Resident Parody 4

By BahamutZERO

Disclaimer: Capcom owns Resident Evil, not me.

Chapter 1-1

WOOOOSSSHHHH!

Leon: 1998... (sigh)... I forgot about it. Did something important happen then-?

WOOOOOOOSSSSHHH!

(Leon is sitting in a car with two Spanish cops)

Leon: I was assigned to the president's security detail. That very day, Ashley Graham, the president's daughter was kidnapped. Why they sent only me is really confusing. I mean, why just one man?

Cop 1: Hey, tell us where you're from, so we can stalk and rape you. I mean, so we know where you live.

Cop 2: Yeah, you're a long way from home, cowboy.

Leon: Guess that's a local's way of breaking the ice. Anyway, my job is to-

Cop 1: Rescue president's daughter, we know.

Leon?

Cop 1: You said all that out loud.

Leon: I did? That was supposed to be an inner monologue.

Cop 2: Psychic powers, cowboy.

(they stop so one of the cops can take a piss)

Cop 1: (taking a piss) Ahhh... ohhhh... touch me down there cowboy... Whoa, it got cold all of a sudden. (returns the car) Sorry it took so long, I was masturba- I mean, I had a lot to drink before we left.

(the car comes to a stop)

Cop 1: This is the village. Maybe when you come back, we can go sing at a boy scout bonfire-

Cop 2: Save it. Anyway, we'll watch the car. Don't want to get any parking tickets.

Leon: Right. Parking tickets.

Cop 1: Shit, we got one just now! (a parking ticket materializes on the windshield) I knew we shouldn't have parked here!

(radio scene)

Leon: Who's there?

Hunnigan: Hi Leon. I'm Ingrid Hunnigan. I'll be your support for this mission.

Leon: Damn, girl, you're hot. I'd like to do you in the ass.

Hunnigan: ...

Leon: ...

BEOOOP

(Leon enters the first cabin)

Leon: Uh, excuse me, sir? (no response) I was wondering if you might recognize the girl in this photograph? Damn, she's hot. I'd like to do her in the ass.

Man: What the fuck do you want? Get out of here, you bastard!

Leon: Sorry to have bothered you, fuck nut.

(the man picks up a balloon and swings it at Leon; he dodges out of the way)

Leon: Alright, freeze! I said freeze! Drop the balloon!

(Leon shoots the man and he falls dead. He hears several others outside)

Leon: Shit!

(radio scene)

Hunnigan: What happened, Leon?

Leon: I was attacked by a hostile local. I had no choice but naturalize- nurtualize...

Hunnigan: Neutralize?

Leon: Yeah, that's it.

Hunnigan: Head for the village. Take whatever measures necessary to save the subject.

Leon: Heh... "whatever measures necessary." I'm going to expand that to include ass pounding.

Hunnigan: Leon, I'm still here.

Leon: Huh?

Hunnigan: I can hear you, Leon.

Leon: ...

Hunnigan: ...

BEOOOP

(radio scene)

Hunnigan: How ya holding up, Leon?

Leon: Wrong question, Hunnigan. You should've asked "Can I get it up?" HAHAHA!

Hunnigan: Leon, that's not very funny.

Leon: Sorry.

Hunnigan: I'm sending you a Playing Manual.

Leon: Thanks, I'll have a look at it... wait, how can you send me a Playing Manual over the radio?

Hunnigan: ...

Leon: ...

BEOOOP

(Leon makes it to the village and has a shoot out with the locals. The bell starts to ring)

Local: Tenemos que irons. (We have to go)

Another Local: Es una hora de Bingo. (It's time for Bingo)

Leon: Where's everyone going...? Bingo?

Local: Be, siete! Be, siete! Ene, ventidos! Ene, ventidos!

Leon: ...

(Leon makes it to the cabin where he hears a pounding noise. He opens the cabinet and a man falls out)

Leon: Hold on, I'll untie you. (takes the tape off)

Luis: A little rough don't you think? (Leon picks him up and slams him on the floor, face down) OW!

Leon: (untying his ropes) I'm not one of them, don't worry. (unties the ropes and punches Luis in the face)

Luis: What's your problem, amigo?

Leon: Sorry.

Luis: Anyway, I have one very important question? You got a smoke?

Leon: ...

Luis: What's wrong?

Leon: Ummmm... are you aware of Capcom's anti-smoking message?

Luis: Huh?

Leon: Everyone in this game who smokes or even asks for a smoke, dies.

Luis: ...

Leon: ...

(someone approaches from outside)

Luis: Oh no, it's the big cheese of the village.

(a huge cheese wedge enters the room)

Leon: No problem. (Leon roundhouse kicks the cheese, but he bounces off and slams into a wall, unconscious)

Next up: Chapter 1-2