Disclaimer: I've tried wishing really hard but I still don't own it!
Anger only needs comfort to turn lust into love
TWTWTW
Jack sighed to himself as he watched Ianto drag himself around the stations of his teammates, cleaning as he went. Toshiko, Gwen and Owen had left two hours ago and Jack had told Ianto to leave at the same time. Ianto had claimed he wanted to finish some paper work first and Jack had capitulated.
Now two hours later he was watching the Welshman struggle to find things to occupy himself. Jack knew he was just putting off going home to his lonely flat. He knew Ianto struggled with being alone since Lisa died. Actually that was not strictly true, Ianto enjoyed being alone and avoided company at all times, but he did not want to be alone at home where he would have nothing but memories to occupy his mind. At least at work he could find endless pointless tasks to null the pain.
Jack grabbed his whiskey bottle and two glasses and headed into the main hub to confront the man and hopefully persuade him to sit awhile and maybe even talk.
'Ianto...come and drink with me' he shouted to the Welshman indicating the bottle he was holding.
Ianto stopped and gripped the workbench he was standing beside. He was tired and unhappy and he really did not want to drink with the man responsible for both those conditions. Since Lisa had died he had not slept at all well and tended to plod about the hub carrying out mundane tasks until he was almost asleep on his feet.
His relationships with the rest of the team were still not good. Gwen fussed over him causing him to feel endless remorse over her injuries at Lisa's hands and Owen basically refused to talk to him unless it was work related or he was sniping at him. Toshiko was heartbroken for him and Ianto was grateful for her sympathy but wished it did not add to his guilt.
Jack was his main problem. He was so angry with the man it was impossible to think straight at times. But equally he was attracted to him and disgusted by his own desires. How could he want the man who had killed the love of his life? Jack flirted with him constantly and he knew some of it was because the other man was testing his reaction.
Ianto had not been touched for a long time and sometimes his body reacted in ways that his mind was not completely happy with. Sometimes he wanted to slam the captain against the nearest wall and fuck him senseless and then he caught himself laughing at the thought. He had never been with a man and although he was aware of the logistics of how it would work, he would still no doubt made a mess of it and the infamous intergalactic slut that was the captain would probably laugh in his face.
He really didn't think he could stand it if Jack laughed at him.
Ianto took a deep breath and made his way over to the captain, smiled at him a little warily and sat on the battered hub sofa and held out his hand for a glass.
'How are you Ianto?' asked Jack as he handed him the drink.
Ianto snorted with derision. It annoyed him that Jack was pretending to care now that the care was too late. But the other man continued to look at him obviously waiting for an answer.
'Do you really want to know? Or do you just think you ought to ask?' sneered Ianto 'Or even worse are you worried I'm still hiding stuff from you?' he scoffed.
'All of the above' admitted Jack 'I know I should ask and I actually do want to know...I care...and I know you are still hiding stuff from me'
'No!' shouted Ianto horrified that the captain could think he had anything else to hide when he knew the other man had barely let him out of his sight since Lisa had been discovered.
'How could I possibly hide anything from you when you watch me constantly...the CCTV follows me everywhere and I know you have bugs in my home' he huffed.
Jack looked at him surprised.
'I'm not stupid Jack I know you watch me' he sneered.
Jack bowed his head.
'At the hub Ianto...there are no bugs of mine in your home...I wouldn't do that' he insisted.
'Oh' whispered Ianto.
He had been unsure about the bugs in his house but had assumed the captain would take his surveillance that far having little regard for other people's privacy.
'But you are still hiding stuff' insisted Jack 'you are hiding how you feel...what's going through your head...no amount of watching you will tell me that' he said softly.
'What do you want me to do Jack? Weep and wail?' sneered Ianto.
'No...I'm well aware that's not going to happen...but you could talk to me' answered Jack quietly.
Ianto looked at him with distaste.
'I'm not going to cry on the shoulder of the man who helped to kill the woman I love' he said viciously.
'That's not true Ianto' whispered Jack 'Lisa was dead long before she got here...and I think you know that'
Ianto squashed down his tears. Jack was right he did know Lisa had been dead before his teammates got to her, he also knew they were all concerned for him and angry with him. He wanted someone to blame, someone to hate. He tried to hate Jack but to do so he had to fight his desire for the man and that just increased his anger. Smothering these emotions down was not helping Ianto to grieve or to find a way of dealing with the situation.
'Yeah I know that Jack' admitted Ianto with defeat in his tone.
'Doesn't really make it any easier does it?' asked Jack.
Ianto looked up at him with sorrow in every pore.
'I don't think anything will make this any easier Jack...grieving takes time...as does forgiveness and nobody here is in any hurry to forgive me' he said swallowing his whiskey and holding out his glass for a refill.
Jack filled his glass again, downed his own drink and looked deeply into the empty vessel.
'Tosh has forgiven you Ianto and so have I' he said softly.
Ianto looked at him in surprise.
'Really?' he asked in bewilderment.
'Yes' said Jack 'you acted out of love and desperation that's a very human reaction...and you were right we did all ignore you and take you for granted...we should have looked Ianto, should have seen you were hurting'
Jack reached out and clasped the younger man's hand tightly in his own. Ianto was too surprised to recoil from the touch, instead hanging on to the digit as if to a lifeline.
'You've been punished enough' finished Jack looking into his eyes.
Ianto held his gaze for a moment but looked away when he began to feel like Jack could see into his soul. Taking courage from the fact that Ianto still held his hand Jack leaned forward and kissed the other man's forehead gently.
'I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me' he whispered against the Welshman's skin.
Ianto could feel the ever present tears well up behind his eyes. His mind knew the situation was not Jack's fault but his heart told him to keep the anger as a defence against letting the enigmatic captain get closer to him. Before the tears could threaten to fall he stood up.
'I'm going home' he stated and left the hub quickly.
Jack sighed, poured himself another drink and settled for yet another lonely night on his own.
TWTWTW
Over the next three weeks it became a regular thing for Ianto to stay behind after the others had left the hub, for a late night drink with Jack before going home to try to sleep. He enjoyed the captain's company. When Jack wasn't being the leader of an underground organisation, he became witty, intelligent, incisive and even caring. Ianto liked this new side to his teammate.
He found himself looking forward to their nights together and ever more reluctant for them to end and him to go home to his cold and empty flat. Jack had become more flirtatious and was touching Ianto much more often. But it was always gentle, never overt or intrusive and Ianto enjoyed the attention. He began to relax slightly and this rubbed off on his relationships with the others. He shared many moments of quiet chat with Toshiko, his relationship with Gwen became less awkward and more playful and he began to snipe back at Owen when the medic took his teasing too far.
Ianto was beginning to recover but he had days that were still very bad and today was one of them. He had seen a woman this morning on the way into work with a handbag that reminded him of Lisa's. It was an old school satchel type bag and Lisa had used it every day and shoved her whole world into it. Ianto had teased her about it as it was hardly the height of fashion, but Lisa had been emotionally attached to that bag and could not be persuaded that it did not compliment every outfit she processed.
It was such a stupid thing to be upset about. The woman carrying the bag had looked nothing like Lisa and when Ianto looked properly even the bag was not really a match to Lisa's and yet it was making his whole day a nightmare of memories.
He had taken himself off to the archives and sat with tears rolling down his face for an hour after lunch and then forced himself to act professionally but it was still affecting him and he couldn't shake it off.
When evening came he had determined to go straight home when the others left as he didn't think he could sit with Jack tonight without revealing more of himself than he was comfortable with. The last thing he wanted was to break down in front of the other man.
Jack however was equally determined to keep his Welshman behind for their usual chat. He had noticed Ianto was not doing well today and had even caught him on CCTV when he had been crying. He fought the desire to go to him then and console him, knowing that Ianto would not appreciate being observed. But when he noticed Ianto getting ready to leave with the others he knew he had to act. Realising asking Ianto to stay for a drink would just meet with a refusal tonight he tried a different tack. Ianto would never refuse to complete any part of his work.
'Ianto...could you just look at some paperwork for me before you go?' he asked calmly.
Ianto looked up in quiet desperation. He wanted to leave but if Jack needed his help then licking his wounds in private would have to wait a few more minutes and he trailed sadly up to his captain's office. Jack gave him the corrected paperwork and asked him to input the new data onto the hub network. Ianto trailed back down to his own monitor and began work.
The task only took five minutes by which time Jack was ensconced on the sofa with the last of the coffee from the pot Ianto had made an hour earlier, it wasn't at its best but Jack had realised Ianto would not join him for an alcoholic beverage tonight, he was already depressed enough.
Jack placed the two cups on the coffee table and beckoned to Ianto to join him.
'I really want to go home Jack' said Ianto miserably.
'I know that Ianto' whispered Jack 'I can see how you are feeling today...please tell me about it...it might help'
Ianto snorted in derision.
'It won't help Jack and you know it' he said but he sat next to the other man and picked up the cup, grimacing as he tasted the coffee and placing it back on the table.
Jack took a deep breath. He had achieved his first objective and Ianto was now sitting and talking to him, he was well aware it was unlikely to help in the short term but going home to an empty house and grieving alone would not help either.
'Tell me' he urged.
Ianto became more annoyed.
'I don't want to talk about it Jack' he insisted.
Ianto had fluctuated between anger and sorrow all day and could feel himself heading back towards the former again now. He didn't think it would be a good idea to be around Jack for much longer.
'You still miss her' said Jack trying clumsily to open a conversation about Lisa.
Ianto felt the full sway of anger within his breast now.
'Of course I still miss her' he hissed.
He couldn't believe Jack was doing this to him, trying to make him relive the most painful memories of his life. He sat on this sofa next to Ianto offering his pretend sympathy one minute and flirting with him the next. Ianto wasn't sure if he was most angry with Jack, or himself. Angry that he wanted the other man, for reacting to his flirtation, for wanting the comfort he was sure the captain's arms would bring.
Jack really was worried for Ianto. He knew the man would continue to grieve badly for a while yet and he desperately wanted to offer comfort. He was out of practise at reacting on so human a level but he knew he had to try, wanted to try. He reached out and tried to clasp one of Ianto's hands.
Ianto recoiled from the touch. This man who had taken his true love from him was now offering phony comfort in return.
He snapped.
Ianto threw himself bodily onto the captain and kissed him harshly. Jack did not react immediately too shocked to process what was happening. What was his normally placid Welshman doing? Ianto drew back from Jack's mouth and snarled at him.
'Come on sir...this is what you want isn't it?'
Jack attempted to push him away.
'Ianto what the hell do you think you're doing?' he gasped.
Ianto grabbed his shirt collars and pulled him back towards himself.
'Come on...you owe me Harkness' he spat at the man below him.
Jack realised what was happening. Ianto had finally snapped. All that bottled up aggression and sexual frustration was erupting at this moment and Jack needed to contain it before Ianto did something he would regret.
Ianto bit the captain's neck viciously.
'Come on Jack' he snarled again.
Jack lost his temper as the pain from the bite hit him. He pulled Ianto to his feet and ripped his shirt open. His hands began to scrabble at the Welshman's belt as he held him close and muffled into his neck.
'Ok Ianto...you want payback? Then let's do this...what do you want? A blow job or will a hand job be sufficient or are you intending to fuck me over the sofa?' he snarled.
Jack's hands were still fumbling with Ianto's trousers when he heard a muffled sob and realised the other man had stilled completely.
'Don't' whispered Ianto.
Jack pushed him away from his embrace to look into his face. It was the face of a frightened child suddenly. The anger had left and the sorrow had returned with full force.
'Please don't do this Jack' sobbed Ianto when he realised he had the captain's attention.
Jack's own fury had dissipated Ianto's anger and now the other man was just scared at what he had started. Jack pulled him back into his embrace, but it was now one of care not lust. Jack buried his head in Ianto's neck and kissed him gently.
'It's ok Ianto...it's over...we're done' he said quietly.
Ianto nodded his head and swallowed audibly, embarrassed at his actions and at what had followed and not really knowing how to exit gracefully from the situation. Jack saved him once more.
'Why don't you make us some fresh coffee and we'll try to be civilised human beings for a short while' he smiled.
Ianto nodded and began to go through the motions, soothed by the familiar actions and by having his hands occupied. Five minutes later he returned to the sofa with two cups and tentatively sat next to his captain offering him one of the beverages.
'I'm sorry Jack' he whispered as he sat.
'Me too' whispered Jack.
They managed to look at each other and smile softly.
'I admit I was hoping for our first encounter to be nicer than that' said Jack quietly.
'You thought there would be a first encounter?' asked Ianto 'and other encounters?' he added as realisation of the implications dawned.
'I hoped' replied Jack.
'But I don't do stuff with men' announced Ianto as if everybody he knew should be aware of something so fundamental about himself.
He immediately realised this was ridiculous considering the lengths he went to in order to conceal even the most basic information about himself. He also briefly considered his thoughts about the captain over the last few weeks, they were hardly platonic.
'Really?' asked Jack genuinely surprised.
'Why would you think I did?' asked Ianto a little aggrieved now.
Was his acting really that good or was he somehow giving off a gay vibe? He didn't have a problem with people being gay, but he had always considered himself straight and wasn't sure he wanted to rethink that, however much he might be attracted to Jack.
'I just assumed you had been with men before' said Jack puzzled.
'Why?' asked Ianto.
'Because...you flirted back' tried the captain.
'Didn't like to be rude' smirked Ianto lightening the moment.
They looked at each other guardedly but with smiles just below the surface.
'Did you really think I was gay?' asked Ianto still unsure what to think about that.
'No' answered Jack 'I thought you were flexible' he grinned.
'What...I liked men who were a bit girly? Because you might be a little camp at times but I don't think anyone would call you girly' laughed Ianto.
'Camp!' gasped Jack in mock outrage 'what exactly about me is camp?'
Ianto looked a bit unsure what to say. Did Jack seriously not realise how his actions appeared to people of this century?
'Well the clothes are a bit...and sometimes you...' he trailed off unhappily.
Jack laughed at him.
'I know Ianto' he assured the other man softly.
Ianto felt relieved if a bit annoyed that Jack had taken him in again. He returned to their earlier topic.
'So did you think I liked to look at men... and think about them... but never dared to do anything about it...or maybe you just assumed nobody could resist your charms...because that is not me...' he trailed off unsure of his assertion.
Jack smiled at him.
'I've been turned down plenty of times Ianto...I am fully aware of how resistible I am' he said self effacingly 'no point in wallowing over those you cannot have when there are plenty more to ask who might be more amenable' he continued.
'So...you'll just go and ask someone else' stated Ianto.
'Not tonight' said Jack softly.
Ianto took a moment to consider this assertion.
'Show me how it would go' he said at last.
'What?' asked Jack in some confusion.
'You said you hoped our first encounter would be nicer...show me how that would go' whispered Ianto quietly his heart beating erratically unable to believe what he had just asked.
Jack watched him for a moment wondering if Ianto really wanted this after all he had said tonight. He saw nothing but interest and decided to take a chance.
'Well it would not start with yelling and aggression' he said softly moving to hold Ianto's hand in his own.
He shifted slightly to close some of the distance between them and moved to bring his own lips nearer to Ianto's.
'It would have started something more like this' Jack stated pressing his lips gently to Ianto's and pulling away again.
When Ianto did not move Jack pushed forward to kiss him again, brushing his lips several times before pressing more firmly and eliciting a response from the other man. The kissing remained gentle and undemanding and eventually Jack moved to press kisses to Ianto's neck and up to his ear before returning his attention to his mouth.
Ianto gasped slightly and moved quickly backwards on the sofa.
'Oh' he said in obvious confusion and moving to cover what was a very prominent erection with his hands. He looked down as if ashamed of his body's reaction.
'Don't be concerned Ianto...it was kind of the reaction I wanted' said Jack quietly.
'But not the one I was expecting' explained Ianto 'I'm sorry Jack...I'll see you tomorrow' and with that Ianto stood and swiftly left the hub.
TWTWTW
Ianto was still recovering from the confusion his attraction to Jack had caused him when the team left for the Brecon Beacons. Jack had thought this an ideal opportunity to introduce Ianto to field work. It should have been an investigative mission only, a chance for Ianto to work with the team outside of the hub without any real danger from aliens.
Jack should have known the worst danger always comes from humans.
The mission turned into a disaster of epic proportions. What Jack had thought would be a trip to the countryside to investigate probably exaggerated disappearances of people in an area of the Brecon Beacons, had turned into the camping trip from hell.
Owen had taken Gwen home and Jack had dropped Toshiko off at her house before taking Ianto to his. They were now parked outside Ianto's home and sitting in silence. Neither man knew what to say to the other. There really was nothing to say, what could be said to possibly make this better?
Ianto made a decision and turned to leave the SUV without speaking to his boss. Jack followed. Ianto opened his front door and entered without switching on lights, he knew Jack was trailing him but made no acknowledgment of the fact.
He moved towards his bedroom and began to strip his battered and bloodied clothes from his bruised body. He threw his jeans and hoodie to the floor determined to bin them and save himself the memories each time he wore them. Jack leant against his bedroom door and allowed himself to smile at the sight of the Welshman getting naked before his eyes.
Jack started towards Ianto as the other man winced as he removed his t-shirt. His ribs were obviously hurting and Jack had pain relief cadged from Owen before the medic had taken Gwen home. Ianto noticed his boss take steps towards him and immediately adopted a defensive stance. Jack held his hands in the air submissively.
'I have some pain killers Ianto' he said softly.
Ianto relaxed slightly.
'Oh' he said.
Jack stepped over towards Ianto and placed the pills on his bedside table and retreated again. Ianto took the tablets and swallowed them down without a drink and continued undressing. Once he was down to underwear he strode into his bathroom and started the shower.
Whilst he showered Jack found a bin bag and dumped all of Ianto's clothes into it, guessing that the younger man never intended to wear them again. Then he sat on the edge of Ianto's bed and just waited.
Ianto emerged from the bathroom and stopped short when he found Jack still present. Jack quickly stood up not wanting to be seen trying to make himself welcome. Ianto quickly mastered his expression, placing his mask of indifference firmly back in place.
'You're still here' he stated.
'Yes' answered Jack 'I wanted to make sure you were ok'
Ianto looked at him.
'I've just been tenderised by cannibals intending to kill and eat me...seen my teammates in the same danger...witnessed bodies in various states of dismemberment...I think it's safe to say that no, I am not ok' said Ianto drily.
Jack hung his head.
'I'm sorry' he whispered.
'Yeah...pretty stupid thing to say' smiled Ianto.
'No...I mean I'm sorry for taking you out there...I should have left you at the hub' said Jack.
'Why?' asked Ianto 'when I came back after...when I came back.. you said I should become more a part of the team...go out in the field and on missions, I knew it would be dangerous Jack' he sighed.
'Yeah' agreed Jack 'but I thought this mission would be a lot simpler than it was...I'm sorry you had to see those things...and I'm proud of how you tried to protect Tosh' he added.
'She told you?' asked Ianto and Jack nodded.
Ianto continued to dry himself and winced as he tried to reach behind to do his back. His ribs were still very tender and twisting was not easy. Jack stepped forward and indicated the towel.
'Let me?' he asked.
Ianto thought for a moment and then gave the towel to Jack and turned around to present his back. Jack gently rubbed the moisture from his skin from his shoulder blades to his hips where a second towel was wrapped around the other man. Ianto shivered under the gentle touch after so much pain. He gradually turned back to face his captain and the two looked into each other's eyes.
Slowly Jack leant forward and brushed his lips against Ianto's. Ianto responded and they kissed softly for a few moments until Ianto pulled away.
'I'll be ok now Jack...you don't have to stay' he said.
'But I could' said Jack 'I know you don't need me...but maybe I could still help...just be here for comfort?' he asked.
Ianto looked at him and felt the pull of reassurance that the captain was offering. Today had been a horrific experience and he badly wanted arms to hold him, to keep the nightmares at bay. He wanted someone to offer softness where previously there had been pain, friendship where there had been anger and hatred.
Ianto closed his eyes and felt a tear squeeze out the side of them. What he wanted was Lisa. He wanted Lisa's care, he wanted her friendship and love, he wanted her arms to hold him and her body to lose himself in.
He opened his eyes and looked at Jack. He desired this man and was constantly amazed by that. He wanted to fuck him hard, touch every part of his body and use it to sate his lust. But he did not want comfort from him. He wanted his Lisa for that.
The only way he could make sense of his desire for Jack was to separate love from lust. He might want Jack physically but that was just an animal desire and probably forged by Jack's pheromones, his higher functioning human mind wanted the love and companionship offered by a relationship not a quick fuck.
The two things were very separate in his mind, Lisa was for love and comfort and Jack was for anger and lust. He thought if he didn't keep the two separate he risked losing something of his relationship with Lisa and even losing something of himself.
He pushed Jack away from himself harshly.
'That's not what I want you for Harkness' he spat 'my body might want you but don't fool yourself into thinking I need you for anything other than that...I had someone to love and Torchwood took them from me, you can't fix that'
Ianto felt sad that he could only keep from accepting the captain's comfort by turning to anger and pushing the man away abruptly. He no longer blamed Jack for Lisa's death, he blamed Torchwood but he had to use the anger to keep the distance that was his only protection between himself and the captain He quickly pulled on some pyjama trousers and threw himself into the bed.
'I'll see you tomorrow Jack' he said firmly leaving the captain under no illusion that he was expected to leave.
Jack felt saddened by the rejection but understood the need for more time.
'Sleep well Ianto' he whispered softly as he left the room.
TWTWTW
tbc
