All's fair in Love and War

By: Soleia Nova

Disclaimer: I own this about as much as Jar-jar Binks is real. Need I say more?

A/N: Major thanx in advance to all who review and the Almighty Chaotica, and I hope my fic does not cause your brain to rot further. Oh, and once I can get someone to post them for me, there will be art to go with this fic. Let's just hope you guys like them better than I do (we artists are so judgmental). And now. on with the fic!

Chapter two: Tournaments and revelations (not to mention a possible butt kickin' for the Tallest)

Bold: emphasis

Italics: thoughts

*Asterisks*: flashbacks



The next morning Zim awoke and dressed appropriately for the first day of the tournament. Bringing Gir along with him for company when he didn't have to fight, Zim headed for the arena, glaring dangerously at anyone who dared to look at him for too long. The judges were reluctant to let a last minute entry participate, but when he reminded him of who was taller, they let him in muttering something about a 'stupid technicality'. In the backstage area of the arena he congregated with all the other fighters, noticing that he and one other fighter were the tallest in the room. The rest of the Irkens were significantly smaller, but some were definitively brawnier, some appeared to be very clever, and others just looked plain dangerous. There were only a few females who were either tough enough or crazy enough to join the tournament and all in question were in the room with him right now. Including the other tall figure, who unlike the rest of the Irkens, who wore bright, loud colors, was draped in nothing but black from head to toe and was leaning against the wall calmly awaiting for her number to be called.

As the first fight was announced, the rest of the fighters were ushered into a high room to watch the battle commence. The first fight was over quickly, a brawny male beating a sneaky-looking wraith into a bloody pulp. The next few fights went similarly, until it was the tall girl's turn and she jumped onto a floating platform that brought her down to the fighter's arena. Each fighter got to choose one weapon beforehand, and only if they made it to the finals could they bring their own. The male that the Girl was facing picked a small stunner, thinking that he would get close enough to use it, while she picked small extending staff. When the buzzer sounded the male charged at the girl, stunner concealed in a large fist. She merely sidestepped and brought the staff down on his back, slamming him to the floor. She kicked the stunner out of his hand and out of the ring, effectively giving herself an edge. Then she picked him up with one hand and slammed the heel of her open palm into his face, breaking his teeth and making him bleed. With a strength she looked like she had, she launched her opponent into the air and knocked him around with the staff. When he finally landed again, bruised, beaten and bleeding, the girl raised herself up on the edge of her staff then dropped, putting all her weight and strength into that final blow. The male twitched reflexively then stopped moving altogether. A referee stepped into the ring and raised the girl's arm and the stadium erupted in cheers. Apparently, she was the favorite for champion.



Zim's fight was next and as she passed him on the way up she murmured good luck to him in Nietzchean, a little known but respected language. Her eyes were closed once again and he saw her cross her arms as the platform rose, and she seemed to be deep in her thoughts once again. Not bothering to choose a weapon, Zim jumped into the arena with a smile on his face. While on Earth he had taken some lessons in an art of fighting called Tae- kwon- do, and had very efficiently earned the highest rank possible before he left. With the other Irken, now armed with a small dagger, staring at him like he was insane Zim made a little 'bring it on' gesture with one finger and the battle commenced.

The Irken, who he recognized as Invader Flobie, came at him with the knife. Zim grabbed the oncoming arm and swung Flobie into the ground. Without stopping, he broke the hand holding the knife in one fluid movement, flipping the blade into his own hand. With another smile, this one a wicked one, Zim slashed Flobie's chest Zorro style, leaving a bloody 'Z' on the other Invader's chest. Flobie quickly passed out due to loss of blood and Zim walked out of the ring nonchalantly, wiping his hands on a towel that a worried-looking Gir handed him. This would be all too easy.

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Three days later Zim had finished the last match of the semi-finals, the finals would be the next day. As he walked out of the arena he stopped in the doorway.

"Why do you enjoy watching me so much?" he snarled at the tall female half- hidden in the shadows of the doorway. "Do you want something from me?"

"I only want you to make me a promise" came the low, soft voice of the girl.

"And what would that be?" he asked with a smirk.

"That you won't go easy on me tomorrow just because I'm a girl, and that you won't back out. No matter what."

"Very easily done. Shall we shake on it?" he asked, holding out a hand.

A slim hand grasped his hard and he suddenly got the feeling that she could probably break his hand then and there if she wanted to. She let go a bit quickly and faded into the shadows.

"See you tomorrow."

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As Zim neared his quarters he was surprised to see the thin form of Tallest Purple standing outside his door, looking around nervously. Once he spotted Zim he looked relieved for a split second before regaining his usual mask of cockiness. Zim punched in the code to his door and sauntered in.

"You comin' in or what?"

Purple walked in and heard the door slide shut behind him with a finality that sent a chill up his spine. Zim sat himself down on the couch, propped his feet up on the table and looked at Purple through half-lidded eyes. Purple forced himself not to blink until Zim looked away. Once he did Purple closed his eyes and breathed a barely audible sigh.

"Where is she?" Zim asked suddenly, catching the tallest off guard.

"Where is who?"

"You know damn well who I mean you arrogant bastard. What really happened to Xanade? Where is she now? That's what you came here to do wasn't it? To make me more miserable than I already am?"

"I think you already know Zim" was the quiet answer and Purple suddenly found himself pinned against the wall with a hand on his throat. Zim's bright red eyes glowed maliciously in the semi-darkness of the room. Purple gulped.

"Why did you lie to me? Do you have any idea what you did to me you asshole? For the past six years I've been drowning in the misery of my insanity because I thought she was dead. Now I come back only to find out that everything I've been put through has been for nothing. Do you know what that will do to a person?"

"Oh I think I might have some idea" Purple said, his voice slightly strained and sarcastic.

Zim removed his hand and shook his head wearily.

"Amazing. Even at the threat of death you're a cold sarcastic bastard." He gestured at the door. "Get out."

Purple glared at him in a 'you can't tell me what to do' kind of way. He gulped as Zim whipped out a plasma gun and pointed it straight at him.

"I said get out or I swear I will fucking kill you."

Purple couldn't leave the room fast enough.

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-In the Tallest's main room-

Purple was agitatedly talking to Red about how Zim should be shipped off as soon as possible when the door to their bedrooms opened. They immediately headed toward the door to the hallway. It opened to reveal a tall, slim female figure leaning against the doorway.

"Going somewhere boys?" Came the soft, dangerous inquiry from Xanade.

The tallest turned back and saw their 'younger sister's' very homicidal Sir unit, Die, standing in the doorway to their rooms. Behind her, the too happy R.D. guarded the door from the control room. Xanade wore a blue turtleneck under a high-collared black coat that had the right side short and the front and back left sides long. Along with that she wore long, loose black slacks with blue stripes down the sides and blue-gray cargo pockets and her favorite high-heeled black platform combat boots. In one hand she clutched a silver and blue, new model plasma gun that was deadlier than the one Zim had pointed at Purple earlier. She studied the claws on one gloved hand carefully before entering the room. Her eyes, now the pale orange of disapproval, flashed angrily at them.

She had eyes like theirs, long and usually half closed, but slightly more rounded and dangerous-looking. She backed them onto a couch and leaned over them.

"So. Which one of you wants to be torn apart first?" It was, of course, a rhetorical question. "As I recall, Pur, you were the one who didn't like him in the first place-"

"Yep. That was him all right, all him, not me." Red babbled nervously.

"Did I say you could speak?" Xanade snarled at him, eyes turning red orange. She was getting angrier. "Because if I remember correctly, which I do, you Red, were the one who told me he was dead!" The last word was a scream. " 'Stupid kid blamed himself 'Nade. Got suicidal.' Suicidal my ass! You two lied to me! How could you? I trusted you and you lied! Do you have any idea what I've done every night for the last six years? (A/N: no, not that!) Well? I'll tell you. I have done nothing but cry myself to sleep, and it's all thanks to you!"

During all this, Purple had pressed a summons button on his arm panel, one that was connected to Zim's room. If he could keep her from noticing for at least two minutes his problems would solve themselves. Suddenly Die spoke up.

"Master there is an Irken approaching from your corridor."

"Who is it?"

"Unknown. May I suggest that you finish this after your victory banquet tomorrow?"

"Very well. Enjoy what's left of your lives boys" she said cockily and disappeared through to the control room. A few seconds later, a very annoyed Zim walked through the door. Seeing that it was a fluke he turned and left, muttering to himself and tossing them a strange look over his shoulder.

"So" started Red. "You think we should leave the planet?"

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Zim listened as Gir played some Earth music softly through his speakers while he polished his gun. He was seated in his corner of the ring waiting for the match to start and for his opponent to show up. His gun wasn't his weapon; he just liked having it around. His weapon was something very much like a crossbow. Instead of arrows however, it shot out energy that could blast through titanium like butter. He wasn't planning on using it much though. He knew Xanade would knock it out of his hands then abandon her own weapon and go hand-to-hand with him. He was looking forward to it. A sudden rush of cheering alerted him that she had arrived and he looked up and saw her enter the ring by vaulting over the steel ropes that set the boundaries. She held her whip in one hand and a small silver and blue device like his in the other. She dangled it for a second so he could see it then tossed it around her head, and he raised his arm to show that his was strapped around his wrist. She smiled, her eyes sparkling like he remembered, and walked toward the center of the ring. Tossing his gun to Gir, he did the same, noticing that she had two Sir units in her corner. He held out his hand to shake hers and instead found himself being embraced. Blushing a bit, he hugged her back then let go as the referee climbed in, giving her the handshake ceremoniously. They took in each other's appearances, finding their choice of fighting garb very similar. While his was black and red, hers was black and blue and just as loose so she could move around easily.

The referee started the match and moved out of the way so they could begin. Moving at a speed that Zim knew he didn't have, Xanade circled him and he saw the whip lash out and grab his weapon, tossing it into the crowd easily. Then, just as he had predicted, she tossed her whip to her Sirs and faced him empty-handed. They started towards each other at the same time, each landing a quick blow then rebounding and coming back to try and land another. Zim used what he had learned on Earth to his advantage and was able to tell what she would do most of the time. However, sometimes she would come out of the blue with moves he was sure she had made up herself; completely throwing him off guard, making it easy for her to land a few more hits before he recovered. When they finally realized that if they continued, this could go on until they collapsed of exhaustion, they stood staring at each other for a second then at the same time, rushed at each other and knocked themselves out.

From their places in the top box the Tallest shared a look.

"Well that was unexpected."

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Both teenagers awoke later in a small medical room; all bumps and bruises completely healed. Smiling at each other across the room, they drew screens across their respective parts of the room and got dressed. Once they were done, they left the room only to find Gir, Die, and R.D. outside the room waiting for them. Gir was the first to speak.

" Master! You're okay!"

"Yes Gir, I'm fine" Zim answered, trying to get the robot off his legs.

"Master, you brothers said that once you woke up you were to go change into suitable attire for the banquet and be at the hall at the usual time, that's eight o' clock in Earth hours to you" Die said to Zim. "I checked Gir's data banks,"

"Thanks" Zim answered looking mildly amused. "I don't think I'm going though."

"Oh no you don't" Xanade said, and for a second, Zim didn't know who had spoken. "You're coming with me! There is no way I'm going to sit through that boring banquet by myself. I'd probably go schizoid again and start hurting them all."

Zim smirked at the thought.

"I don't have anything to wear" the invader chided softly, just to annoy her.

"Like I've always said. Anything you need, you come to me. Come on, I'm taking you to Vim she's my tailor. She'll whip something up for you and I can try on the dress I had made for this while I'm waiting."

Zim merely shrugged and let Xanade guide him toward the tailor, the three sir units following closely, not wanting to be left behind.



Alrighty then, that's chapter two (wheee!!!). Coming up soon are chapter three: The Banquet and chapter four: Earthly Happenings. Tune in for the next spectacular installment of 'All's fair' and read anything posted by CryingChild.