Metamorphosis of two

AN – so here we are. Another shot at something I've been missing. I've had a rough day and need a bit of romance in my life. Well pregnancy hormones... ;o)

I wanted to set this into metamorphosis but as I don't have a chance to rewatch the ep now, let's stick to 'after' :o)


Sam didn't know how much time had passed. She was on her couch, week after coming back through the Gate. When Janet did all possible tests and gave her clean bill of health, Sam went home. Alone. Was it this morning? She couldn't tell. Things were in a blur.

She looked around and took in her surroundings. Everything seemed normal. She looked at her hands, and again, all normal. She took several showers and would probably take some more to take a look at her body – but so far everything was as it used to be.

She was okay. Rationally she knew. But her nightmares tried to tell her different version. In some of them she died in the machine. In others she turned into a puddle of water. The details would vary one nightmare to another. Still she would wake up and check herself in a mirror.

Sam knew she should probably go and see a shrink. And she would have to if she wanted to be cleared for active duty. But firstly she needed to deal with it herself.

This whole mission was a mess. Well Jonas did a good job, if it weren't for him...

But she failed. She failed them all. In that damn room she should have been more careful. She shouldn't have let Nirrti shoot her. Such a stupid mistake!

The machine... she was fascinated by it. She wanted to study it. She wanted to understand it. And then when she was put through it? She wanted to take Teal'c's stuff weapon and shoot it! Okay so that wouldn't be fair to the locals, they deserved their chance to heal and destroy the machine any way they wanted to.

She cuddled a huge pillow to her chest and tugged her feet under her. There was something else on her mind. Something that was even worse for her than the whole DNA changing experience. Thinking she was about to die, she gave in. She let herself feel what she worked on so hard to keep buried.

The only consolation she could find back then back there was her companion in the cell. Jack O'Neill. If she was to die in somebody's arms there was no better person. She knew it would haunt him like another death he would never forgive himself for but in all that shit she was in she allowed herself to be a bit selfish. She felt grateful that she could die in Jack arms.

She wasn't sure what exactly she had told him in her delirious state. Did she call him Jack? Did she say she was sorry? Did she tell him how deeply she cared? Did she hold his hand? Did she allow herself to cry? Did she ask him not to leave her? Did she ask for forgiveness? Did she tell him she love him? She didn't know.

When he took her into his arms and took her up to the machine room, she held him for dear life, she cried into his shirt, she asked him not to let her die alone. And he? He told her to hold on, he told her not to leave him, he asked her to forgive him and just when she thought she was about to die he kissed her into her hair and whispered something she didn't catch.

Sam wasn't sure she could cope with all this.

They've been in these situations before. They had to face their emotions and deepest secrets and then move on pretending nothing happened. But this time it all felt different. Something changed. Maybe it was just too much, she reached the point where she couldn't keep going anymore.

Losing Daniel, almost losing Jack, then again in Ba'al's prison, then this. Maybe, just maybe, she couldn't handle it anymore. And thinking back to the previous years... she was done. This was it.

Sam cried herself to sleep that night.

Little she knew she wasn't the only one in the middle of emotional turmoil.

Jack O'Neill was a strong man. He knew that. He was tough and after everything he had lived through he would say he would deal with everything. But there was one thing he couldn't live with.

Losing Carter.

After everything he lived through, after everything they all witnessed and survived going through the gate, he thought he would and could deal with everything and anything. Losing Daniel was difficult but he had someone he could hold onto. Sam.

Losing Sam? That was not an option.

And suddenly she was about to die in his arms. How the hell did that happen?!

All those times before this something could have been done. But this time he was truly helpless. He watched her suffer and there was nothing he could do. He offered her all he could, his arms, his support – and in the end – his love. He confessed his feelings, he told her he loved her and begged her to fight it, to stay with him, not to leave him.

And before he had a chance to re-think it, he kissed her. First just into her hair but then he kissed her onto the lips, he kissed her and knew the kiss would haunt him for the rest of his life because she would either die and it would be the last kiss they should share or she would survive and they would be back to the status quo they both hated so much but learned how to live with and there would be no other kiss.

There was nothing he wanted more than being allowed – and being able – to kiss her every day for the rest of his life.

And suddenly she was healed and out of reach again. And he knew it. There was no easy way how to go back to status quo this time. Not this time.

On their way from the temple Sam almost fainted. And he was right next to her so he took her into his arms. She held him, head buried into his neck. She let him carry her. Nobody said a word. They just needed the extra time to adjust. Those few extra moments of skin to skin contact, no words needed or allowed.

In front of the Gate Jack put her down. Should Janet see her being carried she wouldn't let her leave the infirmary in ages. Sam walked through the Gate by Jonas's side.

Jack stopped by the infirmary to check upon her but she was asleep. He stayed for a few hours but then in the sake of his own mind and heart he left. He gave his report and asked for some downtime for his team which he got easily.

And now it was a week – whole week – after almost losing her. She could have died in his arms. Like he could have died in hers many times over. Life wasn't fair.

Jack did a lot of thinking and realized one thing. No job was worth this. Not even this job. There were others that could save the planet or the galaxy, there were younger and better people for the job. He had lost and sacrificed too much. And he almost lost everything. And that was more than he could bear.

There was just one question left to answer and he couldn't answer it himself.

He had few hours till sunrise and few more till it was okay for him to drop by with hot chocolate and cookies and few pieces of apple-almond pie. He couldn't actually believe he was about to do this though. He should be away at his cabin building walls around his heart so he could keep her away. Like usually. But something in him died back on that planet and something awoke. And he didn't care about what he should do anymore.