A SEQUENCE OF ALTERNATIVE EVENTS

BOOK THE FIRST: WHO'S THE HALF-BLOOD NOW?

By MYRTLE THE TYRTLE

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A/N: Welcome, reader, to a SEQUENCE OF ALTERNATIVE EVENTS. This is set in the Harry Potter Universe, but twisted horribly out of proportion so that whatever my good friend JKR has written becomes totally and utterly dismal. Heroes turn to villains in this first book miserably entitled 'WHO'S THE HALF BLOOD NOW?'. Read, enjoy and review.

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CHAPTER ONE: THE OTHER MINISTER

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It was nearing midnight and the newly promoted Prime Minister was sitting alone in his office, contemplating his newfound success. He certainly hadn't expected his predecessor to drop down dead in the middle of a press conference (what was that green flash of light?), and he certainly hadn't expected to be made the PM the next day.

And now for something even more surprising than those two events put together: a small portrait of a froglike little man wearing a long silver wig just coughed. "No, that can't be right…" the PM tried to reassure himself. But then the painting coughed again, a little louder.

"I must be madder than Herbert Chorley!" he exclaimed, and the portrait began to speak.

"To the Prime Minister of Muggles. Urgent we meet. Kindly respond immediately. Fudge."

"What the…"

"Hang on, you're a new chappie. Would you like a visitor?"

"Um…"

"Splendid. Come on, through, gents."

The Prime Minister was lost for words, as if by magic, the fire in the fireplace turned green and two men stepped through. One was portly, wearing a long pinstriped cloak and a lime green bowler hat; the other was taller, with looks rather like an old lion. He walked with a limp and wore a pair of wire-frame spectacles.

It was he who spoke first. "Good evening, minister. How are we today?"

"Er, I… who are you and what are you doing in my office!?!"

The man with the hat looked questioningly at the portrait in the corner. "He's a new chappie, Fudge."

"Oh, I see. Well there was no need for me to come here then. He hardly needs to know me now." Scowling at the lion-man, he left the way he had come a few short minutes earlier.

There was an awkward silence as Fudge disappeared. It was soon broken by the other new arrival.

"Good evening, Prime Minister of Muggles. My name is Rufus Scrimgeour, and I am a wizard."

"A what?"

"Wizard. But please don't interrupt me. I have some grave news to tell you."

"Grave news? You're telling me grave news! I've got my hands full here trying to pick up where old what's-'is-face left off! How bloody unfair for him to die and me be left with all the bridges and hurricanes and murders! So go find some other sucker to trick into thinking you're some kind of crackpot old fool who can do magic. Coz this one's busy. Now get out of my office before I call the police!"

The wizard sighed. "I did warn you not to interrupt." He pulled a long wooden stick out of his pocket and waved it in the air. In an instant, the Prime Minister's desk had turned into a pig. It grunted loudly and ran out of the room.

"Are you doubting I'm a wizard now, Mr Minister?" The Muggle was too shocked to reply, so Scrimgeour continued. "A brief history of wizards: over 1000 years ago we were feared by your non-magic race, the Muggles. We went into hiding, but every so often the two worlds collide. For example, in 1945 the Dark Lord Grindelwald was terrorizing our world at the same time Hitler was warring in yours. And more recently, evil wizards have been causing death and destruction in your world because we would not comply with their sinister demands."

"Death and de-"

"Yes. The bridge, the hurricane, the murders. All done by Lord -- You-Know-You and his followers, because I wouldn't step aside-"

"So it's your fault all my people have died!"

"Yes I'm afraid it is. But we're doing all we can to stop them."

"But for heaven's sake – you're wizards! You can do magic! Surely you can sort out – well – anything!"

Scrimgeour moved up to the fireplace, and the flames turned green. "The trouble is, the other side can do magic too, Prime Minister."

And with that, he stepped through and disappeared.