Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or the other characters in any way, shape or form…sigh
Oh Unholy Night
Summary: The title says it all; it's an Akatsuki Crack-fic Christmas two-shot!
Christmas Eve
Pain had been tinkering with the idea of Christmas which spread good-will and peace on Earth etc. for some time now. The rain shinobi thought that maybe he could take a step back from his bring-peace-through-pain idea and give it a try; well, Konan had actually dared him but the former reason sounded much more insightful. Anyways, if this Saint Nicholas could convert the members of the Akatsuki then perhaps there was hope for the rest of the world.
Pain contemplated his idea further after sending Konan to summon his delightful band of criminals.
The duo of Itachi and Kisame were last to arrive in the meeting room thanks to Kisame who insisted on watching the last couple of minutes of H2O Just Add Water while repainting his nails (because Purple Blurple Berry Crush #5 made him look so much more intimidating). Leader was absent but Konan stood quietly by his big-ass throne. (Yes, that's what all the money was going, that and Pain's many piercings)
Baleful onyx eyes quietly scanned the room taking in all the room's other occupants. Deidara was for the umpteenth time trying to wring the life out of Tobi, Kakuzu and Hidan were once again at each other's throats; apparently the silver haired shinobi had broken into one of Kakuzu's many safes to purchase some ghastly artifact needed for one of his ritual sacrifices to Jashin, though the Uchiha merely thought this was some ploy to set off Kakuzu since the rain-nin could have just stolen the item. Itachi was mildly curious as to why the former Yugakure-nin was still alive, it was no secret that Kakuzu loved money fiercely and hated spending it, and the fact that they still relied on candles as a light source in majority of the rooms and had no hot water was testament to that.
Kakuzu was at the moment sowing every religious symbol known to man and several to the fish-nin of the Land Hidden in the Mist into the skin of the now unconscious Hidan. The Jashin follower may be immortal but even he would succumb to being bludgeoned in the head fifty times, Itachi had counted.
Moving down the line of their merry little psychotic group, Kisame was talking to Samehada (nothing new there), the black and white sides of Zetsu were conversing with each other about something the Uchiha wouldn't bother to give a rat's ass about since he heard the words 'garden rose', 'hot' and 'good-time.' Deciding he didn't want to further emotionally scar himself he determinedly fixed his gaze to Leader's throne hoping to whatever god would listen that the shinobi would hurry up already.
When Leader finally arrived the room went quiet except for the sound of Kakuzu repeatedly kicking Hidan with a "wake up idiot!" thrown in.
Once the Leader had everyone's attention he let his gaze flit across each member before settling in one direction where he could look at everyone at once, "I have been thinking long and hard about this and have finally come to the conclusion that it is time to celebrate Christmas."
Several crickets that were brave enough to take residence in the Akatsuki compound made themselves known.
After a long pause in which the crickets got bored then left to have a party in Tobi's room, Itachi, as emotionless as ever and in mono tones, expounded the whole thing so he would have a justifiable reason to flee the organization once and for all. Konoha and his foolish little brother's well-being could rot in the hell they placed themselves before he'd stooped this low. "So what you're saying is that we, the Akatsuki, a notorious blood thirsty band of S-ranked criminals are to allow some overweight elf to break into our home and instead of stealing our belongings he shall leave presents?"
"Yes." Leader sat straighter in his big-ass throne, "we will also partake in the Secret Santa."
It was then that the Sharingan wielder was sure without a shadow of a doubt that Leader was well and truly off his rocker, in fact his was so far off his rocker that the Uchiha was sure that the man wasn't even aware he had a rocker. Just by the fact alone that Leader wanted this celebration in the middle of the summer season despite the well known fact that the Christmas celebrations were to occur in the height of the winter season; he wasn't even touching the fact that he wanted the Akatsuki to celebrate it.
His other associates were none too quiet in expressing their views.
"You're fucking insane!" Hidan was bloody faced and was scarcely covered by the remainder of his Akatsuki robe from his earlier spat with Kakuzu and was either totally unaware of the various religious symbols that now criss-crossed his body or just didn't care at the moment. However, Leader ignored his input and the missing-nin would later thank Jashin in retrospect.
Kakuzu was silently seething at the amount of money they would have to spend but not even he would openly defy Leader unlike a certain immortal rain-nin Jashinist moron, he just wasn't that stupid or nor even remotely immortal. He calmly took a couple paces away from his idiot partner just in case Leader changed his mind and decided to retaliate.
"Tobi likes the idea!" The masked shinobi was clapping like the lunatic he was then gesturing madly at the blond bomber.
His blond partner narrowed his blue eye at Tobi, "You would." though he voiced no objections of his own.
Kisame didn't really care as long as he could still kill people afterwards and Tobi stayed the hell away from him.
Zetsu just gave a nonchalant shrug though he was secretly more excited than Tobi at the prospect of celebrating Christmas for another reason entirely.
Konan was as stoic as ever and Leader had one of those vague faraway looks babies got when they went number 2.
The crickets found Tobi's secret stash of sake and rejoiced at their good fortune. (I mean come on, there is no way he can be that damn happy all the time without being on something!)
We were led around the circle of ninjas back to Itachi, who thought this was no doubt a waste of time and money because as far as he was concerned as, they were all psychotic lunatics that were destined and cursed by whatever god out there to rot for all eternity in hell. No amount of Christmas cheer would save them from fate. A fate which he had decided to accept because there was no way in hell he would ever go back to living with civilians; he would never admit this out loud to anyone but fangirls unnerved him (because saying the word scared would make him sound like a ninny and he was anything but), add ninja skills to the mix and they became a danger to his very existence. He could trap them in Tsukuyomi but not even he had that much chakra reserves. Long story short he was in this for the long haul.
Konan passed a small bag around the room from which the Akatsuki members drew a little slip of paper until all of them are holding one. A few grumbles echoed around the room as the men and Konan look at the names scrawled across the parchment, except for Tobi who decided to break out in dance.
Leader's voice silenced Tobi's happy dance that looked vaguely like a rain dance but I'm no expert, "The point is that you now have to buy a special Christmas present for the name written on the paper. (Kakuzu's eye twitches) And no one is allowed to know whose name you have. The identity is supposed to remain a secret until Christmas Day."
Hidan who makes it a point to oppose Leader at every turn snatches and looks at Kakuzu's paper.
After a long pause in which a slight breeze passed through the room which was strange considering that no windows were in the area, Konan gave a dry cough which caused Leader to come blinking out of another one of his dazed stupors, "We shall begin preparations immediately. Tonight shall be the Eve of Christmas so we most gather the necessary decorations and cookies to ensure the Santa Claus' arrival, do not fail me. You all are dismissed."
Tobi jumped up and pointed in no particular direction, "To the store!"
The trip to the store and back was uneventful and went off without a hitch…pfft as if! Here's what really happened…
The Akatsuki Christmas items retrieval group consisted of Kakuzu (because he'd be damned if he let the others run loose in a store with his money), Hidan (because he wanted to piss off Kakuzu and try to buy the most expensive things possible), Itachi, Kisame and Deidara (because Leader threatened them to), and Tobi (because he follows his senpai where ever he goes). Well he doesn't try to follow Deidara into the bathroom anymore, after that first mistake let's just say Tobi will never look at another tooth brush the same way again and leave it at that. Tobi still has nightmares of that terrible day…
Zetsu was in the forest choosing (Read: molesting) the would-be Christmas tree.
Konan was absent her excuse being because she felt like it and had better things to do than to waste her free day babysitting a bunch of manic lunatics. She was last seen marching determinedly to her room with the latest copy of the Icha Icha Series. (We all know Konan's a little perverted freak!)
Upon their immediate arrival several people ran screaming for their lives some of which slammed into light poles in their crazed state, knocking them unconscious. Others, mostly fangirls stayed and tried to pinch Itachi's ass or at the very least take a picture of the missing-nin…well good luck with that!
The orange masked-nin immediately ran through all the isles asking on the top of his lungs if he could have every toy or sugary sweet he came upon. Deidara tried to knock him out with his exploding doves because if he tried to kill him Leader would kick his ass from here to the netherworld.
Itachi, after deciding he didn't want to stay for the upcoming mega explosion he knew Deidara would cause did an about face and headed to the nearest café with Kisame skipping after him. Okay, so Kisame didn't actually skip but the way he always followed the Uchiha made one think he skipped, but he's following Itachi so who would blame him for skipping? But ninja's didn't skip; especially giant man-shark missing mist-nins…no matter how much they wanted to. It was just too undignified unlike wearing nail polish and robes with poufy red clouds on it; that was definitely acceptable.
The Sharingan wielder paused momentarily as Kakuzu saw if fit to yell that he better not spend all his money on some chocolaty girly frou-frou drink but the Uchiha just looked at him in a way that made sure you knew he was calling you 'foolish' then disappeared with half the female population and a few males gushing after him.
In under an hour and several traumatized civilians later, Kakuzu unwillingly paid for their purchases which included a box of Christmas ornaments, Sally Hansen's 4Ever Chic Nail Polish Collection and Motions Shampoo and Conditioning Kit along with the Secret Santa presents. Why they paid for the items instead of steeling them was all thanks to Leader who said that Santa knew all and wouldn't visit if they stole. (However, blackmail, mass homicide and the pursuit of world domination was easily overlooked) His reason was obviously flawed or meant that Santa would not be making any impromptu visits to the mass murders' abode. The authoress would have tried to reason with Leader-sama but seeing how she loved to retain her mortality and sanity she thought it best not to.
Anyways, how the ninjas managed to get hard-up Kakuzu to loosen his grip on the purse strings was all thanks to Hidan, who by a series of unfortunate events which led to him doing his own laundry, discovered the waterfall missing-nin's fetish for wearing women's underwear. He took great liberty and glee in reminding his partner of this fact.
Kakuzu would later in his candle-lit room silently weep at the loss of his old friends; the famous family and their relatives that all went by the common name of Yen.
Once they were over the crest of a hill that border the village, Deidara paused looking at the sad scene left behind. It wasn't enough that they had traumatized over half the village's population and destroyed several landmarks and prominent buildings, oh no, the blond bomber didn't think this was nearly enough so he let loose his C4 bomb on the unsuspecting village claiming that he liked the dancing lights and screams of flaming villagers.
Later…
When the group finally arrived at the Akatsuki compound, they split up to begin the decorating. Konan was making boughs of holly and lanterns with her paper origami jutsu, after Leader threatened to have Itachi burn her stash of Icha Icha. Itachi and Kisame were putting up the lanterns; since Kakuzu drew the line at wasting electricity. Leader was locked in his room reading mangas under the guise of doing 'research'. (Perverts I tell yah, every last one of them. Except for Itachi, he was acting for the sake of his foolish 'ungrateful' little brother)
Deidara wandered around the Akatsuki compound with Tobi in tow simply because despite his incredibly high level of genius, he could not come up with a way to get rid of him, permanently that is without getting in trouble with Leader. Though why the red haired man wanted this nuisance around was beyond the blond's own understanding.
The blond paused with Tobi nearly bumping into him to take in the redecorated room.
There was a sorry looking pine tree in the middle of the room that was guarded fiercely by Zetsu who was also adorning it with a few ornaments. Half its needles were missing and a person-like shape was visible at one side of the tree…okay.
Tobi took off running (Read: bouncing) around the room screaming that he was a good boy and that he would receive the most gifts from the elf with a weight problem to Hidan, who was setting out cookies and milk.
Hidan had become aware that this Santa Claus person had existed for a very, very long time so the rain-nin had finally come to the conclusion that perhaps he was a Jashin follower like himself, thus allowing him to live for so long through the grace of Jashin. Though why he supposedly spread good-will and gave away presents instead of slaughtering the unsuspecting fools as an offering to the mighty Jashin, creating death and destruction like all good little Jashinist were supposed to do was a question that baffled him greatly. Perhaps his fellow brethren had lost his way or this was Hidan's chance to right Santa Claus' millennia of wrongs by offering him to the great Jashin. Either way he was determined to capture this Santa Claus and have a few words with him or kill him, which ever method pleased Jashin the most. This was why the cookies of which the elf demanded as exchange for the presents were laced with extra strength paralysis drugs made from Zetsu's special herb supply.
Hopefully the man-plant would be too caught up with his latest conquest – the Christmas tree to notice the missing narcotics. Hidan shivered slightly, he along with several of the Akatsuki were greatly disturbed by Zetsu's interest with the prickly tree; he didn't even know plants could get territorial much less have sex!
Kakuzu, the lazy bum he is, was 'supervising' which was the universal code for slacking off.
"Kakuzu you ass, why the hell did you buy these?" he inquired spitefully gesturing at the various decorations, the very image of the things were grating on his nerves since they were at odds with his artistic views. The reindeers were way too happy and the snowmen weren't covered in nearly enough blood, the colours clashed; the shapes and placements –ack! Deidara couldn't allow himself to go on any longer further upsetting himself. He had been too busy chasing after Tobi to notice the selections made.
"Tobi thought it was a good pick," was Kakuzu's reply. Yeah right, more like he got them at a bargain price from Dumpsters R Us!
But it was at that moment Deidara found himself ripping his gaze away from the prancing masked shinobi to cast a dubious look his other masked associate. Taking a few paces away from the man the blond was now more than ever unnerved by Kakuzu, I mean seriously, who in their right mind takes advice from Tobi?
"…Really, I saw him clapping at his own reflection the other day, plus there's his stupid mask he's so attached to; you sure his opinion about anything let alone style is good, un?"
When Deidara thought about it he got really mad; Kakuzu sought opinions on decor from Tobi of all people when he the resident master of all things artful was ignored. If Kakuzu thought his bitching was marginally through he had another thing coming, yeah!
By the time Deidara was good and done (weeks later, kidding! More like hours but to Deidara it felt like weeks) Kakuzu had lost hearing in his left ear and the rest of his sanity had packed up and flown north; though that would have happened if Kakuzu was stupid enough to stay put and listen.
Still lost in his bitch-mode, Deidara failed to notice the former waterfall-nin vacate the room. But when did Tobi even have time to give suggestions when he was supposed to be dodging his bombs? Deidara thought that now more than ever that something was dangerously of that pest.
Tobi decided to use shadow clones and stationed one at every doorway which coincidentally had mistletoe hanging above them. (Hey, you would too if you knew that some of the hottest men alive though psychotically disturbed in some way passed through those doorways) Unfortunately for Tobi said men and Konan didn't appreciate the obvious come on and destroyed the plants with deranged delight. Zetsu was too busy fondling the Christmas tree to notice the massacre of his fallen brethren, who stood absolutely no chance.
Tobi also wanted to go caroling but leader didn't want to alert neighbouring shinobi from the other villages to the location of their hideout. (As if Deidara's C4 bomb didn't do the job…oh well)
Hidan proceeded to call Leader a cowardice asshole that was a desgrace to Jashin and his followers everywhere.
An hour later, Kakuzu, Zetsu and Tobi were sent to recover the Jashin worshipper's dismembered body parts from the four corners of the Land of Fire.
Later in the evening, after the corruption of several Christmas songs, well Tobi was the only one singing ergo the corruption of said songs; the others were contemplating which idea would garner them a quick death: an attempted coup against Leader for putting them through this or killing Tobi for generally being alive. All were close to tears except Itachi, he's too cool to cry, Hidan who said he would be closer to Jashin through baring the pain and Deidara who had long since passed out hours ago from the assault to his ears. Kakuzu was using the blond's hair as leg warmers.
Well into the clutches of night, Leader finally announced that it was time to turn in after Konan had glared at him indicating that he should stop being an ass already. Kisame had created a nice crack in the wall by banging his head against it to make the Tobi sounding voices in his head stop, the cracks looked like the big dipper constellation at a glance.
The others soon after Leader's announcement retired for the night with Hidan standing guard by the chimney that miraculously appeared sometime during the day. Itachi dragged the whimpering Kisame out of the room followed by Leader, Konan, Kakuzu and Tobi who carried his unconscious senpai to his room screaming a good night and Merry Christmas every few steps that was ignored by all which left the Christmas tree to the mercy of a horny Zetsu.
redsky100: I think that's it for this chapter, part two is well underway but I'm a bit stuck on what presents Santa should give Hidan, Zetsu, Konan and Pain. I've got Tobi, Itachi and Kisame down, any suggestions?
Sally Hansen and Motions are real but as far as I know the Collection stated in the fic is totally made up.
Don't forget to review as well and if it's not too much trouble could you tell me the following:
(1) what part you liked and why,
(2) what part you didn't like and why.
