"To Find The Light"
by
Debir
Chapter One: "Help"
(Picking up where we left off in "Enter the Dark" with Xena and Eve comforting Gabrielle after reading the goodbye note from Deerdra).
Gabrielle has mounted her horse and is waiting on Xena and Eve. It isn't just the horse she's sitting on, she's also trying not to panic. "We have to find her. She can't possibly be thinking straight and if she hasn't been sleeping-."
Xena's concerned about her state of mind as well, "She'll be easy pickings."
Eve is rereading the note, "Um, excuse me, Gabrielle? What kind of nightmares has Deerdra been having that would cause her to leave so suddenly?"
Gabrielle sighs. She wants to get moving but understands that Xena and Eve have questions. Deerdra leaving her is odd, to say the least. "She dreamed that she killed you, Xena and me back at Areesia and every night since, she's dreamed that she's killed me." She's not about to tell Xena just how bad these dreams have been.
Eve feels guilty all over again. Her mind races, "Did I do this to her when I was Livia?" Her response is a quiet, "Oh."
Xena knows Gabrielle is trying to hide how worried she is. She puts her hand on Gabrielle's thigh and softens her tone, "Deerdra wouldn't harm you or kill me. They're called dreams for a reason. We do things in them that we wouldn't or couldn't do in real life-like her beating me in a fight." She gives Gabrielle's thigh a light squeeze and is matter of fact, "That's not gonna happen."
Xena's confidence calms her down. "You're right. I guess she's not the only one not thinking straight. We still need to find her before she does something drastic or stupid...or both."
"We will. She has a pretty big lead and since I don't know where Argo is, let me go into this village and get a horse then we can go. Back in a few minutes, Eve! You stay here with Gabrielle!" With that, Xena rushes into the crowded village.
Gabrielle hops off of her horse and while not purposely ignoring Eve, busies herself searching the ground in an effort to track Deerdra's horse.
Gabrielle's silence makes Eve feel uncomfortable and has her wondering if she blames her for Deerdra's troubles, but isn't sure if she should bring it up. She chooses small talk instead. "So, any idea why the villagers are so happy?"
Gabrielle continues to scan the ground, "Deerdra and I freed their children from a three-headed demon who had been kidnapping them in the hopes that it would lure Deerdra to its lair. It won't be doing that anymore."
"Oh,... well, that's great! I'd celebrate too!"
Gabrielle doesn't hear her, she's lost in her thoughts. "Hmm, this set of hoof prints lead away from Illume. She's probably going to find someone who can help her sleep. The Greek gods are gone, so who... ?" Then it comes to her. She snaps her fingers, "Margret! She's going to see Margret!" She looks up, "Where's Xena?"
Right on cue, Xena yells for her. "Gabrielle! Get over here!" She's run into some trouble at the stables.
Gabrielle looks around and spots Xena standing next to Horace. She does not look happy.
Gabrielle and Eve make their way through the crowd and over to the frowning pair, "What's the hold up? Hi, Horace."
Horace perks up, "So she really is a friend of yours! I apologize, Miss. I'll go get that horse for you."
Gabrielle is in take charge kind mode, "Make sure it's a fast one. We have a lot of ground to cover."
Horace snaps too it, "Yes, ma'am!" Then asks kind of sheepish, "Did Deerdra really leave without you?"
Gabrielle isn't going to explain anything personal to a stranger, ""Yes, she did. The horse?"
Horace knows not to push, especially if it's one of the women who rescued the children, "Coming right up!"
Xena has to smile. She's just so proud of her little bard. "You two are quite the heroes around here."
Unfortunately, Gabrielle doesn't see it. She's a bit preoccupied. "Yeah. I know where Deerdra went."
That surprises Xena, "Oh? Where?"
"Germania to see Margret. She's probably hopes Margret has something to help rid her of her nightmares and to let her sleep."
Xena's memories are still fuzzy about her time spent with Akimi. "And Margret is...?"
Gabrielle had forgotten that Xena doesn't remember everything about her 'recovery.' "Oh, right. She's the woman who told us how to bring you back. She's into potions and things, just like Deerdra's Mother."
"Hmm, kind of like an apothecary. That makes sense."
Horace returns with a fully dressed horse. "All ready!" He winks at Gabrielle, "And no charge this time, young lady. You go and find your girl."
"Thank you, Horace. I will." She gives him a hug. "Ready to go, Xena?"
"Yeah, in a minute. Eve, this seems like a safe place, why don't you stay here and wait for me until I get back?"
"Yes, with the mood they're in they could be very receptive to the word of Eli, but I can't promise to be here when you return. I must continue to spread His message wherever I can."
"I understand, just be careful."
Eve smiles, "Look who's talking. But, I will if you do the same."
Xena grins, "Of course." They hug goodbye.
Horace leans over to Gabrielle, "Is she a friend of yours as well?"
Gabrielle pauses then a proud, "Yes. Yes she is. You take good care of her for me, okay?"
Horace is honored to be put in charge of watching out for one of the Saver's friends, "Yes, ma'am!" He wraps Eve in a bear hug. "Welcome to Illume!"
Eve is a little taken aback, "Thank you, Horace. And thank you, Gabrielle. I do hope you find Deerdra."
"Thanks, Eve. I'm sorry I ignored you back there. I'm just-."
"Distracted. I know. Don't worry about it, you just go and bring her back."
Warm smiles and hugs all around then Xena and Gabrielle mount up and ride out of town.
Horace waves until they turn a corner and are out of site. "Think they'll find her?"
Eve's tone is even and a little sad, "Yes." But sad for who?
It's nearly midnight and Deerdra is stumbling up the pathway leading to Margret's house. She's relieved to see a light on and uses her last ounce of strength to knock on the door.
Margret is sitting next to a roaring fire and drinking a cup of tea. She's anxious. Every pop of the fire makes her jump and look in the direction of the front door, ready to answer in an instant. Her waiting comes to an end with a soft 'knock', 'knock', 'knock' at her door. She smiles then sets her cup on the table next to the chair. "She's here."
Although Margret is expecting her visitor, her heart races as she reaches for the door's handle. She is and isn't surprised by what she sees...Deerdra looking like she hasn't slept or bathed in days, near exhaustion and leaning up against the door jam.
Upon seeing Margret, Deerdra has to choke back her tears. Her voice is weak and shaky, "I need help."
Margret's heart aches seeing her like this, "I know, Hon. I know. Come in"
Deerdra takes a step then collapses in Margret's arms. Margret does her best to drag/carry Deerdra to a small couch near the fireplace. She strokes Deerdra's cheek, "Stay here while I get you some tea."
Deerdra rests her elbows on her knees and rocks back and forth while running her fingers through her hair. Margret comes back in and holds out a porcelain cup, "Here, drink this tea. It will help you relax."
Deerdra knocks it away. "I don't want your tea! I want your help!" She continues rocking back and forth and starts babbling, "What am I going to do? I can't be around her, but I don't feel complete without her." When no answers come, she begins hitting herself in the head saying, "Why?, Why?, Why?"
Margret sits beside her, grabs her hands, then holds her in an embrace. "Shh, it's all right. I'm here. Everything will be okay."
Deerdra pulls away. Tears stream down her face and she's near hysterics. "Okay!? How can it be okay when I... when I killed the woman I love?"
Margret takes Deerdra's hands into her own and holds them to her chest, next to her heart, "You haven't killed anyone. Gabrielle is alive and well and probably frantic to find you."
Deerdra's voice can barely be heard over the crackle of the fire, "But the dreams seem so real."
"Oh, sweetheart." She kisses Deerdra's hands, "Tell me about them."
Deerdra sniffles, "I don't know."
Margret runs her fingers through Deerdra's hair, "Please. It might help."
Deerdra relaxes at Margret's touch. Her voice is still weak. "Okay." She clears her throat, "The first one was the worst. I took a dagger and gutted Xena's daughter, Eve then when Xena came after me, I ended up slashing her leg and she bled to death. Then," Her chin quivers, "I cut Gabrielle's throat." She bites her lip to stop the onslaught of tears. "That woke me up. But," She looks at her hands,"I could still feel the blade of the dagger and the heft of my sword. Like I battle had just ended. I could even taste blood in my mouth from when Xena hit me. I had way too much to drink the night before, so I blew it off as part of the hangover." She squeezes her eyes closed and bows her head. "I've had nightmares about killing Gabrielle ever since."
"That's why you left her. To keep her safe."
"Yes."
"That was very noble of you. I know how much you care for her."
"There's nothing noble about it. I would never be able to forgive myself if I hurt her...nor would I want to be forgiven."
"I understand. Tell me," She runs her hand across Deerdra's cheek, "When was the last time you had a full night's sleep?"
"Not since I left Gabrielle. Every time I close my eyes, I see her covered in blood."
"Oh, Deerdra. You need your rest. I'll add a special herb to your tea that I guarantee will help you sleep and give you pleasant dreams."
Deerdra looks up at her with hope in her eyes, "Really?"
Margret's smile is filled with warmth, "I promise."
Deerdra drinks the herb laced tea and lays in the bed she shared with Gabrielle. As soon as her head hits the pillow she's fast asleep and having a very pleasant dream:
Deerdra and Gabrielle are lying in a grassy field facing one another. They have goofy
grins on their faces.
Deerdra bushes the hair out of Gabrielle's eyes, "We really should get going."
Gabrielle caresses Deerdra's arm, "Where to this time?"
"Have you ever been to France?"
"Xena and I have passed through."
"Well, we'd do more than just pass through."
They are on their horses now.
"I love you, Deerdra."
"I love you more."
Back to reality:
Deerdra is still asleep, a dopey smile on her rolls over and into remembering going to bed with anyone but herself, she opens her eyes and seesthat it's Gabrielle- dead and looking like a zombie. Deerdra can't get out of bed fast enough. She wrestles to get the covers off and falls to the floor in the process, knocking over the nightstand on the way down. She stumbles all over herself trying to get to her feet while not looking at the bed. She attempts to calm herself, "It's just your imagination. There's nothing there. So why am I afraid to look?" She squares her shoulders, "Okay, fraidy cat, turn around and prove it's only a dream." She silently counts to three then spins around. Big Mistake.
Zombie Gabrielle is standing next to the bed. She has a gaping, bloody hole where her heart should be. She reaches out to Deerdra as if she wants her to hand her something. Deerdra looks down at her hands and sees that she is holding Gabrielle's still beating heart. She slams her eyes closed, "No! You're not real! You're not real! You're not real!" She puts her empty, clean hands to her face, "Go away. Please, just go away."
The clattering and yelling has finally gotten Margret's attention. She dashes into the bedroom and grabs hold of Deerdra's shoulders, gently shaking her. "Deerdra! Deerdra, open your eyes! Deerdra, look at me!"
Deerdra ever so slowly opens her eyes. She looks at Margret then over at the bed. Her voice is a whisper, "Is she gone?"
Margret scans the room. It is empty... and she's concerned. She takes Deerdra's hands into her own. "Is who gone?"
Deerdra's voice is still a quiver. "Gabrielle. She wanted her heart back." She looks down at her hands, "I was holding it," Her eyes pool up, "And it was still beating."
Margret pulls Deerdra to her, "I'm so sorry. I didn't know it would be that bad."
Deerdra backs away, "What would be that bad?"
Margret braces for the backlash, "The after effects of the herbs I put in your tea."
Deerdra's tears dry up real quick, "You knew this would happen? You said it would help me sleep. Why in Hades didn't you warn me?"
"I was afraid if you had known, you wouldn't have drank the tea."
"Darn right I wouldn't have! Geez, Margret, that was worse than the nightmares that I've been having."
"I truly apologize. I should have told you." Margret sighs, "It seems like all of my potions and incantations have a counter effect. A balance, if you will."
Deerdra leans away from Margret, "Wait, incantations? I thought you were an herbalist." She narrows her eyes, "You're not dabbling in sorcery, are you?"
Margret's tone is a bit defensive. She's heard this accusation before. "It isn't sorcery. I harness and manipulate the earth's natural energy to help people."
Deerdra is still suspicious, "Help them how exactly?"
Margret scrunches her face, "It's difficult to put into words, I'll have to show you." She changes gears in an attempt to ease Deerdra's mind, "I tell you what, you go take a bath then after we eat breakfast I'll give you a demonstration."
That pacifies Deerdra, for now, "Fine, after breakfast then." She pauses, "You know, I don't remember the last time I took a bath."
Margret grins and playfully holds pins her nose closed, "Oh? I hadn't noticed." They chuckle and she adds, "We should probably burn your clothes rather than try and wash them."
Deerdra looks down at her mud caked trousers, "Yeah, my pants are likely to stand up by themselves after I take them off."
Both women burst into laughter. Not that what was said was humorous, it's just that they needed a release from the seriousness of it all. It is also the first time Deerdra has laughed since she left Gabrielle.
Deerdra wipes a happy tears from her eyes, "Ho, that felt good! It's been a while."
Margret takes Deerdra's hands into her own and looks her in the eyes, "You will laugh, and love, again."
Deerdra's mood darkens, "Leaving her is harder than I thought it would be. She's all I think about."
Margret empathizes, "She's gotten into your heart and will always be a part of you. Love is the most powerful emotion there is. It can drive you to do great things... or it can drive you insane."
"If that was your attempt at a pep talk Margret, it needs a little work."
"Well, It isn't exactly my area of expertise. But I am sure you'll feel better after you bathe and get some food in you."
"Yeah. Thanks Margret, for everything. I don't think...no, I know I wouldn't be able to do this alone."
"Deerdra, you will never be alone. Everyone you've ever loved will always be with you, no matter where you go." She gives Deerdra a big hug, "Now go take that bath."
Deerdra grins, "Yes ma'am!"
A short time later, Deerdra joins Margret in the kitchen, squeaky clean and wearing a beige shirt and matching pants.
Margret looks up from the oatmeal she's cooking, "Done so soon? I had hoped the bath would lull you back to sleep."
Deerdra's agitated, "It did...until Gabrielle's corps decided to join me in the tub. I couldn't get out of that thing fast enough."
"Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm trying to fix the potion so there won't be any-"
"Where's my stuff?"
"Pardon?"
"My stuff. You know, my sword?"
"Oh. I put it in the barn."
This surprises Deerdra, "You were able to touch my sword? The shiny one?"
"I only saw the one and it was wrapped in leathers. Why?"
"Oh, no reason." Deerdra mumbles, "Great, something else to worry about."
"What did you say?"
Deerdra covers, "Why did you put them in the barn?"
"Your weapons radiate negative energy and death. I only want healthy, positive energy in the house."
This is news to Deerdra, "It didn't bother you before."
Margret returns to stirring the oatmeal, "Actually they did. I knew you weren't staying so I let it go."
Being without a weapon of any sort is a new feeling for Deerdra. She's not sure she likes it. "I don't remember the last time I was without a weapon. I feel - naked."
Margret spoons out the oatmeal, "You won't need them here. We're a peaceful village. There aren't any other warriors or anyone else like you around here. Plus all of the evil entities know to avoid you. Well, the smart ones do. So, you'll have nothing but peace and quiet while you work through your- problem.
"Peace and quiet,huh? Boy, there's a foreign idea. Well, Margret. Your house, your rules."
"Good. Breakfast is served!" She places a steaming bowl of oatmeal for each of them, only Deerdra doesn't eat. She sits and stares at her bowl. "What's wrong? Don't you like apples and cinnamon in your oatmeal?"
"Yeah, sure I do. It's just-" Deerdra sighs, "This is the exact same breakfast I served to Gabrielle the first day she was in Lorrania."
Margret gasps, "Oh! I am so sorry. I didn't realize."
"It's alright. This is a common dish. I'll eat." She makes a spoon out of a slice of day old bread and begins to eat, slow and methodical.
Margret feels terrible for Deerdra and she hesitates to ask, but she has responsibilities, "Will you be okay here by yourself? I need to go into the village for a little while."
Deerdra looks up from her half eaten bowl, "I guess. What are you going to do in the village, get some more potions?" She smiles to let her know that she's teasing.
"No, I'm the new school teacher."
Deerdra does a spit take with her oatmeal, "What? When did this happen?"
Margret smiles at Deerdra's reaction, "A few days after you and Gab-. A few days after you left here, the old teacher packed her bags and left. The village elders called a meeting and when no one stepped forward, I volunteered."
Deerdra can't get over it, "They agreed to let a budding sorceress teach their children? What'd you do, spike their ale?"
Margret takes offense at Deerdra's joke, "I am not a sorceress. I use magic in its purest form. I explained this to you already."
Deerdra walks back her comment, "I didn't mean to upset you. I was only teasing. I know you only want to help people. I wouldn't have stayed otherwise."
Margret gets a grip on her emotions, "No, I apologize. My magic use is a touchy subject, as you can see. The villagers don't know and if they found out, I shudder to think what they would do to me."
Deerdra doesn't get how serious Margret is, "Superstitious, are they?"
Margret deepens her tone, "You have no idea."
Deerdra hears the fear in her voice. She tries to lighten to mood, "Alrighty, no worries. You go on into the village and I'll stay here and hold the chair down."
Margret walks over and kisses Deerdra on the cheek, "Thank you. I won't be late."
Margret ducks into her room and comes back carrying a satchel full of school supplies. She walks over to the front door then pauses. She looks back over her shoulder, "You stay out of trouble now."
Deerdra smiles big and wide, "Always."
Margret laughs as she closes the door behind her. Deerdra looks around the room. The house feels especially cold and quiet with Margret gone. Depression and loneliness begin their crawl up Deerdra's spine. She shakes it off, "No. No bad thoughts. Maybe some sunlight and fresh air will help."
She spies the back door and steps into the sunlight, squinting at the brightness of it all. There's a narrow dirt path leading away from the house and into the forest. "Okay little path, let's see where you go."
The well trod trail winds through the forest, across a grassy field, and parallel to a babbling brook, eventually ending at the edge of a cliff overlooking a majestic valley. A mountainous green valley covered in a light fog. Only the peaks can be seen peeking through. It takes Deerdra's breath away. "Wow! It's beautiful. Gabrielle would love..." The lump in her throat stops her from completing the sentence. Her heart aches and her eyes well with tears. She whispers, "Gabrielle" then...a smile.
*CONTINUED*
