To my good readers: Thank you for everything! This chapter (and maybe another one of this same story) will be my last complete chapter offering(s) before I go on hiatus for a looong time. Wishing everyone a truly Happy Christmas & Wondrous New Year! :D
Warnings: Crack, parody/spoof, AU (sorta), OCs (sorta), OOC-ness (deliberate), per chapter POV switches, yaoi/shounen-ai/BL, smut, fluff, lots of smex (later), a pinch of angst, steamy-sexy bishie aliens, hermaphrodites, demons/djinni, and BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL! Only mature & open-minded audiences please, because this is pure insanity in the guise of distinguished prose. X-overs later with The Bartimaeus Trilogy & possible others. (Will most likely be beta'd again later. Need to give my brain a rest in between proof-readings. XI)
Disclaimer: Dragon Ball/Z/GT/Xenoverse/Super/etc. belong to their respective owners. Dragon Ball Retro, however, is my derivative brainchild, created for my personal pleasure & sublimation. I own nothing except this derivative fanwork which I do not profit from.
Story #44:
"Desperate Times Call For Pornography"
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Act 1
The Offer
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IT WAS AN INNOCENT ENOUGH POST that unremarkable Monday morning, that he didn't suspect it at all of being the life-changing thing it actually promised to be.
The A4-sized priority mail envelope was heavy and lavishly emblazoned with striking gilded leaf patterns and letters. It effortlessly stood out from the rest of his usual morning waist-high pile of cloyingly scented, pink-enveloped fan mail in its aura of pre-eminence. He's held enough of them in his lifetime to know what it was, and his hunch proved correct:
It was a film script.
A preview sample of a project that is yet to be titled. It was almost an inch thick, complete with character and plot backgrounds, and references. Attached was a letter briefly explaining the proposal, and informing him that a handsome sum had already been deposited into his account as his "professional fee" for simply "considering" and not flat out rejecting the offer within two weeks of his receipt of it. It further stated that should he decide to accept within that time frame, the amount will be tripled as his talent fee. All of this was conveniently signed:
The Xs.
It was odd and rather theatrical for a job offer. But despite the circumstances surrounding it, truth be told, he couldn't've cared less at the moment if the proposition had come from the devil himself.
Receiving such an offer at a time when he was at the end of his rope- up to his neck in debts and due payments, was nothing short of a miracle. True, the ridiculously exorbitant amount being offered made him feel that there was a catch. There was always a catch. And even if there wasn't any right away, being in this line of business long enough taught him that not having a catch is in itself most likely the biggest catch of all.
Of course, the possibility that this was all just some weird hoax or very elaborate prank did not escape his mind either; it wouldn't be the first time.
(A quick check of his bank balance, however, confirmed that the money had indeed been deposited into his account- eliminating the two aforementioned scenarios.)(Which forced him to reassess the situation in an entirely new light…)
Maybe this wasn't as eerily auspicious as his tired brain was making it out to be. True, he was slowly sinking into the "washed-up one-hit wonder" depression, but despite what his critics may say, he was still- one of the best 'washed up one hit wonder's to ever grace the big screen. It wasn't every day an actor got to reprise a role in all instances for an extremely popular franchise that ran for over 10 original seasons, 3 reboot seasons, 1 spin-off series, produced 20 movies, inspired countless video games and merchandise, and continued to garner zillions upon zillions of zennies every year without fail. Which kind of made him practically a living legend.
To this day, he still got fan mail from parts of the galaxy that he didn't even know existed (and that's saying a lot since he did know most of the galaxy quite well). To this day, going out in public places without hiding his true identity would expose him to either of two dire consequences -or both: Getting mobbed to death by die-hard Mary-Sue fans -which was a fairly common occurrence back in the days when they still toured often and held special events wherein they had to make personal appearances and perform onstage and such.
(Once, he was nearly successfully abducted by a horde of Videl-lookalikes from a group called the Videl Satan Allegiance; later confirmed to be a secret guild of mentally unstable fans who believed they were real life reincarnations of the said fictional character and destined to be married to him. To this day, the trauma of the having more than a dozen weird looking Videls in funny shapes and sizes grabbing and staring at him hungrily as he lay bound and gagged in the back of a props van still gave him nightmares. Like a badly directed low-budget *X-Filed episode.)
The second consequence was imprisonment for breach of contract. Up until the present, he wasn't allowed to disclose any aspect of his personal life to the masses -like what coffee shop he frequents or where he buys his favourite toothpaste- nor is he allowed to be romantically involved (or at the very least, be caught in public) with anyone or anything outside the demands of his binding agreement with his agency. At times it was hard to believe that they were no more than decorated slaves of the entertainment industry, but since he loved his job, he just chose to think of it as "professionalism".
(If you are still wondering at this point in the story who our lead actor is, then you have either been living under a rock for the past three decades or- are simply from another alternate dimension…)
Because in his younger years, the very attractive and once most sought after Bastion Gorhan Gyurie –or simply 'Bastion' to his friends- was- and will forever be known to the world, as the one and only Son Gohan Jr. (which surely you already know is one of the main protagonists) from the iconic hyper-fighting action TV sensation entitled: *"The Dragon's Ballz".
Not that he's outgrown the part; far from it. He's still more than eligible to play the role; with his youthful appearance hardly having waned at all. In fact, he could still effortlessly pull off teenage roles (his alien genes partly to thank for his decelerated ageing). Even in actual Earth years, he wasn't really that old at all. Tragically, though, actors nowadays who have stepped into their thirties mark, were considered antiquated. Especially with the constant influx of newer, and younger budding stars, who despite their lack of actual substance and talent, were preferred by the equally short-sighted (money-whoring) producers over a seasoned veteran like him.
He took this turning point in his career as gracefully as any true professional actor could; but deep inside his pride as one took quite a harsh blow. Bastion was a modest person, but that didn't mean that he was unaware of his worth; having worked honestly to secure every keystone and linchpin of his career without a trace of the blatant obsequiousness that was so rampant in the showbiz industry. He was very proud of that fact- of how he had reached the pinnacle of success by way of pure skill, hard work, and mastery of his craft alone. No other actor- no matter how "young" or good-looking- could match up to his outstanding repertoire…
A perpetually youthful robust build was consistently one of his strongest selling points that crushed his rival's ambitions and brought fans and detractors alike to their knees. Most actors bulked up to simply "look good" on camera, but his godlike physique served a purpose. He was actually also very strong and athletic (his alien genes, again, having a hand in his herculean strength); further honed by martial arts, which greatly prevailed all throughout his life. He already knew how to fight honourably even before he could utter his first three-syllable word. He did all of his fighting scenes and stunts with a passion, whereas some of his co-stars had stunt doubles to do all the sweating while they busied themselves admiring their own reflection or having their stylists fuss about a hair out of place.
And his natural physical endowments didn't end there. He certainly didn't come up short in the looks department either.
Where his rivals practically went bankrupt trying to compose an appealing façade on camera with countless beauty regimens and ridiculously overpriced anti-ageing cosmetics, Bastion Gyurie was born with the face of an Adonis. His naturally rosy cheeks against his overall healthy sunkissed complexion hardly required any makeup or maintenance. The healthy mane of chestnut brown on his head was the unending scourge and envy of his rivals. Where some of his co-stars had to endure horrendous hours of hair styling and layers of greasepaint application for each shoot, the only thing he had to do was dye his hair coal-black, style it in the teen Son Gohan Jr.'s signature spiky fashion, wear contact lenses to darken his irises; put on his costume, and he was good to go! His face merely gets a daubing and puffing every retouch to remove perspiration, but other than that, everything was au naturel; from his sweet bright baby-brown to naturally vibrant earth-green orbs, to his perfectly angled button nose, to his shiny apple-red lips and boyishly innocent, knee-melting killer smile.
Several years ago, during a live interview in a popular talk show, he was probed for the secret behind his good looks and brimming youthful aura…
"I think what we define as 'beauty' is really a reflection of one's happiness. And for me, like most things, it's a fairly relative concept; there really are no set standards for individual happiness, and it can't be faked."
"So, you are saying, that Bastion Gorhan Gyurie's secret is that he is always happy." The host looks at the audiences with an expression of awe, which was complemented by hearty applause. "Well then, I am definitely buying that!"
Bastion chuckles softly, a shy ghost of a blush on his cheeks. Collective laughter, sighs, and swoons float up from the live audiences.
"Did you hear that, ladies? …And gentlemen." Laughter followed perfectly on cue. "In that case, the real question here should be: 'what is the secret behind Bastion Gyurie's happiness'? Or should I say, 'who'? See, now we're definitely getting somewhere." More genial laughter.
Bastion good-naturedly face-palms, but the colour on his cheeks were visibly brighter this time. "Well, *Operah-san I'm not quite sure of the answer to that myself… All I know is that the smile you always see on my face has never been an act."
(Ironically, it was that controversial interview that had won him numerous endorsement deals for vanity and anti-ageing products claiming to only "aid" in 'enhancing one's natural beauty' apart from being 'all natural and organic'. And for a time, taglines like, "Wear only authentic happy.", "Apply the smiles liberally." and "Wear Bastion's face. Smile included, for only 5,000 zennies a bottle!" were all over billboards and television screens, with Bastion's princely face as their figurehead.)
Being a couple of centimetres over six feet didn't hurt his curriculum vitae either. The actor who played his father in The Dragon's Ballz was short by a centimetre of six and actually had to wear elevator shoes just to avoid being dwarfed by him. And to top it all off as 'the icing on his cake' so to speak: he was exceedingly smart, with an I.Q. level that rivalled Einstein's and Tesla's. In fact, that was one of the biggest reasons he was chosen -even when he was just a toddler- to play the role of the monkey warrior's scholarly son. He was so perfect in every aspect in fact, that there were speculations that the real reason they slowly muted down Son Gohan Jr.'s role in the show was that they could no longer afford the rate of his services. Rumours had it that even Chase Kozawa (the actor who played Son Goku), had a relatively lower talent fee because if not for his charisma, he was just an ordinary Earthling from the West, without any alien powers; compared to Bastion and other actors like Vinztche Dorian who had real Saiyajin blood.
Further testament to his good looks was reinforced when he was recurrently featured in front covers of several controversial magazines in the height of their two decades of unbroken success. He was dubbed as one of the "most alluring faces of 'The Dragon's Ballz' cast" alongside Trevor Loref and Liam Sotea Jr. (not counting the actresses of the show, who were all notable bombshell models and sexy stars; featured too and rumoured to have crushed on him at some point).
Sadly, all of that, however, was now fast becoming lost in history. Eight years ago, the show's new producers have decided to move on to the next generation of The Dragon's Ballz characters, feeling that making Son Gohan Jr. the main protagonist in the show's seventh season instalment was a "wrong move" because he didn't bring about as much glory to the franchise as Son Goku did. (And by "glory" here, we mean 'money'.) Of course, they were sure to pin the blame on Bastion, as an actor. Completely altering his character's established personality and attempting to turn him into a Son Goku replica had nothing to do with the drop in ratings at all, no way. So they needed a rabbit-out-of-a-hat twist in the story to ease Son Gohan Jr. out of the spotlight; which in the tradition of cliché sell-out plot devices, was either to kill him off or have him marry off.
Hence, the shotgun wedding and sudden normalisation into a life of dull domesticity and non-violence complete with the hard-sell cutesy daughter who predictably grows up as a nagging brat who takes over as the lead protagonist in the next instalment of a poorly disguised reboot of the series; fading Son Gohan Jr. into the background like all the other non-Son Goku characters of the show, to be blatantly ignored by the newer and more dilettantish fans, and (hopefully) finally forgotten. And so far, it seemed as though their master (and direly platitudinous) plan was working too.
Son Gohan Jr. fans felt betrayed by the character's retirement. Some of them would have preferred a hero's death over the marriage. While Son Goku fans rejoiced in the continued monotony, Bastion Gyurie's career nosedived, and in the years that followed, the brilliant –but unfortunately, typecast- actor, had somehow eluded the radar of big producers. After almost ten years, he was practically derelict, living off of his dwindling savings, and declining royalties; backed into a corner because he wasn't even allowed to get a job outside of his contract which was still in full effect. Having managed to amass a modest fortune (enough to buy a house and make some humble investments) was something he was forever grateful for, but now it seemed that that very thing which made him was going to be the very thing that would break him. Pushed aside and tucked into the shadows, he couldn't help the feelings of bitterness growing in his chest, mixed with an occasional stab of nostalgic melancholy for "the good old days" when he was hot and fresh and insanely sought after.
Which brings us back to where we left off: "the offer". An offer which was much too fortuitous and opportune a coincidence for him to feign disinterest in. It was all about his needs now, and not his wants. So down in the dumps was he in fact, that even his pride had remained silent for the most part of his journey on foot to the very mysterious location specified in the letter the next day- which was unusual for someone like him who was usually very conservative about the roles he accepted.
Desperate times called for desperate measures.
He could definitely relate to it now that he was experiencing it first-hand. Perhaps this was the answer to his financial woes; the break that he had been praying for? It didn't matter if he was being asked by a very amorphously named "private party" to do what he normally considered outside of his comfort zone- and even rather "indecent" (as he used to tease his older sister Klarion when she accepted her first "daring" movie role), he was an actor after all. This might as well be a challenge from the gods. A sign, that maybe it was time to expand his horizons and delve into a more mature and daring side of his craft. He wasn't going to back out just because his feet were getting cold.
With clammy palms, he pulls out the letter from his coat pocket one more time, and scans the portion with the specific instructions about his "meeting"; more to buy him time to regroup than anything:
We have prearranged a meeting with your prospective partner, as we know that you are both very particular with your co-actors, and foresaw this point of concern as the only possible reason for you to refuse our gracious offer. We do understand, and we would like for our two main actors to be as comfortable as possible because this project's success rests heavily on your chemistry. We are very excited to begin making beautiful art with you!
Sincerely yours,
The Xs
He gives the directions at the bottom another glance for good measure, then stops to take a deep calming breath before rounding the final corner which would take him to the park where the meeting spot should be. Okay, Bastion. Yesterday you were a has-been. Today, your new life begins as a, err- a 'pornographic actor'? in a… homoerotic underground film. He has recited this mantra all morning as he woke up, showered, and dressed. It felt like the more he said it, the more his anxiety went down a smidgeon, so he kept at it every step of the way. But now, as he got closer and closer to discovering who he was going to be paired with, he felt the anxiety shoot up and seize him all over again.
A hollow, breathy laugh escapes his lips, and he takes another long calculated breath to calm his quivering muscles. Finally, he tightens his collar and resumes his careful but sure strides towards the park entrance; his mind racing. Who among the hundreds of possible candidates could have been cast as his co-star? Only minutes away from the answer, and he was bursting with nerves.
Since the letter mentioned 'chemistry' it was most likely someone he had already worked with. But apart from The Dragon's Ballz, no other noteworthy projects come to mind… except his guesting as Gabriel Drake for the seventh season of the sensational occult series, *"The Devil Knows My Name" (which he was a big fan of), where he played the maniacal genius older brother of the anti-hero protagonist Nathaniel Drake. He had a blast working with the amazing tandem of Julien Murcrowe and Bartholomew Hughs before his stint for the show ended after his character was killed by the djinni Bartimaeus in the show's eleventh season. But then both those actors and most of his co-actors in The Dragon's Ballz have had no qualms about doing sexual films, and in fact, already have one to several erotic titles neatly filed in their filmography. Only he and Correm Yumin have steered clear of it thus far, so he could be paired off with any of them, and it was no use trying to guess who it might be anymore.
No matter how he kept telling himself that it wasn't important who he had to make his debut into the wonderful world of homoerotic films with, his brain would not be convinced. It wasn't the role or even what was expected of him that he was so antsy about. The truth is, he has always been somewhat of a high-level introvert (the kind who leaned towards being recluse), and he was always secretly fastidious about the people he worked with. It was his maxim to always expect the best but be prepared for the worst. And in this case, the "worst" would be one of those mainstream gay ikemen types who were the screaming craze nowadays, especially in shoujo sitcoms. The image of bone-skinny, artificially feminine looking "men" twerking and gyrating their hazardously bony hips onstage was something he had always found perturbing to a deeply psychological degree; that his being flooded with sheer dread at the prospect of being made to lie naked with one of them, more so perform anything more intimate, even for art's sake. His delicate introverted sensibilities were at the moment, clashing spectacularly with his professional pride. (Though he was grounded enough to acknowledge that it was their kind that raked in the dough these days, thus increasing the odds in his disfavour. But still…)
Oh gods, please, anyone but them…
He shook his head to dispel the disturbing images and steeled his nerves, reminding himself of his current financial predicament to fuel his resolve. Then, endeavouring to swallow the ballooning squeamishness in his throat that threatened to hijack his legs and make him run in the opposite direction as fast as he could, he forced his heel to finally ascend the stone steps leading to the designated spot.
So as he found his world abruptly moving out of the wholesome genre and into the more unexplored realms of adult films, he was about to determine just what the genre of his life's new undertaking will be… A comedy? A romance? A suspense thriller? Or maybe, just plain horror…?
The seconds to the final verdict counted down in heart-stopping slow motion…
End of Act 1.
Continued in Act 1.5: Nostalgic Intermission…
Notes:
All marked with (*)s are spoofed/parodied names.
(06/23/2016 - 10/06/2016)
Original post: MariekoWest {AO3}
My Hetalia fics: LM_Artless {AO3} / lovemeartless {FFnet} / frukdilection {dA}
