Droppin' An N, Cause It's Louder Than A Bomb
By Holden McNeil and Banky Edwards
FADE IN
EXT. The Block Of Stores: Quick Stop Groceries/RST Video-Night
Things seem peaceful…at first. People are going in and out, leaving the video store with some hardcore porn or a copy of Happy Scrappy Hero Pup, or else are leaving the convenience store with a fresh cup of stale coffee or a new pack of smokes. All the while, JAY and SILENT BOB are trying to sell weed to dudes or trying to get chicks to bang them. As one particularly fetching young lady walks by…
JAY
Yo, slut! I'm a freak unleashed! A dog without warning! An appetite for sex! Cause me so horny! Neh. What the fuck gives, Silent Bob? Bitches don't put out for the nasty shit any more.
As another girl walks by…
JAY
Maybe they go for the street knowledge. I'm a motherfucker that's built to last, if you fuck with me, I'll put a foot in your ass! Snoogans! I'll put my cock in your pink and your lady brown, baby! I'm all about the brown!
Above the Block Of Stores, a strange storm begins to brew. Think the "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K" scene in Bill and Ted. From a giant blast of light appears ETRIGAN THE DEMON.
JAY
I think that shit just kicked in, Silent Bob.
ETRIGAN
To avoid if you will a great disaster, show me, sirs, to your lord and master.
JAY
Yo, you yellow motherfucker, my only lord and master is these NUTS, dingle berry!
Silent Bob taps Jay on the shoulder and points to the Quick Stop door.
JAY
Oh, yeah. You probably wanna talk to Dante. Real morose motherfucker, works inside. Acts like someone shit in his cereal all the fucking time.
ETRIGAN
Thank you, sir, you've been quite cordial to I, your beloved damned immortal.
Etrigan walks into the store.
JAY
Yo, Silent Bob, what the fuck is that motherfucker, fucking Leprechaun In The Hood or some shit?
INT. Quick Stop
Dante is at the counter, bored, reading a paper, as Etrigan bursts in.
ETRIGAN
Are you Dante?
DANTE
Yeah?
ETRIGAN
Quite the irony, wouldn't you know, to battle the writer of The Inferno.
DANTE
Oh, um, no, I'm not the poet Dante…
RANDAL comes bursting in.
RANDAL
Hey, Dante, did you see that- what the fuck is that thing???
ETRIGAN
I am the demon Etrigan!
RANDAL
Okay, look, you goofy Slipknot-looking motherfucker, Lalapalooza isn't for a couple of months, I'm pretty goddamned sure we ain't selling tickets.
ETRIGAN
Do you mock me sir?
RANDAL
Look, fuck this!
Randal picks up a mop and breaks it in half.
RANDAL
You wanna fuck with the kid, you Lisa Simpson-looking motherfucker? Come get some!
Etrigan shoots fire out of his finger, burning the 99 cent rack.
RANDAL
Oh, fuck that! Listen, asshole, I could be balls deep in the stink hole of some barely legal skank right now, listening to her beg me to let her lick the shit off my giant porch monkey cock-yeah, I know what the fuck it means, no one can hear me. I don't need some goofy son of bitch out of The Frighteners, which was the last decent flick Peter Jackson made, by the way, to come in here and fuck up my day!
DANTE
Randal, I don't think you wanna piss this guy off!
Suddenly, AZRAEL enters.
AZRAEL
I think I can take it from here, gents. Thank you for your assistance, Etrigan. You may return to the Eternal Pit now.
Etrigan disappears in a cloud of smoke.
RANDAL
Now who the fuck is this guy?
AZRAEL
I'm a fucking demon!
RANDAL
You're a demon, that guy was a demon! What is this? Am I living in a Gorillaz album here? AZRAEL
Cute. Another pop culture reference. But now is not the time for your adorable shenanigans, video story jockey, for the Day Of Reckoning is at hand.
DANTE
What are you talking about? Seriously, who are you?
AZRAEL
I am Azrael. And I'm here to warn you that worlds are colliding. No, not like the fucking Seinfeld episode. I know this because I am the one who walks in both worlds. In one, I was the twin of the muse Serendipity. That's your world. Elsewhere, I was once the Dark Knight. I came to you in this form as I felt it would be more comforting to you. Yes, Randal, this is some Contact type shit.
RANDAL
Come to think of it, you do look a lot like my cousin Brodie.
DANTE
Wait, I don't get it. Worlds are colliding? What the fuck does that mean?
AZRAEL
Do you gents happen to know a fellow by the name of Walter Flanagan?
RANDAL
Yeah, he and Steve-Dave run the comic book shop across town.
DANTE
Didn't they get their window broken?
RANDAL
Yeah, by those two really badass comic artists.
AZRAEL
Yes. That's the chap. What you may not know is, he comes from my world. He was the brother of Otis Flannagan, a villain known as the Ratcatcher. Walt decided he'd had enough of living in a world of superheroes and villains, so he dropped an N from his name and moved into your world to sell comic books instead.
DANTE
How could he do that?
AZRAEL
Don't you read the funny papers, you van dyke-having silly son of a bitch? We can travel across worlds at will. However, Otis is pissed off now and has entered your world, and I'm afraid that will open the floodgate for all the evil members of my world. That's why I sent Etrigan, to try to send the message that shit is pretty fucking serious.
DANTE
Why here?
AZRAEL
It is my understanding that your world has superheroes of its own. And while they may be in a haze of pot smoke 24/7, they do come through on occasion.
As if on cue, SOLOMON GRUNDY comes bursting through the roof!
SOLOMON GRUNDY
Born on a Monday!
RANDAL
What the fuck is King Kong doing here?
JAY (OS)
Getting his asshole handed to him, cock licker! Snoochie bootchies!
With triumphant fanfare, BLUNTMAN and CHRONIC leap in through the hole that Solomon Grundy put in the roof.
SOLOMON GRUNDY
Grundy need back up!
BIZARRO flies in.
BIZARRO
Good-bye!
CHRONIC
Goodbye is right. Hanta la vista, you crack rock-looking motherfucker!
AZRAEL
That's actually how he says hello.
Solomon Grundy and Bizarro each grab and end of Chronic and pull him apart.
DANTE
Oh, my god! They killed Chronic!
RANDAL
You bastards!
BLUNTMAN
Fuck! There were a lot of awesome sidekicks in the world. But they don't light the bong for you. Most of them just cheat on you.
Bluntman exits, brokenhearted.
AZRAEL
This isn't over!
Superman comes flying in and knocks Solomon Grundy and Bizarro into the back wall with his heat vision, knocking over a Milk Maid and a school guidance counselor.
RANDAL
Are you fucking Superman?
SUPERMAN
No, Lois Lane is fucking Superman. I am Superman.
DANTE
Holy shit.
SUPERMAN
Azrael. Have you warned the mortals of the other realm of the coming threats?
AZRAEL
I think your buddies did a pretty fair job of that just now.
EXT. Leonardo Streets-Night
Bluntman wanders, sad, looking at the ground. Soon, RED ROBIN approaches on a motorcycle.
RED ROBIN
Are you…Bluntman?
Bluntman nods.
RED ROBIN
Pleased to meet you. My name is Tim Drake. I was once known as Robin. Then, after the death of the Batman, I became known as Red Robin. But I can't wander the earth forever like Kane in Kung Fu. Let me align with you. Let me become…Red Chronic.
Bluntman smiles.
EXT. Quick Stop-Day
Tim Drake is now dressed in a ski cap, metal band t-shirt and torn genes. Silent Bob is back to normal. WONDER WOMAN approaches.
TIM DRAKE
Hey, baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?
Wonder Woman picks Tim Drake up and slams him against a wall.
WONDER WOMAN
Listen, you little prick, I take a lot of shit being a woman in this business…
TIM DRAKE
Whoa, Diana, calm down, it's me!
WONDER WOMAN
Tim? What the hell are you doing here? Dressed like that?
TIM DRAKE
I'm…lost, Diana. I needed someone to team up with now that Bruce is gone.
Wonder Woman looks to Silent Bob.
WONDER WOMAN
Is this…Bluntman?
SILENT BOB
Word.
TIM DRAKE
And I'm taking on the role of Red Chronic
CHARLES BARKLEY
And I'm Charles Barkley!
TIM DRAKE
This is my first day and even I know you need to get the fuck on out of here!
SILENT BOB
You be careful, he's gonna try and do a Science Says segment if you don't watch out.
CHARLES BARKLEY
That's cold, Silent Bob.
Charles Barkley walks off.
WONDER WOMAN
Tim, we are unfamiliar with this world. It has its own set of threats.
TIM DRAKE
Far as I can tell, the only threats around here are guys trying to get in girls' pants.
Rick Derris approaches.
RICK DERRIS
Hey, baby. I'm digging the Wonder Woman get up.
WONDER WOMAN
Get up? I am Wonder Woman, jerk.
RICK DERRIS
Alright, alright, you can play a little crazy.
WONDER WOMAN
Who the hell are you?
RICK DERRIS
Name's Rick Derris. Great seducer of other guys' girlfriends. I also work as a personal trainer and own a line of buses.
WONDER WOMAN
Thrilling. Do you have any powers?
RICK DERRIS
I can make a bitch cum with the flick of my tongue.
WONDER WOMAN
Thrilling. Hey, Black Canary?
BLACK CANARY approaches.
BLACK CANARY
Yeah?
WONDER WOMANYou wanna take care of this guy?
RICK DERRIS
Alright, three-way.
BLACK CANARY
Yeah, three-way. Your two balls and my one foot.
She round house kicks him in the crotch. He doubles over in pain.
EXT. Steve-Dave And Walt's Secret Stash-DAY
Walt Flanagan's Dog is tied up outside. Suddenly, the Ratcatcher appears!
RATCATCHER
So, you're my brother's new dog, eh? Man, you do look like a rat.
He undoes the ropes and picks up the dog. From inside, Walt notices the disturbance and runs outside.
WALT
Hey, what the hell? Oh my god. Otis?
RATCATCHER
Hello, brother.
WALT
I thought you were killed at the beginning of Infinite Crisis!
RATCATCHER
Silly Walt. Always believing what you read in the funny papers.
WALT
Hey, I used to live in the funny papers.
RATCATCHER
Details, details. You need to come home, brother.
WALT
Why?
RATCATCHER
Because if you don't, the door will stay open forever.
The Riddler approaches.
WALT
Oh my god, Nigma.
RIDDLER
Riddle me this, Walt Flanagan. Or should I call you Walt Flannagan? No matter. Riddle me this. In the middle of a four-way intersection is a crisp one hundred dollar bill. On one corner stands a man-friendly, no agenda, lesbian. On the opposite corner stands a man-hating, agenda of rage dyke. On the third is Santa Claus. On the fourth is the Easter Bunny. Who gets the hundred dollars?
WALT
The man-hating dyke?
RIDDLER
Correct. Why?
WALT
I don't know.
RIDDLER
Cause the other three are figments of your imagination!
Steve-Dave runs outside.
STEVE-DAVE
Hey, Costume Day isn't for another month!
WALT
Steve-Dave…this time I have something to tell you.
RATCATCHER
Man, that was an obscure reference, only really hardcore fans are gonna get that one!
STEVE-DAVE
What is it?
WALT
This isn't someone dressed as the Ratcatcher. Or the Riddler. These are the real deal. I…used to live in the DC Multiverse. I left to try to escape my past. But I know now you can't. We may be through with the past. But the past isn't through with us.
STEVE-DAVE
Did you just fucking quote magnolia?
RATCATCHER
Not the issue.
STEVE-DAVE
Oh, but I think it is. You can't follow a masterpiece like Boogie Nights with some whiny six hour sob story about completely unconvincing characters, then distract everyone with a rain of fucking frogs.
RIDDLER
Did you really think this was better, Walt? Leaving a land of magic? Of heroes and villains for a world of constant pop culture references?
WALT
I guess my whole life is a riddle. But…I'm ready to go home.
RATCATCHER
Are you sure?
WALT
Yes.
The Riddler turns to a small boy standing there. He is BILLY BATSON.
RATCATCHER
Billy. Take us home.
BILLY BATSON
SHAZAM!!!!
He becomes Captain Marvel and with that picks up the Ratcatcher, the Riddler, Walt Flannagan and the dog and flies away.
STEVE-DAVE
Fuck, now I need to hire more help.
THE END
