Jeff knew this would be a nightmarish Saturday the minute he woke up on his couch. He confirmed it when he saw it was an ungodly early 8 am. But then again, he knew this would happen the second Troy, Abed and Annie dropped a drunk Britta off to sleep through her latest stupor, so at least he wasn't shocked.

All Jeff could do was take a cell phone picture of his uncomfortable self on the couch, then send it to the residents of Casa de Trobed. Then he somehow dragged himself over to the bedroom, where he saw a snoring Britta laying sideways and wrinkling his perfect sheets.

But once he took a picture of her and sent it to Troy, Abed and Annie, they'd know she was okay. And once they saw what time he sent these two pictures, they'd know that Jeff and Britta didn't get into drunken sex during the night.

After all, Jeff would never get up at 8 am from his comfy bed, lie on the couch, take a picture and take one of a sleeping Britta if he had sex in bed last night. So this would satisfy Troy in case he was thinking otherwise – and pacify the others as well. Just in case.

With that loose end tied up, Jeff dragged himself back to the couch for some last minute rest. But the next thing he knew, he was woken up by some groaning from the bedroom. The kind of morning groaning he still recognized too well, despite not having heard it in his apartment for over a year.

"Nice to have my old alarm clock back," Jeff called out to Britta. He heard her try to retort, but it came out as garbled jibberish like always.

After another few minutes of hearing her stumble around his bedroom – and hoping she had enough sense to spare his sheets any more pain – Jeff finally saw a hung over Britta emerge. "So how was your evening?" Jeff teased.

"It's too early for your 'jokes' Jeff," Britta somehow managed to say.

"Well, it's too early to be up, period, but you made that irrelevant," Jeff pointed out. "We'll get to that, once I make sure my threads are where I left them," he announced as he headed for the bedroom.

"My brain cells might not be where I left them, thanks for caring!" Britta rambled, yet Jeff wouldn't take responsibility for those mercy killings.

He wasn't even drinking with Britta this time, since Troy, Abed and Annie apparently went out with her last night. And according to them, Britta insisted on sleeping her bender off in Jeff's comfy bed, rather than her own or in any of the Trobed beds. But at least she didn't get to puke in Annie's bed or on any of her stuffed animals – and at least the damage to his own bed was minimal after all.

Once Jeff properly made his bed and got his sheets just right again, he got dressed and went back to the living room, with Britta lying her head on the kitchen table. "Let me guess, you don't have any real organic food to help me out here, right?" Britta mumbled into the table.

"Not since you stopped sleeping over, no," Jeff reminded. "But I'm already up and I need you to talk normal at some point. So I'll get your all-natural hangover cure stuff, just like old times," he relented, then got a hat and sunglasses so no one would recognize him.

It should have bothered Jeff more that he still remembered where Britta got her organic food, which kinds she needed for hangovers, and was getting them although they weren't sleeping together. Yet he couldn't get answers while she was a slightly bigger mess than usual.

Still, at least he got a text message back from Annie on his way there. Naturally, it included some cutesy and apologetic emoticons over the two pictures he sent earlier. At least she wasn't too panicky over Britta – or over what she might have done in Jeff's bedroom.

So Jeff typed a thumbs up emoticon and informed her he was getting Britta's organic food. He left out how he was already driving there, since it was too early for a lecture about driving while texting – and how Oprah and Glee had taught Jeff nothing. Fortunately, Annie just awed and cutesy emoticoned Jeff some more, amazing Jeff that she could do so at this unholy hour on a Saturday.

Annie also texted apologies on Britta's behalf, reminding him it was Britta's idea to crash at Jeff's, for reasons she and Troy and Abed didn't get. Well, Abed probably knew, but this was the time of the month where he let characters figure things out on their own. Jeff would have literally patted himself on the back for not making a 'time of the month' joke if he wasn't driving – and almost did anyway.

Instead, he texted Annie that it was okay and Britta would be fine, then they just kept texting each other for a few minutes – despite not talking about Britta anymore. Finally, Annie pointed out that Jeff said he was heading to the car a few minutes ago. She then asked sternly – and Jeff could even feel the stern tone from the text – if he was texting and driving.

So Jeff texted that he was starting the engine and had to go, then turned off the phone before Annie could nitpick further. Fortunately, he got to the organic food store moments later, and got Britta's stuff without anyone noticing him.

Jeff returned to the apartment and saw Britta still at the kitchen table. But when she caught the objectively unpleasant smell of her organic crap, she lifted her head up and started chowing down. With Britta clearly busy, Jeff went back to the couch and started browsing through his usual bad Saturday TV.

Yet after Britta was revived and the Saturday lineup proved less bad than hoped, Jeff went back over to talk to his house guest. "So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this murder free breakfast?" Jeff asked Britta, who frowned in righteous disgust – the clearest sign she was on the mend.

"Well, I'm sorry someone actually tried to save the world in this apartment again!" Britta scoffed. Yep, back with a vengeance. "Don't worry, you can choke the environment again with your less Earthly food tomorrow."

"I don't know. Between you saving my room's environment with your organic eating, and you choking it with your drunken sleepover last night, where would I find room to pollute it again?" Jeff commented. "If you didn't insist on being drunk in here, maybe I'd still be in balance with Mother Nature. So why did you betray your dear old mommy, anyway?"

At that, Britta was weirdly silent. Of course the one time Jeff actually wanted Britta to talk…. "Did Troy check in on you?" she finally asked quietly.

"No, Annie did, but I let her know you were fine. She'll pass it along to the dynamic duo when they're not acting like giant worms. Or whatever monsters they're playing this week," Jeff informed.

"It's vampire bears, actually," Britta somehow knew.

"Huh, I'm surprised you knew that. If you knew why you insisted on sleeping here instead of home, or with your vampire bear friends, then I'd be impressed," Jeff confessed.

"I haven't slept with him – them!" Britta didn't correct fast enough, which narrowed it down for Jeff.

"Ah, so that's it. Trouble in paradise with a certain vampire bear," Jeff teased. "Well, I might have cared enough to bug you on a slow Wednesday, but thankfully it's Saturday. And you've disturbed enough of my Saturday, so we can just drop it right there."

Immediately after he said this, Jeff knew he'd screwed himself, as this wasn't one of Britta's reverse psychology trick. Now that he got a general idea of what made her drink, he didn't want to be bothered with it anymore. And it was because he'd already been disturbed way too much on a Saturday, not because he was jealous of Troy.

Unfortunately, now that he'd said he didn't want to talk, Britta would be ready to drone on and on and on. This was what happened when Jeff didn't get his 14 hours of early weekend sleep and forgot about traps like that.

"Things were going so well, and that was the problem," Britta let the nightmare begin. "They invited me to get an early look at their new movie. And it….wasn't something I needed to get high to like. At least not for two acts. Then we went to a bar to celebrate, and we were drinking without getting drunk….and then when Abed and Annie left us alone, we were that close to kissing! Then they came back just a little too early...and then I started drinking."

"And there's our first Britta of the story, dear viewers," Jeff commented, trying to stay awake somehow.

"Hey, the real Britta would have been to kiss him! At least that's what my brain said when I got drunk. Then it stopped thinking about him and us and kissing and screwing things up, so I just went with it! And then it kept telling me to rest up at your place, so who was I to say no then?" Britta asked, as if Jeff could begin to answer.

"I'd ask Troy, Abed and Annie, but they're not here and you're here, aren't you?" Jeff sarcastically double checked.

"But that's it, I'm here. I'm here instead of there, and I wanted it that way!" Britta stated before sighing deeply. "Troy really didn't call and think I slept with you, did he?"

"No. I only told Annie, so if Troy thinks that, he's just bugging her at the moment. And she's not calling me to help her calm Troy down, so I think you're good," Jeff littered with some spare sarcasm.

"I'm not good, and that's the problem!" Britta admitted. "I was close to having a real moment with Troy! Like moment in a sexist, pro-female slavery romcom moment! But the first chance I got to back out of it, I got drunk and tried to make Troy mad and jealous by sleeping here! And even that didn't work! But I'll probably find something that does, cause messing this stuff up is the one thing I don't Britta for long!"

Jeff remembered this recurring morning proble all too well. When Britta was just getting over her hangovers, yet hadn't got all her defenses back up yet, she tended to get more self-loathing than usual. But even Jeff realized this went deeper than wishing she was in a Turkish prison, or had a rich father she could turn in for financial crimes against humanity.

This actually sounded serious. God, Jeff could not catch a break on this Saturday!

"Every time things get really good with someone nice, I have to find a way to mess it up. I can't even blame corporations or bagals for hardwiring me that way, I just do it all myself! But….but he's sweet and carefree and he's so dim but so smart sometimes! And I….make everyone miserable. Even the likes of him, eventually. So isn't it good that I can't let someone like him get somewhere with someone like me?" Britta asked, as if she really wanted Jeff to answer her. And that might be because she did.

"Britta, didn't I Winger speech you straight on that months ago?" Jeff started. "You know I don't like to repeat Winger speeches! Just like I don't like to see people I've already had sex with, or have sex with them for longer than a few months. Or be friends with them long after we stopped having sex! But I already made those exceptions for you, just like this one. So if you were special enough to set all those records, I guess you're special enough for someone like Troy. Is that good enough to stick this time?"

"Wait, you're encouraging me to be with him?" Britta checked. "I just told you how awful I'd be for him! And you still think a screw up like me should be with someone who's way better than me?"

"If that's what you want to get out of it, I won't stop you." Jeff offered, figuring that would get her to bother Troy the rest of the weekend. Instead, Britta just laughed more unsettlingly than usual.

"You think I'm good enough for him?" she all but giggled. "Like I believe that from you! Not after three years of the Jeff and Annie show, I'm not!"

That was a show Jeff did not want to gossip about right now – especially with Britta.

Unfortunately, she brought it up so out of the blue, Jeff couldn't kill all his curiosity. "Why does that mean anything to you and Troy?" he sadly couldn't stop himself from asking.

"Oh come on, me and Troy are you and Annie 2.0!" Britta theorized. "We're the older screw-ups who can't deal with anything real, and they're the young innocents who see something in us for some crazy reason! But we don't feel worthy enough to just take the leap anyway, even if they want us to! And we're too afraid of hurting people who think we don't ruin everything! I mean, face it Jeff, you're me with a bad dye job! And Annie's just Troy with Disney eyes!"

"Oh, I wish a Disney eyed Troy was the most disturbing part of that fantasy," Jeff sincerely wished, before settling down to set Britta straight. "Britta, I know we're too alike to have anything….happen here again."

"Exactly!" Britta interrupted. "And that's why we're both focused on great young people way out of our league now! But it didn't work between us because we're too alike! And we know it won't work with them because we're not alike with them at all! We'd ruin them, suck all their goodness away and hate ourselves more when it ended badly! If you didn't think that about Annie, she'd be staying here and I'd have to crash at home, so think about that!"

"No thank you, I'd rather stay in reality a while longer," Jeff shared, despite not sounding as forceful.

"Come on, Jeff. You think you let Annie know we weren't sleeping together for Troy's sake? You did it so she wouldn't think we hooked up again. Then you wouldn't have to deny the Annie of it All in front of us again either. But if you had to, you'd still do that again! Because it's better to break her heart that way, than to ruin her with a relationship you can't handle. Trust me, I know that now!" Britta laid out.

"How much you know varies from week to week," Jeff tried and failed to deflect.

"Face it, Jeff, you're not the guy to give me relationship advice here. You can't convince yourself you're good enough to be with someone like Annie. So how can you convince me I'm good enough to keep someone like Troy?" Britta demanded to know.

There were too many things about Britta's little theory for Jeff to protest. And Saturday was not a day meant to argue something like that. Yet Britta could not go unchallenged on this. So Jeff started off with the first objection he could think of.

"Britta….compare you and me all you want, but do not lump Annie and Troy together. Annie isn't like him, and she isn't like anyone in the world either! Plus I know I'd just treat her wrong and let her down if we got together, which I can't let happen! You'd be too busy treating yourself badly to keep Troy around, which is totally different! So at least get that stuff through your head!" Jeff insisted.

"Wow, it sounds like you think very highly of Annie," Britta deadpanned.

"Longer than you've thought about Troy!" Jeff countered. "You've been nuts about him for a few months! Come talk to me after three years and you might have something!"

"See, there you go! You've been nuts for her for three years and you still can't be with her! So how can you say I won't avoid Troy for three more years too? Why should I listen to someone who's a bigger coward than me?" Britta asked.

"I see. So it's cowardice to keep someone like Annie from someone like me. I'd call it being smart, being considerate for the first time, and keeping the best person we all know from being miserable. But you went for cowardice, nice," Jeff quipped.

"Ah ha! So it's smart for you to string someone along and protect her from you! But it's not okay for me to do it! Thanks for clearing that up," Britta gloated as Jeff sputtered over actually being outsmarted by her.

"You think I like that it's smart?" Jeff finally spat out. "If it wasn't for all that, I'd go get her in a second!" he confessed, as it was too early for his usual defenses to go up too. "I know I would, but I don't know about you, though!"

"Hey, the second Britta'ing doesn't stand for teeny tiny screw-ups, I'll go out there and Britta Troy all night long! You just watch me!" Britta challenged.

"From where, one of Abed's other timelines where it actually might happen?" Jeff shot back.

"Yeah, you could go there and take a vacation from that other timeline! You know, the one where you have the guts to go for Annie and actually try to be good for her! The one that could never in a hundred years be this one? You know, that one!" Britta matched.

"At least we'd have you and Troy beaten by two hundred years, so there!" Jeff taunted, running out better material. Yet whenever he and Britta had these competitive, taunting arguments, it usually devolved into childish words much sooner.

"Oh please, I could beat you to it right now if I wanted! Then you'd have no excuses left not to get Annie!" Britta pointed out.

"Is that supposed to be a challenge? Like if you break through with Troy first, I have to do it with Annie? And the other way around too?" Jeff asked incredulously, about to tear Britta apart for such a crazy idea.

Yet before he could, Britta had to state, "Unless you're too smart to take that kind of chance," clearly meaning something else by "smart." Once Jeff saw that it translated into "coward," all of his common sense left him, as it always did when he went into Britta battle.

"Fine, you want smarts? Once I get through my issues to be with Annie first, I'll look like Einstein while you're still Britta'ing Troy's brains out! Who'll be the smart one then?" Jeff checked.

"Not me, that's for sure! I can like myself enough to get Troy way before you get off your overrated ass for Annie!" Britta offered.

"Well, then I guess we'll see who's the smart one soon enough," Jeff concluded.

"Duh-doy we will!" Britta counter-offered.

"Oh, now I'm really worried."

"Well, it's too late to concede defeat now, you had your chance, Jeff!"

"Fine, and there goes your chance too!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

With that last childish fine from Jeff, he finally went back to watching TV and ignoring Britta. For that matter, Britta sat down at the kitchen table and focused on nothing but her breakfast. When she finished and was relatively okay to head home, she headed away to take the bus without saying a word to Jeff.

Yet when Jeff noticed her gone, he wasn't at a loss for words in his head. Some of those words questioned why the hell he admitted that Annie stuff to Britta in the first place. Others had some leftover Britta jokes he would now have to save for Monday morning at the study room.

Another string of words questioned if he really took a dare to pursue Annie for real, before Britta could do the same with Troy. When he remembered the answer was yes, Jeff groaned and asked one more thing out loud.

"How the hell can she even Britta Saturday?"