A Pines Family Thanksgiving
(November 26-30, 2014)
1: No Place Like the Falls for the Holidays
It was Fiddleford's idea: the best way to announce the engagements of the elder Pines twins to Dipper and Mabel's folks was to do it a real old-fashioned Thanksgiving family get-together. His wife Mayellen agreed that of all possible places, their home—the old Northwest mansion—was the most ideal.
Stanford wasn't so sure. "Maybe we should take our ladies to Piedmont instead. Our nephew and his wife have never experienced Gravity Falls weirdness before," he pointed out.
"Weirdness?" Fiddleford asked in puzzlement as he vacuumed up a thick spattering of gooey ectoplasm that had curdled the floor of his lab. "I haven't seen any weirdness to speak of in ages! Oh, slap down that there poltergeist behind you, please. They're more trouble than a drunk carp at a hoedown!"
Stanford had been wielding the cricket bat, which had been charmed against lesser apparitions and specially imported from a school of magic in Scotland. He spun, saw the globular creature—a little like an airborne green-and-pink jellyfish, a little like the photos of President Taft in his most bloated period—and gave it a sharp smack with the enchanted weapon. The mindless apparition splatted onto the floor, and Fiddleford ran the shop vac over the remains, sucking up the gelatinous mess. "Dang troublemakers," he muttered.
He glanced around. The lab floor was clean, and no more mischief-making semi-sentient sprites were drifting around. "OK, they'll just reform iffen I don't get shed of 'em, so I'll empty this here canister into the Bottomless Pit. But speakin' of your worries, I'll tell you what, Ford: Thanksgiving ain't normally a time for strangeness hereabouts. Seems like all the ghoulies and ghosties and long-underwear wearin' apparitions take some time off around then. The Manotaurs have their Preparing for Winter week, when they haul leaves and twigs into their cave so's they can snuggle down on them cold days. The Gnomes are comin' out of the trees and goin' down into their hereditary-like burrows, where it's warmer, an' they're layin' in supplies of dried fruits, roadkill, and whatever they can steal. Ain't seen a vampire bat nor a dinosaur in months."
"Well," Ford said slowly, "as long as we don't make them think this is a town of supernatural strangeness and weird characters."
"Aw, shucks, we can deal with that! We'll put Mr. and Mrs. Pines up here in one of the nice bedrooms on the third floor, the kids can use their regular spare rooms on the second. I'll have the Willets come in to cook us up a good old-fashioned feast, and we'll show 'em the more normal sights around the county an' steer clear of any supernaturdoodle hullabullusions."
Ford still felt uncertain, but unlike his brother, Stanley was all for the idea. So were Wendy, who worked only weekends and two evenings a week in the Shack during the school year, and Teek, who still showed up as short-order cook on weekends only—because they'd get to see Dipper and Mabel, respectively.
Mayellen, Fiddleford's wife, now almost totally recovered from the trauma she'd suffered when an alien creature had kidnapped her and held her prisoner for years, said she would really enjoy company for a change—they rarely had guests, and she now was more comfortable among people and wanted to see new faces. Stanley's fiancée, Sheila Remley, and Stanford's, Lorena Jones, were eager to break the news of their upcoming nuptials.
Soos and Melody were overjoyed. "It'll be like Christmas at Thanksgiving, dawgs!" Soos pronounced. "Little Soos loves those kids! And we can also tell everybody our big surprise, too! It's like the greatest idea since I hired Gideon to be the Dancing Wolf Boy!"
In the end, they all convinced Stanford, and at the beginning of the second week in November, Stanley phoned and made arrangements with Mr. and Mrs. Pines.
Mr. Pines was delighted. His wife was just a little perturbed: "But I have my checklist for Thanksgiving all ready!"
Mabel and Dipper weren't supposed to know about the offer, but Mabel had eavesdropped and knew everything, so the twins wheedled, and before long Mom gave in. Though the Mystery Twins were fifteen now, they had never lost the wheedling instinct that had served them well since they had been toddlers.
"Oh, very well," Mrs. Pines said finally, with a resigned smile. "If it means so much to you two, we'll go—well, thank heavens I haven't bought the turkey yet!"
"Yay!" Mabel exclaimed. "Mom, you're the best! Dad, you're the best, too! Dipper, I'm used to you!"
Over Mr. Pines's admittedly mild objections—as an IT specialist he made good money, but the Pines family had recently purchased a larger house, and they were not exactly rich—Stanley arranged to get them round-trip airline tickets—first class!—for Wednesday, November 26. The kids were out of school for that whole week—as were Wendy and Teek in Gravity Falls—and if everything went according to plan and there were no airport delays, the Pines family would arrive in Portland at about nine-thirty on Wednesday morning. Someone would meet them and drive them to Gravity Falls—and they should be there before noon. They'd stay until the following Sunday.
Immediately the kids let their special friends know to expect them.
Wendy texted Dipper: Dude, I'm super stoked! It will be sooooo good to see you again! Hey, I found these great peppermints I think you'll really like!
He texted her: Ford says he likes my book! He's talking to an agent about it and may have some news for me when we get there! I've got two new songs I want to play for you! But before anything else—I want to sample that peppermint! See you in two weeks! With loads of you-know-what!
Mabel texted T.K. O'Grady: Get ready for some world-class smoochies! I have been saving so many of them up for you!
Teek texted Mabel: I've started taking vitamins! Can't wait to snuggle with you! Wish I could spend the Thanksgiving feast with you, but my family's doing its usual celebration. I'll sneak away around three o'clock, though. Meet you at Circle Park?
It was looking good.
Except during the next days, Stanford still worried incessantly. Stanley assured him, "Look, there's been nothing unusual since Halloween, Ford. I got a feeling we're gonna coast through this. You'll impress Alex and Wanda, I'll joke with him and charm her, and we'll give 'em the happiest Thanksgiving they've had in years and surprise everybody with the wedding announcement!"
"I have to tell Ma—I mean Dipper, about—the problem," Ford said. Stanley usually objected when he used Dipper's birth name, Mason. "He's got to know. He's tied in with this, and he was the one who figured out the secret behind the name Dunn Bergas."
"So tell him," Stanley said. "You know this Bill Cipher a lot better than anybody. All's I know is I had him in my head, and I got a kinda hazy recollection of this weird nacho-chip thing wearin' a Mr. Peanut hat, but that's about it. When you wiped my brain, I think my memory of him is the only thing I never recovered, and I don't want to. Speakin' of memory, I just recalled you owe me a hundred and fifty bucks, your half of the car rental."
"I really don't think a limousine is necessary," Ford grumbled. "You have the El Diablo, I've got my Lincoln, and they're very nice cars."
"We don't want to crowd 'em!" Stanley said. "And anyhow, the kids' mom is the one we gotta impress. Wanda's a nice lady, but she's all about plans and schedules and aimin' for success, yada yada. If she thinks we've—" he hooked his fingers into air quotes—"arrived, it'll make the holiday more fun, and also it'll make her feel better about the kids visitin' us here so often."
"Well, we have arrived," Ford pointed out. "We're both comfortably well-off! But I foresee one problem. She's going to notice we're younger."
Their visit to the Fountain of Youth had not quite brought them all the way back to the point they had been when they lost thirty whole years of their lives—because of the Portal accident—but according to Ford's doctor, they were in incredible shape for men nearing seventy. He put Ford's apparent somatic age at no more than fifty to fifty-two, and though Stanley didn't consult his own doctor on the question, he was obviously about the same. Stan had lost much of his gut, his hair had darkened, the bumps on his nose had almost cleared up (he and Stanford looked more nearly identical than ever), and he had no pain in his knees and more energy than he'd had in years.
"Also," he had recently told Stanford, "I gotta change my eyeglass prescription. These are too strong now, and the ophthalmologist says I got a spontaneous combustion of my cataracts."
"Remission, I think you mean, Stanley," Ford had corrected.
"Whatever, they're gone. And I don't think my early memories have been affected. Fr'instance, remember that time in second grade when we spent all day as each other?"
"I remember the note they sent home telling Ma what a bad boy I've been," Ford muttered. "That poor class hamster!"
But, as to the problem of age, Stanley said, "I don't think Wanda will be thrown for a loop. Alex probably won't even notice. Sheila an' Lorena just think we went to a spa and got great results! We'll give the kids' mom the same story, and I'll make her believe it. I got my ways, you know." He waggled his (darker now) eyebrows.
"I need to tell you this, though, before they come up," Stanford said a little reluctantly. "I won't involve Dipper more than necessary, but he's the one who can contact Bill Cipher in the Mindscape. I can't—this plate in my head. Oh, when I'm sleeping, Cipher can affect my dreams—or I think he can, though I haven't dreamed of him since Weirdmageddon ended—but he hasn't been in touch with me. I have to know more about him and his motives and how he manages to manifest in our reality, even though such manifestations appear to be very temporary."
"Ya gonna drag Dip out to that statue, huh?" Stanley asked, frowning. "I knew I shoulda had that thing hauled over to the Bottomless Pit an' dumped!"
"If I didn't take Dipper there, he'd just go on his own," Ford said. "This way, I can be his—wingtip? Is that the word?"
"Yeah," Stan said with an evil grin. "You go be his wingtip!"
"While Dipper puts himself in relaxation mode and tries to get in touch with Bill—he's good at that—I'll keep watch. If it looks as if he's in trouble, I have ways of pulling his consciousness safely out of the Mindscape. But I have to know—have to hear from Cipher himself—and the only way I can think to do it is through Dipper."
"Just keep him safe, Ford," Stanley said. "That's all I ask."
"I will," Ford said. "He means a lot to me."
"To all of us," Stanley said. "To all of us."
