Stef took a big breath and between her tears whispered, "Before we go back out there. There are some things that I need to say to you, and I know there are some things that you need to say to me." She held Lena tight to her, signaling that she should not worry about this conversation. "Can we do that please?"
Lena pulled back slowly, her soul exposed through tear stained eyes. She let her eyes roam over Stef's familiar features. Stef was holding her face as tenderly as she metaphorically held her heart. "Yeah," she barely whispered. Lena made the quick decision to speak first, to whisper again what her heart had been shouting for days, "I am sorry."
Stef shook her head, "I know, and I am sorry too, but that's not all I want to say." She stroked Lena's cheek, "I am sorry for not making you a priority."
This time Lena shook her head, "Stef, you do your best. I know."
Stef shushed her lips with the tip of her finger, "No, I didn't. I neglected you. I am sorry for not treating your like the queen you are. You don't know, but in my heart you are a queen and maybe I've put you on a pedestal. Maybe I think you're so smart and confident that you don't need my support. Maybe I rebel against feeling like you're always right. Maybe that's why I don't include you sometimes. It doesn't matter. I'll probably forget again Lena, but I am going to try. Ok? I heard you, you need me." And Stef smiled, "It's funny because sometimes I think, 'why would she need me? I am not good enough'."
Lena reached for Stef's face this time, stroking the tears that were running down her cheeks, "Oh Stef, you're everything I need. I just need you. Every day I need you." Lena stopped, making sure she had all of Stef's attention, "I am the one that's not good enough for you. I am so sorry that I kept this secret. I'm sorry that I didn't see her intentions. Maybe I didn't want you to shine a light on the secret because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that I didn't stop this in time. I need attention Stef, but it's not right if it isn't from you." Lena sighed. "She fed my ego, but you feed my soul and my heart. I am in love with you."
Once again, Stef smiled, "I know," and she did. She felt it, deep in her core. She felt it in Lena's love, hurt, pain, anger, laughter and even her tears. Everything Lena ever directed at her was full of love. "And just because I am not constantly saying it, doesn't mean I don't love you."
Lena smiled, "I know that too, but Stef, I need to feel it. You don't know what your love feels like, it's so… intense. When it's directed at you, you feel invincible." Lena could finally admit feeling jealous of her children who got that intensity on a daily basis.
"Lena, I don't want to lose you, and I don't think I realized how much you really need me. And how much I need and depend on you." Stef got serious for a second, "I think we need to talk about secrets."
Lena nodded, "Half the time we're hiding things because we're either trying to protect the other or ourselves."
Stef nodded, "We can't do that anymore. I've felt the worst pain I've ever felt this past week," Stef felt Lena tighten her hold on her. "If that's the pain of keeping secrets, I'd rather feel the pain of revealing them. It cannot be worse."
Lena agreed, "It's been eating at me Stef, this secret. I convinced myself that it was for the best, but I couldn't forget it and I could feel it pushing a wedge between us. And soon it had grown so wide, I couldn't bridge that gap anymore. The secret hurt me as much as the times when you kept things from me. So what can we do?"
"We have to make time to talk about us, not the kids. Once a week we should make wife time, and we talk about things. And we remind each other how much it hurts when we keep secrets. Baby, we can get through anything together. We can if we learn to talk again." It sounded so easy, Stef really wanted to believe they could do it.
"I love you Stef." Lena spoke gently, she couldn't say it enough.
"I love you too Lena." And Stef closed the gap, their lips meeting in a familiar, but new way. It felt more honest and real. It felt new and raw. For the past few days, Stef had worried she'd never feel those lips again. She thought, maybe she was dying of cancer, maybe Lena's feelings had strayed. Thankfully, none of those things had turned out to be true, so Stef tightened the embrace and pressed her lips firmly against her love.
Lena finally felt forgiven, but she also felt like she had forgiven as well. The familiar resentment in her gut was gone. In its place was a feeling of belonging to the one woman in the world who could give her everything she'd ever wanted: love, family, affection, attraction.
Eventually, they left the garage, hand in hand, more committed than ever. They had gotten through the worst, and they knew they'd be ok. They came out in time to dance to their daughter's beautiful singing.
Stef decided that there was no time like the present to begin the lasting changes. She loved Lena and there was no point in grudges, they each knew what the other needed. She would give Lena what she needed because she loved her. She turned to her wife and offered, "Would you like to dance?"
Lena smiled, she was surprised that Stef had wanted to dance in public, but instead of bemoaning or bringing attention to the fact, she just slipped right into the awaiting arms. "I'd love nothing more than to be seen dancing with the most beautiful, wonderful woman in the world."
The tempo was upbeat, so they swayed together, not getting too close. They were enjoying the atmosphere which seemed jovial and familial. They found themselves swaying in one spot when Stef noticed, "You know, I think that this is pretty much the exact place that we tied the knot."
Lena smiled, wondering how she hadn't noticed herself, "Yeah, I think you're right about that."
"I think I am." Stef wanted to show Lena, she'd forgiven her. She longed to connect with her, to communicate her love in a way she hadn't done since that day so long ago, "And I meant every single word I said that day. You're the absolute love of my life." Stef cupped Lena's face gently, the way she loved to do whenever she needed their intimacy, "Lena Elizabeth Adams Foster. And nothing will ever, ever, ever, ever change that." And without a care to anyone, they leaned into each other and shared a passionate kiss, reminiscent of the very public one they'd shared on their wedding day. Stef lost herself in the feel of her wife's lips and wondered why they'd strayed so far from each other.
Lena pulled back to look into her wife's eyes. "I love you Stef, thank you for being you and thank you for your big heart that's allowed us to begin to move on." They snuggled into each other and it occurred to Lena that she hadn't discussed all the day's events with Stef. "Mom called Nathan before he apologized."
Stef pulled back surprised, "And you're not upset?"
Lena smiled, "No, I get what mom is doing. She wants her husband happy. I don't think that I ever understood how important that is, till this week. I didn't put you first, us first. If I had, I would have talked to you, insisted on YOUR attention."
"And I didn't put us first either. I am sorry about that. I realize that without you, there's no all this." Stef motioned around them, "Without us, this family would be something else. Your mom might have a point."
"She found a way to make us all happier, and I got my apology. She also said that Nathan was trying to hurt daddy by hurting the one thing he loved the most, mom. So, even dad prioritized his spouse. That's how they made it through the years." Lena looked lovingly at her mom.
Stef smiled, "Go talk to her. I'll be here all night."
"You sure?" Lena was eager to set things clear with everyone.
Stef kissed her wife tenderly, "Absolutely. I'll be here for you, always." Stef knew she'd get her chance later. If they were lucky, they'd get at least 30 more years and make it to 40 years as Lena's parents had done.
Later that night in their bedroom, as everyone had done their part in cleaning up and Lena's parents had departed to their 40th honeymoon, Stef and Lena began their bedtime routine. They'd brushed their teeth and put on their PJs for the night. The atmosphere tonight was much different than the day before. Then, the air had been filled with silence, reproach, anger and finally despair. Tonight, there was hope and love in a bedroom that had been lacking in both since their wedding day.
Stef noticed her wife was hesitating to come to bed. "Lena sweetie, I am waiting." Stef had planned on showing her wife some affection tonight, but Lena was not cooperating.
"Coming…" Lena realized she was putting things off. She was worried she wasn't fully forgiven and worried that she was forgiven. She came and settled on her side of the bed, unsure of what to expect. Stef was laying on her side, waiting for her. She felt the stare before she met her wife's gaze. Immediately, they both felt the urgency to make physical what their hearts had agreed upon in the garage. They would love each other because they did. Their love was worth fighting for and worth working on. So they kissed, side by side, fast and furious at first. They felt an urgency develop quickly. Stef's hands began to travel down Lena's waist, quickly finding the edge of the flowered top. She snuck her hand inside and caressed the soft flesh that met her fingertips. And suddenly the pace slowed. Stef felt an overwhelming feeling of love and needed to savor every kiss. She stopped pushing her groin so urgently against Lena and concentrated on holding her as close as possible. She turned them over and climbed on top of Lena, pushing her legs aside to nestle one of her own in between Lena's. Every inch of their bodies was pressed together. Stef looked at her wife's face open and honest, in a way that she hadn't seen in a long time. "I love you," she whispered against Lena's lips. She was about to close the gap when she noticed a tear leaking out of one Lena's yes. "Love, what's wrong?"
Lena shook her head and tried to will the tear back in, fearful of losing the moment. "Nothing, please don't stop."
Stef shook her head softly, "No, love. No more putting off, no more denials. Tell me. I am not going anywhere."
Lena nodded, "I am just not worthy of you. I was angry, resentful at your secrets, but I am the one who took this to the very edge."
Once again, Stef shook her head, "No, we both did. I can now see what I've done and what you've done and we're putting it behind us. But if you need to cry, you cry." Stef reached up and caressed Lena's hair. Lena promptly buried her head on Stef's shoulder and cried, deep sobs, which seemed to be as much relief as sadness. Stef soon joined her, she'd been holding her grief in since this secret came out. She had been angry and scared. And now she knew that was over, her deepest fears were unfounded. Lena loved her, she loved Lena. The rest they could work on.
Their PJs were soon wet with tears, but slowly through the comfort of their bodies, the tears slowed to a trickle and eventually to smiles. "I love you, Stef." Lena spoke those words again. They kissed, not bothering to wipe their faces. They traded soft kisses before Lena chose to lick Stef's upper lip. Stef quickly acquiesced and allowed a deeper kiss, open and wet as their tongues probed inside. Lena licked the roof of Stef's mouth, because she knew Stef liked it, but also from a desire to explore and taste. Stef was on top but was allowing her wife to dominate her with her kisses. She began to feel Lena's upward thrust. It has been so long since they'd taken the time to just be together. They started to grind harder against each other, when a knock interrupted their love making.
"Moms," followed by more knocking. It was Jude coming to their door.
"One second, baby," came Lena's quick reply. They both gathered themselves quickly, though committed to each other, they knew this type of thing came first. They didn't bother with face washing, they'd just have to look disheveled and emotional. They opened the door, and this boy, whose body was quickly pushing towards adolescence came in.
"Um, can I talk to you guys?" Jude asked shyly, his needs clearly overriding any reluctance to interrupt them.
Stef stepped up and grabbed him by the shoulders, "Of course, baby, come here." She sat him on the bed and waited for him to start.
Jude sighed, "What if Callie is not adopted tomorrow?"
Stef and Lena should have seen this coming, this poor boy was still used to not being lucky in life. Lena took the lead, "Then we keep fighting. We'll always fight for our little girl."
"Life has thrown us many obstacles, but you have to admit, we keep fighting. We have gotten Callie back every single time. No matter what happens tomorrow, we can promise you that." Stef hoped that was enough to appease the boy, knowing it was barely enough for herself.
Jude sat up taller, deciding to really speak his fears, "But what if you get divorced?"
Stef and Lena quickly looked at each other. Stef wondered how far her denial had gone. She recalled the conversation where Lena had asked her if it bothered her that the kids knew they were having troubles. She didn't believe their marriage was in trouble, she didn't want to hear of the damage this could do to their kids. Why hadn't she been listening to her wife? Their marriage had been in trouble and their kids were troubled by it. She now remembered Mariana making digs at them for not having sex. She wondered how Mariana knew, but clearly all the kids did.
Stef took Lena's hand, she would answer. No more denials. "Baby, we're not getting divorced. Your mama and I love each other very much."
"I saw you dancing today and kissing, but you haven't been like that in a long time. And you were fighting loudly just yesterday." Jude answered honestly.
Stef shook her head, "You are right, we haven't been doing well. And we have been in therapy because of it. We have had some issues between us, but it's not because we don't love each other."
"That's what all adults say before they get divorced." Jude knew enough from his friends and TV that adults said that very thing before they got divorced. Even Sophia's dad was saying that right now.
Lena nodded, "That's true because adults, especially adults who share children will always love each other. But Mom and I, we are in love Jude. There's nowhere in the world that we would rather be than in this bed with each other. Sometimes, you forget, and you don't take care of each other. We think we have gotten to the bottom of our issues and we're working hard on them. We are not divorcing, we are more committed to each other than ever."
Jude didn't want to get his hopes up, "Really?"
Stef took Lena's hand in hers, and kissed her hand. "Really. Mama and I, our love is bigger than the issues. We will love each other through this, and we'll love Callie through tomorrow. I promise you that if things change, we will tell you. I don't want you to worry about this right now ok? We love you."
Jude nodded. He believed them and hoped that what they were saying was true. He had never been happier than in this house, where love was the highest priority.
He stepped outside after a warm mama sandwich. "Do you believe in what you said?" Lena asked cautiously.
Stef smiled at her wife, opening her arms wide in invitation. "I do believe that. I don't want to live in denial again. I can't believe I thought the kids weren't worried. I don't want to take you or us for granted again."
Lena nodded, knowing they'd both have to make changes. "Well if we made it ten years, hopefully we can make changes that takes us another 10 years." She knew that they knew how to have a good relationship, but all the stress in their lives had changed everything. They wouldn't need to keep fighting for Jude or Callie anymore. They could settle into normalcy again. They knew how to run that operation. It was time to get back to it. The kids were older, they would have to place more responsibility on them.
Lena buried her head in the crook of her wife's arm. She loved every part of Stef. No one got to see and smell Stef like this, even when the day had taken its toll. Lena didn't care. She loved knowing everything about her wife. "Stef, we have to be up early for court tomorrow."
Stef nodded, thinking that Jude's interruption had snapped her right out of the moment. "I feel comfortable right now." She had been seeking intimacy with her wife, and she'd gotten it. Intimacy wasn't always about sex, sometimes it was about talking, about snuggling, about being private. They slept in each other's arms, needing the physical reassurance of their presence.
