erin could.
AMY: (wry) No question about that.
DARIA: (blushing) And since nice guys that I actually could feel something for don't seem to exist in Lawndale, I thought I could learn from watching a relationship between Erin and Trent. Erin and I may be miles apart in our personalities, but love is love -- or so I thought.
AMY: Or so you thought, indeed. (face softens.) But hey, Daria, don't worry: you may not have anyone you like now, but --
DARIA: (grumbling) Yeah, yeah, I heard what you said to Erin. (blushes.) But sometimes it's hard. There are things I want to know right now... (blushes harder -- this is leading up to the stuff she's been planning to ask.)
AMY: (encouraging) Like...?
DARIA: Like whether love, um... (mumbles, she's so embarrassed.) changes you into a different person. (Bt) Well does it??
AMY: Hmm... I don't think so.
DARIA: Oh really? (Bt. slight edge in her voice.) 'Cause from what I've seen from you, it sure seems that way. You haven't been yourself since you got back together with your boyfriend.
AMY: (amused, annoyed) Oh you think so, eh?
DARIA: Yeah. You've been almost as perky as Erin... or Quinn. It's like you've permanently ascended to Cloud Nine. (emphatic.) Well I don't think I could handle that kind of change in myself. There are certain cynical truths I've come to in my life that I don't want undermined.
(Cut to full shot of Amy in her living room. She rolls her eyes in a benevolent "Damn, I've got a lot of explaining to do" way, and stands up. As she talks, she paces the room.)
AMY: (firm) Look, take it from someone who's spent a lot more time with me than you have. I don't feel like a different person. I've been a happy person, true. But believe it or not, happiness is an emotion I'm capable of feeling, and I don't think it's such a crime to indulge in it every so often.
(Cut to shot of Daria. She nods slowly. Resume shot of Amy. She pauses in front of a leather chair which, although nice, seems to clash somewhat with the living room's decor. Looks at it with a thoughtful frown.)
AMY: At the same time, I haven't lost all perspective, if that's what you're afraid of. Cynical little me is there as much as I ever was. And I know for a fact that love isn't about permanent bliss.
(Cut to split screen, with Daria on the right.)
DARIA: Then what is it about?
AMY: It's... about... (strains to think of the right words.) challenging yourself. I know it sounds corny, like something a health-and-fitness guru would say, but it's true.
DARIA: Would you care to elaborate?
AMY: It's... not becoming someone different, but just learning to handle things better. Since Joel and I got back together, he's had to give a little, and I've had to give a little. We've been trying to work out the crazy stuff that caused us to split up in the first place.
(Beat)
DARIA: (slightly subdued) Do you think it's been worth it?
(Pause. For a moment, a conflicted expression crosses Amy's face. Then she nods slowly.)
AMY: Yes, it's worth it. (smirks.) Look, what I said to Erin works for you, too, and it works for me. We as human beings need to open ourselves up to risk, or else we're in danger of missing out on a lot wonderful experiences. Erin shouldn't hide from life behind a guy, you shouldn't be afraid of having a relationship, and I... shouldn't duck away from the difficulties in a relationship. (Bt) The work may not easy, but the fringe benefits are worth it, Daria, believe me.
(Beat)
DARIA: (nodding slowly, looking relieved) Okay, I believe you.
AMY: Good. (cocks a wry brow.) That said, when do you think you'll find time in your busy schedule to talk to Joel?
DARIA: (smirking sheepishly) Depends. Maybe after you've changed the message on your answering machine.
AMY: (chuckle softly) Will do. It was fun for a while -- especially when it nearly gave your grandmother a heart attack. But it's time for something more... normal.
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (Metreonopolis, Friday night)
(Shot of the outside. There's a large neon sign overhead and flood lights streaking across the sky, suggesting that this is a "happening" place. Cut to shot of the inside. There are several small tables scattered around the room, as well as a stage, a la the old Cafe Lawndale style. Actually, everything looks the same as it did at Cafe Lawndale, except for the fact that the interior bears a techno-futuristic look. Yet for some reason, it seems to be highly valued by the young late teen-twenty-something crowd. The tables, as well as a nearby bar, are packed with people from Lawndale and other towns. Daria, Jane, and Tom are sitting at one in the middle of the room, sipping virgin drinks -- or at least Daria and Jane's are virgins. Mystik Spiral is setting up in the front.)
JANE: (to Daria. disbelief) Didn't want to tell me because he was my brother and you thought it'd hurt my feelings? Please, Daria, you've abused me in far worse ways as a friend. Besides, you know I'd never set you up with someone who wasn't suited to you.
DARIA: (deadpan) Okay. Then it was because I drew sadistic pleasure from watching you try repeatedly to set me up with Trent, and I didn't want it to end.
JANE: Now that's more like it. (Bt.) Although... (wicked and sympathetic.) I think I have yet another reason. Could it be that being with Trent had been a fantasy of yours for so long, you were afraid to let go? Even when you knew it would no longer work?
(Daria does the averting-her-eyes and blushing thing again.)
DARIA: That's it. Your Ph.D in Psychology will be mailed to you shortly, pending your return of overdue library books.
JANE: (smirking) Thanks -- I aim to over-analyze. (Bt. looks up at the stage.) But hey, you know, maybe I'll be wrong about the potential for Erin and Trent to be a couple. (shrugs.) They just might work together.
DARIA: (also looking at the stage) Or at least they might form a close professional relationship.
(Cut to shot of the stage. Erin is perched on a stool, not too far from where Trent is standing. She has a conflicted, semi-anxious look on her face. Both Helen's and Amy's advice swirl about in her mind, and now she's not sure how to behave around Trent. Right now, she's acting as though she's trying not to look at him. Just then, Trent finishes testing the mike and saunters over to her.)
TRENT: Hey.
ERIN: Oh... um... hi.
TRENT: Sorry I scared you a few days ago. It's been so long since we got any new people for Mystik Spiral, I'd forgotten how to act around them.
ERIN: (surprised) Oh... that's okay.
TRENT: Here, I got this for you. (reaches into his pocket, pulls out a guitar pick on a chain, and hands it to Erin.) The guy who sold it to me at a Grateful Dead concert said Jerry Garcia might've used it.
ERIN: (looking at it, awed) Thank you, Trent.
TRENT: It's just for tonight -- I let all first-timers wear it for good luck.
ERIN: (putting it around her neck) Thanks.
(Cut to shot of Daria, Jane, and Tom.)
TOM: Hey, wouldn't it be something if this gig was actually the beginning of Mystik Spiral's rise?? If the band actually broke out after this and became a... (sees Daria look off screen and get a mild frown.) What's the matter?
DARIA: I just saw something very disturbing. (points.)
(Cut to their POV. At the bar, lounging on a stool, is Brian [did you really think he'd stay away??]. He's absorbed in polishing off his third beer and in receiving the caresses of a female escort.)
JANE: (off screen) Yeh-oh... the irate husband.
(Just then, as Brian sets down his beer, he notices who is on the stage. After gazing with shock for a few seconds, he pushes his date away and comes charging up to where Erin and Trent are standing.)
BRIAN: (angry) Erin, what're you doing here?!
ERIN: Brian?? (Pause. face lights up.) You came! I knew you'd come look for me! I mean -- (sobers up.) dammit, Brian, we're through! You never once tried to call me this week.
BRIAN: Oh yeah?! Well the minute I turn my back, you're breathing down the neck of some pencil-thin asshole!!
TRENT: (trying to calm him down) Hey, man --
BRIAN: Keep your hands off my wife!!
(Pause. Trent looks at Erin with surprise.)
TRENT: Wife?
ERIN: (to Brian) Not anymore, I'm not!
BRIAN: (to Trent) You punk! You did this to her! Well I'll teach you --!
(He lunges at Trent and swings rather clumsily, easily missing his face. Trent tries to push him away. Then Jesse steps in to intervene.)
JESSE: Hey, chill out, mister --
(Brian swings again and hits Jesse rather weakly on the shoulder. Still, the momentum is enough to knock Jesse backwards into Max. Max looks stunned, then bursts into tears.)
MAX: Oww! That huuuuurt!
TRENT: (to Brian. angry) Hey, man, if you want to pick a fight with me, lay off my friends.
JANE: (off screen) Whoo, you tell 'im, bro!
(Cut to shot of her, Daria, and Tom.)
TOM: Yikes -- things're gettin' ugly up there.
DARIA: (deadpan) I suppose one of us should intervene.
JANE: (nonchalant) Nah. I'm sure those two lads will work it out.
(Resume shot of the stage. Brian inches closer to Trent.)
BRIAN: You shut your mouth, dickhead!
ERIN: Brian!
(She tries to restrain him as he makes another swing at Trent. But the way in which she's holding him back makes him vulnerable to the defensive punch which Trent sends his way. It lands squarely on his jaw and sends him backwards. We watch in slo-mo as Brian falls off the stage and plunges to the ground -- out cold. Cut to shot of Daria, Jane, and Tom.)
JANE: Ooh... that wasn't good.
DARIA: Nope.
(Cut to shot of Erin and Trent. At first, both of them stare down at Brian in shock. Then Erin turns and looks dazedly at Trent. Trent continues to stare at Brian and rub his now-swollen knuckles. Erin looks at Trent, then at Brian, then at Trent, then at Brian. Finally she gives Trent one last, apologetic look, removes the guitar pick necklace, and hands it back to him. Trent watches as she hops off stage and goes over to help Brian, his face vaguely regretful.)
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 6 (Morgendorffer house, the next day)
(Shot of the outside. We see Brian's Range Rover parked out front. Cut to shot of the inside. Daria's standing near the front entrance, just as Erin comes over, carrying one of many, many bags of new clothes. You can pretty much guess what OH is thinking right now -- some pitying thoughts, some sarcastic thoughts.)
ERIN: (bubbly) Isn't it great, Daria? He really does love me and was missing me this entire time!
DARIA: Nothing like a gruesome bar fight to expose a man's cuddly side.
ERIN: And so I don't have to worry about going to college or living on my own to find the right guy, because I've had him all along!
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) You're sure, now?
ERIN: Oh, definitely! And we're going to have a wonderful life together, I just know it!
DARIA: Uh-huh.
ERIN: But listen: thanks for helping me out with Trent. That was really sweet of you.
DARIA: No big deal. Had to unleash that psychotic altruistic part of me at some point.
ERIN: Maybe someday you'll find someone special. (Bt. wrinkles her nose.) But I wouldn't go with Trent if I were you. He's got this wild, dangerous side that I don't think even I could tame.
DARIA: (cocking a droll eyelid) Really?
(Just then Quinn bounds downstairs with a gift for her cousin. Helen and Jake follow soon after from the guest room, carrying the rest of Erin's bags.)
QUINN: Here's an extra bottle of pink lemonade nail polish. I don't need it.
ERIN: (accepting it) Thanks.
HELEN: (setting down the bags, reaching over to hug Erin) Now, Erin honey, be sure to -- (interrupted by honking off screen.)
BRIAN: (off screen) Hey Erin! I can't wait all year!
(The four Morgendorffers frown, but Erin just rolls her eyes with loving tolerance.)
ERIN: (cheerful) Well, my man's calling me. I'd better go!
(She hugs Helen harder, then Jake, Quinn, and Daria. Takes hold of all the clothing bags and heads out the door.)
HELEN/JAKE/QUINN: Bye!/ Take care of yourself!/ Give us a call when you can!
(Daria cocks an eyelid. As the Range Rover heads off, Helen closes the door, looking resigned.)
(fade-out. fade-in to:)
SCENE 7 (Morgendorffer house, that evening)
(Close-up shot of Daria sitting on the center couch in the living room, looking through Amy's photos once again. This time, she wears a more tranquil expression. After several seconds of looking at one, she passes it to her left. Pan over to show Quinn taking it, looking it over.)
QUINN: He's cute, but he could really use a new wardrobe.
DARIA: (sardonic) I'm sure he'd be grateful to hear it.
QUINN: (frowning mildly) No, he wasn't. (Bt) He just, like, laughed at me, or whatever. He's weird.
(Daria at first gets a funny look on her face when she realizes Quinn has spoken to Amy's beau. Then, when she absorbs his reaction, a smirk plays across her lips.)
QUINN: Hey, Daria? Y' know, it was fun having Erin stay with us, but I'm glad I'm not like her, after all.
DARIA: (now really surprised) You are??
QUINN: Yeah -- I mean it's fun to look good and dress nice so you can go out with guys, but if that was all I ever cared about, I would be soooooo bored. I'm making it my goal to lead a really interesting life.
(Beat. Daria smirks.)
DARIA: Funny, that's my goal, too.
QUINN: (stunned) It is??
DARIA: Yep. And on these rare occasions when we actually agree on something, a moment of silence is required. (Quinn frowns and nods, and there's a ten-second Pause.) Now pass me the phone.
THE END [roll the credits: "Alone," by Kara Wild]
(I think these lyrics stink, and Daria probably thought so, too, when she "wrote" them. ; > The song sort of has a Y2K apocalyptic theme, or whatever. Anyway, here they are in full:)
What do you do
When the world comes tumbling down?
Where do you go
When nothing's the same?
How can you learn
The way to return,
Return to the day you knew your name?
Look at the way
They're tearing up the streets
Look out --
They're turning on their own.
That's when you know
You have nowhere to go.
Better face the fact that you are all alone.
And you wander through the street.
It's night; your breath chills in the air.
And everyone you meet
Won't even take the time to stare.
They all want to go their way.
They've all got to live their lives.
The world they're forming from decay
Is one where happy few survive.
Few survive...
Each place you go
You meet with strangers.
Even the folks
You thought you knew.
How do you make
A clean break from the past?
Better figure out a plan before you're through.
It's too late
To go back to beginnings.
It's too late
To hide out from what's true.
You already know
You have nowhere to go.
'Cause no one's gonna take good care of you.
You are alone, alone, alone
You are al-ooooooooone.
(Depressing, eh? Only from Daria... or someone masquerading as her...)
COMMENTARY
This fanfic began with a loony laugh and a "Wouldn't that be funny?!" The insane moment occurred while I was writing the moment in "None in the Family, Part Two" when Brian makes an offhand reference to "Erin eyeing some skinny-ass rock musician in torn pants at a gas station." From that point, I decided to write a rather silly fanfic that would be as much a sequel to "'Shipped Out" as it would to "None in the Family."
As it turned out, the fanfic wasn't too silly. Blame it on my damned tendency to humanize -- I just couldn't make Erin look like too much of, well... an airhead. ; > I realized quickly that if I did, she would grate on the reader's nerves more quickly than Val did in "The Lost Girls" (and I kept praying, as I wrote, that Erin didn't seem too much like Val). I also thought it would make things more interesting; Daria, instead of scorning Erin and attempting to thwart her desires, would take pity on her and even gasp empathize to a certain extent. A lot of the reader's enjoyment of this fic rests on whether you were able to pity Erin even a little. If you didn't... oh well! I tried...
I thought it'd be worthwhile to attempt a fanfic about a member of Helen's family other than Amy, and the more I mulled it over, the more I realized that both Rita and Erin have probably led volatile cartoon lives that would be interesting to document. Of course, we don't know much about either of them. In "I Don't," Erin's few lines point to her being dependent on a man for her self-esteem, and also on her being a potential brat (the way she snapped at Rita about her boyfriend). However, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt as far as brattiness was concerned, so in this fic, she comes across more as a grown-up Stacy.
I tried to fit in as many "I Don't" references as possible, including one to Daphne, one of the three bridesmaids. Yet try as I might, I could not fit in an appearance by Luhrman -- although I'd like to think I sort of made up for it with the appearance of Tad and Tricia Gupty. There was also a brief flashback scene I had to cut, in which Helen threw up on the minister. Whoops... I shouldn't've told you that.
Another thing I wanted to do with this fanfic is address some 'shipper/anti-'shipper issues that took place since the posting of"'Shipped Out" in early June 1999. In particular, there's the notorious peck on the cheek Trent gives Daria at the end of "Jane's Addition." Contrary to what 'shippers may believe, the title "Erin the Head" does not refer to her 'shipper-esque tendency to glamorize Trent so much as it does to Daria and Jane's early perception of Erin. But if you think about it, poor ol' Erin really isn't so misguided; she knows that what she wants more than anything is to have a stable, loving relationship, and she'll do what she has to to get one. While I managed to mock some 'shippery things, like the kiss, I realized that it would be foolish to attempt another "'Shipped Out." So instead, I dwelt upon Daria's fear of/longing for a relationship, and of all of the relationships around her.
IMO, the thing this fic does most successfully is display different people's mindsets about relationships: Erin, Daria, Jane, Rita, Helen and Jake, Amy, and even Quinn. In particular, I enjoyed settling the cliffhanger of whether Amy would reunite with her beau. Heck, after a four-fanfic absence, I was just happy to bring Amy back. I hadn't originally meant for her to play such a large role; her appearance in Act Three was supposed to come out of nowhere. But then I thought that her relationship would serve as a nice middle ground between Erin's dependency on men and Daria's resistance to them, and I think the phone conversation tied all three together pretty well. I'll admit that I purposely played up the Daria/Amy "mirror image" thing this time around, to show that Daria identified strongly enough with her aunt to fear that any distasteful changes in Amy could take place in her.
In addition, the purists (whoever you are) may scoff all they want, but I get a big kick out of writing a relationship for the Famous Aunt. ; > Sure, on the show she might be shown as single, or dating someone who is not named Joel, or as a lesbian (which would really make things difficult for me), but for now, we don't know. I guess that places me in the same spot as 'shipper writers, in the sense that their work is based on ambiguity and speculation. And for those of you who may have wondered: I'm not trying to tease you with the question "when's Daria going to talk to Amy's boyfriend?" I just haven't found a smooth way to work him into a plot line. (Actually, he plays a large part in a fanfic I've got planned down the road, but it's a ways down the road, so I won't start dropping hints just yet.) If you want to remember what he's like, just reread "The Tie That Chokes" and "That Thing You Say."
The weakest parts of this fanfic, IMO, are the bits where Daria hides from Jane that she's no longer interested in Trent. First of all, I don't know if anyone was fooled into thinking that Daria had re-fallen for Trent since "'Shipped Out" -- although I left hints that she might in "None in the Family, Part One." Second, I'm sure to many people it seemed doubtful that Daria would hide something like that from Jane. But then again, Daria and Jane must have some secrets they keep from each other, and the reasons Daria gave for not telling were certainly plausible. I just figured that the mere possibility that Erin was competition for Daria might have added some tension to the plot. Luckily, the entire plot line did not hinge on the mystery; if you were never fooled, you may have at least taken interest in Daria's "Cyrano" turn.
The thing I discovered first and foremost while writing this is that I was trekking across very familiar territory in fanficdom. I wonder whether any of what Daria said in this fic hasn't already been said in a previous one. ; > Maybe that's why I mostly steer clear of shippery stuff; I like to touch on subjects that I imagine haven't been dealt with before. Anyway, as I've said elsewhere, this will be my last D/T-related fanfic. If I want Daria to have a bit of romance, it will be with someone else...
Overall, I'd call this fic decent, thoughtful, but not brilliant. Things got a little muddled in Act Three, I think. And as usual, Act Three was too long for my taste. Ah well...
Now on to... Points of Interest
"Evil Seventies Revival": As I've determined, Erin is 1-2 years older than I am (I was 20; she was 21 in the first Daria year). The revival of 1970's fashions (and yes, it was evil), hit my high school during my sophomore year, so it would have stricken while Erin was in high school as well. Miraculously, I managed to steer clear until it tapered out. Now I think we're in the 1980's revival period (vest, anyone?).
Erin Chambers Fan Club: Many of us agree that "Chambers" is Erin's surname by birth, "Danielson" her surname by marriage.
Quinn the math brain: I spoke of this a little in the "Of Absolute Value" postscript, but Quinn's math prowess and Daria's encouragement of it are not contradictions to "Quinn the Brain." There, Quinn is a charlatan English brain who eventually grows tired of her charade. Here, she's got real talent which she's still not sure how to apply. I believe Daria's resentment toward Quinn in QTB had less to do with Quinn showing she was genuinely smart than with her showing how her lack of smartness was still getting rewarded. People called her a "brain" even when she wrote bad poetry, forcing Daria to question what it meant to be a brain. Here, Quinn's talent would pass muster under any circumstance; her braininess is something Daria would have no problem recognizing, and thus, Daria does not feel threatened by it -- especially because Quinn's talent does not compete in the same subject area as her own. That's why we see Daria encouraging Quinn to study, instead of being secretly glad that her sister is floundering. It's a way they could conceivably be brought closer together -- but you will see that Daria's jealousy will come into play in future fanfics. There will be another Quinn-centric fanfic coming up not too far down the road...
Helen and Jake's marriage: I'll confess, my primary reason for having the scene between Helen, Jake, and Erin in Act Three was to pinpoint where H and J are in their marriage right now. As we can see, things seem to be business as usual, but there are undercurrents of hostility that will also get played out in a fanfic not too far down the road...
Metreonopolis/Cafe Lawndale: If you recall, Cafe Lawndale got closed down at the end of "Cafe Disaffecto." If you also recall, I resurrected it in "The Tie That Chokes" as a cafe with a sort of police state mentality. I just thought it'd be worth a chuckle if it got remodeled yet again into a "happening" new club. ; > The name "Metreonopolis" is derived from the Metreon in San Francisco, a new, overrated I-MAX theatre with a futuristic decor.
Going home and sleeping with someone you barely know: Obviously, that's my second reference to "Thicker Than Water" by Danny Bronstein and C.E. Forman. In it, Amy does, indeed, go to Trent's house to sleep with him after they've barely met. I still get a kick out of this fanfic, and I think it served as something of an inspiration for ETH. If Amy could get together with Trent, then why not Erin, who at least is the same age as he is??
More Kara Wild canon fodder: In Act Three, Amy makes a reference to the resentment she felt during Erin's early years. Here is the context as I have created it: during the first three-four years of Erin's life, her parents shared the house in Rutherford with Grandma and Grandpa Barksdale and Amy. At the time, Amy was a surly teenager who did not take kindly to her house being dominated by a pixie-cute little "brat." Therefore, she took pains to not be nice to her. Down the road, I might write a fanfic about this; it would be outside the bounds of The Driven Wild Universe.
Aftermath of "'Shipped Out": When I wrote "'Shipped Out," I imagined that I would get flamed almost immediately, that scores of 'shippers would tell me to go to hell and how dare I poke holes in their dream. Luckily, that never happened. Several 'shippers displayed some uneasiness, but there was no outright hostility. People confessed that although they didn't agree with my vision, I had presented it credibly enough that it could not be stricken down. I suspect my fic may have gained extra credibility from "Lane Miserables," which has some scenes that are very similar to SO's (the older Daria/Trent fantasy; Daria taking Quinn's advice). Anyhow, all SO is is an alternative to a 'shipper fic, nothing more, nothing less. It's not a flaming manifesto, a declaration of war, what have you. ; > I'd like to think it made some anti-'shippers feel a little more comfortable with coming out of the closet (some were already out), along with some of the real episodes. All I can say is thank God for "Jane's Addition": at last the possibility of Jane and Jesse getting together has been stricken dead!!
Now it's time for another THE MYSTERIES OF
This time, we'll explore the mystery of "Beat." "Why Kara," people ask, "do you put so many 'Beat's in your fanfics? What do they mean??"
Well, it's pretty simple. For me, as for many authors, "Beat" is a short pause. I just tend to point out all of the short pauses more than most, which is why I've shortened it to "Bt." Usually the pause is for dramatic effect, so an important sentence is isolated a little more, allowing the reader to dwell on it and to absorb its full impact. For example:
DARIA: Jane, I want you to know something. (Bt) I'm not interested in Trent. Nor have I been for a long time.
The "Bt" allows you a nanosecond's pause before reading the all-important second sentence. (Best school-teacher voice) Here's a little game: write the bit of dialogue without the "Bt," and see if you read it differently. Ooh what fun!
"Beat" is also good for helping the characters change subjects without having it seem too awkward. I'm too lazy to dredge up an example, so just take my word for it. ; >
Oops!
I forgot to mention last time the origin of Daria's contract reading in "Surreal World." If you recall, towards the end of Act Two, before she drew Sandi's wrath, she was studying all of the "do nots" of her contract. Where that comes from is the regulations the "Road Rules"/ "Real World" executives place in the cast members' contracts. In one case, a member of the "Road Rules: South America" team had to be sent home for hitting a fellow cast member, even though they had worked things out afterward. In another case, one casanova from "Real World: Seattle" got in big trouble for dating an executive with the show. I believe that their behavior was wrong, but the thing is: these shows will let cast members nearly drink themselves to death and sleep with each other at random, yet they draw a stark line at other, equally-bad forms of behavior. I say if they can't be consistent, they ought to just live and let live. This is voyeuristic television, is it not? ; >
Acknowledgements
Gosh, I don't know if I have anyone to thank this time around. Maybe I'll just be thankful for the resurrection of Lawndale Commons, and for the Daria movie coming out next fall. And that it's Y2K and we're A-OK. Gee, how many times have you heard that one?? ; >
To those of you who have my stuff showing at your web sites: if you don't have a URL, and I haven't sent you my latest fic(s), just write a polite e-mail to bug me... :-)
And please, if you're going to take your web sites down, could you at least warn me so I have a chance to mourn??!
If anyone'd like to join my mailing list, e-mail me at scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu
"Y2K, and we're OK... Y2K, in old Bombay!!" Anyone ever heard that song, "Bombs Away," by the Police? Thanks for reading!
This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright January 2000. All rights reserved.
