1. Spring
"My life stinks," said Lorelai. "Hey, let's look into each other's eyes and say 'I wish I were you' at exactly the same time – maybe we'll pull a Freaky Friday!"
"Or we can just pretend that we did and you can go around acting really immature," said Rory. "Oh wait…"
#
Lorelai rolled over, refusing to open her eyes. How could she be this exhausted? She hadn't slept well since… Well, since The Fight. But Rory had called, she wanted her there. It was an olive branch – or maybe just an olive – but when life gives you olives you make martinis. Are non-alcoholics allowed to have martinis in the morning? She bet she could pull off that Cameron Diaz saddest-girl-to-ever-hold-a-martini look. But that would involve leaving the bed. Sounded like a mission for… in a feat of athleticism she stretched out an arm, found the bed empty. Typical selfish Luke, probably up and working by now. She gathered her will and opened her eyes.
She was late for school, mom was going to kill her! The panic wave passed. She was in her old bedroom, but it wasn't the recurring dream of being trapped in her old life. Why couldn't she remember coming over? Having tequila shots with Emily and passing out was as likely an explanation as any. She trudged to the adjoining bathroom, surprised Rory's cute pink and blue pajamas could fit her at all. She did a double-take at the mirror. She could really use a martini right now.
#
Rory rolled over, refusing to open her eyes. This was it, twenty-one. Just not exactly the way she'd pictured it. Well, pictures change, people change. If everyone grew up to be what their kid selves wanted the world would be populated by firefighters and astronauts. And maybe a scattering of Christiane Amanpours… Enough, she was finally doing things her way for a change. So why wasn't she happy? She'd been having the same debate with herself since… Well, since The Fight. She always lost. Sighing, she opened her eyes.
She'd been… kidnapped? The strange room covered in plastic sheets looked like her house. The plastic was probably to keep the CSI teams from super-enhancing any trace of her. Either that or mom was repainting the house without consulting her, which was almost as bad. She didn't remember coming over. Had mom lured her to a coffee shop and spiked her drink? Why hadn't she just slept in her own bed? And where was…
"Mom!" cried Rory.
She jumped as something large and furry scurried into the kitchen. Were rats supposed to get that big?
"Mom!" she tried more urgently.
The house didn't answer.
Gritting her teeth, she slid off the bed and armed herself with… a hideous cowboy boot. Where's them Hattori Hanzo katanas when you really need'em?
"I'm warning you, you… rat!" squeaked Rory, inching towards the kitchen. "This is your last chance." Nothing moved. "Okay, this is your last chance."
Paula Anka barked and Rory screamed.
"Hey, doggo," said Rory, dropping the boot. The tail wagging was a good sign, right? "Either she sold the house and you're with the new owners, or she replaced me with a dog insultingly quickly."
She took a step forward and Paul Anka took a step back, confused.
"Okay, okay, we value our personal space," said Rory, looking around the kitchen. "Looks like there's food in your bowl, that's a good sign. I'll tell you the hamster story when you're older. That dog food is actually starting to look appetizing, let's see how we're doing in the people food department."
She stared in confusion at the fully stocked fridge. "Oh right, Luke!" She made a show of rummaging through the mysterious foliage. "This is useless to me. Food everywhere, and not a bite to eat. Maybe poptarts?"
She stood on tiptoe to check the upper shelves, but found it wasn't really necessary. Things did seem smaller than she remembered. Had they subtly redone the kitchen to pull off some Amelie Poulain gaslighting? Wasn't she a bit old for a growth spurt? Come to think of it, there was something odd with… She rushed to the bathroom mirror.
"Mom!"
#
Rory took giant Lorelai strides to the phone and started dialing. She messed up twice and dropped it when it rang. Should she let the machine get it? If it wasn't mom she did have Lorelai's voice, she'd just promise to call back. But if it was…
"Hello?" Rory whispered.
"Wow, that is so weird," said Lorelai. "I mean, it makes sense, I just wasn't ready, you know? Do I really sound like that? I thought I had more of an Ella Fitzgerald ring."
Rory laughed despite herself. It was so good to hear her again, even in a different voice. "I always thought it was more of a Britney Spears without the auto tune."
"And for that, missy," said Lorelai, "I'm getting a big 'I heart mom' tattoo."
"Wait," said Rory, "hearing it inside your skull, I do see the Fitzgerald angle."
"Good," said Lorelai. "Still getting the tattoo."
"I don't think people are supposed to share the same hallucination," said Rory.
"Maybe it's like Men in Black," said Lorelai, "it happens all the time but people think it's just tabloid garbage."
"Should we look for a doctor?" said Rory.
"I'm not sure we'd convince them," said Lorelai. "You could have studied up on my comprehensive knowledge of obscure pop culture references, I could have read the Cliff Notes on all those books with the tiny font and no pictures."
"Even if we did convince them," said Rory, "some X-Files biohazard suits might come pick us up."
"I would've gone with E.T. biohazard suites, but yeah," said Lorelai.
"So what do we do?" said Rory.
"I say we put all that useless pop culture knowledge to use," said Lorelai. "I've been preparing my whole life for this moment."
"You're actually enjoying this," said Rory.
"Of course not," said Lorelai. "Okay, maybe a little."
"Of course you are, you get the shiny new body," said Rory. "I get the old used one."
"Right," said Lorelai, "I'd stuff some toilet paper in my bra, but I'm too short to use the bathroom mirror."
"Hey, I haven't done that in years!" said Rory. "Everything's sagging here, it's like someone hosed down the Wicked Witch."
"Well, you try having a kid!" said Lorelai.
Rory paused. "I'm scared, mom."
"Me too, kid."
"Should we be looking into, I don't know, mystical options?" said Rory.
"Easy on the butter beer, Hermione," said Lorelai. "Look, in the only precedents we have for this it only lasts a day. Maybe we give it some time before making the down payment on the caldron."
"I guess," said Rory. "Comprehensive knowledge, you say?"
"Comprehensive, baby," said Lorelai. "Of course, we're using the Jamie Lee Curtis version."
"But I don't want to be Lindsay Lohan," said Rory, "I want to be Jodie Foster."
"The pop culture guru hath spokeneth," said Lorelai. "I want to be Jodie Foster too, but she turned down the mom role in the reboot."
"Maybe she moved on and wasn't interested in going back to do more of the same," said Rory.
"I guess," said Lorelai. "But I don't want to be whoever played Jodie's mom."
"Okay, let's pretend she did take the role," said Rory. "Now we can both be Jodie Foster."
"Good thinking," said Lorelai. "In the Lindsay version, it happened because of a fortune cookie. Have you had Chinese lately?"
"Huh?" said Rory.
"Are you multitasking?" said Lorelai. "It sounds like you're multitasking. Unless someone's switched bodies with Paul Anka, I think our thing takes priority."
"Sorry," said Rory, "I was looking it up on Wikipedia. Paul Anka the singer?"
"Um, I kinda got a dog," said Lorelai. "He is still around, right?"
"Yes, he's around," said Rory. "Says here the movie is based on a 1972 novel."
"Can't anyone just go and edit that thing?" said Lorelai. "How reliable can it be?"
"Surprisingly reliable," said Rory. "The plot traces back to a 19th British novel about a boy and a father trading bodies because of a magic stone from India. And I haven't had Chinese this week."
"Well, I haven't had Indian magic stones lately," said Lorelai. "How cool would it be if the British story were based on a real guy that later immigrated to Stars Hollow and passed on the curse?"
"It would be cooler if he hadn't passed it on to us," said Rory.
"Yeah, what a bastard," said Lorelai.
"Okay, we'll give it a day," said Rory. "Now come home and we can barricade the door. Do you have Netflix?"
"Is that what the cool kids are smoking?" said Lorelai.
"They send you DVDs in the mail," said Rory.
"That's nice of them," said Lorelai.
"And you send them money," Rory added.
"There's always a catch," said Lorelai. "But what about our friendly neighborhood video store?"
"It goes the way of the dodo," said Rory.
"It'll be hunted down by dogs and rats?" said Lorelai.
"They've even started producing their own content," said Rory.
"But I like my old content," whined Lorelai.
"If you're a good girl and don't get any sappy tattoos, maybe they'll buy the rights to your old content and make more of it," said Rory.
"Neat," said Lorelai, "I'll definitely get a subscription then."
"We'll just risk a trip to the video store," said Rory.
"You can call in sick," said Lorelai, "Michel can handle the inn. I'm only meeting Luke later for… oh no, the party."
"The party," Rory agreed.
"Any chance we can cancel?" said Lorelai.
"If you think grandma will believe us," said Rory. "And even then she might tell us to fake it."
"Okay," said Lorelai. "If we can't fix it by then we'll fake it. How about your day?"
"I can get out of a DAR Aaron Burr thing," said Rory, "but not the community service."
"Just say you're sick," said Lorelai.
"They'll want a doctor's note," said Rory. "I don't think a note from my mom saying we switched bodies will cut it."
"How about cramps?" said Lorelai.
"It's not P.E., mom," said Rory.
"Fine," said Lorelai. "I didn't do the crime but I'll do the time. Like Shawshank."
"Don't get your hopes up on meeting Morgan Freeman," said Rory.
"I'll settle for Lindsay Lohan," said Lorelai.
"Noted," said Rory, "I'll send you the details. Any other appointments?"
"Ooh," said Lorelai, "my band finally got a gig at the Wango Tango!"
"No, that's Lindsay," said Rory.
"Right," said Lorelai, "that just leaves the electric typewriter exam."
"No, that's Jodie," said Rory. "What's an electric typewriter?"
"Beats me," said Lorelai, "when I was in highschool we used stone tablets and living birds as chisels."
"No, that's the Flintstones," said Rory.
"Really?" said Lorelai. "I could swear we had this big hole in the floor of the jeep."
"No hole," said Rory.
"Fine," said Lorelai. "If I run into Logan, it's only up to second base, right?"
"Mom!"
"Okay, first base it is," said Lorelai. "Honey, Indian magic stones aside, you know how those movies end, right?"
"Yeah," said Rory.
"We all make mistakes," said Lorelai. "What matters is that…"
"Mom, I don't like where we are now any more than you do," said Rory. "But I'm not the only one at fault here! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to call in sick."
