First of all, I would like to say this, before we continue. I am utterly tired of people making fun of my cooking, or how my food is poisonous and will result in immediate death if consumed, the latter of which is utter poppycock. Really, exaggeration is one thing, but that is going too far.
Therefore, I will show the entire world how amazing English cuisine is! Starting with...the hard-boiled egg!
Step one: This is the most important step. If you mess up step one, you will not be able to do any of the other steps. That is obviously why this is step ONE.
Turn on the stove. If you have an electric one, just press the button, like this - *ZAAAP!*
All right, that was not supposed to happen...blasted modern technology. Ouch, that stung. Anyway, you want to turn on your stove just like that, minus the part where you hurt yourself. I meant to do that on purpose, to show you what not to do.
If you live in an older house and have a gas stove, turn on the gas first, then find a match. Afterwards, you light the match and hold it to the gas stove to ignite it and get a good fire.
*VERY LARGE EXPLOSION*
After emerging with a blackened face and finally putting out the fire in your kitchen, it will be imperative to realize that the correct way to turn on a gas stove is to light the flame before turning on the gas.
If you are just a plain old geezer and still cook your fire over the hearth, well, you need to go out and chop a bunch of trees down for firewood (make sure you've got a permit to chop down trees or something like that before you get fined by those bloody park rangers) or simply go out to your local store and buy a bag of firewood. Then, light the firewood - why is it not working? Maybe you'd need some newspapers or some lighter fluid - oh, bugger, I'm not even going to attempt this; I already have the electric stove over there and DEAR LORD THE GAS STOVE IS STILL ON!
So, you see, this is a very, very complicated process, and you will have to be careful. PEOPLE HAVE DIED DOING THIS!
Ahem...anyway...
Step two: Put the pot on the stove. It depends on how many eggs you want to boil. If you have one egg, use a small pot. If you have two eggs, use a slightly larger pot. If you have six dozen eggs, check your head and rethink why you even bought that many, and why you are trying to boil all of them at once.
If you have an electric pot, plug it in (but turn off the stove first; you won't need it! I know that much), just like this. Hold the rubber part, not the metal, with your forefinger and thumb, and slowly and carefully insert the metal parts into the electric outlet in the wall. Wait, why isn't it going in? It should fit! I bought a perfectly standard electric plug and wire - I should sue that guy who sold be this! Oh wait, it's facing the wrong way...
See, you may titter now, but this is a very difficult step - even a master like me can mess up sometimes. You want to make sure that the larger end of the plug corresponds to the larger end of the plug. Otherwise, the plug won't fit.
That being said, just plug in the electric stove and - *ZAAAP!*
BLASTED ELECTRONIC DEVICES!
Step three: Take the pot off the stove again - OUCH! Ow...I meant to do that! You should never hold onto a hot pot without protective gloves or else you'll burn yourself. Fill the pot up to the very top with water...no, it's not supposed to hiss and bubble like that...put the egg in, and close the lid - oh dear, it's too full. If you have too much water pour it out again.
Darn, dropped the egg. I should clean that up - *crash*
Another thing about the kitchen is that you should clean up all spills immediately, whether water or a cracked egg. Shoot, now my clothes are all dirty.
Step four: fill the pot up with water again, this time not so much, and put the egg(s) in the water. Then, close the lid, and put the pot on the stove.
Step five: Wait for the water to boil.
Step six: Keep waiting.
Step seven: Make yourself some tea and read a book or five while waiting.
Step eight: Forget about the egg altogether.
Step nine: Smell smoke in the kitchen.
Step ten: Ignore it; since you are too engrossed in your 800th reread of Hamlet.
Step eleven: Realize that your eggs are burning.
Step twelve: Run to the kitchen to find that all the water in the pot has boiled over and the eggs have exploded.
Step thirteen: Feed the remains of your boiled egg to those odd, anime-obsessed girls that keep showing up at your house at the oddest of hours - my egg recipe is that good, see! Those girls are perfectly happy to eat it!
Or, maybe they just like you. *wink* *wink*
France! Get out of here, you wino! This is my show!
But I want to show the beauty of the French cuisine! And MY beauty *wink* as well, of course.
Not in my house, you don't!
To my readers: I apologize that the boiled eggs did not turn out as you expected. I am extremely sorry that your eggs did not result perfectly boiled as promised.
However, you cannot blame me, because I don't know what France was and is thinking and I still cannot prevent him from barging into my house at the oddest of hours like those anime-obsessed girls. The recipe was perfectly fine, though, am I correct?
