Just how good is good?

The thing about California in December is that it seems like you are in a different country. How can it be warm? Having the doors open at LAX and the whoosh of warm air hit hits me. I wonder why any one would choose to live Illinois. Why did I choose to live in Illinois? Why did I still choose to live in Illinois? All my closest friends had moved on, I had qualified and if I was being completely honest with myself I have probably learnt everything I can under Lucien. I need to let go, to get moving, in a forward direction. I have become adept at moving sideway's.

Coming here is my first big step forward. The convention – Thoracic Surgery, Immediate and long Term Effects -should be interesting but the real reason I am here is to make some new contacts, try and spread my wings a bit, branch out etc etc.

Granted for my first big steps I do have my training wheels on, Abby is meeting me at the hotel and accompanying me to the convention. I think she may be by the pool rather more than in the convention hall, but any excuse to catch up must be acted upon. She is convinced I need to move on from County, in actuality this is all her idea. I think it maybe has something to do with having a weekend away from mommy duties. Since she and Luka moved to Boston we have only seen each other once and while she isn't bringing Joe I am really excited to see her.

Getting a cab is more of an adventure sport than I would have thought but I finally make it down-town by mid-afternoon make it into my room and give Abby a call. She is coming over after I have had a shower and cleaned my self up a bit and we are going out for dinner.

Abby has been doing her research and has booked us a table at one of LA's new IT places, a restaurant overlooking LA called Caro's. We should stand out like a pair of sore thumbs, but like she says nobody knows us so who cares?

We are sitting outside overlooking the whole city, in December. I feel vaguely ridiculous but after glass of white wine later I am settling in a bit.

"Look at the men in here? Seriously people don't look like this in Boston." Abby is perusing the room.

"Abby, you have Luka waiting at home with your baby!" I reply laughing at her. We enjoy the meal and spend most of it chatting about the people around us. Surely the lives they were leading were far more exciting than ours.

I have put off the fact I need to go to the toilet for long enough and finally can't take it any more. "I have to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

"Okay, I'll get the check then maybe we should get moving, I left Boston at 4am and am really starting to fell my age." Abby smiles at me.

"Sure I will sort you out after and meet you out the front."

********

As I come out of the bathroom tucking my lipstick back into my purse I spot Abby out the door speaking to the valet. The very well dressed valet. They both turn towards me as I come out the door and I realize the very well dressed valet is Brett. Brett, Ray's Brett. Ray who I haven't spoken to in four years. Ray's Brett but grown up and neat and well dressed. I am sure my jaw is resting on the pavement; I make a no doubt vain attempt to pick it up and paste a smile on.

"Well Neela, nice to see you, it's been a really long time. Let me introduce you to my wife….Neela this is Caro, Caro this is Neela. Neela was Ray's roomie for a while in Chicago, that's that he used to call you isn't it?" Brett is smiling at me, however his voice seems a little unfriendly. I feel like I'm in a vacuum, everything I know is rushing past me but I seem impervious to its force.

"Neela good to put a name to the face, Ray has spoken of you." She is smiling at me but the smile does not reach her eyes.

I feel like I am hyperventilating, all I can think is "Brett Ray Brett Ray" in an endless loop. The three of them are looking at me like I should say something. "Brett Ray Brett Ray"…..I have to get my self together. "You got married, are you still in the band, what are you doing in LA?" The words are being pushed out of my mouth, I am so nervous the words are coming and I have no control. I ask all the questions but the one that I really want an answer too. Not really one question I have a million but they all start with one, the one I don't ask "How is Ray?"

"Wow that's a lot." He's chuckling at me slightly, given as how I feel completely unhinged is about right. Abby is standing next to me smiling, being of no help at all. "Yeah, Caro and I moved here a while ago, the band kind of went by the wayside, some of us still get together occasionally to relive the glory day's. Sadly it seemed most us felt the urge to grow up."

He is smiling at his wife and I am struggling to believe this is the same guy who bummed around the apartment weeks at a time. A silver sports car pulls around to the front and the valet hands him the keys. Neela was aware she knew next to nothing about cars, but it did look expensive. "Well we had better get moving, good to see you again." He put his arm around Caro and made to move off. She looks back, smiles and gives us a small wave.

"Wait". I think I may have yelled that slightly louder than was appropriate..

He stops and turns to look at me.

"Are you still in contact with Ray?" I finally ask. The muscles in my stomach contract and I vaguely hope my dinner doesn't end up on the pavement.

"Of course." I feel the "of course" like an arrow to the heart. "Do you want me to say hi for you?" Brett looks at me questioningly.

"Ahh….yeah, how is he?" Do I seem like I am begging? Any scrap of information would be good. In reality I don't know if news of Ray will make me feel better or worse but I feel like an addict asking for a hit.

"He's good, I'll tell him you say hi when I see next him, do you have number you want me to give him or email address?"

I scramble in my bag for a pen and paper, coming up empty handed. Caro calmly pulls said items from her tote and hands them to me. I scribble the information down and hand them back. This time when she smiles it seems more genuine. Then they are gone.

The air pressure returns to normal and although I feel lightheaded I can breath normally again. Thant conversation feels like it took hours but when I look at my watch I realize it was less than five minutes.

"Wow that was interesting." Abby is looking at me smirking.

"What?"

"You nearly pulled that off, please note the use of the word nearly."

"What."

"Neela you were clinging on by your fingernails for a minute there. It was pretty funny to watch actually." She is still smirking at me.

"Was not."

"Was."

"Oka…. I was do you think Brett will give him the message? Do you think he will call me? How long do you think before he gets the message, I didn't ask Brett when he would see him. My god I am such a dope!"

"Wooh, take breath will you. The car is here get in." Abby tips the valet and we leave. "We don't know the answers to any of the myriad of questions you've got going on; does Ray still live in Louisiana? It could be month's before he gets the message so calm down." I know she is being sensible but for the first time in my life I want to run at the gate, not think things out. Thinking through every facet of every move is what got me in this mess.

"I don't know were he lives. After he was discharged from rehab I couldn't find him." I reply.

"We have talked every moment of your relationship to death and you never mentioned you looked him up, why didn't you call him?" She asks reasonably. .

"When I saw him at Mercy he was…. I don't know what the words are. Broken and I don't mean only physically, he seemed hollow. Not angry just really. He was disappointed in me. Then to top it off I told him I would visit and he called me on it. He told me I shouldn't lie to him that I never would visit. Ray knew the truth about me before I did. And he was right. I never did. So his disappointment was well placed." . We arrived at the hotel a few minutes ago but Abby parked the car and we are just sitting in the car park.

"Neela, you were hurt. You couldn't get to him for weeks, why didn't you do something when you were up to it. Ray would have understood."

It all seems so sensible when other people say it, but in my head at the time I as all at sea and no decision seemed like the only one to make.

"I don't know, then I left it too long, I missed his birthday, and then Christmas and now here are four years later. I don't even know were the time went. It's like it all happened to someone else. If I am being really honest my whole life feels like it is happening to someone else and I am watching through a window.

Being married to Michael….I can barely remember what that was like. Starting a relationship with Tony, then Simon, then god forbid what was I thinking with Lucien? You know they say the definition of insanity is making the same stupid decisions over and over again. You know what that makes me? Call for a Physc consult immediately. Now I can see the only one who really knew ME was Ray." Turning to face Abbey I ask "Do you think that was why I pushed him so hard? I was too scared to be with someone who actually could see who I was?"

Abby hands me some tissues from her bag, mothers always have tissues, and orders me to blow.

"Doesn't matter anyway. It's been too long and I bet he has a girlfriend." I play my trump card. Ray always has a girlfriend.

'Or perhaps he is pining away in some bayou waiting for someone you to come to your sences." Now she starts smiling thinking she has one upped me?

"We know that is not the case, Brett said he was doing good. If he wanted to call me he could have done it anytime. None of my numbers changed."

"That is true, he said he was good. He did not however say great or fantastic or awesome or amazing." She has me. "Okay enough sitting here let's go upstairs, try and get some sleep. Maybe he will call you in tomorrow." She says this with a very positive upswing un her voice. "You have pushed him away pretty hard before and he just kept trying."

I make it to my room and fall on the bed fully clothed, knowing full well I won't get a wink of sleep tonight.