Humour no Jutsu

Standard disclaimers apply.

This story is an adjusted version of the one I posted about 13 months ago. It had little success, perhaps because of the timing but it might have been the randomness of events I put into it or my lame pen name. I thought the writing style could use some patching up as well.

About the storyline; it does not fit in at a special part at the series thus you needn't fear any spoilers. If you want a context anyway, then just imagine this taking place just before our beloved Sasuke left the village. Also, the fight on the hospital roof didn't happen, this way I can avoid the tedious angst, which isn't in place in a humorous fic anyway.
I use the most known characters, but especially the ones I find intriguing.
The whole idea is just to present you a light-heartened story. Enjoy!

Chapter I ; Meet the first patients!

"Perverts!" the decidedly female screech reverberated throughout the village, bringing wistful smiles over many a geezer's wrinkled faces and a wince of sympathy from Kakashi, who had already learned the hard way that he had best to get his dose of perverted pleasure from his questionable booklets instead of hoping to catch a glimpse of the "heterosexual male paradise" otherwise known as the Konoha hot springs. While these hot springs were widely known for their attractive clientele, they were just as much a life-size death trap for any heterosexual male not completely in control of his hormones. All too familiar with this was Konoha's residential self-proclaimed super-pervert who was, as we speak, running for his sorry excuse for a life. This time, however, he wasn't alone.
Naruto was running for his life, side by side with a grinning old hermit, while being chased through and around the village by a pack of really pissed-off screaming and barely dressed females.

"Damn, you freaking pervert! How many times does this have to happen before you'll understand that peeking into the hot springs, while dressed up as a spring cleaner, isn't going to work!"

An aggravated Naruto looked up at his now panicking, said to be, sensei. "Whatever brat, just don't stop running" was Jiraya's form of an eloquent reply.

The two figures turned a corner only to duck into a side ally which got passed about a second later by a group of scantily clad women, some of them holding various forms of lethal weaponry ranging form viciously sharpened hair pins to the bane of manhood itself, yes you guessed it right, pointed high heels. Don't think high-heels are all that dangerous? Well, I'd like to see your expression when having your family jewels get introduced to them.
Master and student alike shuddered at the thought of those aquiline tips before letting out a deeply relieved breath. Common enmity forgotten in the wake of their bond as colleagues in perverseness, they went straight to the local ramen bar. Bystanders shot questioning looks as the strange duo dropped themselves exhausted into the bar muttering about the preservation of their potential offspring.


"Sasuke-kun?" Sakura had been spending the last 6 hours looking for her target for marriage. She wasn't even near giving up.

"No way in hell", cheered inner Sakura. Sakura's charming alternative personality apparently didn't have the words "serenity", "contemplation" and "submissiveness" in her psychological dictionary. Nobody's perfect though, Sakura herself wouldn't recognise a hopeless situation when it came up in her face and socked her soundly on the nose.

Since Naruto had been sent on a mission with Jiraya-sama, Pinky, as Kakashi often referred to her, and Sasuke were to handle all the missions which were given to team 7.
All those fun D-ranked missions, every one of them as useless and humiliatingly easy as the previous one, sure filled them with a warm, fussy feeling of how appreciated they were. Getting these generally condescending assignments ("Team 7, you'll be cleaning the sewer this afternoon.") did have an upside though. As the D-ranked missions were usually accomplished within half a day's work, they both had a substantial amount of spare time. This kind of period was actually labelled as "Training Time" or "Team-bonding Happy-hour". Seeing as she had a choice between these two, Sakura opted for the team-bonding. Considering Kakashi's total unreliability concerning showing up on time for appointments or rendezvous alike and Naruto's absence, she opted to invest all of her time in chasing down the year's number one rooky and survivor of the noble house of Uchiha, Uchiha bloody Sasuke for a little session of "Team-bonding Happy-hour".
Last phrase's keyword being "chasing", since the prodigy preferred his "silent-brooding-hour", which he thought of as mandatory for all avengers.

After another 2 hours of running over town and calling out her flame's name, she collapsed onto the nearest curve. A women going out of the baker's almost tripped over the resting body of Sakura. "Oi, young lady!", she said while poking the immovable girl on the ground, "You still alive?"
Sakura grunted and mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like "Sasuke, not there, I'm not ready" in her sleep.

"oh, how adorable" the woman muttered, and she chose not to disturb the young girl in her sleep. Instead, she smiled benignly to the kunoichi's unconscious form and walked home, all the way sporting a melancholic expression. Seeing the girl had reminded her about a crush she once had on a certain Jounin. Her fading form could be heard murmuring in a dreamy voice "Ah Gai, my shy virile furry green beast".

Sasuke himself just came round the corner when he noticed a pink haired girl, that looked very familiar, lying quite dishevelled on the curve while people unsuccessfully tried not to fall over her. He also couldn't help but notice the rather substantial puddle of saliva pooling forth from her parted lips. Nothing more than a "hmf" came out of the uchiha's mound. And so the youth walked past, totally ignoring her as he went to the bakers for a loaf of bread.
Stoic prodigy or not, you still got to eat.


"Kakashi, I challenge you to a duel!" yelled an energetic middle-aged jounin with humongous black eyebrows and a hidious haircut which would have looked quite dashing about 500 years ago, give or take a few decennia.

Knowing from experiences past that there was simply no way out of it, team 7's sensei gave in after an audible sigh. "... What are the rules this time, Gai?", The tall jounin sighed, knowing he'd probably live to regret this. At least the copy ninja could try to limit the damage. "It better not be that game called ; "Catch the sprinkler's water drops",
And I do not want to participate in a challenge of drinking the most past-dated milk either, got that?"

Kakashi gave an involuntary shudder thinking back to this last "challenge". It was more an act of stupidity following a previous challenge, namely the infamous "Sake-drinking-contest".

He still got sick when confronted with a milk carton.

"No," was the capricious idiot's reply, "it's a challenge which I invented yesterday! In fact, I came up with this when finishing my self-imposed house-of-toothpicks challenge" Gai seemed to burst trying to contain his giddiness.

Kakashi, himself already well-acquainted with foregoing bursts of Gai's rampant imagination braced himself for impact feeling something dim-witted approaching. A telltale sign of this was his stupidity sensor giving off a blaring 'RED ALERT' before magically sprouting legs and running for its life.
In these instances, Kakashi felt grateful for having insurance as Gai had impulsiveness down to a science, usually making sure none got away unscathed.

"It's a game where we toss a bunch of wooden or plastic sticks upon a bundle..." (Gai's voice was reaching a peak) "and then we will, one by one, pull a single stick out. The one that makes the bundle shift or collapse, loses!"
Gai had his giant saucer-like eyes filled to the brim with expectation aimed at his rival while he was trying to keep his breath from becoming too erratic, because if that was to happen, he would start to hyperventilate again which would subsequently lead to having to do 50 push-ups with his tongue just to burn off all the excess oxygen. Gai wasn't a very picky man, but the taste of sand wasn't all that high on his culinary list.

Kakashi took his time while thinking over what Gai had said and finally made a move just before Gai would get a heart attack from his ever increasing excitement.

He opened his jacket and took out a small plastic wrapping which contained several coloured wooden sticks. On the side of the package was a ticket that read ; MIKADO. Gai stood flabbergasted when Kakashi calmly asked, "So you want to play a game of Mikado huh?"

An hour later Gai loudly cursed his rival's very existence, proclaiming a rather offensive creature had relieved itself in the other jounin's gene pool amongst other things, only to end with a rather lame accusation. "Kakashi, you're cheating!"

Gai went on with his rant, "You deliberately pulled the one perpendicular to mine so that I cannot make a move without the whole thing falling over! That's cheating!" Kakashi sighed while contemplating if it was even worth the trouble of explaining to Thick-brows sr. that this was the game's goal all along. Apparently, not just his eyebrows merited the adjective "thick".

They decided to settle the whole argument by a drinking contest which ended in a draw, leaving Konoha with two nigh comatose jounins and a substantial liquor shortage.


AN : This is an introduction of some sorts of some of the future Konoha mental patients. Although this chapter might seem completely random, it is not, fear not people, there is a plotline!

So, what did you think of this?
Have remark about grammar, spelling, layout or writing style in general?
Got some ideas you want to see realised?
Have a suggestion pertaining to one of the characters?
Wish to see a character of your choice or maybe even a pairing? But do keep in mind that this is humour!

Then you know what to do, R&R, even if you hate this, please explain why. Else there is little chance of improvement.