So, this happened. I've actually been fiddling with it for almost a year now and I'm still not happy, but I guess the important thing is to be writing again. Writing well can come later. True sad fact: I thought of the horrible, horrible title pun first and had to come up with a story to suit it.

Disclaimer: Only Bleach I own is NaOCl.


"This is not what I had in mind when I invited you. Not by any stretch of the imagination."

Ichigo sat cross-legged on the gymnasium floor, arms folded tight against his chest, as if he could anchor himself against the full force of Rukia the not-strictly-speaking-human tsunami. As if anything could survive her latest onslaught against logic, reason, and propriety.

"I can't imagine what you mean, Ichigo," she replied absently, turning to wave at a few familiar faces.

"Please refrain from moving, Kuchiki-san," Ishida murmured. "I nearly stitched your hem to your ankle." She twisted back into place, standing with her arms straight out from her sides.

"You know damn well what I mean! I can't believe you-" The arrival of the girls Rukia had waved to prevented him from finishing. Ichigo stewed darkly. He had no recourse save what he was already doing: standing firm against her insanity and the complicit role his supposed friends were willing to play in it. Cruel fate, making passive protest his only option. He wasn't very good at passive, and Rukia wasn't likely to care, anyway. He was just screwed.

"Kuchiki-san...we didn't think we'd see you here." Mahana's perplexed look made the statement more a question.

"Oh, I wouldn't dream of missing such an important milestone in a young girl's life!"

Ichigo cringed at the nails-on-a-chalkboard fake voice.

Elbowing her friend, Michiru tried to salvage the exchange. "Not that we aren't glad to see you! We just didn't expect to." Mahana was quick to agree. Rukia's big eyes filled with happy tears, coinciding with the bile rising in Ichigo's throat.

"Ohhh! You're both too kind! I thank you from the bottom of my heart!" A theatrical sniffle. A slight catch in her voice. "Kurosaki-kun hasn't been nearly so welcoming."

Moving as one, two angry faces fixed their gaze onto Ichigo. He ignored them, looking straight to Rukia. "Shove it, Ku-chi-ki-san." Oh, well. Passive really wasn't his thing. Mahana and Michiru both made a point of casting Rukia and Ishida friendly smiles before they left, to contrast the look of pure contempt they reserved for him.

"Whatever," Ichigo muttered.

Ishida stood, replacing the needle and thread into his sewing kit. "There you are, Kuchiki-san. Good as new."

"Thank you, Ishida-kun." Her normal voice again, but the guise of the silly teen girl remained as she twirled about and watched the hem of her graduation gown skim the floor. Wait, her gown?

"Rukia, where did you get that?" Suspicion and dread vied for dominance in Ichigo's voice. "That thing was over thirty centimeters too long for you." She spun around again, oblivious or indifferent. "Seriously, dammit! You didn't mug someone for it, did you?"

She stopped when her last circle brought her to face Ichigo and he thought he might get an answer. Instead, she looked over his head, waving and jumping to be seen through the crowd of students.

"Inoue-san! Sado-kun! We're over here!"

They made an odd pair. Inoue was so excited she was nearly skipping and Chad maintained his usual slow saunter, but the difference in height and stride meant they kept pace with each other. Chad moved to stand next to Ichigo, nodding hello to everyone. Inoue hugged Rukia.

"Kuchiki-san!" Inoue stepped backward, looking the other girl up and down. "I'm glad Ishida-kun could fix it for you. I'm sorry I didn't have time to do it myself."

"Please don't apologize." Rukia squeezed her arm. "I'm honored that you gave it to me."

"Don't tell me you talked Inoue into buying that for you?" Ichigo knew he had said something stupid the moment the words left his mouth. Rukia stamped her foot menacingly, reminding him how lucky he was to be sitting, shins safe from her reach. Eyes saucer-wide, arms flailing desperately, Inoue rushed to her friend's defense.

"Oh no, no... It's not like that. It was Sora's graduation gown. I just had it sitting in a closet all this time, and since the school colors were the same... Well, I thought it would be nice if Kuchiki-san could use it."

He didn't have to look at Rukia to see her now-don't-you-feel-like-an-ass glare. He did. "That is...um...nice. Really, Inoue, that was-" Luckily, Inoue's typical whimsy saved him from trying to frame a proper apology.

"Kurosaki-kun! Why are you sitting on the floor? You're going to trip on your robe when you stand up and break your neck and then there won't be any graduation and..." Inoue bit her lip. "You don't think they'd make us stay for another year, do you?"

"He's sulking," Rukia proclaimed.

"I am not sulking."

"Pouting, then!" She shot back, planting her hands on her hips.

Ichigo leaned forward, hiding his face in his hands. "Protesting," he mumbled under his breath, "I'm protesting." Chad heard him at least, providing a sympathetic 'Hmm.' It was baffling listening to Inoue and Ishida chat happily with Rukia, as if she were just another normal student on graduation day. As if her presence here wasn't completely ridiculous.

Rukia's voice suddenly took on the soap opera heroine tone again. Ichigo let a strangled sigh escape into his hands and peeked through his fingers to see her next victim. Mizuiro. At least Keigo wasn't with him. That could have been a hundred times worse.

"Kuchiki-san! What a lovely surprise. We haven't seen you at school in so long, I didn't think you would be graduating."

If she was at all put off by the implication, Rukia didn't have a chance to show it. As she shook Mizuiro's proffered hand, Ishida smoothly provided, "Kuchiki-san has been lucky enough to study abroad this past year." Rukia nodded solemnly.

Inoue squeaked, a sharp giggle quickly stifled by her hands. She took a breath and added, "Yes, very far away." While she managed to keep from bursting into laughter, Ichigo could see her and Chad exchanging conspiratorial smiles.

Somehow Rukia had turned their entire circle of friends into collaborators. Ichigo had been so certain that once they all knew her true nature the school-girl facade would end. There didn't seem to be any point to it, either, now that he didn't need to be followed around and forced to dispatch hollows. But it hadn't ended, and if anything, they all seemed to encourage it. Crazy. They're all crazy except me.

"Oh, it seems we'll have to catch up later, Kuchiki-san. The procession is starting." Mizuiro waved to everyone before leaving to find his place in the line.

"See you after graduation!" Rukia called after him, beaming.

Everyone who had not already been in their proper place scurried to find it, hastened by a near shrieking Ochi-sensei and other exasperated teachers. Ichigo wondered if there were this many students with 'K' names at the rehearsal yesterday, or if he just hadn't been paying attention. Mizuiro was five students ahead, and he could barely see Ishida and Inoue beyond him. Tatsuki and Keigo were probably already outside, in place on the field, standing around bored as the rest of the graduating class slowly walked out.

They shuffled forward slowly, giving friends and family in the audience ample time to take pictures as each graduate crossed the make-shift stage to their place in line. Ichigo hadn't even made it out of the gym yet and he heard Elgar's March 1 in D loop and start again for the third time. He sighed. It was going to be a long day.

Rukia, directly in front of him in the procession, and certainly one more 'K' name than had been present at rehearsal, heard him and kicked back toward his knee ineffectually. "Stop being such a grump."

Ichigo didn't bother trying to tell her that he hadn't been sighing about her. He wouldn't have bought it, either. "I still can't believe you're doing this."

Annoyed violet eyes scowled at him briefly, before she turned back to watch where she was walking. Her voice held a strained note of composure that indicated chances were even between her starting to yell, or going back to the full on fake persona. "I have worked very hard to be here today, Ichigo."

"You-" Ichigo glanced at Ochi-sensei as she passed them, then lowered his voice. "You zapped the principal with a memory modifier and added your name to the list of the graduating class!"

"That was hard," Rukia grumbled. "I had to find his office, then wait until his secretary left, then there was..."

The rest of her litany was lost into white noise as they finally made it out the gym door. The music was louder outside, and now they had to contend with the sound of the audience. When they were lined up on the stage Ichigo realized it was even more boring waiting for the rest of the procession than it had been idling along as part of it. It was a mystery to him why they weren't just handed their diplomas as they walked in. He had said as much during rehearsal, pointing out that it would cut the length of the ceremony at least in half but received no reasonable answer, just glares and assertions that this was the way it was always done.

He scanned the audience for his family, and regretted it upon spotting them. His father, Yuzu, and a reluctant Karin were standing up and sitting down in turn, creating a three man wave. Cringing, Ichigo tugged his mortarboard further down on his head. Well, he was less bored. Not that total mortification was much of an improvement.

More and more he found himself watching Rukia. Not that she was particularly interesting, of course. It was just that nothing else was, either. With her right next to him he could see that the tassel hanging from her cap wasn't the same shade of gold as his. He could also read Inoue's brother's graduation year inscribed on the dangling charm. The cap was too big for Rukia's head and someone had used a bunch of bobby pins to hold it in place against her hair. Ichigo wondered if she had done that herself, or if Ishida had before hemming her gown.

Rukia seemed to be enjoying herself, smiling and clapping for each student as they were called forward to collect their diplomas, but something about her expression wasn't right. Ichigo studied her face carefully; the slight squint at her eyes, the faint down-turned corner of her mouth, the flutter of her tensing jaw muscle all betrayed a well hidden stress. As the officiant called out, "Kojima Mizuiro!" her smile disappeared entirely and it hit Ichigo like a ton of bricks. She was nervous. Rukia was nervous.

Although, why wouldn't she be? She had never done this before, and she hadn't been at the rehearsal yesterday. All she knew was what she overheard, most of which consisted of declarations of how special, important, momentous, blah blah blah this day was. She had no idea what to expect. And he hadn't been any help.

Ichigo leaned in as far as he could without bumping their mortarboards together. Why did she have to be so damn short, and why did these stupid hats have to be shaped so... stupidly? It had been drilled into them yesterday that there was to be no talking, so he pressed his face close to Rukia's to whisper in her ear.

"Don't worry, it's just as easy as it looks. When they call your name, walk up and take your diploma. Stand there a sec, 'cause Yuzu will want to take your picture, then come back around into the line. I'll be right behind you."

Her hair tickled his nose as she nodded. Her eyes narrowed more, but Ichigo was not such a fool that he could fail to recognize determination on her face. Before he knew it, her name was called and she was gliding forward with a self assurance, simultaneously cocky and elegant, that was distinctly Rukia.

The announcement of Ichigo's own name cut short any further contemplation of her demeanor. He started to force a smile as he took his diploma (a promise was a promise, after all, especially to Yuzu), but it proved unnecessary. Karin, putting two fingers to her lips, let out a fiercely shrill whistle, and the ear clasping and horrified looks of his father and other people sitting near her were enough to make Ichigo laugh out loud. Behind her camera, Yuzu was so stoic that Ichigo wondered if his sisters had planned it in advance.

Diploma in hand, Ichigo walked back around to his place in the line beside Rukia. Wide eyed and solemn, she looked up from her own diploma then inched closer to him. When he failed to react she started clearing her throat. He was still oblivious that she wanted his attention, so she tugged sharply on his sleeve until he realized she wanted to say something. She stood on her tip toes as he bent close to her face again.

"Thank you."

Her breath was warm against his ear, but it sent a strong shiver down his spine and an agitating lightness in the pit of his stomach. Ichigo had never felt anything like it, but he had never been close to Rukia like this, either - No. No no no no. It was not Rukia. It was heat stroke or something. Making all the students stand outside in these idiotic robes, it was a wonder half the class hadn't dropped already. And even if it had been Rukia, he was probably just experiencing shock that she could manage to 1), say something quietly, and 2), say thank you at all. Any physical reaction to Rukia was just a fluke.

Although... Ichigo had to admit that was one hell of a fluke. Especially from only two words. It made him wonder if Rukia had felt anything similar when he had been whispering instructions to her.

Well, just in case... He bent his head down again, slowly this time, to prolong the moment. He let his lips brush against her earlobe and wondered if it was his imagination, or did she lean closer into him at the contact?

Ichigo felt a pinch near his temple and tried shifting his head, but the pain grew sharper, and elicited a soft hiss from Rukia. Ichigo had planned to whisper, "You're welcome." Instead he found himself sheepishly murmuring, "Rukia... I think my hair is caught in your bobby pins."