OMGOSH. "I don't even know what." Pg.29 pt.2

Constructive crit? XD A cracky story for a cracky request. I love my job as an author.

Leonardo peered around the wall, watching curiously as Ezio shuffled about his old villa. His lover had been "down in the dumps" ever since the Apple had transported him here. And now, he was confined to his villa like an animal in a cage. The artist had finally thought of something to cheer him up. It was a bit of a risk, but to see his lover happy again, anything was worth it. Although this wasn't the best way to go about solving his depression, Leonardo thought, but it would certainly be the most filling. Nevertheless, Ezio was upset, and Leonardo would change that. He teamed up with Shaun, God bless the man, and together, they got the materials necessary to make their scheme happen.

He adjusted the large metal contraption in his hands, taking careful aim. He smiled devilishly at his newest invention. Shaun had shown him a gun called a bazooka, and so he had made one—one that fired the hundreds of cupcakes he and the historian had made just a few days ago. He was bursting with pride: it even fired them with the frosting on top.

A few weeks ago, he had caught the historian—who, he noted with glee, listened with rapt attention whenever he spoke—baking something had called cupcakes. Nothing like what they had back home—these were gross, the tops covered in hideous and exotic colored frosting.

But, he had eaten one when Shaun made them for Desmond's birthday, and both the artist and the assassin had gotten hooked on the sweet treat. So, when he went to find a partner to help him create such a device as his cupcake gun, he figured Shaun would be the "go-to" man. With the historian's incredible intelligence and obvious idolizing of the artist, they had quickly struck up a strong bond, and Leonardo had managed to get him to lighten up considerably.

Shaun was leaning over him with an anticipating look, watching Ezio move from their position a good deal away.

"Are you going to do it or not?"

"Patience, my friend," he assured Shaun.

Both he and Shaun were dying to see what happened next. They had made the cupcakes after strong persuasion to Lucy that Desmond and Ezio would be okay outside for the day. Oh, if only Lucy knew the secrets the historian withheld from his teammates. Rebecca helped them frost all the cupcakes.

He adjusted his grip on the gun once more and fired. Immediately, Ezio whipped around, firing his pistol and cursing wildly, and they took off down the halls of the old house like rabbits being chased by a fox.

A few seconds later, they heard several more especially loud curses and the sound of footsteps chasing them. Shaun took the gun from Leonardo as they rounded a corner, nearing their room and shoving it into Desmond's arms.

"There you go, mate!"

He thanked his lucky stars Desmond had been walking around that exact corner at that exact time. Karma must be smiling. They rounded another corner and slipped into their room, quickly closing the door and breaking down in quiet laughter. Shaun ended up slipping down the door to sit on the ground as he laughed, and Leonardo was lying back on the bed in a fit of giggles.

"This will be a good day!"

Shaun almost responded, but the sound of Desmond's scream promptly stopped all words and converted them to harder laughter, especially when they heard the gunfire and Ezio's new slur of curses. Shaun and Leonardo looked at each other and broke into a louder, harder bough of laughter. By the time they realized someone was banging on their door, they were in tears.

"Y-yes?"

Shaun slowly stood up.

"Ezio. Leonardo, we must talk."

They both fell silent at the serious tone in the assassin's voice. Slowly, Shaun opened the door, and Ezio pushed through.

"Leonardo, Desmond managed to get his hand—"

The assassin stopped and glanced around the room. There were tons of cupcakes scattered all over the room amidst papers and the Apple the two geniuses had been studying. Blueprints and books had the cupcakes arranged neatly on them. He frowned as he wiped the remains of a cupcake from his face and flung it to the ground.

"You supplied him with ammunition?"

Leonardo cleared his throat as he rose, wiping away the tears. "Uh… yes, of course. I was curious as to why he had asked for such a contrapt—"

"You made him the weapon?"

Shaun huffed. "We had too. Otherwise, the tosser wouldn't have left us alone to figure out how to get you back home."

Ezio looked deep in thought before speaking. "Do you have another?"

The wily friends looked shocked.

"I—I'm afraid not, Ezio. We had not expected him to use it for such devious purpose—"

"Bullshit," Shaun said, rising and looking the assassin in the eye. "We made the gun to let him loose on Lucy. I've been meaning to get her back after turning all my shirts pink. But it looks like he missed his target. Here, let me get you my Wrist Rocket."

Leonardo and Ezio looked confused as he brought out a slingshot with an extension at the base.

"A favorite toy of mine as a child. I used it to win the science competition at the primary school I went to. Perhaps you can use this to get back at him."

Ezio reached out, and Shaun helped him get it ready. After the assassin had left with the slingshot and tray of cupcakes, Leonardo spoke.

"A wrist rocket?"

Shaun looked at him with an almost malicious smile. "It was my favorite toy as a child. Besides, we meant to start a war, didn't we? Prove some entertainment for us. This will do it."

Leonardo smiled and laughed. "Of course, of course!"

"And Lucy really did turn all of my pristine white shirts pink. I hope she gets blasted with the cupcake with the most frosting."

"I suppose we had best prepare for several more visits when they need ammunition, sí?"

Shaun nodded, then paused and twisted his lips. "We need to think of something to arm Altair with when he returns with Malik."

Leonardo paled. "Oh, dear, and we should probably get Malik in here quickly."

Shaun looked at him seriously. "We can't let our cohort be caught in the crossfire of the Three Idiots' War."

Leonardo chuckled. "Indeed. Afterall, he was willing to risk his life to wake Altair and get him out of this place."

Shaun picked up one of the cupcakes and peeled the paper off, using it to wipe away most of the icing before throwing it into the overflowing trashcan in their room. He looked at the third bed, situated by the window. The three of them had been trying to figure out how to work the Apple and get them home to their times. He sighed as he thought about the assassins' damnable curiosity.

"How should we arm Altair?"

He looked at Leonardo. "We can think of something."


Malik grumbled as they walked quickly back to their headquarters. All he wanted was to go back to his maps.

"Hurry up, novice," he snapped as they reached the entrance.

"I'm coming, Malik. Be happy: this may be the last time we get out, if what the other assassins say is true."

He sighed, frustrated, and entered the building, marching off to his room with the historian and the artist. He turned when he heard Altair yelp loudly, fearing the Templars had reared their ugly heads, and saw the master assassin standing there with one of those disgustingly bright cupcakes that Shaun had made a few weeks ago stuck firmly to the back of his head. Malik couldn't help but snicker.

Desmond leapt down from a perch with whatever he had seen Shaun and Leonardo working on the past few weeks in his hands.

"Damn, sorry. I thought you were Ezio."

"How could you—"

"Duck in cover!"

Desmond hit the ground like a soldier as another cupcake came whizzing by Malik's ear and landed hard on the front of Altair's shirt. The one-armed man jumped when he felt a hand wrap around his wrist.

"Come quickly."

He recognized Leonardo's voice and turned to follow him. He could hear Desmond's gloating from successfully dodging the cupcake, and he could only imagine Altair's expression. As Leonardo pulled him along the empty corridors, Shaun joined them, pushing his glasses up his nose with a serious expression as they ran. It wasn't until they were in their room he frowned.

"What happen—"

His words fell flat when he saw all the cupcakes decorating every inch of their room, and Rebecca on Shaun's bed, grinning like a demon as she listened to the noise coming out of the things she called "headphones."

"What is going on?"

"Ezio and Desmond are in a cupcake war!" Leonardo was chuckling quietly. "And Altair will be soon enough."

"Why?"

"Simply put, Ezio was depressed, and this will take his mind off everything happening. Of course, I'm hoping Desmond or Ezio will smack Lucy with a big one. I did absolutely nothing to deserve all my clothes ruined."

"And the mess?"

"Will be their fault." Shaun said, meeting Malik's gaze. "Imagine your master assassin on his knees scrubbing the floors with brightly colored stains all over his nice, white robes."

This brought the subtlest hint of a wicked smile to the Arab's features. "I think I could like this."

There was a quiet knock at the door. Leonardo answered it with a smile.

"Altair! How can we be of service—"

"Since they have weapons, I will need one too."

Shaun covered up his laugh with a polite cough. "Of course, we've got one right here." He pulled out a second a second Wrist Rocket from underneath Rebecca, who looked mad briefly for being disturbed. Shaun rolled his eyes. "It's what you get for lying on it. Anyway, I'm afraid Desmond has the only… cupcake gun, per say. But this slingshot is a worthy weapon to face them with. And, our room is the only safe zone. When you need ammunition, feel free to come back."

Altair nodded curtly as he took the weapon and an offered pan of cupcakes and left. After the door shut, Shaun turned and smirked at Leonardo and Malik. "Now we watch the destruction begin."

Rebecca sat up from her seat on Shaun's bed. "So, the three of them are armed and dangerous now?"

Shaun nodded.

"Where did you get the slingshots, my friends, if you have been on the run and confined to hiding?"

Shaun and Rebecca looked at each other.

"Well," Shaun began.

"We took them. From a toystore. On our way to meet up with Lucy after rescuing him. Figured we could have a fun time with them, yeah?"

"From water balloons to rocks, we have."

Rebecca grinned. "We know how to party."

Malik frowned. "Why would you throw a party when the times are so serious?"

"Fun is what keeps humans happy. And happiness will keep us going more than depression," Rebecca chirped. "Can we wander the halls?"

The shriek from not too far away answered that question.


Desmond pressed his back against the corridor and listened to Ezio's yelp with smug satisfaction. He slipped around the corner when Ezio came running around it, forgetting to see what was right there in his haste. He chuckled quietly as he slipped into one of the empty rooms and scrambled up the wall, crouching low as he thought. He knew that his ancestor stood between him and Shaun's room, and he needed to see if there were more cupcakes: he had only two shots left, and he didn't know where Altair was.

He jump when a cupcake went whizzing by his ear. He turned at saw Ezio aiming another from the slingshot, and knew he had to make a break for it. He jumped down from the wall and pulled the trigger, distracting the man long enough so that he could slip by and out the door. He took off running down the hallway, hand on the trigger and laughing as he heard Ezio chasing after him.

He wheeled around the corner—almost there. He was running as fast as he could, and he could see the door handle growing larger when Altair appeared in front of him, slingshot ready.

As quickly as he could, he stopped, raising the weapon to fire his last cupcake. He could hear Ezio stop behind him, and he realized his situation was hopeless.

"Weapon down," he heard Ezio bark.

"Nuh-uh, I don't think so. Then you'd be armed, and I wouldn't."

"Consider it revenge for earlier," Altair said softly.

Damn his relatives and their grudge-keeping. He glanced over his shoulder at Ezio, then back to Altair, clutching his weapon close.

"Weapon down."

Desmond chewed his lip nervously. He could obey what Altair was commanding, but he'd lose his weapon. Or, he could not obey what Altair was commanding, but he'd get pelted by cupcakes. He glanced carefully over his shoulder to look at Ezio, who had stepped forward a few paces.

"Put your weapon down," Ezio warned, a cupcake nestled carefully in the wrist rocket, which was taut and ready to release.

He looked back at Altair, who was waiting patiently. Slowly, he knelt down and put the gun on the ground, resting one foot on it. It was a rather flimsy contraption, and he'd rather crush it than let his ancestors get a hold of it. He slowly raised his hands to show surrender and laced his fingers together, placing them behind his head.

"So, which one of you will get it now that I've lost it?"

Together, "I will."

Desmond gave a shit eating grin. He watched Altair look at Ezio over his shoulder. Even though both of the cupcakes where still aimed at him, he was getting a smug satisfaction out of this.

Let it never be said Americans weren't smart and couldn't read the atmosphere. Americans could always "blow the enemy sky high" if they needed to. Stupidity was their front.

"Because, you know, Ezio would turn against you if that's what it took to get that gun. He's all ready moved closer."

"I would not. Stop lying, whelp."

"Look, Altair, I'm not lying. Just judge for yourself how much space is between him and the gun, and you and the gun."

His heart was pounding as Altair did just that. Desmond prayed it would work. He just wanted to get into Shaun's room. The door was taunting him. It was right there, a couple feet away. He could do this. He could make Altair turn against Ezio.

Altair moved forward to bring himself closer to the gun than Ezio, but still away from Desmond.

"Altair," he heard Ezio begin and step forward again, "don't be ridiculous. Why would I throw away my only ally?"

"Because the gun can make up for what power you lack." Desmond was proud of himself. "And since you've handled a gun more, you probably think that you could handle the weapon better."

"The boy has a point, Auditore."

He watched as Altair shifted his slingshot, now aiming curiously between the two of them—although Desmond prayed it was more aimed toward Ezio. Altair took another step forward, more boldly, Desmond noted, than before, and he was close enough to touch. Still, he thought, it wouldn't be wise to move his hands just yet.

"Altair, you're being ridiculous! An alliance with the grand master assassin is worth more than a heap of metal."

"This is not just a heap of metal: it is the better of the three weapons."

"I want to get Desmond back for earlier, not fight you, too, Altair."

"Somehow, I am disinclined to believe that."

He could hear Ezio make a frustrated growl. "Must you be so damnably stubborn?"

Desmond was grinning like a fool.

"Malik asks me the same. It has saved my life many times."

"And cost you the life of Kadar and Malik's arm! Think abou—"

The cupcake grazed his neck as Altair growled. Desmond, without a second to waste, scooped up the gun and barreled into him pushing him out of the way and through the door to Shaun's room as Ezio's cupcake went flying. He slammed the door and leaned against it heavily, laughing at the sound of the pastry "smooshing" against the old door. He was a genius.

At the sound of clapping, he looked down to see Shaun sitting on his bed beside Rebecca, clapping with a smirk on face. Leonardo was looking at him from his position behind her, peeking over her shoulder at a laptop on her legs. Malik was smirking at him on her other side. Rebecca let out a string of curses and reached into her pocket, pulling out several bills. Shaun held out his hand as she counted out most of them and shoved them into his hand.

"Congratulations, Desmond. I knew you could get out of that situation, love."

Desmond blushed slightly and scratched at his cheek. "Heh. Thanks?"

Shaun rose, counting the bills quickly. "Paid in full. Thanks, mate."

The gun-wielder raised an eyebrow at the historian as he leaned over and patted Rebecca's cheek like a parent would a child. Outside, he heard Ezio and Altair running away from the door.

"You're watching us using the laptop?"

Rebecca folded her arms, frowning. "Yeah, using the motion sensor cameras we set up to inform us if you tried to walk out in your sleep."

He laughed again. "Awesome. How much did you make?"

Shaun's lips curled upward with a evil, victorious smile. "One hundred American dollars. Although, I suppose half of that belongs to you, seeing as how you're my pawn. I'll hold it for now so you don't get icing all over it."

The man made a swipe at his neck, and Desmond reached up and touched his own neck, feeling the icing from Altair's cupcake. He chuckled.

"Right. I need more cupcakes. You willing to share them?"

Shaun reached for the gun, and Desmond handed it over. After a few seconds, he handed it back.

"Ready to go again?" Malik asked.

Desmond grinned. "Of course."

"Perhaps you can get Altair in the face with one."

Shaun walked back over to the bed and sat down. "Feeling particularly vicious?"

"I'd be out there if I could."

"I'm just glad that Ezio is no longer acting so depressed."

"Um, Shaun," Desmond began.

Shaun looked up at him and quirked an eyebrow.

"Can we go outside?"

"Absolutely not. We don't want the civilians getting scared with idiots on the rampage using cupcakes weapons."

Desmond peeked out the door, flicking in and out of Eagle Vision. When he felt comfortable he wasn't going to get ambushed, he slipped out of the room and into the old mansion, off to find himself a base.

As he made his base—a fine, sturdy establishment made out of tables, chairs, blankets and pillows—he realized that if Ezio got the gun, he and Altair would be "screwed." Ezio knew the villa better than the both of them, and if he got the best weapon to top it all off, things would not be pretty. He needed to form a pact with Altair. He blinked once, suddenly realizing why it was so easy to make Altair distrust Ezio: the grand master had all ready figured out he was the most disadvantaged. Even Desmond had a basic knowledge of the villa from the memories, but Altair had nothing.

"Freeze where you are."

He did, feeling the presence behind him. It was Altair.

"Speak of the devil."

"I want that gun."

"What if we team up?"

"I don't know if I can trust—"

"I'll even give you the gun if you really want, so long as you promise to be my ally. I'll share my bunker with you."

He could feel the slight shift in Altair's aura toward confusion.

"How do you know I will not betray you?"

"I don't. But I'm willing to take the risk. 'Sides, you're at the biggest disadvantage here. The gun would even it out more, dontcha think?"

He saw Altair walk to the unhinged door he was planning on using as a roof.

A grunt from the master assassin. "Let's get the shelter built."

Desmond grinned and jumped up. After they set the piece of wood on top, they both crouched inside the tiny base, Altair with the gun in his hand like a professional gunslinger and Desmond with the wrist rocket ready (neither of his ancestors knew Shaun had taught him to use it a long time ago in a water balloon fight with Rebecca when he had really started slipping because of the bleeding effect).

"Who started this?"

"Shaun and Leonardo—"

Altair scoffed. "I should have known. They probably coerced Malik into helping as well by getting me outside."

Desmond nodded, flicking his vision on again to check for any signs. When there were none, he said, "Yeah, I don't get how those two manage to pull all these things off with us realizing it until it's too late."

"They are far smarter than we. I suspect Malik played a bigger part in the setup than we know."

"I wouldn't be surprised. I'm glad it's not those three against us. We be 'dead' by now, buried under a mountain of cake and frosting."

Altair nodded once.

"I really wish Ezio didn't have such an upper-hand in knowing this place. I know I know it, kinda, but not enough to be any help against him."

"Any knowledge is better than none."

Desmond laughed, looking through a firing hole again. "Do you think he'll come hunting?"

"After a little bit, I'm sure."

Desmond's stomach rumbled. He looked down at it. "Damn."

Altair chuckled softly, and the younger assassin looked surprised. "You could eat the ammunition, although that might prove disastrous."

The newer assassin grinned. "You know, I've never seen you smile before."

The smile on Altair's face suited him like a grandfather's smile as he looked at his descendant. "I have learned to enjoy my time, all of the time toying with the apple has taught me a few things."

Desmond grinned like a heathen. "I'm glad. You're even cooler than I thought when I lived your memories."

Poor Ezio: two against one is unfair. But I guess whatever comes will come, yeah? Ideas for an ending? Con. Crit.?