A/N: This is an affectionate parody of our favourite show, a gentle poke at some of the common themes and tropes of TM (both show and fanfiction). I hope everyone takes it in the light-hearted spirit it was written. This is my first published fanfiction but please don't hold back on your reviews, we only improve through honest criticism.
Disclaimer: To protect the innocent the characters from The Mentalist have had their personalities completely changed; only their names have remained the same. Naturally I own no part of the show.
Chapter 1 - The Proposition
Red John was dead.
Ultimately it hadn't been either Jane's cleverness or Lisbon's formidable detective work that brought about his undoing. No indeed. The greatest serial killer in California's history fell victim to an unlikely combination of bad directions and hardened arteries. When Thomas McAllister walked through the entrance of the Sacramento Convention Centre he turned right instead of left. Thus instead of attending the 27supth/sup Rock Scissor Paper world championships he found himself at the National Pigeon Racing convention. The shock of the seeing so many birds along with the overenthusiastic tazering he received from the security personnel trying to subdue him proved too much for Red John's evil heart.
The subsequent investigation into the events quickly unearthed his grizzly secrets and the hunt for Red John was suddenly over. Jane took it quite well, all things considered. He'd carefully gone over every detail in the case file that Lisbon gave him and then went to look at McAllister's body in the morgue. He tried to reconcile the cock-eyed, horror struck face (still covered in bird poop) with that of the man who had tormented him for the last 10 years. In a weirdly perverse way it all fit.
After that he'd gone on something of an epic bender in Sacramento's seedier parts. He lost most of his money in various underground poker games but gained a girlfriend in the form of Crystal, a somewhat blowsy new age massage therapist. He'd returned to work the next Monday, somewhat the worse for wear but with no real plans for making big changes to his life.
* 3 months later *
Jane woke up in his own bed. Crystal had kicked him out a week ago and he honestly couldn't blame her. He'd known going in the relationship wouldn't last but it had been convenient. It also saved him from having to sort through his complicated emotional entanglement with a with a certain female CBI agent.
Over the years Jane had rarely allowed himself to imagine a happy ending to his revenge quest. On those occasions he did they invariably featured Lisbon and not a slightly over ripe massage therapist. Still, Crystal had been easy going and undemanding to be with and that was what he had needed. Plus though she was nothing like the happy ending he had imagined there was no denying her skill at giving him happy endings of a different kind.
Drawing a smiley face in red crayon on the wall above her bed had probably been the last straw, Jane reflected. It was unrealistic to expect a sensitive new age soul such as Crystal to live under such a horrific reminder of his past. It was insensitive of him, but Jane had found himself unable to sleep without the familiar smiley above him. His therapist had suggested drawing the face and as with so many other things the good doctor had been right. "God bless psychiatrists" Jane mused, not for the first time. Examining his feelings about the end of his fling Jane found he bore Crystal no ill will whatsoever. It couldn't be easy to be the rebound relationship from a serial killer.
So here he now was, back in his own miserable room with not much of anything to look forward to. He was a little older and a lot wiser for the fact that lasting happiness did not come at the hands of a squirt of coconut oil and a warm, sympathetic palm. Or the sounds of whales making love to the constipated strains of synthesized ambient music and crashing waves. Jane shuddered involuntarily.
It was time to get a grip of himself (instead of just laying back and letting someone else do it for him). He needed to make changes and finally move forward. He reached for a suit from his wardrobe and then paused to critically appraise the state of his clothes. He really needed to update his look. Choosing the least battered outfit he slipped it on and then then thrust his feet into his trusty shoes, his most faithful companions over the years. Sadly, this was the precise moment they finally gave up the ghost and fell completely apart. Judging from the smell of mouldering leather emanating from the remains it was a merciful passing.
Jane's immediate course of action was decided. He had to buy himself some new shoes. Something comfortable and versatile. Something that could accommodate any number of different looks and occasions and express his personality to the fullest. He knew just the something that would fit the bill, a nice pair of brown loafers. With tassels.
It was nearly lunch time before a freshly shod Jane made his way up to the bullpen. Cho, as usual, was leafing through Who magazine and nattering about the celeb gossip section with Van Pelt. Rigsby rolled his eyes in exasperation and turned over another page of Thus Spake Zoroaster. His Nietzsche kick showed no signs of abating and it had played hell with his tolerance of his partner's foibles.
Ignoring his colleagues, Jane plonked down on his favourite bean bag and considered his next move. In the spirit of moving on with his life he had decided to finally face up to his feelings for Lisbon. He'd known her for the best part of 10 years and if he was honest with himself she was the only reason he continued to turn up at the CBI. Slowly and surely she had come to mean everything to him. Rival, sibling, confidant, co-conspirator, mother... Lover? It was time to find out because she was the gold standard against which he judged every other woman.
The problem was he was pretty sure she was seeing someone. An irritatingly tall, dark and handsome man from the FBI. Marvin? Surely not Marvin, but definitely a name starting with 'M'. The truth was Jane had been in such a coconut scented daze for the last few months he had barely been paying attention to Lisbon or anything else at the CBI. Manny? Damn. The lack of knowledge was killing him.
Jane kicked his brain into top gear and began sorting through stratagems. Before he had a heart to heart with Teresa he really needed to know the lay of the land. He could use his investigative skills to quickly fill the knowledge gap. Follow her around after work, eavesdrop on her conversations, pump his colleagues on every bit of gossip they knew... Jane pursed his lips in distaste. That course of action sounded a little off, if not utterly creepy and stalker-ish.
On consideration a more direct approach might be best. Ask Lisbon openly and see where her feelings lay. After all he had always found honesty to be the best policy with his partner. Action decided he leapt up from his faithful beanbag which farewelled him with a repressed hiss. Jane hastened to Lisbon's office before he could chicken out of his plan.
Lisbon had been so immersed in her game of computer solitaire she barely had time to alt tab the screen to an old budget report when Jane burst in. "Jane!" She said brightly. "Come in, take a load off. I feel like we've hardly talked over the last 3 months…"
"Yeah, I know. It's like after Red John died we both actually got a life outside of work. I was seeing Crystal and you started dating Merrick… "
"Marcus", Lisbon corrected him.
"Right Marcus, yeah of course". How are things going with him?
"Not so good. He came out of the closet last week, which sort of put a dampener on things".
"He's gay? Cool, I mean that's too bad".
"I should have seen it coming" Lisbon sighed. Good looking, immaculately dressed, and heading up the Art Crimes department for chrissake. Art Crimes! Talk about a flashing neon sign…"
"Bummer, so to speak", quipped Jane as Lisbon shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Oblivious, he continued. "Well look on the bright side Lisbon, we have each other!"
"True enough", conceded Lisbon, "though that's not much help to my love life. Speaking of which, how are you and Crystal doing?"
"She finally kicked me out a couple of weeks ago", said Jane, exaggerating the time line a little. "To be honest we were on rocky ground pretty much from the start"
"That's a shame, I thought she was good for you".
Jane raised an eyebrow. "Really? In what way".
"Well, she was a woman. You actually started living life a little." Lisbon's expression turned sly. " I'm sure those total wellness and crystal healing seminars she dragged you to had some redeeming aspects."
Jane shuddered, then grinned at his partner. "If you are any friend at all you will never remind me of that again. Look, I was in a messed up place when I met her and tawdry as it sounds I think some brainless companionship was what I needed at the time. I wouldn't have been any good to anyone I cared about and who deserved my full attention".
Jane turned serious. "Speaking of full attention, I've realised that over the last few months I haven't been paying it to the most important person in my life".
Lisbon quirked her head at the sudden change in tone but she was never one to shy away from a frank disclosure of her feelings. "That's OK, Jane. Truth to tell, I feel the same way and I was equally neglectful. Let's agree to always make time for each other no matter who else we are seeing".
Seeing his opening Jane pinned Lisbon with an intense stare and laid his cards on the table. "You know it would be even simpler if we just started seeing each other".
Lisbon stilled. "I… I don't know if that's a good idea. I mean you're my best friend, we've been through so much together. What if we do this and it doesn't work out?"
"That's just it, Lisbon. We've already seen each other at our best and worst. Even if things don't work out our bond is strong enough to survive it. I think we owe it to ourselves to at least see where this could go."
Lisbon wavered a little. "I don't know, it's all a bit weird, isn't it? Sitting here and just talking about it. Where would be even start?"
Jane continued to press his case. "Come to my place after work. I'll cook us dinner, give us a chance to really talk and see what happens".
"Dinner in that fleapit motel of yours? Sorry Jane but I couldn't think of anywhere less romantic".
Jane leapt to capitalise. "No, not the motel, my, ah apartment."
"You have an apartment?" asked Lisbon, unable to hide her surprise.
"Sure, yeah, of course I do. What do you take me for? The motel was part of the old me, I've changed. C'mon Lisbon. Carpe Diem and all that. Give this a shot. At the very least you'll get a really nice meal out of it and some good company. What's to lose?" Jane flashed her is warmest, most charming smile.
Lisbon felt a traitorous smile creep across her face as she shook her head in defeat. "OK, why the hell not. At the very least I'll get to check out your new digs. Where is it?"
Jane leant forward and gave Lisbon a hasty peck on the cheek before heading rapidly for the door. "I'll text you the address", he called over his shoulder. "I've got to go and do some shopping, I'll see you at six!"
Lisbon sighed in a mixture of relief irritation as her consultant vanished from sight. Then she buried her face in her hands. She had a feeling she'd just committed to making a huge mistake.
A/N: So that's chapter 1 and this story will be completed in the next chapter. Will things work out for our favourite duo? The bigger question is can anything turn out well where tasselled loafers are concerned. Final chapter should be up within a week.
