A/N: Um, okay so this bit of insane randomness popped into my head late one night and I couldn't help but write it down

A/N: Um, okay so this bit of insane randomness popped into my head late one night and I couldn't help but write it down. Lol, please don't bash my craziness!

This one time on Fleet Street…

"MARSHMALLOWS!" Sweeney exclaimed as he awoke from a nightmare about marshmallow pies eating his toes. "Maybe I shouldn't have hit the gin so hard…"

Sweeney stood up and looked around the room when his eye caught one of the floor boards. The piece of wood started to laugh hysterically at him. Sweeney raised his eyebrow and said: "What is so funny?"

"BWAHAHA," it laughed, "I have a secret to tell you but first you must touch your tongue to mine!"

With that, Sweeney freaked out because of the homosexuality and darted out of the room. He burst into Mrs. Lovett's shop to find her having a conversation with a llama.

"MARSHMALLOWS, TALKING FLOOR…HOMO, homo…" Sweeney shouted, gasping for breath.

The llama tapped her hoof impatiently, "DO you mind? We were having a conversation."

"Oh…" Sweeney walked out, not sure what to do next other than touch tongues with the secretive floorboard and he definitely didn't want to do that! He was almost trampled by an escaped herd of Chinese water dragons but managed to make it upstairs in time. He closed the door behind him and let out a sigh.

"Find out secret you must to save the princess, yes yes," said the floorboard.

"What princess?"

"Come, come, show you I shall."

"Why do you talk funny?"

"Speech impediment it is. Stepped on too much I am!"

"Whatever", Sweeney said, "So what's your fabulous secret other than coming out of the closet?"

The floorboard gasped, "Gay I am not, bisexual I am!"

There was an awkward silence and yet another gay baby was born.

"So, secret?" Sweeney asked.

Suddenly, the floorboard opened up and out came this little hologram lady. "What the?" he said as the little lady started to speak.

"You must save me Obi Wan, you are my only hope!"

"Who the heck is that?"

The little hologram studied Sweeney carefully, "Insanely hot barber, you must save me, you're my only hope!"

"The name's Todd… Sweeney Todd."

"HELLO! I'm trying to tell you something!" She shouted impatiently.

"Sorry."

"I'm being held captive by Severus Snape and the bubblegum tribe at Candy Mountain! You must save me!"

"But why me?"

"BECAUSE, you are the most random person the author could think of!" She exclaimed.

(Everyone turns suddenly to the reader and smiles sheepishly)

"Not like this is a Fanfiction or anything…heh heh", Sweeney said.

"Anyway, I brought this gift to help you along in your journey", she continued and up popped a decorative looking wooden box.

Sweeney opened the box and peered in at what was laying on the red velvet lining. "What…what the heck?"

"It's my guarder! For good luck!"

Sweeney picked up the guarder between his thumb and forefinger and looked at it before getting a disgusted shiver down his spine and placing it back in the box.

"If it's all the same", he said, closing the lid, "I can't accept this."

"Trust me, it will come in handy!"

"Sure, if I ever want my stomach to turn over, I'll look at it again."

"WELL I NEVER!" she shouted and then disappeared.

An envelope appeared in her place with "To my savior" written in fancy scrawl on the front. Sweeney opened it and started to read the paper inside. It was a crappy looking map to Candy Mountain done in crayon with big scribbly letters that said, "Directshuns to Kandy Mowntin".

"Pff, I'm not going to some mountain to save some freaky hologram princess that gives me her guarders!" he exclaimed before throwing the letter down on his vanity.

"BAWK BAWK! Chicken you are!" teased the floorboard.

Sweeney picked up the floorboard and turned it over. "Hey! What doing you are?!" it asked as he wedged it back into its spot upside down.

"NO! Claustrophobic I am!" It screamed as Sweeney laughed manically at it.

TO BE CONTINUED…