Otabek Altin is such a jerk, Yuri thought angrily. Just driving up in his stupid motorcycle, acting like I'm a damsel in distress and he's the prince coming to save me! As if I needed his help! And then he just expects me to be his friend! Out of nowhere! We don't even know each other! He doesn't even go here! What a weirdo.

The blonde skater had just been released from his meet cute, or whatever the hell you call it, with Otabek, and was in a foul mood. Not only did his legs hurt from that idiotic bike (a bike that Yuri knew he would never be allowed to get, ugh), but now he couldn't focus on anything but that dark-haired, mysterious skater.

What was with him anyway? He's so quiet. How did he know where I was? He just drove up to me and handed me a helmet! He looked so fucking cool too!

Yuri winced for what seemed like the millionth time, the soreness of his muscles preventing him to do his normal punk shuffle. The wind whipped around, blowing his hair about and pushing his hood off his head.

Why is he even interested in me -

"Hey!" someone shouted from behind Yuri. "Blondie!"

Yuri turned suddenly.

"Who you calling blondie?!" he growled. The girl trying to get his attention shriveled instantly, and Yuri regretted being so rude. It was Otabek's fault though, for putting him in such a foul mood.

"Sorry. I just, well, you dropped this. It fell out of your pocket," mumbled the teenage girl. She held out a small slip of paper, head down. Yuri took the paper and began to examine it.

"A phone number?" he said incredulously. "What the hell? Otabek?!"

The piece of paper held a phone number written in small, compact handwriting, followed by a small dash and then the name Otabek Altin. There was also a short message.

I may be russian into this, but would it be sochi-eesy to ask for your number?

"He slipped me his phone number! What a bastard!" Yuri exclaimed, looking up, then suddenly realizing that the girl was still standing there. "Oh, sorry, this guy is just being a jerk."

"Yeah, I get that. Relationships are tough," stammered the girl.

"What? Relationships?"

"Wasn't he asking you on a date? That's why he gave you his phone number, right?"

Yuri looked at the brunette, his eyes widening. She grew flustered, and a red tint creeped onto her cheeks. Yuri continued staring.

Suddenly, his phone rang, startling the both of them. The girl squeaked and scurried away as Yuri answered the phone.

"Yurio!" sang Viktor. "Where are you? Everyone misses the Russian Fairy!"

"Shut it, Viktor! And don't call me Yurio!" spat the blonde.

"Oh, how I've missed your melodious voice. But seriously, where are you? Yakov's worried in his own Yakov-y way."

Yuri looked around, taking in his surroundings. He had just left the plaza where Otabek and him were talking, and was now near what looks like some shops.

"Uh…" Yuri paused. "I actually have no idea. Pick me up?"

Viktor laughed, a tinkling sort of thing. "Yes, yes, text me the location on your phone! You'd think that I'd be worried about a 15 year old lost in a city, but you're so terrifying that nobody would dare hurt you."

"I'm not sure whether that's a compliment or an insult," responded Yuri, sending Viktor a screenshot of his location on Google Maps.

Muffled voices came from the phone and there was a pause before Viktor spoke again.

"I have to go! I'll see you soon, son!"

"DON'T CALL ME SON!"

But Viktor had already hung up. Yuri groaned, and pulled his jacket a little bit tighter around himself, walking over to sit on a bench. The wind had really picked up. Are motorcycles affected by wind? Can they be blown over? Would Otabek get home okay? Yuri shook his head viciously.

Stop thinking about him! He's competition, after all. And either way, he's not important.

Right…? Maybe I should text him, he did leave me his number after all.

Yuri unlocked his phone, taking a moment to appreciate his wallpaper of a small white cat back in Russia, and opened up his text messages. He typed Otabek's number into his contacts and began composing a message.

What do you even send in cases like this? "Hi"? But then he won't know who I am…

Eventually Yuri decided on something short and sweet. His name.

To No-tabek:

Yuri Plisetsky

A minute later, while Yuri was reading dumb conspiracy theories about Viktor and Yuri (as if they'd ever get together), a reply came in.

From No-tabek:

Otabek Altin

Yuri sighed.

Fuck it, if he wants to pull that whole handshake shit, then I should be able to text him! And that girl was totally wrong, we aren't dating or anything like that.

To No-tabek:

wth

What? Weren't we saying our names?

whatever.

There was a pause in which Otabek didn't respond, and Yuri panicked.

i like your motorcycle

Thanks? I'm glad

and your skating

You're being nice, it's scary

jerk

it's only because Viktor says i should be

You're listening to people, it's scary

youre supposed to compliment me back, not insult me

Oh. Uh. I like your last name?

you can have it, i don't like it, try again

You're a good skater for 15?

ugh

What do you want me to compliment?

idk... my hair or something

Yuri Plisetsky, your long, silky, blonde hair is actually the most beautiful hair I have ever seen

Yuri would be lying if his heart didn't leap a little bit at that. He felt sick. Was he sick? Was the strain of being so damn good at figure skating finally culminating into heart issues?

thx

now try it without the sarcasm

That was completely serious

oh sure

Seriously

ok… well thank you

Viktor's hair is better though

i'd be mad, but honestly that's totally true

Especially when it was long

you should start a Viktor's hair fan club

That already exists

tbh it probably does

I know the head of the club

really?

Katsuki Yuuri

pft true

have you seen the "victuuri" posts?

Of course, they're everywhere

so unrealistic

Um

What

Really?

look ik i'm brilliant but there's no need to repeat me

I just meant that victuuri isn't completely crazy

don't tell me you've been drawing fanart too

Oh shush, have you seen the way Viktor looks at that nerd

nerd? finally a man after my own heart

3

"pORkk CUUTleTT BOOOwwllLL" - katsuki

That is terrifying.

youre welcome

But clearly your Viktor doesn't think so

omg stop

I bet they'll kiss

n o

You'd be invited to the wedding

spare me

Maybe they could adopt you as their child, Yuri Plisetsky-Katsuki-Nikiforov

UGH

I'M LEAVING

Sorry! I'll stop

no, no it's fine i actually gtg my car just arrived

Oh okay

see you soon

Oh yeah, skating ha ha

Yuri hurried toward the car, waving to Viktor. He slid into the seat, grunting a hello to his fellow skater, and sent a message before he overthought it.

davai

So that's how you spell it.

Yuri instantly smiled at Otabek's text, before quickly wiping the grin off his face.

"Who are you texting? A new friend?" asked Viktor.

"Yeah," said Yuri. "Sure."

Over the next few weeks, Yuri barely even put down his phone. Him and Otabek were always texting each other random things, pictures of cats and complaints about Viktor and Yuuri from Yuri, and bad puns from the dark haired skater.

From No-tabek

What is my favorite Russian skater up to

I thought that was Viktor

Oh, this isn't Viktor?

ha ha youre so funny

i'm warming up

Picture?

why

Because I'm testing how strong our friendship is, best friend, obviously

best friend? really otabek

~ yuri sent a picture ~

How are you so flexible in that picture, that is insane

because i've been doing this for 15 years

Oh, yes, Yuri Plisetsky, famous for coming out of the womb in a full splitz

actually, it's yuri plisetsky, famous for being the best figure skater in the world

Cough cough Viktor nikiforov cough

i'm starting to think that you don't want to be friends with me, you just want to get closer to my Viktor

Oh how did you guess

Also, "my Viktor", you may need to fight katsuki for rights to owning Viktor

i'd win easily, i did teach him everything he knows

There's no way you taught him how to devour pork cutlet bowls, all I've seen you consume are juice boxes and borscht and those rolls

pirozhki

Yes, that

PIROZHKI

Russians are so adorable

nah it's just me

Ha probably

tell me something about kazackstan

It's spelled Kazakhstan?

something interesting

Spelling is interesting

nerd

It translates to land of the wanderers or something to that effect

I SAID SOMETHING INTERESTING

The Kazakh word for dog is pronounced eat

Prostitution is semi-legal?

there we go

You are actually 15

i'm wise beyond my years

You get skating high scores by being annoyed by someone you call "pork cutlet bowl"

true

Talk to me when you're 18

but then you'll be 21 - old man

Then our love must be doomed

oh fucking no

Language

preferred? russian

Russian? More like Yuri's always fuss-ian

"Yuri!" Lilia called. "Exercising your thumbs won't fix your messy footwork!"

ew no gtg though coach is calling

Bye Yuri!

Yuri set down his phone and began his training.

That evening, Viktor dragged Yuri out to a sushi restaurant.

"I heard from your coach that you've been texting nonstop! Something you want to tell me?"

"Hell nah," Yuri swore. "You wouldn't understand, since all you care about is that dumb piggy."

Honestly, the only reason Yuri hated Katsuki so much was because he has the word cat in his name and Yuri doesn't.

Seriously, what a jerk.

"Don't be that way, Yuri! We're two peas in a pod!"

"Stop using those English phrases, they don't even make sense. There are more than two peas in a pod, I've never seen a pod with just two peas! And all peas look the same anyway!"

"Yuri, I'm sensing some built up angst inside of you. Are you sure you don't want to talk? I'm here for you!"

Yuri rolled his eyes and began to drink his bubble tea.

"Whatever, Viktor."

Halfway through dinner and small talk, Yuri suddenly couldn't hold it in.

"Viktor, how do you tell if someone's flirting with you?"

The Russian coach began to make eyebrows.

"Have they skated Eros for you yet?"

Yuri groaned.

"I wish," he mumbled. "Wait. Shit. No. What? Who said that?"

"See how the person responds when you flirt with them, duh! It always works for me! If they blush, they want to get married. Make sure there's a hot spring near, though."

"Stop joking and rubbing your relationship with pork cutlet bowl in my face! Gross!"

"I'm being serious! Not about the hot spring, though that is a plus," Viktor said, and winked. Yuri cringed.

"What would I even say? I don't know how to flirt with people! I'm not a gross old man!"

"Well, small child, let me teach the ways of the flirt. Get out your phone, and give it to me."

Yuri obeyed, opening up his texts to Otabek.

"Otabek? You're in love with Otabek?"

"FUCK!" yelled Yuri. They were then kicked out of the sushi restaurant. It was embarrassing, and Viktor almost fell over. This guy was a professional skater, for god's sake.

"Does Otabek like puns?" Viktor asked, typing away. "Never mind, I'm sure he'll like this one! Okay, I sent it!"

"What? No! What was it? Why didn't you let me approve it?"

Viktor shrugged. "It'll be fine, Yuri, yuri-n good hands!"

The blonde groaned, and facepalmed. "We're leaving, get me out of this hell."

To No-tabek:

Do you like pizza? Because I have a crust on you!

So that was the pick up line that Viktor sent. A response came in a minute later.

Aw, Yuri, you stole a pizza my heart with that /cheesy/ pick up line!

hey, otabek, is there a window near where you are

Um, yeah there's one right next to me, why?

jump out of it

Wind-no-w thank you!

i will walk over there and punch you

Good luck finding out where I am

Yuri texted Otabek the address of the hotel the dark haired skater was staying in.

What? How?

social media, bitch

I love you too, Yuri

"Is it working?" Viktor asked, leaning over Yuri's shoulder to read the messages. "Oh ho ho, clearly it is!"

Yuri shut off his phone and shoved it into his pocket.

"Shut up, old man!"

"Even I haven't gotten an 'I love you' yet!"

"He meant it as a joke, okay?"

Yuri sulked the rest of the way home.

The next day, Yuri felt even more nervous texting Otabek than before. Viktor's strategy didn't work at all! Now Otabek was even making more dumb puns!

It was time to take drastic measures. Yuri unlocked his phone, and pulled up a contact he hadn't texted in a very long time.

To Chris-suck-tophe:

hey dickhead, i'll end you if you ask questions give me relationship advice now

plisetsky

Chris Giacometti, as per usual, responded instantly.

Your problem has an easy remedy! Agape is so childish, you need to spice things up a bit! Might I suggest pole dancing, I hear it works wonders to get you noticed by senpai!

i hate you and your ass face.

Yuri barely refrained himself from chucking his phone against the wall.

It's better than yours!

oh please, yuri plisetsky's long, silky, blonde hair is actually the most beautiful hair anyone has ever seen

First things first you've got to learn to use your ASSets to your advantage! That's in my case at least.

uh huh yeah, how, genius?

Nudes!

no

The conversation ended there, when Yuri finally did throw his phone at the wall. He then proceeded to perfectly land a quad.

Everyone was very impressed, and Yuri wished Otabek could've seen it.

However, Yuri wasn't able to forget about Chris' advice.

I mean, he is super popular. Everyone seems to love him! I wouldn't actually send Otabek nudes, that's dumb. But… I could send him a different picture… One of me at the pool?

"Viktor!" shouted Yuri. "We're going to the pool! Stop texting the other, less cool Yuuri and come with me!"

Viktor brought Yuuri. Of course. Yuri would be mad because he knew Viktor was just trying to see Yuuri shirtless again, but he was doing basically the same thing.

Except he was trying to get himself shirtless.

This was weird, wasn't it.

"This is weird," Katsuki said. "Why don't you like my swim shirt, Viktor?"

"I do like it!" exclaimed the coach. "I just don't understand it! Why?"

"Why not?" Yuuri responded. "I feel more comfortable! Don't you want me to be happy, Viktor?"

"Of course I do! But I want you to be comfortable too!"

"That doesn't even make any sense! I didn't think the swim shirt would be that big of a deal, or I wouldn't have worn it!"

"Yuuri, you're so cute, you're going to make me go GrAY."

Yuri stood up, sick of this soap opera shit.

"Your hair is already fucking silver, Viktor, now get in the pool."

The pool was awkward. Viktor tried to get them to play Marco Polo, which reminded Yuri of that time when Yuuri tried to hug him, which was gross.

"We should take a picture," proposed Yuri. "So I can post it."

"Amazing idea!" replied Viktor. "Just like the ones I took with Chris!"

Yuuri blushed.

"No thanks. I'm wearing a swim shirt."

"We're taking," Yuri growled. "The damn photo."

The three skaters shuffled together to get into the frame, Viktor with his arm around Yuuri, Yuri with his head on Viktor's shoulder.

Yuri uploaded the photo to his Instagram, and watched the comments pour in.

fiRst!1!

What a cute family photo, two dads, one son, i'm looking at you yuri

ot3 omg

nice swimshirt

Yuri rolled his eyes and shut off his phone.

"Okay," he said. "We're done here."

"I guess you just wanted the publicity from me being in the photo," pouted Viktor.

"No, it was so my abs look especially good in comparison to your old man stomach."

Viktor gasped, and went into the corner to hide from the truth.

"It's okay!" Yuuri stuttered. "You're the most muscled person I know!"

Yuri took this opportunity to leave before things escalated quickly. Leaving the pool, he checked his phone once more, suddenly realizing that he didn't follow Otabek on Instagram.

To No-tabek:

do you have an instagram

Yeah, but if by have you mean use, then no

you should!

Sightings of a rare Yuri using a exclamation point cause Russia to erupt into chaos

ugh

Fine, fine, I'll go on instagram now

Yuri smirked at the phone. A few minutes later, Otabek texted again.

You're shit at captioning photos

sightings of a rare Otabek using a swear word cause Kazakhstan to erupt into chaos

Ha ha, but seriously, you just captioned it "pool"

We can see that you're at the pool

It's obvious that you're at the pool

Why would you caption it "pool"

what should i have captioned it instead

"/water/ these two doing here" and then tag viktor and yuuri

Yuri groaned, but edited the Instagram caption anyway.

bye felicia

Such an old meme

just like you

Bye Felicia

hippocrite

Did you know that your name means girl's love in Japan?

fitting

The blonde Russian collapsed onto a bench outside of the pool building. A minute of texting Otabek later, Yuuri sat down next to him. Yuri glared at him.

"Water you doing here, Katsuki?"

"Waiting for Victor, just like you. He's taking a shower because he's worried that I won't love him if his hair has chlorine damage," Yuuri replied sadly.

"I wouldn't love him if that happened. Victor's hair is the only good thing about him."

"So you're admitting that you love him now?"

"Just as much as I love you, pork cutlet bowl," Yuri deadpanned. Yuuri cringed.

There was an awkward pause.

"Yuuri, I could kick you and damage you forever."

"Um, yeah, I know that, but why tell me now?" Yuuri seemed intimidated. Good.

"Because, I swear to god, if you tell anybody about the conversation that follows, I will hurt you."

"O-okay?"

"How do you get someone to fall in love with you?" asked Yuri, still in a threatening voice. Yuuri rubbed the back of his head and laughed awkwardly.

"Are you sure you want to ask me this?"

"I already asked Victor, and fucking Chris. You're my last hope."

"Well," said Yuuri seriously. "It depends on the person you want to have a relationship with."
Yuri sighed, pulled out his phone, scrolled to the start of him and Otabek's messages, and shoved the device in Yuuri's face. The Japanese skater began reading.

"Oh my god, Yuri," he said when he finished scrolling. "You are actually an adorable little angel."

Yuri turned red.

"How?"

"So sweet! So innocent! So pure!"

"Shut up, dumbass!"

"So kawaii!" Yuuri was pinching Yuri's cheeks and squealing. The blonde just managed to shove him away.

"I said be quiet! How the hell is the Russian Punk adorable?!"

"Because you don't need advice! Otabek is already totally in love with you!"

Yuri's mouth fell open. There was silence as the two Yuris stared at each other.

"What?" the Russian finally spat. "No way in hell!"

"Yes way!" Yuuri sang.

"No way!"

"Yes way!

"No way!"

Viktor ran out of the pool building, a towel wrapped around his hair, a bathrobe flapping behind him.

"I'm back! What did I miss?" he chirped.

"Nothing," the two younger skaters said in unison. They began their walk back to their rooms.

"So," Yuri said, shooting daggers with his eyes. "Yuuri. About the matter we were discussing before, do you have anything more to say?"

"No," the black haired man said in a slightly robotic voice, clearly trying to keep the conversation a secret. "I would merely say that you should drop subtle hints about the matter. I am quite positive that everything will turn out the way you want quite soon."

Yuri nodded sharply.

"Are you two talking about skating?" Viktor questioned again.

"Look, Viktor!" Yuuri exclaimed, smiling nervously. "A trash can! How… quaint?"

"Maybe you two should talk to it," Yuri insulted. "Since you're trash skaters as well."

Yuri strutted away proudly, leaving the two lovebirds in the dust, just like when they were on the rink.

Over the next month or so, Yuri Plisetsky was the master of dropping subtle hints to Otabek over text and in person when they managed to hang out together.

One time, after Otabek finished running through his routine for Yuri and his coach, Yuri commented on his performance.

"Nice job," Yuri said seriously. "I liked your hips."

"Thanks, I practice in front of a mirror every day."

Yuri didn't know whether he was joking or not.

Needless to say, that subtle hint didn't work.

Another time, when they were texting, Yuri asked Otabek his dating opinions.

To No-tabek 3:

if you were going on a date with a s/o, what would you want them to bring you

What's a s/o?

a squid/octopus

Jerk, I looked it up, it's a significant other

yeah, answer the question

Idk, chocolates or something

lame

Oh yeah and what cool thing would you want?

a fucking Grand Prix gold medal of course

A few days later, Yuri presented Otabek with a box of chocolates.

"Here, eat," Yuri announced, the pinnacle of romance.

"Do they have nuts?" Otabek asked. Yuri shrugged.

"I'm allergic to nuts," the skater explained.

Viktor and Yuuri cracked up in the background.

After that resounding failure with the chocolates, Yuri knew he need to step up his game. The perfect opportunity arrived when him and Otabek were asking questions about each other via text.

From No-tabek 3:

Perfect person?

me

I meant perfect person who you would want to date

me

Oh come on, answer the question

ugh fine

Idk, not that tall

athletic

dark-haired

Boring, be more specific, play the game

good sense of fashion

likes motorcycles

allergic to nuts

Otabek didn't respond for what seemed like half an hour. Yuri was busy trying to remember how to breathe.

Finally, finally, Otabek responded.

I should introduce you to my sister!

Yuri screeched and kicked Viktor, who was sitting next to him, in the shins, knocking him over into Yuuri, who blushed.

"LOVE IS DISGUSTING," he screamed, and ran away.

Otabek really tried to get Yuri to meet his sister. It was horrible. Honestly, Yuri would much prefer to meet the parents.

After two years of being subtle, Yuri Plisetsky was done with it. With everything. It was Valentine's Day, and the Russian Punk was still in the fucking friendzone.

It was time for drastic measures.

To Ota-baka why are you so fucking stupid 3 3 3:

since it's valentines day, i wrote a poem for my very best bro

Oh yeah? Let's hear it

roses are red

violets are blue

i like pirozhki

let's fuck

See you in five!

Within three days, #otabekxyuri was a trending hashtag worldwide.

Coffee shop au fanfictions were Yuri Plisetsky's shit.