When the Cradle Falls
Matt Casey sat behind the wheel of his pickup truck in the parking lot of the doctor's office he had just left. It was a sunny day, just slightly breezy, compared to most of the weather Chicago had it was a beautiful day, but the world had suddenly ceased to hold any beauty in it where Casey was concerned. It was suddenly an alien place he was no longer a part of.
It had started off so simple, so routine, go to the doctor, fill out a form, get some tests done. What could possibly go wrong? And yet, if he hadn't at least suspected something was wrong, he knew he wouldn't have gone, he wouldn't have talked to the doctor, he wouldn't have asked for the tests. Suspecting was one thing, but actually knowing the truth, that was something else entirely and he felt like his whole world had fallen away.
The doctor's diagnosis still rang in his ears, but none of it seemed to be real. It was just too horrible to be real. This happened to other people, not him. It was like a bad dream, he wanted to wake up from it but he knew he wouldn't. This was a real life nightmare. For several minutes he just sat there replaying his conversation with the doctor in his head, and what it all meant. How could it be true? It just couldn't be, this couldn't be happening, not to him. As tempted as he was, in light of the earth shattering news he'd received, to put his truck in gear and just charge it head on into a wall, and put himself out of this newfound misery, he knew that wouldn't solve anything. He knew he had to get out of there, but go where? Do what? This was the last thing he wanted to tell anybody, and yet somewhere in his mind he knew he had to. He had to tell somebody. But again, who? Who did he trust with something this painful? Boden seemed the first answer, but Casey couldn't go to him with this. None of the other guys from 51 seemed too likely either, who then? Casey felt his heart racing and his blood pounding in his ears, he thought he was going to lose his mind if he just stayed there, he had to go somewhere, had to see somebody, had to tell somebody what he'd found out. Finally, he decided Severide might be his best bet. He didn't have any idea what Kelly would say, but he hoped his best friend would be able to prove some comfort to him, at least make him quit feeling like he was losing his mind. The next question was, could he drive from the doctor's office to Severide's apartment without crashing? He decided it didn't matter, if he did crash his truck, his suffering would be over, but he just couldn't stay there any longer. He started his truck, put it in gear and drove out of there and somehow made his way halfway across the city.
He didn't remember driving through the city, he didn't remember the traffic on the road, he didn't remember stopping at any lights. He didn't even remember pulling up outside Kelly's apartment building. He had no recollection of getting out of his truck and actually entering the building, it just seemed he was suddenly there. He forewent the elevator, there was no way he could hold still long enough to get up to Severide's floor. He ran up the stairs, feeling like he wasn't even in his body, almost like he was out of it watching himself. He heard himself panting as he took the stairs two and three at a time, he was aware of the pain in his chest and ribs but he wasn't aware of actually feeling it. Finally he reached Kelly's floor, and marched over to the apartment door and beat on it with both fists. He had no concept of time for how long he stood there pounding on the door, but it felt like it took forever before he heard the chain rattling on the other side and the bolt being undone. Kelly held the door open, looking totally confused, and had just opened his mouth to say something, when Casey felt his legs go weak and he just about fell against Severide.
"Help me!" was the first thing that found its way out of his mouth. He hardly even knew which way was up anymore. He did fall against Kelly, who automatically caught him in his arms and held him tight so they didn't both hit the floor.
There wasn't any good way to break the news to Kelly about what was going on. Casey felt his chest and throat tightening as the tears started to come, and he didn't have any strength or even interest to try and hold them back. He threw his arms around Severide and desperately clung to him and told him hopelessly, "Help me, I want to kill myself!" The sobs were already coming.
Kelly was totally lost about what was happening, but he'd never heard Casey talk like that before and it scared the hell out of him. A dozen different worst case scenarios were running through his mind as he held onto his friend and asked him, "What happened, Casey? What's wrong?"
Casey sucked in a hard breath as he tearfully explained, "I just got the worst news possible. My life is over!"
It was two hours later, Severide had managed to drag Casey past his door, and the two made it to the kitchen where Casey collapsed at the table, and the two of them killed a six-pack of beer as Kelly slowly got the full story from Casey. When it was all said and done, Severide didn't know what to make of it. He felt numb and in a state of shock by Casey's news, he was heartbroken for his friend but one of them had to be the strong one right now and Casey didn't have any energy left for that. Casey was slumped over his side of the table, a half drunk bottle of beer beside him, his face buried against the tabletop and his arms wrapped over his head as he continued to cry. He'd been like that for half an hour now, words beyond his current abilities.
Kelly was aware anything he said could easily be the wrong thing, so he chose his words carefully. He didn't think it was possible to upset Casey anymore than he already was, but he didn't want to chance it.
"I don't suppose there's any point in going to another doctor and getting a second opinion, is there?" he asked.
Casey's whole body shook as he sobbed, and shook his head.
"But he could be wrong," Kelly offered a slim ray of hope. "It happens, it's happened before."
Casey just barely raised his head up and told Kelly, "They're definite about it..." he shook his head, "there's no hope for me." He dropped his head back down as a new series of sobs wracked his body.
Kelly reached across the table and sympathetically patted Casey's back, "I'm sorry, buddy. I never thought this could happen."
There was a knock at the door, Casey's cries were the only sound in the apartment, even over that Kelly was able to hear Gabby's voice muffled through the door.
"Oh my God," Casey gasped as he sat up in his chair, "I can't see her, I can't tell her this."
Kelly patted Casey's hand and told him, "You don't have to." He pushed his chair back and got up.
"No, Kelly, don't."
"I'll handle this," Severide told him, "you stay here, it'll be alright."
Casey shook his head. "No it won't." But he couldn't bring himself to get up, to go with Kelly to the door, to face what was coming, he just couldn't.
Severide crossed through the living room to the front door and opened it. Gabby Dawson stood there with a grin on her face that only looked warm and friendly, but anybody who knew her as long as they did knew it actually meant there was more brewing than she was going to tell him about and she was just putting up a nice front until she got out of there. Kelly knew that they'd had an argument about something the other day and Gabby had stormed out, and whatever it was she wasn't going to tell him of all people about, more likely she was going to keep what she was really thinking in reserve until she and Matt were alone. Or so she thought anyway.
"Hey, Severide," she said in her normal borderline perky tone, "I saw Matt's pickup downstairs, is he here?"
Kelly stood with his feet shoulder length apart like he was about to get into it. He looked at her with eyes that were hard but didn't reveal much emotion. "Yeah," he said in a tone that didn't reveal anything either.
She waited a couple seconds, then asked, "Can I come in?"
"No," Kelly answered in the same monotone voice, his eyes still boring into her, and she was still largely oblivious to it.
Gabby let out a small giggle like she didn't get the joke, so she tried again, "Okay, can you get him?"
"No," Kelly repeated in the same tone, his eyes harder now, and it was slowly starting to dawn on Gabby that something was wrong, the smile slowly dropped from her face and was replaced with an expression of confusion.
"What's going on, Kelly?" she asked.
"He knows, Gabby," Severide responded simply, as if that explained everything.
The muscles in Gabby's face continued to drift downward as her eyebrows furrowed together in even further confusion. "Knows what? What're you talking about, Severide?"
"He knows, Gabby," Kelly repeated, venom in his tone now, "He knows the baby you lost wasn't his."
Gabby blinked. "Ex-cuse me?"
Kelly nodded his head stiffly, "He knows he wasn't the father. You put him through all that, have him worried to death about you...and it wasn't even his kid."
Gabby's eyes widened, a look between confusion and rage, "What're you talking about?"
"Gabby, he went to the doctor, he can't have kids!" Kelly told her.
Gabby's eyes widened to maximum capacity and the muscles in her jaw laxed and she stood there with a look of total shock as the color went out of her face.
"You..." Kelly stabbed an accusing finger at her, "You're always bitching to Casey about trust and communication and respect...and you cheated on him!"
Gabby closed her mouth and shook her head, "That's not true..."
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Kelly wanted to know. "You've been chasing after him ever since he and Hallie broke up, when they got back together you went after Mills as a placeholder, and ever since you two did get together you've done nothing but treat him like crap, then you have the balls to act offended anytime he does something you don't like, and you cheated on him and got pregnant! Who was it? Mills? Halstead? Cordova? No, don't tell me, I can't be disgusted with another person right now as much as I am with you! We've known each other for years, Gabby, we're supposed to be able to count on each other...he was supposed to be able to trust you!"
With that, Kelly slammed the door in Gabby's face and stormed off back to the kitchen.
Casey hadn't moved from where he sat slumped face-down against the table, his back rose and dropped rapidly as he still cried. Kelly felt awful, he padded over to the table and wrapped an arm around Casey and told him, "I'm sorry. I just couldn't take it anymore."
Every breath entering and exiting Casey's body at that moment took the form of a high pitched sob, just about to start hyperventilating.
"Maybe I should've handled that better," Kelly said as he sat back down across from Casey, "but I'm just sick from this. I am so sorry, Casey, I swear I had no idea, if I had...I would've told you to get away from her, fast."
Casey tried to force some air back into his body and hold onto it, he struggled to form actual words as he folded his arms on the table and sat up enough to look over at Kelly, "It was all a lie, wasn't it?"
"Probably so," Kelly shook his head, "I'm sorry."
"She never...she couldn't...how could she..."
"You gotta calm down, buddy," Kelly reached across the table and cupped Casey's jaw in his hand, "making yourself sick isn't gonna help you."
As if in response to that comment, a particularly loud sob worked its way loose as Casey lost hold of the air he'd sucked in.
"Casey, I am so sorry, about all of this...I know how much you've always wanted kids."
Casey cupped his hands against his face which muffled the sounds of his crying but it was still enough to rip Kelly's heart out listening and watching his best friend going through this.
A couple hours later the sun was going down and the city outside was getting dark. Casey still hadn't moved from the kitchen table, he just sat there and stared at the tabletop, not even able to raise his head enough to look at Kelly. Severide had scarcely left Casey's side except to get up and start dinner. He knew Casey wouldn't have much of an appetite but he also knew not eating wasn't going to help his friend any. He heated up a can of soup and made a couple of sandwiches, then dished it up and set one plate in front of Casey and sat across from him with his own.
"Come on, Casey, you gotta eat."
Matt murmured something under his breath and just stared at the food.
"Just take a few bites, you're going to make yourself sick and that's just going to make things worse."
Casey pressed one balled up hand against his cheek and stared down at the bowl of soup and asked lowly, "How could things get any worse than this?" He finally found the strength to sit up straight, he looked around the room, couldn't quite bring himself to look at Kelly yet. "I can't have kids...and my wife cheated on me and got pregnant by someone else...I don't even know which one of those hurts more, or which one is supposed to."
Severide dipped a spoon in his soup and asked, "How did you figure it out anyway?" Casey had already explained all that earlier, or tried to, but a lot had been lost in the translation because he was crying too hard to be fully coherent.
Casey looked back down at his food. "Gabby and I decided to try and get pregnant again, start fresh with a child of our own, not like Louie that the birth family could take away again...around the time we went to the doctor and he told us that it would be too risky for her...I started thinking something seemed off. We hadn't been actively trying to get pregnant before that...but we weren't using protection either. I guess we just thought sooner or later something would give and when it did, we'd just jump into it like everything else."
Kelly nodded, not wanting to interrupt, but wanting Casey to know he was following so far.
"Before we found out it was too risky, I started thinking...maybe it's me, maybe..." it was embarrassing to talk about, that alone had been painful enough to think about before he knew the truth. "I thought maybe my sperm was slow...too old...whatever you call it. I decided to look into it and see if there was something I could do to...get the ball rolling. I didn't tell Gabby, I didn't want to get her hopes up...and I didn't want her to be disappointed in me." He laughed bitterly, "that's a joke, isn't it?"
Kelly just looked at him, both sympathetically, and silently inquiring him to continue.
"Must be a lot of guys with similar problems because it took forever for the doctor's office to actually get a spot open for me to come in and get tested," Casey said. He sighed, "And when the doctor said there was no chance I could ever have kids..." he looked off to the side and his eyes became distant. "I don't even remember leaving the office...I just remember sitting in my truck, wishing it was all a nightmare. I don't even know when it finally dawned on me...if I couldn't have kids...how the hell did Gabby get pregnant the first time?"
Finally, Casey lifted a spoonful of soup out of the bowl and swallowed it. Severide hoped they were starting to move forward now, but he could easily see this conversation taking Casey right back to the brink again.
"Hallie...all the time we lost because she broke up with me because she couldn't afford to get pregnant during her residency...if I'd gotten tested back then...it'd still be the worst news I ever got, but we could've been together a lot longer than we were...we would've had so much more time together."
"I'm sorry, Casey."
"Who...who ever thinks when they're 30...that they need to get tested to see if they can even have kids?" Casey asked. "People have them into their 50s, 60s, I can't ever have any, it wouldn't matter if it was 10 years ago, 20 years ago, it's never going to happen..."
Casey dropped his spoon and pressed his hand against his eyes as he started crying again.
Severide put his spoon down and got up, went over to the other side of the table and pulled Casey's chair back and helped him up. "Come on, Casey."
Casey weakly resisted and got out a few half audible protests, Severide didn't know what it was Casey thought they were doing but he doubted it was what he had in mind.
"I'm gonna put you in the bedroom, I'll take the couch tonight," he told Matt.
Kelly walked Casey into the bedroom, he hadn't bothered to make the bed that morning, half the time he never did. He eased Casey down onto the bed, then took his shoes off and drew the covers up on him.
"Just take it easy and try to get some sleep, you'll feel better in the morning."
"No I won't," Casey replied, "tomorrow I'm still going to be as useless as I am now."
"You are not useless, Casey."
Matt looked up at him with bloodshot eyes and asked, "What good's a man that can't have kids?"
Severide offered a small, sad smile. He could see through the conundrum of Casey not wanting Gabby to get pregnant, to save her life, no matter how long they might be married, and until now that was still facing the possibility of their whole lives together, but still reserving his own biological right to have children, whether he actually did or not, it was the ability to do it that had mattered so much, and now it was gone. Most guys, regardless of if they actually wanted kids or not, still placed high value on being able to have them, the only guy they knew who had actually and willingly gotten snipped was Herrmann, and that was after he'd already had five kids. Maybe it was an archaic view but society in general still saw more purpose in women and men who could have kids, versus the ones that couldn't, not just the ones that didn't, and even if you knew better, it had been ingrained in you your whole life, it was a hard viewpoint to break away from. It was a sense of identity, you could pass on your genes and in a sense yourself into the next generation, into future generations, a hundred years, five hundred years from now, a part of you would still be alive, your family name carried on. Now it was never going to happen for Matt.
"It's going to be okay, Casey," Kelly told him. "You just get some rest." He leaned over and kissed Casey on the cheek. Casey took enough time out from his grief to grimace and respond, "You need to shave."
Kelly laughed softly, then he patted Casey's shoulders through the covers and told him, "Get some sleep, I promise it's not going to be as bad as all this."
Casey just sighed.
