Saturday mornings had always been my favorite. Making pancakes while the kids watched cartoons and Shane sat at the table with a coffee mug while he cleaned his guns. Once breakfast was ready he'd clean the table off and help me make plates for the kids. Once they were settled and we were making our own plates, he never failed to "accidentally" bump into me, just so he could smack my butt through my silky robe.
This Saturday morning was different entirely. I sat in our bedroom with the lights off and the windows closed. No matter how hard I tried to fight them, tears flowed down my cheeks. Ten years. How did the time go by so quickly? Ten years since reality became our nightmares. All that we had lost consumed me in those moments. Shane's family, my family, our friends and those that didn't make it: Amy, Jacqui, Dale, T Dog, Lori, Andrea, Hershel, Beth. My heart ached with grief at the thought of all of them, their cruel deaths.
"Mommy, why you cryin?" Riley looked at me from the doorway.
"Mommy's fine, baby," I try to reassure her, "why don't you ask Daddy to make you some breakfast?"
"I want you to make it," she declared. "I want paincakes."
Despite my own thoughts, I couldn't help but smile at the way she was beginning to take on her Daddy's accent.
"I bet Daddy would make you some if you asked him to," I nodded. "Mommy just needs some rest."
This is the first year that one of my children has noticed my behavior on this day. Riley had always been too little, and Brantley was even younger. But this year Riley was 4 and she didn't miss it. Brantley, being only 2 didn't notice a thing, which I was grateful for. My babies didn't need to be involved or affected by this. We lost enough in those years, my babies' innocence I would not allow to be added to that list.
"Ey," Shane's voice came from the doorway. "S'goin on?"
"Nothing," I shook my head and tried to nonchalantly wipe my tears, though I wasn't sure he could see them in the dark.
"Riles said you're sad, said you woul'nt make her paincakes?"
I couldn't help but chuckle as he echoed our daughter's words in his own thick accent.
"I told her to ask you to make them," I said, my voice strained and small.
He eyed me from the doorway for a minute before walking into the room and sitting down beside me on the bed.
"I know what day it is," he said after a while. "Tin years."
I stayed silent but pulled my knees closer to my chest. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him, planting a kiss on my forehead.
"Darlin," he paused, "I cain't tell ya that e'r'things gonna be the same as it was 'fore it all happened. But, I love you, Chloe. I woul'nt be here if it wasn't for you, and you know that. We lost a lot, we lost er'thing. But we have the kids, and each other, and I can live with that."
I nodded my head slowly and his thumbs skimmed my cheeks, wiping away the tears. He kissed me softly and then pulled me into his lap as he made his way to my neck.
"Shane," I mumble against his lips after a few minutes.
"Hmm?" He hummed and made his way back to my neck.
"I have some pancakes to make."
He smiled and helped me up before kissing me again.
"I love you, too," I said in response to his earlier statement. "Tonight," I winked before going into the kitchen.
As I checked my phone, missed calls and messages from Rick, Michonne, Carol, Glenn, Maggie and even Daryl fill my notification banner. I smile at Shane who looks up from his phone, no doubt having the same amount of calls and messages. I quickly send a group message to everyone and then get started making breakfast, hoping that I have enough bacon to feed everyone.
"Mommy, Uncle Rick's here," Riley yells looking out the window.
Shane goes to answer the door, letting Rick, Carl, and Judith in. Judith goes with Riley and Brantley in the playroom even though she's several years older, and Carl sits on the couch watching TV.
The rest of the group shows up within the next hour and soon we are all sitting around my dining table eating our fill of bacon, eggs and pancakes. As I look at all of the people around me, I can't help but feel immense happiness. We may have lost everything during those years. We were scared and barely able to survive. But we made it. And now here we are, ten years later. We're family. We treasure every single person in this group because we all remember. We remember the pain, the loss, the suffering and the anguish. We remember having to fight for every meal and every breath, for every life that now fills my house.
The world is back to the way it was, but none of us will never be the same. In all of our basements, we have piles of food, water and other supplies. We have a plan on where to meet if everything gets bad again. We look over our shoulders when we go to check the mail. We have a gun in virtually every room in the house. We're ready. But until then, we live. We live like there won't be a tomorrow. And for right now, that's enough for me.
