This is my first Twilight fanfic and I´m so excited to finally have it under way. The first few chapters are pretty short but they get longer soon I promise! P.S I have no rights to these characters at all, I´m just playing in Stephanie Meyers sandbox :-)
Bellas POV
As I drove back from Edwards I mused over his recent silences. Although Edward could never be described as the talkative type there was no doubt that as of the last week he had definitely become quieter. It was strange, things had changed a lot between us and it was now uncommon for him not to share his immediate thoughts with me. I tried to forget about it as I pulled into the driveway; the best I could hope for was that he would tell me soon.
A bitter wind whipped though my jacket as I got out of the truck and instantly an image of Jacob sprung to my mind. It had always been this way, the cold always reminded me of Jacob and his glowering heat. I sighed deeply as I thought of him, it had been three months since Jacob had left and despite the excitement of my engagement there was not a single day that passed that I did not miss him.
He had said that he needed space and so grudgingly I had given it to him only to be informed days later that he had left La Push. The Pack said that they heard little from him and they had no idea as to when he would return. It appeared that Sam had not had the heart to order him back and at great pains I refrained from asking him to.
As for my engagement, after some considerable gossip the news had finally died down. Alice was eager to start making plans for the wedding but I was reluctant. Although I was certain about spending the rest of my life with Edward a wedding was not my thing. Alice had continued to cajole but when I informed her that there would be no wedding unless Jacob was there she had relented.
Edward thought that I was asking too much by asking Jacob to come but I knew that Jake would be in my life forever and he would have to get used to Edward being there. Marriage was a big thing and Jake was my best friend, his absence was unimaginable to me.
Pulling my jacket tighter around me I rushed for the front door and the heat of the house. However once inside I felt disappointed for it did not warm me as much as I had wished. It was strange but I was always cold these days.
´Charlie?´ I called down the hallway as I reluctantly peeled my jacket off. I heard a grunt and on entering the living room found him asleep on the couch with the TV on. I smiled to myself, Charlie had been working really hard lately and I often felt sorry for him that he did not have a woman in his life. However he continued to spend a lot of time fishing with Billie, returning with the news that Jake remained away. I shook him gently and he immediately sat bolt upright.
I laughed at his police instinct as he looked blurrily at me.
´Bella?´
Ýes, just me. Are you hungry?´ he nodded eagerly and I proceeded to the kitchen where I began to defrost the lasagna I had made yesterday and make a quick salad. I had just changed for bed and Charlie had just headed for his bed when Edward appeared in my room. I went to him and wrapped my arms around his icy frame. He felt stiff and did not return the hug, I leant back and noticed that his face was contorted oddly.
Something was wrong.
´Edward what is it? ´I enquired as I took a step back. He did not answer me but continued to stare at a spot somewhere above my head. His behavior felt strange yet somehow familiar and I felt panic in my stomach. Finally he spoke.
´Bella I have to go, we all have to go, tonight. I have put this off much too long already, they will be getting restless.' He was making absolutely no sense.
´Ok Edward, where do we have to go and who will be getting restless?´ he cocked his head at me as if I were a curious animal and my words seemed to have confused him.
´Not you, us.´ They were only three words and yet they were enough to send a flood of fear into my entire being. I had heard words to these effect once before and it hit me then why this situation felt strangely familiar.
He was leaving me.
Again.
He saw the recognition in my eyes and finally seemed ready to offer more information.
´This is not like the last time Bella. I do not want to leave you, I have no choice. My family has no choice. Please believe me´.
I seemed unable to recall any language, I just stood there staring at him but he answered my question anyway.
´You cannot come Bella, you really can´t. It´s much too dangerous. It kills me to say this to you but I will be back. I don´t know when, months, maybe more but I will come back. I promise you that. I love you Bella and I want to be your husband and I know now, after… after last time that you will wait for me.
Somewhere in the midst of his speech I found a strange clarity. Perhaps it was because the panic was at such an advanced stage. It became clear to me that this situation was only like the last time he left me in facts, in reality it was totally different. A lot had changed and Edward had since promised never to leave me again, to always be at my side. That was one of the reasons he had asked me to be his wife. Yet now, here he was, about to break his promise and I felt anger well up in me.
He assumed that I would wait for him. He thought that it was ok to leave me here whilst he went away and that he could pick me up again when it was convenient for him. I wondered if I would live in constant fear of this when we married and I simultaneously realized that if he left me now I would never marry him. He would break us beyond repair.
Finally I found my voice although it was little more than a whisper.
`You are definitely going? Now? Tonight?`
`I have put this off as long as possible, I have got to go now but when I return we will be married´ he attempted a smile but behind it I could see the pain in his hazel eyes. It meant little to me for I now knew the pain I would suffer once he left. My anger that he would do that to me again remained and I knew that without a shadow of a doubt that I would never go back to him after he left tonight. Silently I slid the large diamond of my finger and placed it in his palm.
´I will not marry you. You promised me you would never leave me again. You´re breaking that promise and as a result you have broken us. We could never recover from this a second time´.
Although it was a rare occasion I could tell when I shocked Edward and I knew that my words had dumfounded him. He honestly believed I would wait. It still hadn´t sunk in that I had just ended our relationship and I knew that when it did I would be plagued with pain and doubt. For now though my calm detachment remained.
´Bella…´he started but I knew that he would still go and besides the damage had already been done.
´Please Edward, just don´t, I can´t hear it´. I padded softly across the carpet of my room and opened my bedroom door. I paused briefly to look at him, to take in his golden eyes, his ghostly pallor, his lithe frame. Then silently I opened the door and stepped out of it.
It hit me in the kitchen that I might never see his face or his eyes face again and I sunk to my knees in silent horror of what I had just done.
The sound of a door closing upstairs broke my reverie.
Charlie.
He could not see me like this, not again. I rose numbly to my feet, dimly aware that it was light outside now. Morning had broken but where had the night went? I was unable to recall if I had slept or if indeed I had been in the kitchen all this time.
Quietly I made my way upstairs and into my bedroom; Charlie thankfully was still in the bathroom. My room still smelt like him and I wondered dully how long that would remain? Perhaps vampire smells never disappeared and so I would have the daily torture or pleasure of his scent. I wasn't sure which it would be.
I sat on the end of my bed and surveyed my hands. I had to think. I could not put Charlie through the pain I had last time and I wasn't so sure I could survive it myself. All I wanted was to curl up into a ball and go somewhere far away where this hole in my heart did not exist. But I had tried that last time had not worked, I could not be so selfish again, I would have to try and disguise the pain a little more effectively this time. It was difficult at the present to see why I had told Edward I would not wait for him but searching for reasons was beyond my current capability. I could only act.
Today was a school day which I supposed meant I should go to school although the idea of doing something so normal after what had just happened felt wrong. I would have to face all the questions as to Edwards whereabouts, he was always at school, or at least always there when I was. People would wonder. I could lie I suppose and say he wasn´t well but there was no point, they would learn the truth soon after all. It was my last few weeks of school in the run up to my final exams, I couldn't skip school and I couldn't lie for that long either. I would have to be brave. At least then it would be over.
The thought of exams remained in my mind. Exams I had to pass to get into college. College was now something I would have to give serious thought to. Whilst all my friends had been fretting for weeks over where to apply I had worried little, Edward had been the main point of my life, college a mere blip on the side. I now had weeks to make my decision and the thought made my blood run cold. I was incapable of thinking of it at the minute.
I shut my eyes, there was too much to think about, too much to be responsible for all of a sudden. My life had altered drastically over night and I was sure that I didn't have the tools to cope. I wondered dimly how I had managed to survive last time and Jacob came straight to mind. This time I didn't have Jacob. I couldn't think about that, it sent another dagger through me. I rose and began to dress relishing the end of the day already.
School had been nearly as bad as I had thought. I had found the courage to tell my friends that Edward and I had broken up and that he and his family had moved. I tried to make it sound like this was normal, just a regular teenage break-up. I fooled no one, they had seen Edward and I together for too long to believe me. They treated me as though I was glass and I noted that this was my own fault, I had been a zombie after our last break-up. It seemed strange that I was coherent enough to notice this time. Didn't I hurt as much as I had before? As with all my questions I couldn't answer.
I was thankful for one small mercy at least, they weren't aware of our engagement.
I had broken the news to Charlie over dinner and immediately saw the look of panic in his eyes. I tried to reassure him by informing him that it had been my decision to break off the relationship. I was awarded with a look of utter shock. In many ways this fact had not yet settled with me either. Finally I made it to the solace of my room and noticed that his smell had begun to fade already. It apparently was not permanent, I did not know if u was happy or sad about this. I dreaded bed, would the nightmares come again? I tried to stay awake for as long as possible but I was fighting the inevitable, after my vigil last night and the horrors of today my body cried out for rest.
Sighing I pulled back the covers and got into bed. Within minutes I was asleep. Within hours I was bolt upright, screaming. Despite all my attempts to cope better this time I could not control my dreams. I was haunted once again.
Please review and let me know what you thought and if I´ve made any mistakes let me know :-) I´d really appreciate it :-)
