Sometimes it didn't feel real. Every day it hadn't felt real. Every night I found myself awakening in the wee hours just to check to make sure it hadn't all been a dream and every night I found myself in the same condition. However, this night when I was awakened I found myself alone. Sitting up in the bed and being startled when the large hardback book I fell asleep reading fell off my body onto the tough wood floor.
The room was bare. Boxes piled five feet high lined the walls. In less than twelve hours the entire house would be empty with nothing but memories. Not all good.
There's an old saying "when God closes a door he opens a window" and that is exactly what happened to me approximately six months ago. For the last two months I mourned for the son I didn't know and focused on the miracle I had been blessed with. I didn't have a chance to raise and protect my son, but I was given a second chance and I was not going to squander it.
My biggest concern at the moment was where my other half was at 1:15AM. The wood floor was cold as my bare feet touched it and the shivers pulsated through my body. I could see light coming from downstairs, so figuring that's where he was, I made my way down the creaky old stairs in my two sizes too big grey and navy colored flannel pajamas to find Mulder seeming to disassemble the fort of boxes we had formed just days ago.
"What the hell are you doing!?" I almost screeched at the sight of packing tape all over the desk and floor with boxes open – thankfully their contents seemed to still be inside.
"Go back to bed, Dana." He said behind a tower of boxes not yet opened and ransacked.
Since a visit to city hall nearly two months ago and making things as final as they could be, Mulder started calling me Dana. It didn't feel right. It sounded weird every time he said it, but since I was technically a Mulder now as well he said the change was needed; I just hoped he'd stop soon.
"Mulder, the movers will be here in ten hours. All of this has to be in a truck. Why are you doing this?"
"I'm looking for something."
"What?"
"The proof I need."
"Of what?" He didn't reply, "Mulder…"
"He came to me in a dream."
"Who?"
"William."
I felt like someone punched me in the heart, head and stomach all at the same time, "He's gone, Mulder." I replied way too quickly.
"Well, he told me the proof I need is here somewhere. In one of these boxes."
There were roughly twenty boxes just in the living room. Some of random items Mulder couldn't part with, and then there was the attic which still housed many boxes from our apartments which sat in a storage unit before we could safely retrieve them a decade earlier. I looked at one of the boxes he had already gone though and on the side in someone else's handwriting was written 'Dana, bedroom' I hadn't even bothered looking in these boxes in over ten years, but as I peeked into it seeing a quilt and a couple picture frames it instantly hit me what he was looking for.
"Mulder, stop." I said hardly able to make out the words given the lump in my throat.
Mulder stood up and looked directly at me, "Why?"
I shook my head. "Please. Just stop."
"You know I can't."
Closing my eyes, I walked over to where he had surrounded himself with a fort of boxes. There was one box I hadn't opened in seventeen years. Not since Monica packed it up for me. It was easy to find. Marked with a date May 20, 2001.
"Give me the knife." I said looking up at him, the tears already forming in my eyes.
Mulder did as I asked, a confused look upon his face, and I quickly ran the knife through the seam of the box before handing it back to him and ripping apart the tape. On the top of the box was a blue bear, under various blankets friends had knitted and crotched. On the side was a book. I pulled out the book and handed it to him.
"There." I said before having to walk away.
I got to the staircase and stayed there. Waiting. I heard him open the book and unfold the paper I knew would still be under the cover.
Seconds felt like hours as I waited for some response. Eventually I turned and looked at him…still looking at the paper in front of him.
"Say something." I begged.
He shook his head, "Why did you lie to me?
"I never lied." I replied wanting to go to him but keeping my distance. "He wanted us to let him go. Us."
Mulder closed his eyes and folded the paper back up before placing it in the book and slamming it shut. "He wanted me to find this."
"You have to let him go."
Mulder shook his head, then turned and looked directly at me, "He's OUR son."
Walking over to the couch I sat down and put my head in my hands and just cried. I'd been crying a lot lately over such frivolous things like the weird stain on the counter I couldn't get out to the dog that died in that Lifetime movie, but now I was crying over the loss of our son. Our. Son.
I felt Mulder move to the couch next to me and put his arm around my back, pulling me next to him, but I couldn't look at him. I never lied, but I withheld information to protect our son and our unborn child. William was gone and I knew Mulder would spend the rest of his life seeking vengeance for his death instead of focusing on what mattered most at this moment. For the last two months he had been there. Doctors' appointments, a second ultrasound, being reminded for the billionth time that having a healthy child after fifty was rare and to not get my hopes up…he was there…but in the last few minutes after letting him see the actual DNA results I felt I had lost him to a ghost.
"I just needed to know the truth." Mulder replied squeezing me tighter to him, "You didn't have to lie."
"I never lied." I swore again looking up at him, "I never said he wasn't yours. I said he wasn't ours. We didn't raise him. We didn't know him. How he even found out about me I'll never understand, and when he knew nothing of you I started to fear the results were incorrect. That what Skinner told me was true, but I didn't want to believe that…I couldn't believe that because I knew he was yours…but I also knew you could never let him go, even in death, we needed you now."
Mulder nodded, "You don't think he's dead, do you?"
"I haven't had any contact since that night, but no…" I took a deep breath, "We've been given a second chance…."
Mulder nodded and then took a deep breath as well, "I'm good now."
"Really?" I said, knowing he was lying.
"No, I am. It's hard, knowing he could be out there somewhere and we'll never know…but that's what he wants. That's what he needs. I have to respect that."
"Thank you." I replied knowing he was still lying, "Can we please get back to bed. It's going to be a long day tomorrow."
"I know. You already mapped it out." He smiled and took my hand after withdrawing it from my back.
After returning to bed, his arms wrapped around my belly pulling my back against his chest I had almost drifted back off to sleep when he asked if I was awake.
"Barely…" I replied; my eyes still closed.
"How did you even get the…stuff…for the test?"
I opened my eyes and looked around the dark room as I sent my mind back so many years until I remembered, "I got a swab before you left. Luckily you tend to have your mouth open while sleeping."
"You really had the foresight to do that?"
"I had to know, Mulder."
"I know you did, Dana."
I grumbled and closed my eyes as he pulled me tighter to him.
The last two weeks had been a roller coaster of emotions. Starting from the day I woke up ill, fearing I had one of the many flus going around and quickly making a doctor's appointment with the physician I had been seeing since I moved to Bethesda. The appointment with Dr. Abrams started like any other. How was I doing? Did I catch the Redskins game? The Capitals? Then came the blood pressure test – normal – no fever.
"I can't find anything physically wrong with you, Dana." Dr. Abrams said as she scribbled on my chart.
"I've been lethargic and I've been unable to keep anything down in the last few days." I basically whined.
She nodded and looked at my chart, "We could do a blood test to rule out other possibilities."
"What kind of possibilities?"
"Have you been having hot flashes, heavy menstrual cycles, and irritability?"
"No, but it hasn't exactly been regular either."
"When was your last cycle?"
I shrugged, "It's not really something I keep track of, but it's been a while. Sometimes I don't have one for months. It's not unordinary."
She eyed me a bit, "How is that unordinary?"
I really didn't want to get into my convoluted manipulated biology with this woman who just saw me as your average fifty-four-year-old, "Believe me. It just is."
"So, you're basically telling me you haven't had your period in three months and you're suffering from fatigue and nausea and you really have no idea what is wrong with you. I thought you were a doctor, Dana?"
"I'm fifty-four."
"It's not out of the realm of possibilities."
Why the hell did she say that?
I rapidly shook my head, "No. It's impossible."
"Have you had sexual intercourse in the last three months?
I looked down and unbuttoned the cuff of my white blouse before rolling it up my right arm, "Just do the test."
The alarm buzzed, startling me out of my slumber. I grabbed my phone and turned it off before rolling over and looking at the man with the two days beard growth and mouth agape as he continued sleeping. I nudged him and he groaned. I nudged him harder his eyes opened a bit then shifted towards me.
"You could be nicer about it." He moaned.
"No time for that." I said sitting up, "I need to get this bedding washed and dried and in the boxes before the movers arrive. YOU need to re-tape all the boxes you tore apart in the middle of the night in your quest for the truth."
Mulder rubbed his eyes like a toddler, "You're mean when you're pregnant."
"Wait till my water breaks. GET UP!"
He grumbled as he tossed the sheets and comforter off of him, "How about breakfast? What do you want?"
Since the kitchen had been packed up for days we'd been racking up the Grub Hub charges because we were too tired to actually get in the car and go somewhere. At least this would be the last delivery charge in Virginia, "I could honestly go for pancakes." I said allowing myself to eat whatever the hell I so desired.
Mulder grabbed his phone off the nightstand and looked to be scrolling through the app as I began to strip the bed and essentially pushing him into a standing position, "IHOP or Denny's"
"IHOP." I said ripping the fitted sheet off the king mattress.
"Eggs, bacon?"
"Just pancakes. Lots of pancakes and butter."
He nodded, "Cof-"he stopped himself as I glared at him, "Sorry."
"That's just cruel."
"Two orange juices then."
I forced a smile, "Thank you for suffering with me."
"Given the long drive ahead of us I can't say I'll be able to stick to that."
"Understandable" I said before heading down the stairs with the rolled-up sheets.
All that was left in the basement was the washer and dryer and enough detergent for two loads of laundry. Per Virginia laws when you sell a home you have to leave the appliances but can take the washer and dryer. We had decided to include them with the sale of the house over a month ago which sold in hours. My condo in Bethesda sold faster and after the insurance covered repairs I was glad to see it go. We were now a retired couple living on a pension – which they gladly gave us just to go away and never come back – Kersh's words.
Having a baby was just a bit out of the ordinary.
Deciding that we needed to get the as far away from everything, Mulder essentially went to the internet and sight unseen purchased a million-dollar home in the mountains of Colorado - Pagosa Springs to be exact - it even had a private road with a gate – something we were even more partial to now considering the circumstances. Four bedrooms, which could come in handy if I ended up in the Guinness Book of World Records. Everything had happened so fast that now as I stood in my empty basement I started to wonder if I even had a chance to process what was happening to me. Closing my eyes, I shook it off. I was fine. We were fine.
After checking on the man re-taping and stacking boxes I made my way back up the stairs to the bedroom where I heard my phone ringing. Not a usual sound at 7:15AM on a Friday. Especially after our sudden retirement. Rushing to it out of habit I grabbed the smart phone off the nightstand and realized it was my older brother calling. He had been calling all week and I had ignored every call. I was told to avoid all stress. Bill Scully had been a giant stress ball since our mother died.
Why didn't I visit her more? Why didn't I take her in when her health was declining? Her funeral turned into make Dana feel guilty about everything and I know it took all of Mulder's strength not to deck him in front of my entire family. It was that moment when I knew we would eventually end up right where we were – minus one very large addition.
Taking a minute to look at the gold diamond rings on my left ring finger I took a deep breath and picked up the phone.
"Hi, Bill."
"You finally answer." He replied in his usual annoying tone.
"I've been busy."
"Too busy to talk to your own brother?"
Deep breaths, "What do you want, Bill?" I tried to stay calm.
"No pleasantries with you I guess. Well, I'll be in D.C. on business next week and I thought we could get together for lunch or something."
Oh, this was actually going to be fun, "I can't. I'm moving today."
"Moving where?"
"Colorado."
Silence on his end for a few seconds before he spoke, "Why Colorado?"
"Because it's not Virginia. It's not D.C. and it's not Maryland."
"But why?"
"Fresh start. I retired from the bureau almost two months ago."
"Retired? At your age?"
"You can retire from the bureau the day after your fiftieth birthday after a minimum length of service; which I had."
"Are you going back to medicine?"
"Not at this time." I walked to the window and looked out at the sky. Not a single cloud could be seen.
"Then what are you going to do?"
Taking another deep breath and letting it out slowly I just had to get it out there, "I'm pregnant, Bill."
Dead silence
A lot of dead silence
Too much dead silence
"Are you going to say something or do I end this call now?" I added
"But…you're…" he stuttered.
"I'm what, Bill?"
"Fifty…fifty…how old are you again?"
"Nice. I turned fifty-four in February. Thanks for remembering."
"But fifty-four-year-old women just don't get pregnant."
"This one did."
"Did you go to a clinic? Do you want a reality show?"
"That's pretty insulting." I snapped back at his cruelty.
"But how?"
I rolled my eyes, "You have a son. You know how."
He audibly groaned, "So, he's still in the picture."
"He's my husband and yes."
"When did that happen?"
"Almost two months ago as well."
"Thanks for inviting me."
"No one was invited it. It was a civil ceremony in front of a judge. Nothing fancy. Nothing you had to max out credit cards to pay for." Ok that was low. But it felt good.
"Classy." He shot back, "Divorce costs more."
"I'm well aware." I sighed and heard what sounded like someone coming down the driveway, "But I don't see that happening anyway." I said looking out the window at the red Honda Civic coming towards the porch and stopping.
"So, you're just going to have a kid, move away and never talk to your family again?"
That's the plan, "Not necessarily. But at this time, I need to focus on myself. For once in my life put myself before others."
"Like you're some kind of martyr?"
I wanted to hang up but was interrupted by Mulder announcing the arrival of pancakes from downstairs and took a politer and less hormonal approach, "I have to go now, Bill. I'll give you a call once we're settled."
"So, in a decade?"
Rolling my eyes, I hit end on the call and tossed the phone on the bare mattress before placing both hands on my extended belly and taking a very deep breath. Closing my eyes, I stood there for a moment and waited…unsure what I was actually waiting for I was greeted with a small kick and instantly felt the stress of the call fade away. Opening my eyes, I could now focus on what was important. Pancakes.
The dining room table was covered in Styrofoam containers as Mulder removed the boxes from the bag.
"Who were you talking to?" he asked as I sat at the table grabbing hold of a cutlery set in a plastic bag and ripping the plastic off the ebony knife and fork like a rabid animal, "Must have been a good call..." he said carefully placing one of the white boxes in front of me.
"Bill." I replied ripping open the box and inhaling the scent of butter milked goodness.
"I thought you were avoiding his call." He replied sitting down and opening a container of fruit and another of dry toast.
Slathering the butter on the pancakes before cutting into them I shook my head, "It was better to just get it over with." I got out before shoving pancake into my mouth and wanting to melt as it went down my throat.
"And to think, I thought I only got those sounds out of you." He smirked before cutting into his cantaloupe, "Did you tell him?"
I nodded as more pancake needed to be in my mouth and stomach.
"What did he say?"
"What does everyone say when we tell them?" I replied after a large swallow, "Nothing beats the look Skinner gave us."
"Well he was in the hospital on a lot of pain medication." Mulder replied "He still wants to see us before we head out of town. I said lunch would be good."
"I'm sure we can fit it in. We just need to beat the moving trucks and I have my first appointment with my new obstetrician next Friday ."
"And I'm sure we can make it to the first stop in Lexington tonight."
"Hope so. The hotel is nonrefundable." I said before finishing off the last of my short stack and realizing I was still hungry.
I must have looked that pathetic, because my other half smiled and pulled another box out of the bag, "You think I don't know you and your appetite by now?"
I honestly giggled as I took the box from him and after pushing the empty one aside I happily opened the other box to reveal three more large pancakes, "I may live to regret this." I said picking up my plastic fork, "But for now…"
Mulder chuckled and got up from the table, "I'm going to shower and finish packing before the movers get here. You enjoy your feast." He said before kissing me on the top of my head and bounding up the stairs.
Sighing I leaned back and looked at how foreign the house looked now. I had only moved back in after selling my condo in Bethesda a little over a month ago, and since then it was like we were back where we were almost a decade earlier and even though the house had a spare bedroom we both knew we needed to start fresh somewhere else. Somewhere far from here. For so many reasons. Trying not to cry from the nostalgia I shook off the memories and went back to my pancakes as I listened to the shower start above me.
After devouring my second breakfast and then taking a much-needed shower where I marveled at still being able to see most of my feet, I quickly got dressed and threw my pajamas into my very large suitcase before running - more like running and wobbling - down two flights of stairs with our bath towels for the last wash.
With the sheets in the dryer and the towels in the washer I made my way back upstairs just in time to hear a truck come barreling down the driveway.
"No turning back now." Mulder said as he made his way to the front door.
I nodded and followed him, "I don't plan on it."
