Chapter One: Destruction
Liara helped Kaidan into the med-bay but he only let Dr. Chakwas slap some medi-gel on him before he returned to the bridge to listen to the comms, the majority of the crew were already there. Kaidan pushed his way to Joker's side as various voices crackled through the speakers:
"God…they're all gone"
"Did we get anyone to the beam?"
"Negative. Our entire force was decimated."
"No!" Kaidan yelled in anguish, he lurched forward, punching at the nearest console, his biotics surged as he lost control.
"Someone grab him before he does some serious damage!" Joker shouted.
Vega pulled Kaidan's arms behind his back, but Kaidan threw the larger man off with his biotics. Kaidan had controlled the force enough not to hurt him, but it had sent Vega off balance. Kaidan adopted a defensive stance and gave Vega his best 'I mean business look', ready to fight him if necessary. Whilst Kaidan's attention was focused on fending off Vega, Garrus took hold of the arm on his unguarded side. Kaidan span back towards Garrus but before he could retaliate Vega lurched forward and took firm hold of Kaidan's free arm. Kaidan fought against the restraints, but between them they quickly overpowered him.
The next few moments passed Kaidan in a haze. He couldn't think straight, he couldn't see straight, he had a migraine, but none of that mattered to him. The voices continued over the comms. Garrus and Vega were no longer acted as a restraint, rather support, holding him up as he slumped against them. As far as he was concerned this was all his fault. He should have never left her alone. He let the woman he loved go on another suicide mission without him. The woman that had died, yet he'd been given a second chance and he'd failed her, again. She might not come back to him this time and it would be his fault.
Liara sank down to his eye level and put her hands on his shoulders, trying to bring him back to the here and now, but Kaidan barely noticed her efforts. He was just repeating the same mantra in his head:
No, no, no, no…
Admiral Hackett's voice cut through Kaidan's trance:
"Holy shit. She did it. This is the admiral. We've got reports that someone made it to the Citadel."
Kaidan's head snapped up as tears streamed down his face. Hackett started giving orders to the Alliance fleet but Kaidan was no longer listening. He waited with a bated breath, he wanted proof that she'd made it, that she was okay.
"She did it Kaidan, she's alive!" Liara smiled, tears filling her eyes as she gave his shoulders a reassuring squeeze.
Joker laughed aloud, "Shepard is one invincible son of a bitch!... Wait, there's comms between Anderson and Shepard, patching them through."
Shepard's voice filled the bridge:
"Don't get too far away from me."
The pain in her voice was evident and it tore at Kaidan's soul.
"Shepard!" he called out.
"She can't hear you Kaidan, I've hacked into her omni-tool, this is a one way transmission. We're just going to have to wait it out." Joker explained.
Shepard and Anderson continued their conversation, trying to locate one another. It was so good to hear her voice, but it sounded weak and she was obviously seriously injured, Kaidan had never felt so useless. As Shepard and Anderson were reunited another voice joined theirs.
"I underestimated you, Shepard."
Everyone on the bridge stilled, tension filled the room, they all recognised that voice, the Illusive Man. The minutes felt like hours as everyone waited. They held a collective breath as they listened to the Illusive man's absurd rant about control, about controlling everything and everyone, including the Reapers. Shepard and Anderson tried to reason with him, but it was hopeless, the man was indoctrinated or delusional, perhaps both.
Then, a gun shot rung out, somebody on the bridge gasped.
"I see what they did to you." It was Shepard's voice, she was alright. But who had fired the shot? The conversation on the Citadel continued, the minutes felt like hours. Another gun shot went off, but there were no more voices over the comms. Everything went silent and there was no way for the Normandy to know if anyone had been hit. Just when Kaidan thought he couldn't take anymore Admiral Hackett spoke:
"This is it, everyone. The arms are opening."
It's Shepard, it has to be, she made it.
For the first time since leaving Shepard on Earth Kaidan allowed himself to hope.
Moments later, Anderson and Shepard's voices filled the bridge, some of the crew cheered. Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief, but he didn't celebrate; they weren't out of the woods yet. He wouldn't feel comfortable again until Shepard was by his side.
Shepard's voice was still heavy with pain, she was struggling to get her words out and Kaidan didn't like the turn her conversation with Anderson was taking, it sounded like a goodbye.
Don't die, come on Shepard, stay with me, please…
"Anderson's omni-tool has stopped reading a pulse, he's… dead." Joker slapped the arm of his chair and then angrily rubbed at his face.
Some crew aboard the Normandy were crying. Kaidan couldn't react, he could only think of Shepard. The seconds passed like hours.
"Shepard. Commander!" Hackett was trying to raise Shepard over comms.
"I—What do you need me to do?"
From Hackett's instructions it appeared there was a problem with the Crucible.
Please, hasn't she done enough?
Kaidan was in agony, he just wanted her back. He wanted her safe in his arms where he could feel her warmth and the steady beat of her heart.
"I don't see—I'm not sure how to…" Shepard broke off.
"Commander."
No reply came.
"Is she alright? Is she still alive?" Kaidan snapped at Joker, angry tears fell from his eyes.
"I… I don't know!" Joker stuttered.
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"She's disappeared! I can't reach her omni-tool, her signal is just… gone."
Kaidan let out a chocked sob, Garrus and Vega let go of his arms. Kaidan slumped forward, falling to the floor. Liara, already on her knees, caught him in her arms and placed a comforting hand on the back of his head. But the gesture would never be enough, his guilt consumed him and he gave into his grief as he wept into Liara's shoulder.
As the final bullet left her gun the cylinder exploded. The force pushed her backwards and the flames engulfed her.
Shepard knew from experience that in moments like this your life flashed before your eyes. But what most people didn't know was that after the memories came the hard part, the glimpse of the life you could no longer have. One face in particular stuck with her as the pain tore through her body.
Kaidan…
Images of the first time she had ever laid eyes on him aboard the first Normandy, the bright eyed LT who let his jaw fall open just enough to be noticeable at the sight of his new commanding officer. Her unhealthy fascination with the young soldier on Eden Prime. Repeatedly telling herself he captivated her because of his abilities, nothing more. Those first talks, where he bared his soul to her and spoke like she was the only person in the world he trusted. That night before Ilos when they finally gave into their desires. The destruction of the first Normandy. An unhappy reunion on Horizon. The new Major Alenko on Earth. The gut wrenching moment when she thought she had lost him on Mars. Clearing the air in Huerta Memorial Hospital. The armed stand off on the Citadel. Sanity checks. Last night. Goodbyes… Those beautiful brown eyes looking up at her in the face of raven haired children that would never be hers…
Then everything went black…
Joker frantically tried to relocate the Commander. Nobody else spoke as anxious looks were exchanged between the crew. Once he had calmed down Liara had given Kaidan some space - now he was numb, he didn't move, just stared blankly at the floor.
Shepard…
He felt sick. Hackett's voice crackled over the intercom:
"All fleets! The Crucible is armed. Disengage and head to the rendezvous point. I repeat: Disengage and get the hell out of here!"
Joker didn't give up his search for the Commander, ignoring the Admiral's warning.
"Joker, listen. We have to go."
Joker hesitated…"Damn it." He began to pilot the Normandy away from the Crucible.
Kaidan buried his face in his hands.
I can't lose her again.
The crew kicked into action as the Normandy shot through space. In Kaidan's angst he barely registered what happened next. The Citadel had erupted with a red light and exploded. The red energy pursued the ship relentlessly through space, Joker jumped relay to relay until he lost track of where they were. But it wasn't enough, the red pulse engulfed them, Joker's console sent sparks flying, there was nothing he could do the Normandy was going to crash.
To Joker's right red electricity coursed over EDI's body, her frame shuddered as her circuits fried.
"EDI! - Someone do - something! Help her!" Joker cried, crew members went to her aid but Specialist Traynor moved to his side, blocking his view.
"Joker, you need to focus, the ship is crashing, if you don't do something we are all going to die and there will be no one alive to help EDI."
Joker let out a heavy sigh and located a planet close enough for him to perform a crash landing.
"Okay guys, grab a hold of something, you're in for a bumpy ride".
The force of the crash had sent Kaidan flying, he lay face down across the floor of the bridge. He sat himself up and used the back of his hand to wipe the blood from his forehead. He had no energy left to stand. There was chaos all around him and he knew he should do something, take control of the situation but he couldn't move. His thoughts of Shepard still consumed him. Tali knelt down to level with him.
"Kaidan… I- I am sorry, I know you loved Shepard, we all did. But she wouldn't want to see you like this, you need to be strong for her and for the sake of your crew. You are the senior officer here, we need you."
Later that night Kaidan sat on top of the Normandy, whisky in hand, he'd pulled himself together enough to organise the crew. Now with everyone assigned to their duties he had pledged to get blind, stinking drunk and he had more than achieved his objective. He looked out into the darkness, they had landed on some uncharted jungle planet. Even though it was late it was still hot and muggy. Kaidan felt a bead of sweat run down his chest and across his abdomen. He took another long swig of whisky, the bottle was almost empty. He was definitely drunk but he didn't feel any better. This wasn't doing him any good.
Shit Shepard…
He stood up, pacing up and down the Normandy trying to decide his next move.
"Shepard…" his voice was barely a whisper, saying her name hurt but the pain felt right. "SHEPARD! – SHEPARD?! - I'm here Shepard! It's over, I showed up! Where are you?! You promised! You promised me you'd be waiting!" He yelled into the darkness, pouring out all his aggression and pain.
"I feel like now is the time to believe in ghosts Shepard. So here I am!" He help his flung his arms open, outstretched and turned to the sky. "I'm here! I showed up -haunt me then! Drive me mad! Just don't leave me! - I SHOWED UP!" Kaidan shouted until he was red in the face. He flung his whiskey bottle into the darkness, there was a faint smashing sound far off in the distance as Kaidan fell to his hands and knees.
"I showed up…" he said softly.
