Computer Apocalypse
Chapter One: The Explanation
"What the hell? How'd I get in Station Square?" asked Sonic aloud. Sonic looked around only to see his friends, Tails, Knuckles, Amy, Shadow, Cream, Espio, Rouge, Vector, and hell, even that complete loner Big was here.
"What the hell?" Amy asked.
"Hey Sonic, how'd we all get here?" asked Tails.
"How'd we not?" retorted Shadow, trying to be all bad ass.
"5HAD0W! Y0Ur 71M1NG 15 1MP3CCAB73!1!11one! (Computer Slang Translation: Shadow, your timing is impeccable)" blurted Vector.
Just then a flying computer screen flew over to the Sonic Team. It turned on to show an unmoving picture of Eggman's face.
"Hi Sonic and friends!" yelled the Egg computer.
"Hi!" Knuckles said while waving his arm around stupidly.
"Eggman! PREPARE TO DIE!" Shadow yelled. Shadow pulled out a katana from his pants and started swinging it at the Egg computer, but Shadow kinda sucks at life and missed... 16 times…
"5HAD0W, 570P A77ACK1NG H1M U n00BZ0RZ! (Computer Slang Translation: Pineapple)" Vector yelled.
"What?" Cream asked.
"Don't worry, I've lived with him for 2 years, and not even I understand him. I blame that game 'Shadow the Hedgehog' on his hard-to-understand language." Espio explained.
"BURN IN HELL YOU DAMN CROCKODILE! CHAOS BLAST!" yelled Shadow. Shadow started glowing yellow, and did that DBZ rip-off pose, as a Kame-hame- I mean a Chaos Blast shot out from his hands.
"Z0MGZ, F1ND 73H C0MPU73R R00MZORZ! (Computer Slang Translation: Oh my good golly gosh, find the computer room)" Vector yelled. Vector got hit, head on with the blast. It's super effective! Vector fainted.
"Is Vector alright?" asked Sonic.
"How the hell does Shadow keep a katana in his pants?" questioned Knuckles aloud, "Does Shadow even wear pants? How come I don't wear pants? Who am I? For what purpose do I exist?"
Sonic started walking towards the downed Vector.
"STAY BACK YOU FAKER! I KILL YOU, I KILL YOU, AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY!" yelled Shadow as Sonic went into a fetal position.
"Enough of this nonsense!" yelled Eggman.
"Hi Dr. Eggman!" Knuckles stupidly waved.
"Oh yeah, I forgot you were here. How did we get here?" questioned Tails.
"Er… I put you in here, in my computer. Think of it as a video game that I can't control." Eggman explained.
"Dah, Eggperson, where's da baaathroom?" asked Big, clutching his no-no spot, doing the "I have to urinate" dance.
"CHAOS BLAST YOU OBESE CHILD!" Shadow blasted Big with a Chaos Blast. Chaos blast hit Big. No effect. "DAMN, NOT HERE! I FORGOT CHAOS DOESN'T WORK ON STUPID PEOPLE!"
"FROOOOGYYYYY!" yelled Big. Froggy then jumped on Big's head in a pleasurable way… REALLY pleasurable… Even more pleasurable than my last girlfriend… which isn't saying much… that cheater…
"I wonder what Froggy and Big do alone on Friday nights… in the forest house… alone… naked…" Tails asked.
Flash Back
"Check" Froggy said. Big looked around at his pieces. Big moved his king.
"Da… Check!" Big said stupidly.
"Big, you do know that that youu can not do that because you just made yourself into a checkmate. Not only that, but you moved a man's ear, not a queen." Froggy said.
"JESUS, HELP ME!! THAT FAT ASS JUST RIPPED OFF MY EAR!!!" a man cried trying to get away from the dumb fat cat.
"FROGGY! YOU CAN TALK?" Big yelled. Big started to chase the defenseless frog.
"God, I hate my life…" Froggy complained.
"SERIOUS!! HELP ME!" cried the man as he closed his eyes… to die alone to the hands of a mentally retarded cat.
Flash back over
"That poor frog…" Tails said.
"That poor man…" Sonic said.
"That poor retarded cat…" Knuckles said.
"Um, as I was saying, this is just a computer simulation I trapped you in, as I rule the world. You will be left free, if each of you finish the five tasks I set up." continued Eggman, "These tasks will work on your strengths, weaknesses. Power, discovery, diversity, and social skills."
'Social skills?' Shadow thought, 'Damn, I can't do this…'
"So why'd you bring us here?" asked Tails.
"I brought you here because in every single game the Sonic Team has made, my plans go wrong because you exist. So if I get you dick lips off of the face of the Earth, my problems, your problems, and America's problems will be solved. Well, not America because of the president, but I can't talk about that here with out getting killed by the governator." answered Eggman.
"How could it help us, you, and hopefully America?" asked Tails.
"It will help you because of the tasks I give you. The tasks will make you better people on the inside. It will help me because I'll rule the world, and it will not help America in any way, as I told you." answered Eggman.
"There's not way in hell I'll let you rule the world Eggman!" yelled Sonic. Just then the Egg computer opened up and shot electric rings at the Sonic Team. It attached itself on to the right leg of each person.
"If you attack me, whenever I visit, I will zap you! It hurts!" Eggman threatened. Just then Sonic jumped at Eggman. Sonic stopped midway because he got shocked, and he fell on the ground.
"Ah! My gallbladder burns!" Sonic yelled, writhing in pain, clutching his… where ever the gallbladder is.
"Sonic!" yelled Amy. Amy ran towards Sonic, but Amy got shocked too.
"Ok, I will leave you for a month. You do five tasks each. By the end of the month, you will return to the real world IF you do the five tasks. If you do not, you will be left behind, to await… dramatic pause Computer apocalypse." Said Eggman.
"Eggman, why isn't Charmy here?" asked Espio.
"Shouldn't you know? He's a master mechanic! And besides, when I die due to a heart attack or an obese kid thinking I'm an egg and cook me, he will be the next evil scientist. Besides, he's pretty cute!" answered Eggman, "So, any more questions?"
"Who am I? For what purpose do I exist?" asked Knuckles.
"What are you smoking? You must have really good crack, or really bad weed..." asked Eggman.
"ANSWER HIS DAMN QUESTION OR I KILL YOU! I KILL YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY!" yelled Shadow. Shadow pointed his katana at the screen...
Eggman sighed, and then answered, "You are Knuckles the Echidna, and you are the guardian of the emeralds. So, any more questions?"
"Will I ever find true love?" asked Knuckles.
"Ummmm… Sure, definitely, any more questions? Last question." said Eggman.
"Why do fools fall in lo-" Knuckles was tackled by Rouge.
"Don't waste our answers away with anymore of your stupid questions!" chided Rouge.
"Why are you letting us free for one month if you want to rule the world? I mean, you rule the world, ONCE, and then when we comeback, we'll freaking kick your ass again and make it normal again." asked Tails.
"There are tasks I'll be giving you tomorrow, so just go to the Station Warehouse, front desk clipboard, which is basically the meeting place of all you. There is a bulletin board in to the left of the reception desk, and Tails, for your question… Uh… Idunnogottagobye!" Eggman answered. The Egg computer flew off.
"O…K…? That was weird, I guess." said Tails.
"That's what she said!" Knuckles said.
"That didn't even make any sense…" Rouge said.
"That's what she said!" Knuckles said.
"You're an ass..." Rouge sighed as she walked away.
"This basically is Station Square, so we can just hang out untill tomorrow I guess." said Amy. Amy walked away, to sightsee around Station Square.
"I know my purpose in life! It's to go to the Station Square hotel! I MUST COMPLETE MY GOAL!" yelled Knuckles.
"What about Mr. Vector?" asked Cream.
"Leave him be. We'll tell him tomorrow!" said Shadow.
"Why? I mean, somebody can abduct him, and Vector would die a virgin…" Knuckles asked.
"I FREAKING SAID TO LEAVE HIM HERE YOU DAMN RED GUY!" Shadow said.
"Shadow, you do know that wasn't insulting at all right?" asked Tails. Knuckles began to cry at Shadow's insult. Shadow started laughing like Howard Sterns to his own jokes. Tails sweat dropped, "Well… that wasn't insulting to me at least…"
"Where do we meet tomorrow?" asked Rouge.
"We'll meet here." Espio said pointing to a Flamerz Bar. Everybody looked at Espio weirdly.
"Espio… Are you slightly homosexual?" asked Sonic.
"I was pointing to that empty warehouse you perverts!" yelled Espio, blushing.
"Well, the meeting area is settled, and Espio's sexual orientation is kinda settled too… So all that's left to do is to get a place to stay." Tails said.
"Damn it! We're going to have to work to pay the rent aren't we? I'm horrible at job interviews!" Knuckles cried.
Flash back
"So, you wanna be a Pokemon master, right?" Ash Ketchum asked.
"Sir, I don't mean to sound rude but… you're forty and you are still a virgin. You had so many chances at losing it, with Misty, May, Max, Dawn, Cynthia, Brock, Chuck Norris, Generic Trainer #81, an awkward handjob, Officer Jenny, Jesse, James, Meowth, and many more people, and you still didn't hit it off." Knuckles said.
"So?" Ash asked in a pissed off tone as he stood up.
"What I'm saying is, I don't think I can work for someone like you. I mean, how will I get raises if you're not experienced enough in the art of animal loving?" Knuckles admitted. Just then, Ash pressed a button and Knuckles went unconscious. Next day, Knuckles woke up in a Pokeball.
Flash back over
"I still am a Pokemon… two more levels until I learn Splash, and 4 more till evolve into Shadow." Knuckles said.
"What about me?" Shadow threatened.
"Penis." Tails said.
"Yeah!" Shadow yelled.
"We don't need to work, cause I know an apartment that is so bad, that it charges for free." Rouge said.
"Like Paris Hilton?" Tails asked.
"Hell yeah." Rouge answered.
"It's settled then, let's get a room!" Cream said.
"I'm too lazy. I'm gonna party! See you losers tomorrow!" Sonic said. Sonic dashed off, down the streets of Station Square, at the speed of sound.
