Author's note: This story will only be updated when inspiration strikes. Or you can message me with prompts and I'll see how to integrate them in the story. No guarantees, though.
Warning: This story has lots of swearing and some violence. Plus, I took plenty of liberties with the timeline of the manga just to stick these characters together. XD
They were Team Hebi.
They were fearless. They were powerful. They were S-class level, wanted by even the Akatsuki.
They were now trekking through a godforsaken forest, being bitten by mosquitoes.
It was right after Sasuke had healed from fighting Deidara and killing Manda. Naturally, with Sasuke's single-minded obsession with Itachi, they had gotten right back to hunting him down.
Suigetsu had no problems with that. Sasuke was insane, and insanely powerful. He was just glad all that insanity was directed towards Itachi.
What he did have a problem with, though, was this. Sasuke's complete lack of organisation and system when it came to scouting for someone. It got him bitten by nasty mosquitoes and leeches, damn it.
Not even turning random body parts into liquid helped.
"Damn it, Sasuke, when are we gonna reach your brother already?" whined Suigetsu, slapping his arm to hit yet another mosquito.
"We will get there when we get there," Sasuke replied in a low monotone. His eyes were glaring straight ahead, filled with zeal and insane single-mindedness. "It will be difficult to find him. Itachi is sneaky, Itachi is tricky, Itachi is devious, Itachi is-"
"Okaay..." interrupted Suigetsu exasperatedly, rolling his eyes. "I get it. Itachi is a sly bastard."
Sasuke nodded with satisfaction. He used his katana to slice through the tall leaves in front of him, narrowing his eyes even further.
"Suigetsu!" Karin screeched. She punched his face and he flew into a tree, letting out a splat. Literally.
Karin breathed heavily in her anger as Suigetsu reformed himself with an angry grumble. "Stop questioning Sasuke-kun! He knows what we're doing! He always does..."
She trailed off in a lovesick sigh, and looked at Sasuke from the corner of her eye. She turned pink as she watched his muscles contort in his elegant movements, looking just like the regal prince from her dream the night before-
"What the fuck, Karin," snapped Suigetsu. He flicked his neck side to side, letting out a crack. Then he lifted a hand to rub it bad-temperedly. "Even you must hate this, you're getting uglier by the second."
"Suigetsu!" Karin screamed. She lifted a hand to punch him again. But before Suigetsu deflected her automatically, they were interrupted by another slicing sound made by Sasuke's katana. It was immediately followed by a loud, strangled squawk.
"Sasuke!" exclaimed Suigetsu.
The squawk was followed by loud gushing sounds. Spurts of blood came splashing out, flicking against the greenery. Erratic flapping sounds resounded.
Then a headless chicken came running out into their clearing.
All of Team Hebi's members stared at it.
"Sasuke!" said Suigetsu again. He groaned. "You killed another animal again! This time completely by accident!"
Sasuke waved dismissively at him. "That's fine. We can eat this chicken for dinner tonight. Juugo." He turned to the boy, then jerked his head at the chicken. "Go grab it."
As though in response, the chicken flapped its wings in desperation. Suigetsu was sure it would have squawked if it still had a head.
"Um...sure..." said Juugo. He walked slowly towards the bird.
"Wait, wait," Suigetsu interrupted, while lifting both his hands. Juugo paused in his movements.
Suigetsu went on, "Normally, I would agree with you. We all love chicken, right?"
Everyone nodded. Suigetsu nodded vigorously with them.
"But this time..." Suigetsu turned to glare at his team leader. "Sasuke!"
Sasuke directed a nonchalant glare at him in response.
"Y-you!" Suigetsu pointed at him in frustration. "This is the second animal you've randomly killed! What the hell! Treat animals better, damn it!"
Sasuke scoffed. "The one who is a craftsman in the act of killing is lecturing me to be kind to animals. How ironic."
"That's not the point!" said Suigetsu exasperatedly. "The point is that Manda was one of your summons! And you treated him cruelly. This chicken here..." He gestured towards the bird.
It flapped its wings weakly, hopping about on the spot.
"...it only shows that you haven't learnt at all from what I told you before!" Suigetsu finished.
"I don't care," replied Sasuke flatly. "All you need to do is follow my lead. That's why you are part of Team Hebi. Stop lecturing me about such pointless things." He turned to Juugo and jerked his head at the bird again. "Go grab the chicken."
"You call us Team Hebi but you go ahead and kill our mascot," Suigetsu said sarcastically.
Sasuke said nothing in response. He merely turned around and started slicing at the grass in front of him. Juugo awkwardly scratched his neck, and moved towards the headless chicken.
A mosquito buzzed around Suigetsu's ear. He reached up to smack it, and his head turned into liquid for a second from the power of his slap.
Suigetsu let out another frustrated sigh, and began again, "Hey, Sasuke-"
Slice. Then he was interrupted by another squawk and more splashing sounds of blood. Suigetsu widened his eyes as yet another headless chicken ran into the clearing.
"What!" he exclaimed.
"How many chickens are there," Sasuke merely said monotonously. "Juugo." He turned to the boy again.
Juugo nodded and moved towards the other chicken. Drops of blood followed wherever he went.
Another mosquito buzzed around Suigetsu's ear. He slapped it, his head momentarily turning into liquid again. Frustration was building with him, it was rising within him, it was making him want to scream, it was starting to overflow like the liquid that his body could turn into-
"Okay, you know what, Sasuke!" shouted Suigetsu at last.
Everyone turned to look at him. Karin immediately frowned at his outburst.
"I've just-" he let out an incoherent scream of frustration. More mosquitoes were buzzing around him. He flailed his arms wildly, smacking himself everywhere. Several of his body parts turned into liquid. He felt like something, probably a leech, was sucking his butt.
"I've had enough!" he bellowed. "You have absolutely no idea what you're doing!" He pointed a shaking finger at Sasuke. "We've been trekking through this...this..." he kicked around the grass, "...this fucking godforsaken forest for hours now, and you haven't shown any signs of scouting ability!"
He let out another muffled curse. "All you've done so far, is gather all of us crazy people together, kill a snake, and kill those two chickens!"
He gestured at Juugo. Both the chickens in his arms flapped weakly, and Juugo tried to make himself look small.
"I've had enough!" said Suigetsu again. "Enough of your insanity and lack of scouting ability and your animal cruelty!"
He turned around and started stomping away. "I'm leaving! I don't owe you nothing! Don't come looking for me! See ya never, suckers!"
The stomping sounds faded away as Suigetsu went deeper and deeper into the forest away from the other three members of Team Hebi. They merely stared at him as he left, watching the grass part in his angry movements.
Then Karin and Juugo turned to look at Sasuke.
He was glaring at the direction where Suigetsu left. After a few seconds, he merely turned away, and started slicing through the grass again.
"Just leave him be," he said calmly, as he swung his katana. "If we see him again, we'll kill him. Right now, it is more important for us to look for Itachi." His eyes narrowed as he spoke That Man's name.
Juugo shrugged while Karin nodded eagerly in agreement. They trudged after Sasuke as he sliced through more tall grass.
"At least there's more chicken for us tonight," muttered Juugo.
"Yet another chicken, how many animals will he kill already…" Suigetsu was muttering to himself as he trudged through the forest.
It had already been more than two hours since he left Team Hebi. Suigetsu had secretly thought they were going to come after him and kill him. But after flailing his giant sword madly for over an hour and yelling out battle cries, he conceded they were never going after him.
"Good!" said Suigetsu. He scowled. "I hate them!"
The only response he received was the sound of more buzzing mosquitoes. One of them flew near his butt.
He smacked his butt immediately. The mosquito died, but he felt a disgusting squishiness. "That leech!"
Suigetsu swore. He knew it was just going to bulge grotesquely from having sucked so much of his blood. He had to get it out.
He placed his fingers around the band of his pants. Then he cast a glance around the clearing he was standing in. Good, he thought. No one around. Wouldn't wanna flash my ass to anyone.
Slowly, he started pulling his pants down. Right before he could even reach his butt however, he was suddenly interrupted by a string of swear words.
"Fuck this, fuck that, fuck everything! And fuck Kakuzu most of all! Lord Jashin will smite all of you fucking heathens..."
He quickly released his pants, and pulled out his sword, turning to face the intruder.
A few seconds of silence passed. Then someone suddenly barrelled into him, knocking all the breath out of him.
He swore. "Shi-"
"Fuc-" The stranger said at the same time.
Out of reflex, Suigetsu slashed his giant sword. The stranger leapt back at his movement, but Suigetsu still managed to slash a deep gash in his chest.
Blood spurted out of the gash, spraying both of them.
The red fountain continued spraying them for a few seconds until the stranger had the sense to take off the black cloak he was wearing and plug the gash.
Suigetsu gaped. The man had been shirtless.
As he pressed the cloak over his wound, he looked up to glare at Suigetsu. "The fuck's wrong with you! If you sway a giant sword like that, it's sure as fuck's gonna slash random passersby!"
Suigetsu continued gaping at him for a few seconds before closing his mouth. He scowled at the man.
"You're the one who slammed into me, bastard!"
The man flipped him off. "This is a fucking forest! Free reign for anyone to run anywhere!"
"I can't deal with you!" shouted Suigetsu back at him, scrunching up his eyes. "I've just abandoned my team and am all alone now!"
"I've just abandoned my partner and I'm pretty sure my group's gonna fucking come after me!" The man retorted.
"I've been bitten by so many mosquitoes!"
"So have I! And let me tell you, even Lord Jashin's mercy won't stop the fucking itches."
"I've been sprayed by chicken blood, then your blood!"
The man gestured at his chest. "My chest is split in two, asshole."
Suigetsu curled his hands into fists and took a deep breath. Then he said, "A leech is sucking on my ass!"
A silence fell between them.
Blood was dripping from the cloak the man was holding, but he ignored it. He was staring at Suigetsu.
"...seriously? That's fucking rough."
"I know." Suigetsu sighed. Then he noticed that the cloak the man was holding had red cloud patterns. His eyes widened, then narrowed. He lifted his sword and extended it towards the man threateningly.
"Akatsuki," he growled. "Bastard. You coming to kill me?"
The man blinked at his sudden aggression, then frowned. "Moron, didn't I just tell you? I've abandoned them. Not fucking worth it being part of an S-class crime organisation, seriously."
Suigetsu blinked. His paranoia died down, and he lowered his sword.
The man dropped the cloak onto the ground and cricked his neck nonchalantly. "Even if they do let me kill all the people I want for my sacrifices."
"Sounds nice…" said Suigetsu dreamily.
"I can do it on my own," said the man, shrugging. "Don't need to be part of a fucking heathen organisation. Anyway. About that leech on your ass."
Suigetsu frowned at him. "What about it?"
"I think I have a solution."
"Oh yeah?"
"Leeches are afraid of fire. And...I wanna get rid of this fucking thing, seriously." The man kicked the cloak on the ground.
"...so?"
The man sighed exasperatedly. "Soo…why don't you just lower your ass onto the fire I'm gonna make out of this cloak?"
Suigetsu looked suspiciously at the man for a moment. The man wasn't paying any attention, though. His eyes were starting to light up with childish excitement at the thought of burning the cloak.
"...fine."
A short while later.
"Fuck! My ass! It nearly got burnt, damn it!"
Suigetsu hopped about on the spot, clutching his butt. He turned it into liquid for a moment, and immediately felt relief wash over him. He turned to scowl at the man. The man was in tears, howling with laughter on the ground while kicking his legs.
"You-" The man gasped between breaths. "Should have seen-"
He released even more howls of laughter. "Your face!" He leant forward, clutching his stomach and convulsing uncontrollably.
"Shut up," snarled Suigetsu. He walked over to the man still crouched on the ground. The man was still unable to stand up due to peals of laughter.
"Hey, can you check if the leech is still there?" Suigetsu held the band of his pants, about to pull it down.
The man stopped laughing immediately. He backed away from Suigetsu, crawling backwards like a crab. "Shit, no! Piss off! I'm not gonna fucking look at your ass!"
Suigetsu pouted slightly, then poked his butt experimentally. He couldn't feel any squishiness anymore. The lack of it made him cheer up immeasurably. He turned to grin at the man.
"I think it's gone! Thanks, man!"
The man had been scowling as he sat on the ground. At Suigetsu's words, his frown disappeared. He shrugged nonchalantly. "Yeah. Don't worry about it, seriously."
He stood up, and stretched his body. Then he quirked a grin. "I got the best laugh I hadn't had for a fucking long time. So we're even." He turned around, and started to walk away.
"Hey, wait!" Suigetsu ran up to follow him. "Where're you heading?"
"I dunno," the man said. "Anywhere. Got nothing to do now that I've quit Akatsuki, seriously."
"Let's just travel around together then," said Suigetsu quickly. "I don't have anything to do either, now that I've quit Hebi."
The man shot a strange look at Suigetsu. "I don't fucking care if you're with me. You're a moron who got his ass bitten by a leech."
Suigetsu immediately frowned.
"Just make sure you stay out of my way when I'm praying and doing the Lord's work," the man said in a mutter.
The moment he heard that, Suigetsu broke into a smile again. He quickened his pace to walk by the man's side. "What's your name? I'm Suigetsu."
"Hidan."
They continued walking on in silence. After a while, Suigetsu started irritatedly hitting himself to get rid of mosquitoes. Hidan was doing the same.
Then Hidan started doing it even more than Suigetsu. He kept doing it for several minutes until his whole torso looked slightly pink, and was marked by a few dead mosquitoes. He turned to look at Suigetsu.
"...Shit. I didn't think through my decision to burn the fucking cloak, seriously."
Note: They meet Temari in the next chapter! =)
