Note: The M rating is only for the fanfiction-joke scenes. Those are written only to poke fun and parody stuff, many are things I have done or read in authors' work. None of this is meant to offend the sensibilities of anyone. This otherwise a T-rated story with some bad language in parts. Please enjoy.
(Sorry I posted this before but fanfiction was having a lot of problems after the turn to 2016. The stats weren't working and I decided to take it down until things were sorted. They seem to be okay now.)
Happy New Year!
Summary: Not all vampire are pale, dour, and effeminate. Not all want to waste their immortality going to raves, repeating high school, and whining endlessly for all eternity. Well, most do.
Then there's Alfred. The most heroic vampire you'll ever meet who craves adventures, the high seas, hamburgers, and his glittery spray tan. Join the adventure as he and his crew of misfits - an exiled Fae Prince from England, a fanfiction-obsessed Hungarian woman with a magical iron frying pan, and Tony, the out of this world Navigator of their magical yacht, try to outwit the Fairy Kings and the Vampire Council and save the world one adventure at a time.
...
"N-no more, A-Amer-r-r-rica," Iggy sobbed. A sharp jerk on his leather leash reminded him of his place.
"No more talking," America growled possessively in Iggy's ear, biting the lobe, continuing to pump in hard and fast. "You're mine. Remember that bitch!"
"Y-Y-Yes, master!" Iggy sniffled, tears and snot streaming into his mouth. He shouldn't enjoy this, but he was so hard. He was being humiliated in all the right ways.
His flesh still stung from the spankings, slapping, and whipping. The bruises of his inner thighs ached with each thrust. Oh, the things America had forced down his throat.
But it felt so good. So wrong.
And for the tenth time that night he came hard. Iggy wept inside.
"Good doggy," America said, petting him. "Now for your reward."
Iggy whimpered as his master brought out the toys. His night had just began.
OOO
(Author Note - Dun dun dun! Oh noes, what will become of Iggy? America so mean! Reviews mean love guys :)
"I am a genius," Elizabeta declared, leaning back in her swivel chair. She threaded her fingers together and put them behind her head. Her eyes scanned over her post one more time. People didn't appreciate good fanfiction anymore.
Glancing at the time and seeing the red digits on her clock read 2:00 am, she yelped, "Crap. I stayed up too late." She added that to her author notes so her readers would know. She couldn't help it, her new story had been so inspired. The erotica had just poured out and she had to share it!
After all, she was the famous FryingPanQueen19 of fanfiction! She had over 80 devoted followers!
She sighed, realizing she had no time for a shower tonight and would take care of it in the morning. Her light-brown hair felt a little oily and she hadn't washed her face yet.
Massaging the bridge of her nose, she posted her new story and then shut the computer. After crawling into bed, she couldn't wait to see tomorrows response. Reviews made her heart glow! Even the trollish ones that called her a rotten woman, well, maybe not those. Still, she lived for the views!
After changing into her night gown, she snuggled into bed, relishing the cottony sheets and quilted bedspread. While she was on a ship, the Queen Mab, there was no sensation of rocking. When Arthur crafted the inside with magic, he made sure to make it where the ship's swaying on the ocean wouldn't be felt inside.
Or that's what Arthur told her.
Sometimes she thought it'd be nice to be rocked asleep. Shutting her eyes, she was out fast.
Elizabeta woke and nearly jumped into her seat. The cramped room only allowed just enough space between her bed and desk for the chair. After opening her computer and logging in, she scanned the story stats and fist-pumped in joy. "The Mile High Club", her new steampunk AU, was a hit. Fifteen likes, eight favs, and three reviews! All in one night.
She quickly clicked on the reviews and read each:
Tony chapter 1 (1 hour ago)
Daaaaam, girl. That was the bomb! Luv what happened to that fucking limey! He had it cuming! lol. Get it? Next update, hope America uses anal beads and some enemas on that limey bastard!
The Hero chapter 1 (30 minutes ago)
Wat the fudge did I read? Like wow... Iggy... wow. U write gud, but dang. Poor Iggy! Can 2 really fit in there? A real hero wuldn't do that!
Jet'aime chapter 1 (3 hours ago)
Mon chere, your talent for perversion never ceases to amaze me! Ah, little Iggy - So cute how he begged. Tears suit his cute face. I await your next update!
Eliabeta sat back, glowing with pride as she thought, "Three reviews". And the view count! Over 200! In just seven hours!
She was famous! Even the great Samurai-sama4 might fav her works now. He was a tentacle porn master who could make you feel for the characters - even the tentacles!
She had her page set to moderate anonymous reviews. Deciding to moderate and see if she mad more she clicked on the side bar and saw one listed. The review read:
guest chapter 1 (2 minutes ago)
You are DEAD, Eliza.
"Crap," she said, just as the door of her cabin was thrown open to reveal a furious and beat-red Arthur standing there. She slapped the computer shut. "Igg- I mean Arthur, how are you?"
His left eye twitched, a vein visible in his square forehead. His nostrils flared with each exhale. In a tight voice, he asked, "What did I say about posting lies about me and Alfred?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," she said innocently. "I've not posted anything about you and Alfred's love affair."
"There is no love affair! We're business partners!" Arthur shouted. "And I certainly would never let him do any of that to me! And I wouldn't bawl like some damsel about it! I'd ripped the smarmy's gits throat out and watch him eat it!"
"Any of what?" She smiled, lifting a slender eyebrow as Arthur's face got redder and redder.
"Delete it," Arthur said.
She coiled a lock of her light-brown hair around her finger. "My story was about Iggy, who happens to be from England, and America, who… well you can guess where he is from."
Arthur's eyes narrowed. "Don't play dumb. Iggy just happens to have my features? And America just happens to have Alfred's?"
"They aren't the same. America," she explained, "wears glasses. Alfred doesn't. And Iggy is two inches shorter than you with a unibrow. Yours is just thick. His eyes are lime green. Yours are forest-green with a bit of hazel. Completely different."
Arthur's eyes twitched again. "Take it down. Now."
"But it'll be my most popular yet," Elizabeta pleaded. "And it isn't about you! It's about Iggy! Iggy Malfoy and America Potter. It's a Harry Potter AU."
"Based on your perverted fantasy of me and Alfred," Arthur grated.
"About Iggy and America who have nothing to do with you. In real life you are a Fae Prince and Alfred is a vampire," she said. "But Iggy is a Slytherin who is good at cooking," Arthur's glare deepened, "who accidentally curses himself while trying to undo his werewolf curse. His new curse makes him turn horny and into a werewolf if he's not screwed by a seme within an hour. And Alf— I mean America is a Griffindor who was turned into an incubus by magic. He needs sex with a uke frequently and so… well they're perfect for each other!"
"Do you ever listen to yourself?" Arthur asked flatly. "That is the stupidest plot I've ever heard of! What moron would read that?"
"Oh, over a hundred and counting ~" she said proudly.
"Have you no shame?"
"Of course not. I'm a fanfic author."
He slapped a hand against his forehead. "You honestly expect me to believe it's not based on me and Alfred. They travel in a ship."
"An airship," she corrected. "Because it's steampunk. We travel in a magical yacht. No relation."
"Let me guess. After a ton of ridiculous and anatomically-impossible sex they fall in love at the end?" Arthur said dryly, crossing his arms.
"I haven't decided. I just make it up as I go along," she said with a grin. "But maybe some tentacle porn would be fun…Oh and America has a traumatic past that explains his dark behavior and helps Iggy forgive him for his abusive ways!"
"You… you…" he stared at it. "That's not how you write! That's not how characters are developed! A person does not go through horrible abuse and turn around say, 'Oh, you went through it as well! Well then, all's forgiven! Let's have a shag!' It's ridiculous and that dialogue! Why do none of your British characters sound British!"
"They says git and bloody," she defended.
"And they call 'rubbish' trash! They call 'lifts' elevators! Boots are trunks! And don't get me started on how they use 'quite'!"
"Art, it's no big deal. So the English speak quite like Americans."
"Take it down."
"C'mon Arthur. Fanfic could be a great way for you to accept your repressed sexual desires for Al."
At that comment, Arthur's eyes lit up. She saw the explosion coming and grabbed her iron frying pan — iron was how you deal with a fairy.
Click.
Alfred snapped another selfie as he posed shirtless in the cushioned interior of his coffin. He looked at it and deleted it. It needed a more gritty gaze. One that said 'do you need heroic assistance?' His instagram fans would love it. Who couldn't love the heroic him?
He had over 200, 000 fans of TheHero4ever69.
"GET BACK HERE!" He heard Arthur roar from down the hallway and heard Elizabeta's hurried foot steps run by his cabin door, followed by Arthur's heavier one.
Alfred sighed and hopped out of his comfy coffin with the American-flag blanket, pillow and his stuffed teddy bear. It sounded like Arthur had read Elizabeth's new fanfic.
Tony had texted the link to Alfred earlier with a "You gotta read this shit. Too funny! The Limey will fucking lose it!"
Alfred had no doubt Tony had also sent the link to Arthur who probably read it first thing in the morning when he woke up and saw that text. As a vampire, mornings were Alfred staying up late. He knew he should start sleeping, but with Arthur and Elizabeta yelling from the dining area, there would be no sleeping now.
He stopped and picked up one of the silver canisters of Brazilian Sparkle Spray from the table, shook it, and sprayed a light coat over his toned chest. He couldn't stand being pale like most vampires and he loved the way it made his skin dazzle and sparkle like diamonds in light.
He would sometimes piss Arthur off by looking at the Brit with his sexiest gaze and asking, "Do I dazzle you?"
Plus it was rich in vitamin E — it said so on the canister — and that surely couldn't be bad for a young vampire.
Then he headed out the door to heroically save Elizabeta who was circling the polished pine table with Arthur running in a circle after her. She kept hefting her iron frying pan — the only thing that neutralized the Fae Prince's magic — and he would stop, hesitating until she dropped a new comment about the fanfic and that set Arthur off again.
They might have kept going until Tony appeared in the oval mirror on the wall.
"Are you idiots done?" Tony said. His grey, bulbous head and large insect-like red eyes in the mirror. He was the Navigator and stayed up to guide the ship.
"Hey Tony!" Alfred said with a yawn.
Elizabeta stopped in her tracks and so did Arthur.
"Great story, Liz," Tony said. "I love how you stuck it too that Iggy fellow."
"Rot in hell," Arthur said, grinding his teeth. "Is there some reason you're blathering?"
"Well, limey bastard, Al's whale came back from scouting. We'll reach the island by sunset," he said.
"Oh good, I can get some heroic beauty sleep until then," Alfred said. "And maybe some fresh blood." He was tired of the blood bags. Arthur only gave him blood when he had to go out in the sun. Without that incredibly-delicious fae blood, Alfred would be American barbecue within minutes.
He wished there was a way to make blood taste like hamburgers. Then being a vampire would suck less. He chuckled at his own joke.
"Good. I could use some earth under my feet," Arthur said. "I feel so cut off being at sea all the time."
"By the way, Liz, are you free to roleplay around noon? Your post inspired me to update mine. Since someone got me blocked and taken down on fanfic I've had to use Archive," Tony said, directing a glare at Arthur.
"Your work was vile," Arthur said.
"The Limey Bastard Gets Bukkake'd was a stroke of genius," Tony defended. "Anyhow, I'd like to roleplay if you're free on a new story."
"Don't you dare," Arthur said.
"Go ahead. Try to get me blocked," Tony said, grey lips in the smile.
"That is it!" Arthur snapped. "I'm going to write the most disgusting fic of you two ever. You'll see how it feels."
"You mean us? Together?" Elizabeta and Tony looked repulsed.
"Ew," Alfred said. "Arthur that's gross."
"Have you no decency?" Elizabeta said. "No one wants to read about Tony and Elizabeta. If you're going to write a non-con about me atleast put thought into my pairings."
"That's right," Tony agreed. "There are limits. If you're going to post your revolting perversions, think about the pairing. And also that I'm a top. Always."
"It's true. As fanfic writer, I'm touched you're thinking of me, but you can't act out your sick desires on just any pairing. That's like adding an OC. Think of your readers."
Arthur's mouth worked as he looked beyond furious.
"You're all idiots! Insane idiots! And you!" He pointed an accusing finger at Alfred. "Why are you not offended by this?"
"By what?"
"Them writing you like that! They made you a rapist!"
"They're writing about dark America. Duh," he said. "A fictional character."
"Are you stupid! It's clearly you!"
"Artie, you're being sensitive. America wears glasses. I don't," he said. "Duh."
"I hate you all!" Arthur said and stormed off.
"Drama queen," Tony said, shaking his head. "Limey bastard drama queen."
Once he was gone, Elizabeta turned to Tony and was like "Yeah, so I'm free then. I was thinking we need to spice it up."
"How about triple penetration?"
"Oooh," Elizabeta squealed. "And I was thinking we bring in some watersports! And an escape attempt that fails and America has to punish him badly."
Alfred shook his head as they had worse and worse ideas. Why was everyone on this ship weird?
The only thing anyone really needed to get excited about were the pictures on his instagram account. And hamburgers.
Stretching, he yawned and padded back to his room.
Alfred just went back to get some sleep.
This was life aboard the Queen Mab, a magical ship disguised as a yacht that sailed the world.
(Note — Thank you for reading! This is more a comedy and a parody than anything serious. It doesn't just poke fun at fanfiction and hetalia, I also borrow from other genres. The sparkly spray tan is a reference to glittering vampires in twilight.
Many posts may be out of chronological order just because I want to write a gag.)
