Vader Family
by Alma and Alice
Chapter 1
"Embarrassing Dad"
"Darth! Stop it, you're embarrassing me!" Luke hides his scrawny head under his palms, cringing in shame at his ridiculous dad.
Leia, looking like a goddess as usual, interjects, "Let's be civil here, Luke. But Darth, you're embarrassing me too." She is clad in a flowing satin dress, the creamy white of her garment complimenting her milky porcelain skin. She glows from within, radiating the flowing majesty and awesome power of a thousand seas.
Darth exhales noisily through his clunky mask (he has a sinus infection). Literally the entire movie theater turns and shoots him a glare, he's being so freaking loud. There is popcorn scattered over his black cloak, and dribbles of soda run down his black metal cheeks.
The Vaders/Skywalkers are in the premiere showing of Alvin and the Chipmunks 3: Chipwrecked. Luke and Leia have been saving up their allowance to buy tickets for three months. Luke has been talking nonstop about it for the past year. Leia just wants to make her mediocre, lackluster twin brother happy out of the goodness of her ethereal heart (she is a goddess).
"I love the way director Mike Mitchell juxtaposes the childlike nature of the chipmunks with the harsh reality of capitalist America," Darth Vader begins. "Their being chipmunks is such an effective analogy for innocence in post-post-Antebellum Western society, and how that is tainted by patriarchal and exploitative media."
Luke rolls his eyes as he is immature and doesn't understand. Leia nods sagely, while internally doubting whether the chipmunks represent innocence or, in fact, whether innocence represents the chipmunks.
Padmé comes back, bearing popcorn for her needy son. "Padmé Amidala is depicted in Star Wars fiction as beautiful and graceful. In Cloak of Deception, she is described as having "a slight figure and a lovely, feminine face as one of the most beautiful, feminine women in Star Wars. She was remarkably solemn for one so young. It was clear that she took her responsibilities with the utmost seriousness."[50] Terry Brooks details the alien Nute Gunray's reaction to her appearance: "She was considered beautiful, Gunray had been told, but he had no sense of human beauty and by Neimoidian standards she was simply colorless and small-featured."[51] Brooks writes that she is "young, beautiful, and serene."[52]" (-Wikipedia)
"Now now," Padmé coos, "what are you two bickering about?" looking pointedly at the men in her family. She angles her chin gracefully to cast a gentle smile at Leia, who is looking up at her mother with loving eyes. Padmé's day is instantly made. She loves feeling like a role model to Leia– but at the same time, she looks up to her daughter immensely, given that she has raised a goddess.
"Padmé, we are TRYING to watch the movie!" Darth screams (at the top of his lungs).
"Sit down, honey! We are at a film! We're not on Naboo anymore, sweetheart!"
Reminder, he is literally yelling and the entire movie theater is grumbling in exasperation at this brooding, exhausting, and pathetic man.
"OH MY GOD DAD!" Luke yell-whispers, throwing bits of popcorn into the air. Kernels fly out of his teeth, landing in Padmé's hair. Leia brushes away at Padmé's locks gingerly, caring for her mother as she has always done.
Ever since Darth started wearing his one-of-a-kind limited edition costume out in public, Padmé has had her doubts about marriage. Of course, she understands that it's important for Darthy to protect his masculinity. But she misses the man she met twenty years ago in the mighty metropoles of Naboo– the man who protected her with a firm yet gentle hand, the man who she knew would not break in the face of danger, yet would never disrespect her. At times, she wakes in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, remembering dreams of earlier, better days. When they would get dinner together by candlelight, and they would walk in the nighttime holding hands afterwards. It feels so real to her– sometimes, she indulges in these fantasies, and it's far too easy to lose touch with what things are really like.
Darth fidgets nervously in his seat, his breaths rising to a piercing volume. He clears his throat vociferously and declares: "I bet Luke forgot to feed Chewbacca!" His voice falters shakily at the end, and his family rolls their eyes at his obvious guilt. Once again, Darth turns to Luke as his scapegoat.
Leia suddenly saves the day as usual, chiming in: "It's okay, Darth! I fed Chewie before we left today. He's been dealing with his hyperthyroidism swimmingly." She offers a half smile, a delightful twinkle in her eyes captivating those around her. All heads in the movie theater are turned to look at her, compelled by an irresistible force. She bows her head coyly yet in a practiced fashion, being used to all the attention from strangers. She doesn't mind it, though– she finds something beautiful and valuable in the face of each one she meets. But there's one face that stands out to her– more than any she has ever seen before. His face gives way to a crooked half-smirk, and she can't help but love his goofy and outdated mullet. Wow, she thinks. He can be my Billy Ray Cyrus any day of the week. She holds his twerpy yet seductive gaze.
The Vaders manage to make it through Alvin and the Chipmunks 3: Chipwrecked, despite Darth's incessant commentary and ragged breathing. After the movie is over, Leia hears footsteps behind her and a voice call out,
"Wait up, your worship!"
Leia twirls swiftly, with the grace of an Olympic figure skater, dazzling in a beam of light directed towards her from the heavens. Han Solo approaches with a grin, jogging to catch up.
"Wanna go for another movie sometime, princess? I heard that Hotel Transylvania 2 is coming out next week."
"Call me Leia." This is the first time she has ever been addressed by a stranger as anything other than "holy goddess" or "your majesty", and so she is relieved by this startling display of humanity. "And I'd love to see Hotel Transylvania 2 with you, dummy." She scrawls her phone number on the back of his hand, offering a smirk to the coy bastard. "See ya later, Solo."
"Hasta la vista, your highness."
She throws him a mischievous smile and struts out of the movie theater. Darth loses the car keys again.
