DO NOT READ IF YOU'RE EASILY OFFENDED AND/OR ARE A GEORGE W. BUSH FAN.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything used in this parody, which is obvious because, as stated above, it's a parody.
The Leper of Jerusalem
It
is a sunny day in the Holy Land in the year 2005. As they have been
for the last few thousand years, all the different religious groups
are kicking each other's tails trying to convert everyone else to
their faith but of course, it's not working. George W. Bush and his
guards are walking in the marketplace.
GEORGE W. BUSH: I
reckon things aren't lookin' too good.
DICK CHENEY: What does
that mean, Mr. President?
GEORGE W. BUSH: I'm not sure...Wait,
it means we need to get the biggest army in here possible! There may
be weapons of mass destruction!
DICK CHENEY: But, sir, I don't
see any evidence of—.
GEORGE W. BUSH: Be quiet and gather the
troops!
DICK CHENEY: Okay, but first, I'll have to write a speech
which I'll address to the American people about such a hasty,
irrational choice.
They go inside a Westernized building and
find a table. Dick Chaney grabs a pen and begins to write, but a beam
from the ceiling falls and crushes his hand. Balian and Tiberius,
dressed in modern clothes, rush into the room at the noise.
DICK
CHENEY: Aargh! I broke my hand! Ow! Insert curse words of your
choice here
BALIAN: Let me help you.
He moves the beam,
inspects the hand, etc. Tiberius, meanwhile, glances up into the
rafters just in time to see a figure shrouded in white vanish into
the dark.
BALIAN: Tiberius, come give me a hand—what is it?
TIBERIUS: I don't want to freak anyone out, but, HE'S HERE! THE
LEPER OF JERUSALEM!
GEORGE W. BUSH: The who of whatsalem?
BALIAN
AND TIBERIUS: (Singing) He's here, the Leper of Jerusalem!
TOWNSPEOPLE IN ROOM: What? How can this be? Etc.
BALIAN AND
TIBERIUS: It's true! He's here--(Singing) the Leper of Jerusalem!
DICK CHENEY: I'm freaked out, and my hand's still broken!
GEORGE
W. BUSH: Well, in times like these, we should follow the advice of my
great-grandfather, which was, "Never eat burned hotdogs".
Two Weeks Later
George W. Bush has troops
stationed in the city. He is in the same building, having coffee with
Dick Cheney and Balian, when Tiberius comes up to him.
TIBERIUS:
I have a message, sir, from the Leper Prince.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
Okey dokey.
TIBERIUS: He welcomes you to his city--.
GEORGE
W. BUSH: His city?
TIBERIUS: And commands that you attempt
to sustain peace within the city for as long as possible. Oh, and his
salary's due.
GEORGE W. BUSH: A salary?
BALIAN: What?
I used to have to pay him $20,000 a month.
DICK CHENEY: (Spitting
out coffee) $20,000?
BALIAN: Maybe you can afford more, being the
President of the United States.
Dick
Cheney has finished writing his big impressive speech, but the
president has lost his voice.
DICK CHENEY: Aw, man, now the
president can't cover up his incompetence to the American people by
using big fancy words!
BALIAN: Well, surely there's—an
understudy!
DICK CHANEY: Understudy? THERE IS NO UNDERSTUDY FOR
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!
TIBERIUS: (Meekly)
Christine Dashala could read it, sir.
DICK CHENEY: Who?
TIBERIUS: One of my personal servants. She's an orphan, but her
mother was a Christian and her father was a Muslim.
DICK CHENEY:
But that's impossible!
TIBERIUS: There's a fine line between love
and hate. It was like Romeo and Juliet.
DICK CHENEY: Awww!
But anyway, yes, her parentage is perfect to appeal to the people.
Have her come read.
Christine reads, gets to deliver the
speech, and does magnificently.
Later in Christine's
Room
Christine enters the room and Tiberius follows.
TIBERIUS: (Shooing away news crews) No comment, leave the girl
alone! (Closes door and faces Christine) You did amazingly, my dear.
(He hands her a red rose with a ribbon tied around the stem) He is
pleased with you.
Tiberius leaves. Christine stares at the
rose.
KING BALDWIN IV: (Voice coming from the ceiling) Bravi!
Bravi! Bravisimi!
Outside in the Lobby
Dick
Cheney is speaking to Raoul Davis, a young American soldier.
DICK CHENEY: She did very well. Would you like me to take you to
congratulate her?
RAOUL: If you don't mind, I'd rather go alone.
He enters Christine's room.
RAOUL: (Singing) My
country 'tis of thee--.
CHRISTINE: Raoul! You got off duty
tonight!
RAOUL: I couldn't miss you give a speech on
international television! General Carter let us off early and I have
the rest of the night off.
They embrace.
RAOUL: So,
would you like to go to supper with me?
CHRISTINE: Well, I'd
love to, but...I can't. You knew my parents, Raoul, and they always
told me after they were gone, they would send the Angel of Peace to
watch over me. I've been visited by the Angel. He's very kind, but
strict at times. He doesn't like the conflict that's been going on
here for so long and he's especially agitated now with all the
troops. He says that America shouldn't interfere; if war must occur,
let the people of Jerusalem solve it themselves.
RAOUL: Well,
perhaps once he sees how kindly I treat you, he'll have a change of
heart. I only have tonight off; tomorrow, we leave for a fort outside
the city to spy on the Muslims. We'll solve the conflict in a matter
of months. America's army is no match for the third-world conditions
of the Middle East. Come, I'll give you ten minutes. Meet me at the
car.
He leaves. Christine changes and prepares to go join him.
Suddenly, all the lights in her room go out and thundering pipe organ
music pounds through the ceiling.
KING BALDWIN IV: (Singing
through the ceiling) Insolent boy, this slave of battle,
occupying
my territory.
Ignorant fool, this brave young soldier,
tampering in my conflict.
CHRISTINE:
(Singing) Angel, I hear you.
Speak, I listen.
Stay by my
side, guide me.
Angel, my soul was weak, forgive me.
Enter at
last, master.
KING BALDWIN IV: (Singing) Flattering child, you
shall know me,
see why in shadow I hide.
Look at your face in
the mirror.
I am there inside!
Christine walks to the
mirror and a figure in white appears.
CHRISTINE: (Singing)
Angel of Peace, guide and guardian,
grant to me your glory.
Angel of Peace, hide no longer.
Come to me, strange angel.
The figure becomes more visible. It is a man in flowing white
robes wearing a metal mask. His blue-gray eyes seem to glow.
KING BALDWIN IV: (Chanting/Singing) I am your Angel.
Come to
me, Angel of Peace.
RAOUL: (Outside the locked door) Who's is
that voice? Who is that in there?
KING BALDWIN IV:
(Chanting/Singing) I am your Angel of Peace.
Come to me, Angel of
Peace.
He extends his hand and Christine takes it. He leads
her through passages to his underground home.
CHRISTINE: So,
uh, where exactly are we going, Angel?
KING BALDWIN IV:
(Sensually) Oh, you'll see, you'll see. All in good time, my dear.
They reach his underground home. It is lavishly
furnished--tapestries hang on the walls, a chess set sits on a table,
and a fire roars in the fireplace. The "Coexist" logo is
carved into the stone wall above the fireplace.
KING BALDWIN
IV: (Singing) I have brought you
to the seat of sweet peace's
throne,
to this kingdom where all must pay homage to harmony,
harmony.
You have come here
for one purpose and one alone.
Since the moment I first heard you speak,
I have needed you
with me to serve me, to speak,
for my peace-keeping, my
peace-keeping…..
He nearly triumphs in seducing her with his
amazing voice, but he makes the mistake of showing her a wedding
dress hanging in the closet just before they reach the bedroom and
Christine faints. King Baldwin steals the scarf she's wearing to
remember her by, then lays her down on his bed and waits for her to
wake up. She does and takes off his mask and sees that he's a leper.
He cuffs her, rants for about two minutes, puts his mask back on, and
takes her back to her room.
The
Next Morning
Dick Cheney enters the building.
DICK
CHENEY: (Singing) "Mystery After Press Conference Night!"
It says, "Mystery of Young Speaker's Flight"!
"Mystified." all the papers say, "We are
mystified.
We suspect foul play."
Bad news on political
scene,
first George W. now Christine,
still, at least, the
seats get sold.
Gossip's worth its weight in gold.
He runs
into Balian.
BALIAN: (Singing) Damnable, well, they all walk
out!
This is damnable!
DICK CHENEY: Balian, please don't
shout!
It's publicity, and the take is vast!
Free publicity!
BALIAN: But our speaker has dashed!
Cheney, have you seen
the cue?
They both hold up letters.
Oh, it seems you
got one, too.
DICK CHENEY: (Singing, reading his note) "Dear
Dick Cheney,
What an exciting conference!
Christine enjoyed a
great success.
We were hardly bereaved when George W. left.
On
that note,
the man's unfit for his position.
Must he go
through reelections
when it's clear he's past his prime?"
BALIAN: (Reading) "Dear Balian,
Just a brief reminder.
My salary has not been paid.
Send it care of the king,
oh,
and one more thing,
PTO
no one likes a debtor, so it's better
if my orders are obeyed!"
BOTH: Who would have the gall to
send this?
Someone with a puerile brain!
BALIAN: These are
both signed L. P.
DICK CHENEY: Who the hell is he!
BOTH:
Leper Prince!
Utter confusion ensues. Raoul, George W. Bush,
and company all arrive and are trying to figure out where Christine
is and who the note-sender is. Finally, Tiberius arrives with another
note.
GEORGE W. BUSH: (Reading the note) "Gentlemen, I
have now sent you several notes of the most amiable nature detailing
how my city is to be run. You have not followed my
instructions. I shall give you...
KING BALDWIN IV: (Reading) I
shall give you one last chance.
He orders them to let
Christine deliver the next speech intended for the president to read
at a conference which will be attended by all the major Muslim and
Christian leaders to try to attempt peace. Representatives from the
United Nations will also be present.
KING BALDWIN IV: I shall
be at the historical palace where the meeting will be held, seated at
my rightful place at the king's table...which will be kept
empty for me. Should these commands be ignored, a disaster beyond
your wildest imagination will occur.
GEORGE W. BUSH: I remain,
gentlemen, your obedient servant,
L. P.
GEORGE
W. BUSH: (Singing extremely badly, still has hint of a Texas accent)
Christine!
BALIAN AND DICK CHENEY: (Singing) Whatever next?
GEORGE W. BUSH: It's all a plot to help Christine!
RAOUL:
This is insane!
Chaos erupts yet again until George W. Bush is
promised that he, not Christine, will deliver the speech.
Later
That Night
In the palace, all the political figures are
talking, enjoying a cocktail reception before the meeting.
BRITISH POLITICAN: (Singing) They say a modern Crusades wick is
near bursting to flame!
RUSSIAN REPRESENATIVE: (Singing) What
will happen if the city falls?
SWITZERLAND REPRESENATIVE: If it
does, we're not getting involved!
They continue this talk
until the meeting begins. Everyone takes their places. The
politicians who will be speaking sit at the king's table, and George
W. Bush arrogantly and purposely sits in the king's place, at the
head. Christine, Princess Sibylla, and other women who have come to
watch, sit in chairs against the wall. President Bush begins his
speech in his typical accented and frankly boring drawl, and keeps
speaking, until...
KING BALDWIN IV: (Voice coming from
ceiling) DID I NOT INSTRUCT THAT MY PLACE WAS TO BE KEPT EMPTY!
Everyone gasps. Christine and Sibylla, who are best friends,
exchange uneasy looks.
SIBYLLA: He's here—the Leper of
Jerusalem!
CHRISTINE: (Recognizing the voice as the Angel's)
It's him.
The president turns angrily.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
Women are to remain silent during these proceedings!
KING
BALDWIN IV: (Voice still coming from ceiling) Oh, they are, Mr.
President? Perhaps it is you who are to be silenced!
George
W. Bush continues his speech, but ends up croaking like a toad and
Christine finishes the speech for him.
Christine has
finished the speech.
RAOUL:
(Dozing in a chair) Hmm? What? Oh, great speech, honey. (Leaning over
to whisper to another officer) When will we discuss strategy with the
general?...Thursday? Okay, good. (Turns back to Christine) So, what
do you wanna do to celebrate?
CHRISTINE: I don't know, but I
don't feel quite comfortable here. Let's go up to the roof.
They
do. The moon is out, stars twinkling, etc, and soon, the young couple
is kissing passionately. King Baldwin, clad in his robes and mask,
watches, his watery eyes showing inexpressible hurt. The couple soon
leaves. King Baldwin walks from his hiding place to where they once
stood. He pulls out Christine's scarf.
KING BALDWIN IV:
(Singing softly) I gave you my city,
entrusted you with my peace,
and now, how you've repaid me,
denied me and betrayed me.
He
buries his masked face in the scarf and weeps, his shoulders quaking
violently from his quiet sobs. Eventually, he looks up, his blue eyes
now blazing. He runs to the edge of the roof, perching on the balcony
railing.
KING BALDWIN IV: (Singing passionately) You will
curse the day you did not do
all that the Leper asked of you!
Three
Months Later
At a hall in the midst of modernized
Jerusalem, everybody is in costume. Balian is dressed as a ballerina,
Tiberius is a mummy, Dick Cheney is a giant pickle, and George W.
Bush is Julius Caesar.
DICK CHENEY: (Singing) Dear
President, what a splendid party!
GEORGE W. BUSH: (Singing very
badly) It's a great Halloween this year.
BALIAN: (Singing) Quite
a night, I'm impressed.
GEORGE W. BUSH: Well, one does one's
best.
ALL THREE: Here's to us!
BALIAN: And the rest of the
city!
DICK CHENEY: What a pity that the Leper can't be here!
The party is in full swing, everyone's having a great time.
Raoul, dressed as a safari guide, gives Christine her engagement
ring, which she brilliantly hides on a necklace. She is dressed as a
mermaid.
Suddenly, in the middle of all the fun, the lights go
out, then come on again. A figure clad all in black stands at the top
of the huge staircase. He wears an ashy-gray mask and gloves of the
same color. In red letters against his gray shirt read, "I Am
the Plague", the figure descends the steps, it is King
Baldwin IV.
KING BALDWIN IV: (Singing) Why so silent, citizens?
Did you think that I had left you for good?
Have you missed
me, citizens?
I have written you a great speech.
Here, I
bring the finished work.
These are my peace terms!
He
dramatically throws down a black folder and draws his sword.
KING BALDWIN IV: (Singing) Fondest greetings to you all.
A
few instructions before this speech is read:
The army must be
kept silent, not its normal trick of strutting on parade.
The
media must remain at bay.
It's not good manners for them to
distort a world play.
And Mr. President, please learn that your
place is in your nation,
not others.
He then commands that
Christine will read the speech, then vanishes.
Sibylla
is rushing down the hall. Raoul follows.
RAOUL: Princess
Sibylla, wait.
SIBYLLA: Please, soldier, I know no more than
anyone else.
RAOUL: That's not true!
SIBYLLA: Private
Davis, don't ask. There have been too many accidents.
RAOUL:
Accidents? Please, Your Highness, for all our sakes.
SIBYLLA:
Very well.
Okay, so, when my brother and I were little kids, he
was playing with his buddies and they had some swords—stupid
boys—and he got cut on the arm.
His best friend was like,
'Baldwin, dude, you're dripping blood everywhere. Doesn't that cut
hurt?' and my brother was like, 'What cut?' and everyone else is
like, 'You don't feel any pain? OMG, that's so weird,' so they take
him to Godfrey—Balian's dad—for treatment. Turns out, he's a
leper. Everyone cries. Baldwin attends to his duties as king locked
up in his study once he becomes king and he gets to wear this really
cool-looking mask. The End.
RAOUL: OMG!
SIBYLLA: Yeah, I know.
It's heavy duty stuff we're dealing with here.
Later That
Night
CHRISTINE: (Thinking) Well, Raoul's asleep when he's
supposed to be guarding my door. I have a crazy leper after me. This
will be a perfect time to visit my parents' grave unaccompanied by
any means of protection whatsoever!
She walks to the sidewalk
CHRISTINE: (Getting into a taxi, whose driver is King Baldwin
IV) To the graveyard, and step on it.
RAOUL: (Waking) Huh? What?
Where's the fuzzy bunnies and the cotton candy? Oh, I was
dreaming...I WAS DREAMING! Where's Christine?
He runs to
the window just in time to see the taxi drive off.
RAOUL:
Damn!
At the Graveyard
CHRISTINE: I think I'll
sing a song. It'll pass the time walking through the World's Largest
and Longest Graveyard. Sings
She reaches the tomb.
KING
BALDWIN IV: (From behind tombstone) Finally! I'd thought you'd never
get here! Oops, I mean Starts singing enticing song
CHRISTINE:
Hmmm, should I be freaked out? Nah! Walks toward tomb
KING
BALDWIN IV: (Thinking) Yes, it's gonna work, it's gonna work! I am
so awesome! Happy squeal
RAOUL: (Riding up on a camel) No,
Christine, wait! He's not your father!
CHRISTINE: Duh, he's the
Angel of Peace, you moron. Haven't you been listening to the song?
RAOUL: He's not that, either—he's a fraud!
KING BALDWIN
IV: And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for that
meddling kid!
But I won't admit defeat yet! If I kicked Saladin's
butt when the odds were against me, you're a piece of cake--no
offense.
RAOUL: None taken.
They fight. Raoul wins and
carries off Christine on his trusty camel named Billy.
KING
BALDWIN IV: Now, let it be war upon you both!
At
the next press conference, all the Christians and Muslims are in the
audience, being prevented from tearing each other's throats by police
officers. Christine is doing her best to deliver the speech King
Baldwin has written, but keeps getting interrupted by rude comments
shouted at her from the crowds. Suddenly, the king sneaks to her from
one of the wings.
KING BALDWIN IV: (Whispering in
Christine's ear) Not a pretty sight, is it?
CHRISTINE: No. What
do I do?
KING BALDWIN IV: Don't worry. I've got an idea.
He
turns to the crowd.
KING BALDWIN IV: HEY! EVERYBODY SHUT UP!
SOMEBODY'S GIVING A SPEECH, OKAY!
Everyone quiets down.
DICK CHENEY: (To King Baldwin IV) Who the heck are you?
KING
BALDWIN IV: Uh, hello, the mask? The fact that I'm covered head to
foot in this 105 degree weather? WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?
DICK
CHENEY: A cat burglar?
KING BALDWIN IV: No! I'M THE LEPER OF
JERUSALEM, YOU IDIOT!
DICK CHENEY: Oooooh! Wait a second! You're
the—Has heart attack
GEORGE W. BUSH: You shouldn't have
revealed such shocking news to him, Mr. Leper of Jerusalem. My
vice-President has a weak heart!
KING BALDWIN IV: I know that,
and that's why I told him! It's all part of the plan!
While
everyone is distracted helping Dick Cheney, King Baldwin IV takes
Christine down to his lair.
CHRISTINE: Hey, this place looks
familiar.
KING BALDWIN IV: (To himself) No duh.
CHRISTINE:
What was that?
KING BALDWIN IV: Nothing. So, you up for a game of
chess?
CHRISTINE: I don't know how to play.
KING BALDWIN IV:
Oh, well. That's okay. Just go change into the wedding dress that's
in the closet. Oh, and your engagement ring's on the table, and if
that looks familiar, too, don't ask questions.
CHRISTINE: Okay.
She changes and comes back out.
KING BALDWIN IV: OMG,
you look so hot!
CHRISTINE: (Creeped out) Um...okay, thanks.
Hey, why am I wearing this, anyway?
KING BALDWIN IV: (Slyly) Oh,
no reason...
Above Ground
RAOUL: Well, we've
taken care of Dick, and now, the American army is ready to make
drastic advances into Jerusalem!
GEORGE W. BUSH: And get the
invisible weapons of mass destruction?
RAOUL: Yep, and then
we'll--OMG, where's Christine?
GEORGE W. BUSH: And the leper guy?
RAOUL: I don't know, but as an arrogant and handsome American
soldier, it's my duty to go find out!
GEORGE W. BUSH: All right!
Go get 'em, tiger!
Back in the Lair
CHRISTINE: So,
you're sure we're standing on opposite sides of this really
long red carpet and I'm in a wedding dress holding these flowers for
completely random reasons?
KING BALDWIN IV: (Trying not to lose
patience) Mmm-hmmm. Now walk forward.
Raoul appears.
KING
BALDWIN IV: Damn it!
RAOUL: (Seeing the wedding scene)
Christine, no! Don't do it! Don't marry him!
CHRISTINE: Marry
him? But he just said...hey, wait a second! I can't marry you!
You're an angel and I'm a mortal!
KING BALDWIN IV: (Realizing
his mistake, nervously) Uh, yeah, well Laughs nervously see,
there's a funny story about that...
CHRISTINE: You are
a fraud! OMG, I can't believe I fell for all of this! I won't marry
you!
KING BALDWIN IV: You will, too! Know why? Know why? 'Cause
if you don't I'll tie up Raoul and turn him over to the Muslims!
CHRISTINE: You wouldn't dare!
KING BALDWIN IV: Watch me!
He
ties up Raoul and whips out his cell phone to call Saladin.
CHRISTINE: Okay, okay, I'll marry you!
RAOUL: Noooo!
KING
BALDWIN IV: Yea! Jumps up and down clapping his hands like an
excited little boy So, where should the wedding be? I was thinking
somewhere like Molokai, but what's your opinion?
ANGRY MOB:
(Making its way down to the lair, singing) Track down the enemy!
He
must be found!
King Baldwin's eyes widen and he realizes all
three of them will be caught.
KING BALDWIN IV: Take him!
Forget me, forget all of this.
Leave me alone...forget all
you've seen.
Go now, don't let them find you.
Take the horse,
swear to me never to tell Near tears...the secret you
know...of the innocent in hell!
ANGRY MOB: (Getting
closer, singing) The Leper of Jerusalem is there, deep down below!
KING BALDWIN IV: Go now! Go now and leave me!
As they
leave, King Baldwin confesses his love for Christine and tries to
give her back her scarf. She lets him keep it and she and Raoul leave
the lair on King Baldwin's horse.
When the angry mob enters the
lair, they find it wrecked. A chess set is burning in the fireplace.
The only thing left that isn't destroyed is the king's metal mask
sitting on a chair.
The End.
