Hello fellow Potter fans. This story came to me in dream form (I was Harry) and I just can't get it out of my head (not that I want to). It's a bit sad, in a bittersweet way, since it stars Sirius and Lupin. Trigger warning for a suicide attempt.
Like a Bad Dream
Setting: Number 12 Grimmauld Place, 1996
Part 1:
Harry Potter had been nursing a bad feeling all day. He wasn't one to put much stock in such things, and figured in any case that it was perfectly natural to have such low-level uneasy feelings just about all the time these days, what with Voldemort being back and all. It was becoming more and more difficult to brush off as just a baseline state as the day wore on, however.
As he followed Remus Lupin down Grimmauld Place, approaching the blank space between 11 & 13, it became acutely worse. He had been looking forward to getting back to Headquarters—well, as much as one could look forward to being in that drab, depressing place—pretty much since they left on their errand, since they had to leave Sirius behind, alone. Wanted (wrongly or otherwise) "criminals" not being welcome in most shops these days, and Snuffles's cover suspected blown at King's Cross and all.
Sirius had been alarmingly down lately, almost depressed, if wizards could get such mundane muggle maladies like depression. Harry knew it had to do with being cooped up in the most depressing house imaginable with the most depressing memories—and it couldn't help being alone most of the time either.
Harry lengthened his stride as this feeling got worse and worse, and he noticed Lupin quickening his pace to remain a step ahead of him. Harry didn't like the look on Lupin's face…almost like he was getting a bad feeling too. As Sirius's best living friend, it seemed unlikely that he hadn't noticed Sirius's progressively darkening mood.
Lupin rushed through the door as soon as it appeared and just as quickly as he could get it unlocked. The second they crossed the threshold they knew that something really was wrong.
It was too quiet, and much, much too clean. Sirius wasn't much of a cleaner. Despite living in the most perilously dirty house any of them had ever been in, he was content to let the job of tidier remain firmly in Molly Weasley's lap. But glancing around first the foyer, and then as they rushed forward seeing the pristine state of the kitchen, it just felt so, final. Like Sirius was trying to leave everything in order for them. Like, as if, as if to say "ok, now that's done, I can leave." Neither of them could explain to themselves why the sight of those clear & shining countertops left this dark impression on them, and they had difficulty putting it in words when asked later, but they knew, they knew that something was very wrong.
It hit Harry like a punch to the gut, like walking straight into a wall, that his bad feeling had been justified, that somehow he had known that something really was wrong, and had just brushed it aside, pushed it down until he had half-convinced himself it was nothing. Now he felt, somehow, that he would regret that forever. But that was ridiculous… Trying not to panic, Harry called out for Sirius, almost tentatively.
"Sirius?"
As if it were no big deal. As if he expected Sirius to answer from a distant room.
He didn't.
Harry had a terrible, heavy, sick, sinking sensation that they had gotten home too late.
"Sirius?!" Lupin too, was trying not to panic, trying not to give in to that terrible feeling. Terrified of the silence, of the finality of how clean it was, and of Harry's face, telling him that he wasn't imagining this, that something was very wrong. He called out again, rushing forward to check the next room, Harry lurching ahead of him in his sick fear.
"Sirius!?"
"Sirius!"
And then, as they crossed into the dining room they found him, suspended from a bracket in the celling.
"SIRIUS!"
"Sirius! Nooo!"
His eyes were open but unseeing, half-lidded, mouth agape, limbs hanging limply, swaying gently with a rope around his neck, clearly dead.
Too late. They were too late.
Harry screamed, screamed from the bottom of that pit his stomach had sunk into. Screamed so forcefully that somehow the sound didn't all quite make it past the constriction in his chest and the lump in his throat and only partially came out, all hoarse and shrill sounding. He stared at his godfather's slack face and his own face twisted into a sob as he noticed tears drying on Sirius's cheeks.
Barely able to pause for air, Harry screamed again, long, and this one, more audible. How could this be? How could Sirius have done this? Left him alone, again? Parentless, again? Was everyone who loved him destined to die? …God, how could he—? Don't let him be dead, please don't let him be dead.
As if galvanized by Harry's screams, Lupin wasted no time, gritting his teeth against his own scream, against his own pleas…oh God, his best friend…whipping out his wand he cried:
"Relashio!" freeing Sirius's neck from the noose. As he began to plummet to the floor, Lupin caught him with a cushioning charm:
"Molliare!" It was amazing that he sounded as calm as he did. Barely a wobble in the word to reveal his despair…his best friend, more of a brother…Lupin reached for Sirius's limp body, needing to feel him, hoping for a pulse.
Of course there was none.
Now Harry was again able to move, able to think. If Lupin was acting with such haste to get Sirius free, he must think that there could still be a chance. He rushed to Sirius's side as Lupin did, reaching to touch his godfather, feeling the same compulsion as Lupin.
"He's warm, he's still warm!" Harry shouted desperately to Lupin, seeing the despair on Lupin's face as he searched fruitlessly for a pulse. Harry needed that urgency, that hope—which Lupin had displayed just moments ago—to come back.
Lupin only then noticed what should have been obvious. Sirius's neck was, despite being pulse-less, still warm. They had missed his death by moments. He might have heard them entering the door, calling for him only a few rooms away as he hung there, fading…maybe that's why there were tears on his face —No… that realization was just too terrible, pain constricted Lupin's chest at the thought …We were too late… oh, please Sirius, don't let it be too late… Lupin pointed his wand at Sirius's still chest and paused a moment, just one, to compose himself.
We just got you back. Twelve dark, wasted years and now, and now…you only just got back…I just got you back…I can't, I can't lose you now…God, there's got to be something…Wracking his brain Lupin desperately searched for a healing charm that might restart a wizard's heart. He didn't know if it would work, but he had to try.
"Rennervate!" Lupin choked.
The look on Lupin's face was painful to behold, but the desperate grief in his voice was worse. Harry didn't know if that spell would do any good, if there was anything even a trained healer could do for Sirius at this point, but he had to try.
"Rennervate!" Harry mimicked.
They continued like this, one after the other, pausing only for breath. As they continued to work on Sirius without success tears began to drip from Lupin's shaking, desperately working face, as he struggled to keep himself and his voice in control. As he watched Lupin's tears dripping down onto Sirius's chest Harry noticed for the first time that his own face and neck were wet, realizing then that he had been crying for some time now. No, no we're not giving up. Screwing up his own face against the pain of it and throwing all of his love and need for his godfather into the spell, he bellowed:
"RENNERVATE!" followed half a heartbeat later by Lupin's similarly emotionally charged cry "RENNERVATE!"
Sirius jerked.
He gasped, mouth and throat convulsing with the effort to get air past his damaged windpipe, pupils working to focus as he blinked repeatedly, heart pumping, chest rising and falling and alive, Sirius took a tortured breath.
Lupin rushed to heal his neck, not quite able to bring himself to look for awareness in those eyes yet—what if there wasn't any?—and so focused fixedly on the ugly bruise which encircled Sirius's neck, first working to mend anything that was broken:
"Brackium emendo!"
Then attempting a wound healing spell to repair all the tissue damage:
"Vulnera sanentur," and hearing the improvement in breathing as his crushed trachea began to expand—Sirius had sounded like he was trying to breathe through a wet straw—Lupin continued chanting the healing spell until Sirius spoke.
"Re—Remus…"
Lupin broke off, eyes snapping to Sirius's he dropped his wand to exchange it for Sirius's shoulder, unable to do anything but hold on tight as he looked Sirius full in the face, barely able to choke out a response as their gaze locked and he saw the awareness, the person he was so afraid would be gone forever staring back at him.
"Sirius," voice cracking as one last sob slipped his control, "I'm here, we're here…we've got you."
A fresh tear rolled down Sirius's cheek as Remus gazed at him so intensely, squeezing his shoulder as if he might still slip away if Remus didn't hold on tight enough, at the little sob he couldn't quite keep out of his voice as he realized that Sirius was ok, and at his words…I'm here… He should have gone to Remus weeks ago, he thought as the next tear fell, should have trusted that he would have his back…we've got you…of course he did.
Harry stared at his godfather through this interaction, just stared, convincing himself that this was real, that he was really alive… and then at Lupin's last words Harry dropped his own wand and with shaking hands grabbed Sirius's wrist, as if to check his pulse again, holding on for dear life, and only able to utter one word.
"Sirius… Sirius?" Sirius turned to him, gazing at his godson, this miracle of a child who looked just like his dead best friend and had all his best personality traits too. The boy who saved him from the dementor's kiss only hours after thinking that it had been him who had betrayed his parents and had been trying to kill him. One of the only things in this cold dark world that brought him joy, and, along with Remus, one of the two people he loved most in the world.
Sirius half sat up, supported by Lupin, reaching out for his godson.
"Harry, oh Harry, I'm so sorry." At hearing his godfather's voice, seeing his eyes lit again with fire and love and regret and life Harry fell into his arms, trying to be gentle but needing to hold him. Sirius's eyes softened as he enfolded his godson in a hug, and then smiled as Lupin wrapped his arms in turn around the both of them and said gently:
"You idiot. Don't you know how much we love you? We just got you back…" Lupin breathed, still too upset, too full of wonder and too grateful to be truly mad.
"I am an idiot," Sirius barked mirthlessly, then sobered. "Something dark came over me and it just felt like you'd all be better off if I was gone."
"Never." Lupin stated firmly.
"Never." Harry agreed.
"I know I…Something happened when everything went dark…"
-end of Part 1-
I am supremely sorry if I did trigger anyone with Sirius's suicide. I did not mean to glorify death, and I know that I didn't exactly linger on any of the more unsavory details (like having him soil himself or anything)…but I tried to focus the story more on Harry & Lupin's pain than the physical details.
We all have Remus Lupins in our lives, willing to stay with us night and day if that's what it takes for us to stay with them. Reach out to them if you're feeling suicidal, ask for help. Don't wait until it's too late. If you can't get ahold of them, call or chat with the hotline to get you through it in the meantime:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday
Don't listen to the darkness telling you anyone would be better off without you—that's a lie. The world & your loved ones would be much much worse off without you. Get into therapy or something to help you learn strategies to deal with such negative thoughts and get through the dark times.
Hugs and love, and thanks for reading (reviews welcome)!
~ Caroline
Oh PS: there will be 2 more chapters (already written, just editing a bit), so look out for those.
