Ah! Before we begin, I will state that this is completely for fun! 90 percent of everything in this fic is for comical purpose (And maybe romance) while the other 10 percent is for actual plot development. I am expecting flamers, just for the fact that some people have nothing better to do, and everyone else is probably reading this because...they have nothing else better to do.
I am by far no where near a stand-up comedian, so some of my jokes may be recycled and borrowed (Coughstolencough). So for the time being, sit back and enjoy!
Pairings: NaruHina (main), NaruIno slightly, and other characters that pop up of course.
Disclaimer: Seriously? Enough fics have done this already. Just put a damn notice on the main site that says NOBODY ON THIS SITE MAKES MONEY HERE!
Chapter 1: Meeting Team 7
The current position of one Naruto Uzumaki…sitting on top of the rooftop of his school building with his teammates, apparently with their new Jonin sensei. Naruto's first impression of the man; Lazy as all hell.
"Okay, how about you three introduce yourselves." The cycloptic nin asked with as much indifference that he could muster.
"Um, sensei, shouldn't you go first to give us an example?" Sakura asked whilst blushing.
"Okay. First things first, shut up. Your existence annoys me. I hate all of your guts and hope you die one day. How's that?"
"…"
"…"
"Cool." Sasuke said.
"Now since you decided to play leader, how about you go first?" He nodded towards the pink haired pre-teen.
"My name's Sakura Haruno, I'm 12 years old and I like beating on Naruto for no apparent reason at all. I pretend to like Sasuke so I can have an excuse to kill him one day."
"Okay, you're a future schizo. Now the kid from fall out boy."
"My name is Sasuke Uchiha, I'm 12 years old and love to hate." (Even I hear the crickets on that one.) "I use my hatred for my brother as a cover to one day rape him in the butt."
"Okay, way too blunt." Sasuke just shrugged. Kakashi shook his head. "Future pedophile. Lastly…oh god, do we even have to do this one?"
"What?" Naruto asked skeptically.
"The show is named after you. Of course you're gonna have some cliché dream like wanting to be Hokage to get acknowledgement from the villagers that treated you badly while growing up."
The blonde in front of him scratched his head sheepishly. "Well…shit."
Kakashi sighed. "Now that that's out of the way, we'll begin your training tomorrow. Go get your ninja license pictures taken. Oh, and don't eat anything tomorrow morning or you'll most likely throw up. Meet at training ground 7 at 8:00 a.m."
"Wait, ninja license? What's the point of having one of those?" Naruto asked.
"Duh, to show that we're ninjas baka!" Sakura shouted.
"But…why would we need a license? Who the hell are we supposed to show it to? I'm pretty sure the person we assassinate isn't gonna make sure that we can legally kill him." Naruto deadpanned.
"Well…that's because…" Sakura cocked her head to the side. "Wait…why the hell do we need a ninja license? Isn't our hitai-ate's supposed to represent the fact that we're ninja?"
Kakashi groaned as all three students looked at him expectantly. 'This is why I shouldn'tve left the ANBU…'
"Go ask Hokage." Was Kakashi's only reply before shunshining away.
The three sat in silence.
"Well, I'm outta here!" Naruto said while walking towards the edge of the roof.
"Baka, aren't you forgetting something?" Sakura's loud voice made a dog howl somewhere off in the distance.
"Like?" He asked with genuine confusion. The pink haired pre-teen huffed and pointed at herself.
"Dote over me dammit!"
Sasuke shook his head, much like Kakashi before standing to leave. "Idiots." Was his only word before he disappeared into the school once again. Almost instantly, Sakura ran after him.
Now alone, Naruto finally dropped the false smile that was plastered to his face. He groaned and looked up to the sky. He knew it was going to be a long week, seeing as his teammates most likely thought he was shit. If only they knew. Several months ago, Naruto had been training, and training hard.
Flashback
"If you can't do this, you'll never grow!" A woman yelled at the blonde as he lay on the ground in strange black garments. In his hand was a sword just as long as his body.
"I…I can do it! I…I will achieve bankai!" The blonde yelled and used his sword to help him stand up. "Just you wait Yoruichi!"
Said woman shook her head in exasperation. "Bankai? Who the hell said anything about bankai? You're not even a soul reaper!"
"…What? So this whole time has been a lie? Do you even love me?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, kid! I think you better get that brain of yours checked out. You accidently came here and then demanded that I teach you how to fight like a fox remember? Where the hell did you even get that sword from?"
"Isn't this my shikai?"
"How the fuck do you even know about that?" Yoruichi stopped before she completely lost her mind. "You know what, forget it. Fine, I'll teach you bankai. But you better not die on me!" An evil grin formed on the woman's face before she slowly stalked over to the now gulping blonde.
End Flashback…
The blonde had frowned. "Now that I think about it, I never did achieve bankai…DAMMIT!"
Several Minutes Later…
Finally reaching his home after getting the useless ninja license, Naruto flopped down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He couldn't help but wonder how far he could go in the ninja world. (Seeing as being a shinigami didn't work out so hot) Now that he had become a ninja, he had to get stronger. Or at least stronger than he already was. As it stood, he was probably the strongest out of the genin that he knew of. They wouldn't suspect a thing when he decided to show his true self.
But he couldn't keep letting Sasuke have all the glory either though. As things were, Naruto was still deeply crushing on Sakura, and without being able to show that he could at least fend for himself wasn't getting him any closer to the girl's heart. He frowned seriously, rolling to his side.
'What does she see in that ass anyway? All he ever does is brood and insult her. He's even a disgrace to the real emo's!'
Somewhere around the village, Sasuke shot up in bed. "…I'm gonna kill Naruto one day." (Hint hint, wink wink.)
Next morning…
The first rays of daylight beat down upon Konoha like a hot iron. Cooling shades became crowded with stray animals looking to get out of the summer heat. The chirp of cicadas filled the air with a rhythmic metronome, seeming to lull the village back into a deep slumber. It was a beautiful day, and a lot more calming than the previous. Many ninja whom had already awoken to their morning shifts smiled serenely at the weather, though they hoped for a slight breeze to come make things perfect.
"Man, Konoha sure can get hot." Naruto stated as he slowly walked towards his training ground to meet with his team. Because of the heat, he had chosen different attire. Instead of the overly large, heat trap of an orange jacket, he decided to take a simpler route with a sleeveless orange hoody. Dropping the orange jumpsuit pants, he now adorned black cargo pants that bellowed at the bottom allowing air to enter. His hitai-ate hung out of the back of his pants pocket, securely strapped to the inside.
"Tell me about it. It's such a drag that we have to get up this early, especially in this heat." Next to the blonde, his old friend Shikamaru lazily walked with his hands in his pockets. The pineapple haired pre-teen wore his same outfit, though his jacket was slung over his shoulder so he had only his fishnet top on.
"This is nothing. Wait until you guys have to go to Suna." Ino was surprisingly walking with the two. Naruto found it odd, seeing as the day prior the girl acted like the obnoxious, annoying, pig nosed, egotistical, self-centered, love-struck- "Okay, we get it!"
Naruto and Shikamaru sweatdropped. Ino fumed and crossed her arms.
"Wait a minute, how do you know we're gonna have to go to Suna?" Shikamaru asked.
"Not you, Naruto." Ino said rolling her eyes.
"Me? How would you know that?"
Ino blushed at realizing her mistake. "Uh…" She quickly tossed the monthly issue of Shonen Jump she was holding into the bushes. "Wild guess."
As the three reached the gate, they parted ways. Naruto's stomach growled and he inwardly sighed. 'I already hate Kakashi-sensei. I'm gonna starve to death before we even get done with training!'
Finally reaching the training ground, Naruto saw that Sasuke was there by himself. Sasuke looked up at Naruto for a brief second before turning away without a word. Naruto frowned. It was all too obvious that Sasuke held almost no respect for him now. He had been top of the class and of course Naruto had been dead last. But that was only because Naruto was utilizing the element of surprise. His skills far surpassed Sasuke's in every way.
"Baka, Sasuke-kun." Sakura's voice greeted the two. Turning around, expecting to give his usual greeting to the girl, Naruto was stopped in his tracks at the sight before him.
"Holy shit, Sakura-chan!" Naruto's jaw dropped. Sakura was wearing a strapless pink tank top (with nothing to show) and very, very, very...very small blue mini-shorts. (with nothing to fill it out)
Sakura blushed at the hungry look Naruto was leveling at her. 'Hell yeah, dote over me you sexy blonde beast!'
"Will you both stop being idiots and get ready for when sensei arrives?" Sasuke growled from his position under a tree. Both other pre-teens groaned at Sasuke's rudeness.
Sakura went over to the boy, and leaned over to look him right in the face. "Sasuke-kun, why are you being so mean?" She asked with a pout. Surprisingly, the boy blushed and looked away.
"Tch, like you'd understand." He mumbled, though both of his teammates heard. Instantly, they both knew what was wrong. They had heard of the Uchiha massacre a few years back, and knew that Sasuke was the only one left. It was a tender subject for the boy, so they tended to avoid talking about it at all cost. Naruto felt sympathy for the raven haired boy. He knew what it felt like to be alone. To have no one to call mother or father.
In Sasuke's mind, he was thinking of one thing and one thing only. 'They'd never understand. HE ATE ALL MY DAMN COOKIES! ITACHI!'
"Well, you all made it!" Kakashi had just appeared at the beginning of the awkward moment.
"You're late sensei." Naruto said sullenly, still in reverie of his and Sasuke's misfortune. All present saw and felt disheartened. It wasn't natural for the usually energetic shinobi to be sad. Sasuke looked up at him and saw the distant look in his eyes, and tears in the corner of them. The Uchiha felt remorse for making everyone feel that way, though he would never admit. Seeing that it was his fault that he left his cookies on the counter in the first place, he took the initiative and stood up.
"We're ready Kakashi-sensei!" He said with a little more determination than usual. All looked up at the young boy in shock. He scratched his cheek. "What?"
All three genin stood side by side, awaiting their sensei now. He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. 'Man this sucks. Why am I doing this again?'
Flashback…
"Kakashi!" The Hokage called as the ANBU captain prepared to leave his office.
"Yes Hokage-sama?"
"Do you remember that bet we made?" He asked, a sly grin on his face. Kakashi cocked his one visible eyebrow.
"No. What bet?"
"A few years back, we made a bet that if everyone on your team died before you that you would take the worse team in history as your students!"
Kakashi's eye widened. "No…that's not fair! I was young and reckless!"
"A bet is a bet, dammit! Now get your ass into a Jonin vest and prepare for the worst six months of your life!"
End Flashback…
"Note to self. Kill the Hokage."
"Um, Kakashi-sensei? You okay?"
The cycloptic nin blinked at his students before turning and walking towards the other end of the training field.
"Alright…now, let's get started."
Several Hours later…
For some reason, Naruto was tied to a tree stump, while Sakura and Sasuke were holding bento boxes. All three looked around in confusion.
"Wait, what the hell just happened?" The blonde screamed, struggling against his bonds.
"Time skip. The bell training has been done in so many fanfics already I feel it's getting a bit clichéd." Kakashi shrugged and prepared to leave the three.
"If you ask me, Naruto fanfics in general are cliché." Sasuke mumbled. Somewhere around the world, fanfic authors created the term 'Sasuke Bashing'.
"Whoa whoa whoa! Slow down!" The blondes bonds suddenly came undone. "If I recall correctly, the author has been blatantly saying I'm stronger than Sasuke. So time skip or not, I'm not going to be the one tied to the damn pole!"
Kakashi stroked his chin for a second. "Hmm, you have a point." Sasuke and Sakura shuddered. They both had a hint of what was going to happen next.
Reverse to Several minutes ago…action!
For some reason, Sakura was tied to a tree stump, while Sasuke and Naruto were holding bento boxes. Now only Sakura looked around in confusion.
"HEY! Why me?" She whined loudly.
"Well…maybe because you're useless until shippuden." Sasuke stated in a monotone.
"Shippa what?" Naruto asked. (Yes. You know where that's from.)
Kakashi stretched, yawned, and scratched his back (all at the same time) and took out his book.
"Oh crap, don't tell me you're gonna be reading that stupid Icha Icha paradise book all the time." Naruto groaned.
"Icha what? This is the DaVinci Code." Kakashi replied before vanishing in a small swirl of leaves.
"Well, since nothing else important happens…we're gonna end here."
TO BE CONTINUED!
"Well that was a good waste of my day." Sasuke stated as the crew came in to remove the set from behind him.
"At least you didn't get tied to a pole because of a certain someone." Sakura called, glaring at Naruto.
"Not my fault. It's in the script."
"Script? I thought this was all improvising." Ino stated, walking over to the trio. Shikamaru was behind her, wearing nothing but a towel.
"Uh…Shikamaru…why are you in a towel?" Sakura asked with a slight blush.
"Chouji was bit upset about not being in this episode." He said with a twitch. Ino just giggled.
"He smashed jelly donuts on Shikamaru and tried to lick them off when he realized his mistake." Before the image could forever scar Team 7, Shikamaru cleared his throat.
"The shower was my only salvation." The others all sighed in relief, save Ino, whom was still holding her sides laughing at her surrogate brother's misfortune.
"Well, we've got the day off, how about we go get something to eat?" Sakura offered.
"As long as it's not donuts." Shikamaru sighed. Screen fade as group erupts in laughter again.
